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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:

KrisMulreedy · 22/03/2018 16:40

I would put a slip in the invite with these exact words:

"Children are like farts - you can be amused, surprised and even deeply proud of your own. But to others they can be offensive, distracting and the ruination of a nice time. In that spirit, please clench and leave yours at home.

Yours,
The Happy Couple"

dingdongdigeridoo · 22/03/2018 16:40

I think the kids room sounds perfect, even if it's just for the ceremony.

At my Dbro's wedding, one of the bridesmaids insisted that her DS had to come along, and that her partner would take him outside if he fussed. Well, he started crying and screeching, and the dad just kind of shushed him a bit. People were politely asking this guy to take the baby out, but he just pulled a grumpy face and said he didn't want to miss the ceremony. He barely even knows my Dbro! The wedding video is pretty funny though. You can just see everyone throwing eye daggers at this guy.

FancyNewBeesly · 22/03/2018 16:41

We were going to have a totally child free wedding but two guests had one year olds that were breastfed and they wouldn’t have been able to come so they were welcome to bring them. I honestly couldn’t tell you if either of them made a noise, and it wasn’t a large room either. There was definitely no crying but probably some babbling etc. I didn’t hear it.

I didn’t fully realise how difficult I was making it for people with kids until I had my twins, and now can’t attend any social functions at all. I would much rather have had the people I care about there with their kids, even if that meant noise. Honestly, some things I look back at and cringe, I think this may be one for you if you ever have children!

BottleBeach · 22/03/2018 16:43

I would definitely leave at the first indication of babbling, and would make sure I sat at the end of the row near a door to minimise disruption from leaving. In the event of an unexpected fart I would be mortified, but hope the bride and groom had a sense of humour.

I'm bemused as to why children can't be left with your qualified and vetted nanny for 20 minutes or so

I’d be more than happy to, but DS would not co-operate with this at all. I started settling him at nursery when he was 22 months, and he didn’t get the hang of reliably saying goodbye to me without crying until he was 3. There is no way I could leave him with someone he didn’t know. It wouldn’t be fair on him or the nanny, and the noise would probably be heard in the ceremony.

If I knew that the bride/groom would be unhappy about any toddler interruptions at all, I would just miss the ceremony.

MorrisZapp · 22/03/2018 16:47

Indulging noisy kids during wedding vows is the mumsnet version of motorway tailgating.

Nobody admits to doing it, but everyone suffers it.

I was at a wedding where a baby cried loudly throughout. Everyone looked round at said baby. The parents smiled beatifically as if to say I know, isn't he amazing!

So it would be a hell no from me.

Freezingheart · 22/03/2018 16:49

Yes I absolutely would. The day is about the bride and groom, and I don’t believe anything should be allowed to distract fr that.

Queenofthestress · 22/03/2018 16:51

My son actually pinched the flowers off my sister mid vows to her wife, but we're extremely close and she knew he'd want to wander and such and pre-okayed it.
However for my aunties wedding who he doesn't see much I left the room with him as soon as he started getting restless so I missed the vows

AnyFarrahFowler · 22/03/2018 16:51

YANBU.
Yes, flower girls / page boys look cute in photos (if they co-operate) but I’ve been to weddings that were spoilt by children shouting, crying, running around, screaming, bashing toys around during the vows, and being so loud the ceremony could not be heard.
A real shame.
Why the parents allowed it is beyond me.

sashh · 22/03/2018 16:54

The last wedding I went to I did not hear the vows because a couple of children were banging bricks into a box.

Your wedding, your rules.

As well as being celebrations weddings are a legal undertaking, you wouldn't be expected to write a will with a child running around.

Tip off your celebrant/registrar as well. A firm, "this is a serious legal ceremony, if a child is making a noise take them out because if I don't hear the vows then I don't now if I have married them and they might have to go to the registry office next week, if it gets too noisy I will stop the ceremony' from someone senior who is not you can work wonders.

Obviously you want it to be a bit more polite but you get the drift.

And if you would rather the ceremony stopped let them know as well. You can claim ignorance later.

Thebluedog · 22/03/2018 16:55

YANBU it’s your wedding so you get to decide. You may have some people deciding not to come as a result, but so be it, there loss. You’ve made provisions for them.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 22/03/2018 17:00

When we got married DS1 was 4 and lots of friends had young children and babies. We found a lady who ran a mobile nursery who was second-to-none in what she provided - there were 7 women all DBS checked and paediatric first aid trained, they had a huge part of the location to set up and it was just a dream. The children all went in and out during the day depending on what they needed/wanted to do, their parents could sit and have conversations and a glass of wine without worrying and it was genuinely the best money we spent at our wedding. I think several of the women stayed on to privately babysit after they'd packed up at the end, too.

MIL was super sniffy about it, saying in her day children were taught to shut up but I think hers was the only voice of dissent; everyone else raved about what a lovely idea it had been.

formerbabe · 22/03/2018 17:03

I went to a wedding when my ds was a toddler...he was included on the invite by the way! He started babbling in the ceremony. I took him straight out.

PrimalLass · 22/03/2018 17:07

I really didn't consider some people would be horrified at leaving their kids with a qualified childcare practitioner for 20 mins in the same building.

I wouldn't have minded, but at 2 DS would barely let me leave the room.

Notevilstepmother · 22/03/2018 17:09

I didn’t hear any children being noisy during my wedding, but my dog decided to bark. I thought it was quite funny.

Belliniteeny · 22/03/2018 17:10

I was at a wedding where a child screamed through the speeches, which were being recorded. I was livid for the couple, and the parents just sat there like nothing was wrong. Wedding video and speeches ruined. The groom even looked over, clearly annoyed but it was allowed to continue and none of us could hear anything. I had no kids at my wedding.

peachgreen · 22/03/2018 17:11

I thought this would really bother me at my own wedding - we had two babies and a noisy toddler there - but actually, as cheesy as it sounds, I didn't register anyone's presence except my husband's, especially during the vows. Watching back the video I can see how much noise they all made but honestly, at the time I didn't even notice.

Notevilstepmother · 22/03/2018 17:13

I’m also astonished at the vast number of people who think that a nanny wouldn’t be able to look after their child. You do know that they make a massive fuss about you leaving for as long as you can hear them, and then they stop once you’ve gone? As soon as mum is out of sight/hearing they are fine. An experienced nanny would be used to that and quite able to deal with it.

Fruitbat1980 · 22/03/2018 17:14

I went to a wedding where mid vows a 4 year old who’s parents had allowed him to climb over and between pews slipped and fell and cracked head on pew and screamed. A lot. Even then the parents tried shushing before finally taking him out. I was
Same wedding during the speeches a hord of 10 ish kids ran in and out of marquee which had a fake wooden floor. I did not hear the speeches at all over the din. I assume no one else did either.
YANBU.
I had ‘close family children’ only. It was perfect. Two babes in arms who’s dads paced the gardens with them during the ceremony. And a handful of Nieces and nephews who I bought giant goody bags for with chewy sweets and lollipops to suck on during speeches!
It’s your day. Do it your way.

Ginger1982 · 22/03/2018 17:14

Your choice. I only had family kids at wedding and they were all on DH's side. Ages raged from 10 to 2. I was so worried they were going to be noisy but they were so quiet. I would have been livid if they had been shouting during vows and not sure if they would have been taken out. I was at a wedding once when a baby started screaming during the vows.....

PrimalLass · 22/03/2018 17:20

jeez op, it’s one thing to not want children ruining Your Day, but this is actually quite cruel. Poor children if they do turn up.

Oh FFS. Really? Bride and groom choose venue they like. The end.

cindersrella · 22/03/2018 17:23

I would remove them ASAP

dirtyprettything · 22/03/2018 17:24

I prefer child free weddings as it gives me an excuse not to go to what will invariably be a Po faced it’s my day type occasion

Nobody is as interested in your wedding as you are.

A year after the child free weddings the couple invariably become the parents of PFBs and believe the world revolves around their progeny

sinceyouask · 22/03/2018 17:25

TBH, if I knew you expected complete silence from attendees during your ceremony, the youngest DC and I just wouldn't attend. As for the nanny option- no, I wouldn't use that.

You do know that they make a massive fuss about you leaving for as long as you can hear them, and then they stop once you’ve gone?
Sometimes, sure. But you do know, don't you, that this just isn't true for many children?

tolerable · 22/03/2018 17:28

i dont think yabu ,in fact-the provision of a nanny for time is extremely thoughtful .At my sisters wedding i took ds and dn out for a play during speeches.they were both incredibly good during ceremony ,by time speeches theyd been fed,adapted to crowd and were getting a bit too noisy.my dm hasnt forgiven me and refers to it as "walking out"...you cant always pleease everyone.its your day. an as said yanbu

LadyFlumpalot · 22/03/2018 17:29

Having seen my own children behaved during my own wedding (2yr old DD took the moment of the vows as an opportunity to sing Let It Go during which my mum attempted to coax her away by waving a bag of Pom bears at her and making "here kitty kitty" type noises).... Yes, absolutely I would.

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