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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
isittheholidaysyet · 22/03/2018 17:35

Your wedding your rules.

However at my wedding I was concentrating on my soon to be DH as I said my vows. A fight could have broken out in the church I wouldn't have noticed.

At other people's weddings I often don't hear the vows, I'm quite deaf. But it's not about me. As long as bride, groom and registrar hear them then it's fine.

If you were my sister I would be pissed off at having to sit in another room with my child and miss your wedding. But if that's what you really want. Just remember it's your choice and don't get pissed at me for missing your wedding.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 17:39

I don't have a sister.

If you mean my sister in law, I'm certainly not asking her to miss the wedding.

OP posts:
CommanderShepard · 22/03/2018 17:50

I've taken both of mine out at the slightest grizzle.

At my best friend's wedding DH spent most of the service outside with 9mo DD2 who was threatening to test the acoustics. DD1 and I were bridesmaids and I missed the vows because DD needed the loo at the crucial moment! Fortunately the bride and groom didn't notice we temporarily disappeared and thank god (badum tish) for churches with a loo in the vestry.

We had one toddler at our wedding who was very well behaved until the sermon. The vicar mentioned sex and the toddler took the opportunity to shout 'YAAAAAAAAAAAY!' Grin

ILoveAntButHateDec · 22/03/2018 17:56

YANBU. When my kids were little I would not have entertained taking them to a wedding! That gave me a great get out clause as I hate weddings!

Hope you have a child-free wedding day OP. You have made fantastic provision for the potentially noisy kids. Can’t fault you tbh

isittheholidaysyet · 22/03/2018 17:57

Sister, brother, sibling...
(I don't have a brother)

The point is that if their child can't be left in child care, and you don't want children at the quiet points of the wedding, then a parent will have to miss the quiet bits of the wedding, which let's be honest IS the wedding.
It's your wedding, so you can choose to ban children, which effectively means the parents will have to leave at that point with the children.
All I'm saying is that's your choice. Don't be pissed with the parents if they miss the points of the wedding where you have banned their children.

Barbie222 · 22/03/2018 18:01

I wouldn't leave my children with some random nanny. I just wouldn't go. You might find there are other bits of your wedding day that don't go quite to plan but which you aren't able to parcel up and put in a box somewhere. I'd just let the day unfold as it can.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/03/2018 18:03

Notevil that is only sometimes true. I used to childminders and would never have taken a child whose parent wasn't prepared to do settling in sessions. After those sessions most children were happy to be dropped off and didn't look back, and threw a wobbly in some cases at pick up (a totally different type of fuss, not about separation). One or two would cry a bit but be easily comforted or distracted. However there genuinely were children who would cry for well over 20 minutes and refuse to be comforted or distracted before finally calming down, for the first several drop off sessions. After a week or so they come in no problem and also don't want to leave. The settling in period can be hard on them but worth it when you're intending to build a relationship with a childcare and use that childminder for a long period to enable you to work, not worth it for a one off.

One of my kids was the same - we have a drop off playgroup specifically for 2 year olds locally (most 3 year olds go to preschool but 2 year olds have no provision except full time nursery - abroad) which runs twice a week for 2 hours. My eldest lived it. My second lived the settling in sessions when I stayed, but when I left him screamed til he was exhausted, when he settled to just whimpering. The carers told me the truth and although I knew he would have settled in eventually I decided to leave it til he was 3 as it was unnecessary at 2. At 3 he settled easily into preschool, where he went 5 mornings a week. Now he's 10 he goes on sleepovers and longer school residential without a worry.

People spout comfortable generalisations about children which are often only true of some children, not always even the majority.

AlwaysSpellingMyName · 22/03/2018 18:03

I would jump at the chance of a nanny during a family wedding. My kids are fab... but nobody needs to hear how amazing they are during someone's wedding vows.

We have 3 Close friends Weddings this year. DH & I have arranged childcare even though both DS's have been invited. It's a long day and we would rather relax and enjoy the day without having to worry about the kids.

I think the nanny is a great option OP but I am lucky in the fact my two (including a toddler) would be ok with being left and entertained for 20 mins. I appreciate not every parent or child would feel the same. I would however insist that one parent stayed outside with the child during the ceremony

formerbabe · 22/03/2018 18:08

I would jump at the chance of a nanny during a family wedding

Me too!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/03/2018 18:08

At my cousin's wedding when ds was 18 months, Dh took him out as soon as it was obvious he wasn't going to settle. He wasn't being noisy but wanted to shred the flowers lining the bride's path and from experience possibly gearing up towards being noisy. They ended up spending most of the service in the gardens (was in a Hotel).

If we were coming to your wedding, one of us would still have had to miss the wedding bit as I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving ds with a stranger who had responsibility for him and 4 or more other children especially if he didn't know those children. That's more a reflection on him than the nanny though. When I first left him with his Grandmother who he adores he screamed until I came back. It took until around 2 and a half before he was okay with being left and there are still occasional wobbles.

I'm fine with missing weddings (completely or in part) if people don't want children there but having childcare arranged without parental input isn't always the answer I don't think.

pumpkinpieinmyeye · 22/03/2018 18:09

YANBU. We went to a wedding where around 10% of guests were under 5. I cry at all weddings, but I just couldn't get into this one as the kids were so noisy! One of the parents was loudly pointing out things in photos on the wall to their toddler, they were louder than the kids! I couldn't believe nobody took their kids outside.

confuddledconfudle · 22/03/2018 18:29

My cousins child cried the whole way through my vows Angry
It took me shooting them a dirty look to actually take the child out

branstonbaby · 22/03/2018 18:31

The kids might not even want to go in the other room and therefore create even more of a fuss.

If I were in your shoes, I would either make the wedding kid free, or suck it up. Tell the parents that you have made arrangements, ask people not to be shy in using them but ultimately you can't not control how people (adults and children) will behave during the ceremony. The only thing you can control is your reaction.

I think the sooner you come to terms with that, the happier you will be.

(We had a handful of kids at our wedding, but we both genuinely like children a lot. A good friends toddler ended up holding my hand as I walked down the aisle, because he really wanted to see me. I thought it was pretty cute and didn't fight it, and it ended up raising many smiles.)

CharlieSays13 · 22/03/2018 18:38

I would have loved our niece not to have been in the front row babbling away at our wedding but my husband would have been disappointed and it probably wouldn't have gone down at all well with the new inlaws. I tuned her out and sucked it up to keep the peace. It was fine...but your wedding your rules

Soubriquet · 22/03/2018 18:41

I took my Ds out during my SIL's wedding. He was getting very cranky and was threatening to cry.

So I took him outside, where I managed to find a window to peek my head in and still view the wedding.

My Ds fell asleep very quickly so he was tired.

I didn't take my dd out who was whispering because she wasn't bothering anyone.

Loud talking, crying, messing around yes. Everything else? No

Americantan · 22/03/2018 18:42

Kids and formality don’t go together well so if it was a formal wedding (vows, speeches, grand stair cases and marble) then I’d exclude all kids because it’s clear the formality is part of what makes the occasion for the bride and groom.

KERALA1 · 22/03/2018 18:45

My main memory of my wedding vows was my wet cousins toddler running his train up and down a pew. It was weirdly loud and very distracting.

londonmummy1966 · 22/03/2018 18:45

I missed most of my best friend's wedding for this reason - not that I was the only one.

I also took dd2 out of her own christening she screamed so much.

KERALA1 · 22/03/2018 18:49

That said bil wedding was child free but allowance made for our two as only dc in the family. They were 6 and 8 and tbf very well behaved so didn't cross my mind that they would be in any way disturbing.The brides father who we had never met stormed over before it started and hissed "you had better not make a sound" really aggressively Hmm. They were terrified and barely dared breathe for the whole service let alone utter a sound.

Pengggwn · 22/03/2018 18:49

I would and have removed my child when they made the slightest sound. She was a baby so we couldn't leave her, and there was a chance she would sleep through the ceremony. Now my toddler will have to sit outside pretty much no matter what, because she will not be quiet.

FlameOutTeacher · 22/03/2018 18:52

I would remove them immediately. We had a much doted on nephew who liked to be noisy while his parents sat smiling at all the attention. We had our minister prepped to pause and stare at the first sign on noise. He paused. And stared in a pleasant 'I will just give you an opportunity to escape' sort of way. Child was swiftly taken out. Service resumed.

TheBruteSquad · 22/03/2018 20:38

It sounds like you don't want the children there at all and you're not that bothered about whether your guests are there (at least not the ones with children). So why not just have a childfree wedding?

To be honest, I love childfree weddings. We're taking DS (aged 2 to a wedding in a few weeks) and I'm already dreading it. I don't even enjoy going out for dinner with him so I know it will be stressful.

I'm planning on having him come into the church while guests arrive. Then have DH sit on the end of the back row pew with him and take him out as soon as the bride has arrived.

I feel obliged to take him because there are lots of children going to the wedding and lots of family who will want to see DS. Plus it's a long way and I can't really want to ask PIL to take time off work to babysit.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 21:01

My brother has been absolutely incredulous at the idea of no children. He's taken it as the ultimate personal slight.

I will say that my little nephew is lovely, but he's still very little. I tried to point out that they don't know what two year old they're going to 'get'- he might be an absolute nightmare- but no he won't he'll be a paragon of delight at all times apparently because of their parenting...

OP posts:
PeerieBreeks · 22/03/2018 21:05

I would like to think I would, but I remember when my son was little, he made happy squawky noises that I learned to tune out because it wasn't an issue - but they were very obvious to everyone else (I'm talking playgroup, not weddings here!). So while I would hope to notice in a wedding setting, and remove him - it might have taken someone else to point it out Blush

Lizzie48 · 22/03/2018 21:15

I have to say I didn't actually worry about whether the toddlers at our wedding made a little noise whilst DH and I were saying our vows, it didn't actually register tbh. And there were a lot of kids at our wedding. (I don't recall any misbehaviour, though, so that's probably the reason why.

The idea of a childminder is great, though. We haven't been to a wedding in the last few years, just christenings and children's parties, but it would be lovely as parents to be able to watch our friends saying their vows and not have to worry about our DDs disrupting proceedings.