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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/03/2018 15:55

Kris as I said, the hard floor is irrelevant unless it's a hushed atmosphere in which noise is forbidden - which Scottish dancing clearly isn't. Kids cope fine with hard floors, they just amplify noise and the op wants silence.

How long are the speeches going to go on for? Containing multiple toddlers who are not asleep in one small room for endless speeches might also prove loud and difficult. Ideally their parents would be able to go outdoors with them ideally there wouldn't be speeches

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2018 15:56

Bluelady seriously you would be happy leaving a 2 year old with up to 5 other under 5 with someone you or they had never met, in a strange room and expect it to be ok. No Nanny should be willing to take the job on anyway (at least not one I would consider to be a good one)

OP keeping the room sounds sensible. I would have happily gone to the room with my DD during the ceremony.

I think you are coming under some attack for inviting them and not wanting noise at all - explaining that you are happy for them to come in but if they do get disruptive to leave might help - you should be so caught up that you dont notice. My SIL did not notice I had left or why as she was caught up in getting married.

boomboom1234 · 22/03/2018 15:58

I've been to quite a few weddings recently where it's no children except close family or only the couple that are getting married children allowed - could you do that so it's just your nephew? Could you invite your SILs mother or a family member to look after nephew during ceremony and speeches?

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/03/2018 15:59

Your one child is what you are basing your dismissal of anyone with different experiences on? Most people with 3 or 4 kids will have one or two who could be left with a stranger at 2 and one or two who would have screamed the place down regardless of how robust their parents expected them to be.

On what do you base your "ridiculous women" venom? Ingrained misogyny?

Bluelady · 22/03/2018 16:01

Oh do give over, Evelyn.

KrisMulreedy · 22/03/2018 16:04

seriously you would be happy leaving a 2 year old with up to 5 other under 5 with someone you or they had never met, in a strange room and expect it to be ok.

In the same building? With a responsible adult? For a relatively short space of time?

Can't see what the problem is.

Mookatron · 22/03/2018 16:05

The trouble is I think I would take my kid out if it was being a nuisance but I feel like our ideas of what being a nuisance are differ. I wouldn't dream of taking them out if they were just babbling tbh. I mean I would if you asked me to obvs. But I wouldn't consider it as a problem myself.

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2018 16:09

because 1 person could not adequately supervise or meet the needs of the ages of those 6 children and its illegal

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/03/2018 16:09

Why Blue - because you are wrong to claim sweepingly, based on parenting one 2 year old 41 years ago, that all the posters who have different experiences of parenting other 2 year olds are "ridiculous women"?

JauntyAngle · 22/03/2018 16:10

I went to a wedding once. The brides sister was a bridesmaid who also had three very hyper kids, all under the age of 6 at the time.

It was awful, the kids were running around the church, up the steps to the alter, shouting and screaming. Family on brides side did nothing but chuckle saying 'oh that's just what kids are like'!

ConkerGame · 22/03/2018 16:14

@mookatron not likely - best friend and I have been best friends since we were 4 (met first day of primary school and have now been friends for almost 30 years) and have never had a fallout!

The bride was furious re the twins and didn’t want them there at all but her SIL insisted. She doesn’t really like or get on with that side of the family but keeps quiet to maintain the peace! The bride’s own nieces also came but they were a bit older (late primary/early secondary) and very mature - one even did a reading and were very well behaved. Something about babies/toddlers seems to totally blind parents to how annoying they are to others!

gnushoes · 22/03/2018 16:15

Good grief, I don't understand why the OP is being given such a hard time here for trying to make a nice compromise for the families. If she wants two moments of peace in her wedding day and has organised trained childcare and a room, surely that's a nice thing? I think my own kids would have been happy to be in a room with ipads etc for those short periods, but if not then I'd have sat out with them. Really, really don't see the issue here or why Blue is being given a hard time either. Nobody's being forced to hand over their kids to the nanny are they? Why would child-free be better?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/03/2018 16:15

seriously you would be happy leaving a 2 year old with up to 5 other under 5 with someone you or they had never met, in a strange room and expect it to be ok.

well, I do it everyday I go to work, it's called a nursery...

NatwestHell · 22/03/2018 16:16

I was in this situation when my D'S was 3 at the wedding of my DSIL and I immediately removed him through a side door.
It would be awful to disrupt a wedding. He was full on having a raging megawatt tantrum so he had to go 🤣

1310j · 22/03/2018 16:17

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. My son was just under a year at the only wedding we've been to, and thankfully slept through the ceremony but I'd have just got up and walked out quietly if he'd made any noise.

Just as disruptive as babbling/crying is constant "shushing" for about ten minutes when the child starts being noisy instead of doing the polite thing and fucking off.

KrisMulreedy · 22/03/2018 16:20

its illegal

Meh, just ask someone you know and trust to do you a favour for 30mins. If they're not officially acting as a childminder there are no regulations being breached.

eddielizzard · 22/03/2018 16:21

well i personally think you've been very thoughtful booking a room and a nanny. the best wedding i've ever been to was with my 2yo and they had the staff from the local preschool. honestly it was such a fantastic break to be able to have a glass of wine and dance knowing that my kid was in the next room having a ball. i had never left her with anyone other than family before that point. i didn't know any of the people looking after her but they had toys and books and all the kids were very happy.

i think it's fine to say absolutely no children at the ceremony and you've booked a room with a nanny if anyone would like leave their kids there.

i wouldn't be cancelling the nanny just yet...

scatteredglitter · 22/03/2018 16:22

I agree with you. We had a 1 year old and organised a minder while we had ceremony and meal.
Dh s brother and sil brought their 'no trouble ' kids, youngest was crawling under the top table over all our legs and ripped lace in my dress and shouting and roaring during the speeches. Sil and BIL smiled benevolently at them.
Rest of the kids were fidgety and bored.
However even now 11 years later I wouldn't tolerate my kids making a ruckus at something as important to the hosts as ceremony of vows or wedding meal and speeches (we have a family wedding soon). Yup I would whip them out ASAP at the first whimper !

When it came to our own wedding the kids were bored so acted out as it was an adult focused event.
But they loved staying up late and dancing ! I think weddings for kids should happen in reverse - dancing and food first - ceremony and speeches last when they are burned out and sleepy 😂

Bekabeech · 22/03/2018 16:23

I went to a wedding once. The brides sister was a bridesmaid who also had three very hyper kids, all under the age of 6 at the time.

I went to a wedding like that once, except they were the grooms nephews. I explained to my 3 (perfectly behaved) children why they got away with it and they couldn't. The Groom (and his Bride) wanted his nephews there but had already accepted that as they had ASD they wouldn't be perfectly behaved. That was as much their choice as someone else has the choice to have a child free wedding.

sosadforhim · 22/03/2018 16:23

I had a room with a many at our wedding, and like you, it was only for the short ceremony. A couple of the grandparents of toddlers made a bit of a fuss - none were even family! We ignored their grumbles and went ahead with our plans. It's your wedding, stick to your plans. Oh and btw, I love children, work with them and so on and still find noisy children distracting during a ceremony.

user7680 · 22/03/2018 16:23

Weddings are too expensive and obviously it’s your big day .... invite no toddlers

Contesse · 22/03/2018 16:27

I think every formal ceremony I have been to that has included small children has been wrecked by said small children. I wouldn't have them at my wedding. Not even if you paid me.

Bekabeech · 22/03/2018 16:31

OP I think your big issue is trying to please everyone.

It just doesn't work.
Would it really cause much more stress to say "no children" and have your SIL and brother strop and a) not come b) come and whinge about little "poppet" not being there? Than the stress you have now?
Especially as even if you provide the room and the Nanny I am pretty confident that they would find some reason not to use it.

If they are as you describe them I can't see you avoiding conflict. If you do it now, the dust may have settled by the wedding.

I would say, "I understand you weren't happy with my Nanny idea, so we've scrapped that and made the whole wedding Child free, I'm sure you'd prefer SIL's parents to look after the little one."

ThatItIs · 22/03/2018 16:37

Not read all the responses.

OP, YANBU at all.

When we just had one kid we went to two wedding where he made a noise. He was about 6months at one and 9 months at the other. The first wasn’t a problem as I sat at the back of the church and whizzed out as soon as he started. It wasn’t at an awful moment and I don’t think it caused any problem. The second wedding was not so good. He just started loudly making random noises at the wrong time. It was completely unlike him and he carried on despite me shoving a lollipop in his ,oath. I left as quietly and quickly as possible but it definitely disturbed everyone. We were much wanted guests and had flown half way around the world to go to the wedding. The bride adored our son and he was very much invited.....however, I don’t think she anticipated him making those noises. I certainly didn’t. 😔. I don’t think anyone minded but I wish it hadn’t happened. He would have been loud enough to have been heard on the wedding video.

I think asking for little kids to stay out of the ceremony is a good idea although it’s a hard one to sell to the parents.

sosadforhim · 22/03/2018 16:38

Also meant to add, I realise that some children don't like being left with strangers. You've given the option and if they are part of a couple then perhaps the partner less close to the wedding couple could pop out with them for 20 mins? Alternatively they could find a babysitter or just not go at all. It's really not your problem.