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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My “no” should be complete, right?

150 replies

singmetosleepgarybarlow · 20/03/2018 22:57

A service user at my work has become a bit obsessed with an unsolicited gift he made me. I don’t want the gift, it’s hideous. I don’t want to say what it is as it is quite distinctive!

I am under no contractual obligation to use the gift. I have said no thank you politely several times but he just won’t let it go. I have tried leaving the thing in a communal place for others to use but this isn’t good enough- he seems to need to see me using it. Whenever he uses our centre and sees me not using it another conversation/conflict arises.

He is now enlisting other service users and trying to get them “on side” as to whether or not I should accept and use his gift.

He is known to be quite an odd and controlling person and my heart sinks whenever I see him these days. I know of two other females who will not be alone with him. I spent most of my last shift hiding from him but could see him handling the gift and talking to others about it at length, most of whom were shooting me serruptitious glances during the conversation so I am fairly sure my ingratitude was being discussed!

I have a meeting with my (male) manager to discuss it tomorrow. I feel faintly ridiculous but I would like my manager to take him to one side and basically ban him from talking to me about it again. I don’t think he will ever drop it otherwise.

I can’t quite believe I haven’t been able to resolve it. I feel vaguely like a failure as a grown up and a woman!

Is this a ridiculous thing to ask my manager to intervene in?

OP posts:

mirime · 21/03/2018 12:22

@WhoWants2Know

I work with service users who are very capable of such behaviour (as a result of brain injury, learning disabilities, autistic spectrum disorders). In my case, they are certainly not creeps, they are vulnerable people with challenging behaviour.

And presumably your employer has suitable policies to protect staff and ways of handling inappropriate behaviour?

Vulnerable people can also be creeps and unpleasant separate to whatever other issues they have.

IceBearRocks · 21/03/2018 13:20

"Oh Dear Mr Crackpot!" .....and it's for this very reason I'm suspicious of putting my child in respite care. He's not an adult now but he will be one day!
Not projecting at all...speak to your manager and then both discuss with the SU.....

Scelestus · 21/03/2018 13:30

I’ve worked in IT, and our internal customers were often referred to as ‘service users’. I don’t think this is the situation here, but wanted to give another example of someone who uses a service who is referred to as a service user.

I hope the manager was supportive. The gifter is perhaps also causing other service users to feel uncomfortable by approaching them to involve them in giftgate, so if they don’t support you, they should at least provide support for the service users.

And if they don’t support you, take it higher.

*not implying that the gift is a gate btw.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/03/2018 13:37

There need to be boundaries and rules to prevent vulnerable people from behaving inappropriately towards service providers FFS. Yes, incidents may happen and people who work with the vulnerable are usually aware and prepared for the occasional issue - but that's different to an organisation doing a kind of collective shrug if an employee is being persistently harassed and upset by a service user behaving inappropriately. Service providers are oblliged to treat service users with courtesy and kindness, but they are not their friends and do not owe service users any of their off-duty time or personal information.

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2018 13:41

@CompleteAisling

"I still don't understand why you would accept the gift in the first place? There was no need for any of this, just don't take it!"

Back on planet earth woman are socialised to be nice! Maybe the op tried to refuse and he got hurt, upset dejected. Maybe she took it to shut him up. Who cares. She does n't want it, doesn't aNy to use it and now he is acting like a stalker.

Your post seems to imply it is her fault for taking it, it is not her fault.

LIZS · 21/03/2018 13:47

Can you involve your manager to take them aside and insist that you are not allowed to accept gifts? If the situation is becoming intense then perhaps a break is in order.

CompleteAisling · 21/03/2018 13:53

Back on planet earth woman are socialised to be nice!

True, but we also learn to say NO. Or should do.

Maybe the op tried to refuse and he got hurt, upset dejected. Maybe she took it to shut him up. Who cares

Her boss will? She should. He does. She was unprofessional and caused this problem. A simple "no thank you, we are not allowed to accept gifts" would have done it.

Your post seems to imply it is her fault for taking it, it is not her fault

She has a responsibility, yes. Why would you imagine she does not?

ReanimatedSGB · 21/03/2018 14:32

Well, because most of the time, if someone offers you an unexpected or unwanted gift (it sounds as though this was not a case of a Porsche or a diamond bracelet) the easiest way to deal with it is to say thank you, take the thing and dispose of it later (or share with colleagues). Because most people do not hound you to perform unending gratitude and make ostentatious use of the item. So I can imagine OP trying to deal with what initially appeared a minor matter in a quick and easy way - 'Oh, thanks' and putting the thing down to dispose of later.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/03/2018 14:34

Actually, OP said she tried to refuse the gift - again, if someone's too persistent, it's not unreasonable to think that accepting the item and passing it on later will resolve the matter.
And, if there is no clear policy in place regarding gifts, the OP wouldn't necessarily have thought of inventing such a policy on the spot.

NFATR · 21/03/2018 14:34

If someone is persistent, all the more reason to act professionally and refuse, as you can already tell they are acting inappropriately by insisting.

BaronessBomburst · 21/03/2018 14:50

We sometimes refer to service users in my industry. Our customers service users are most definitely not vulnerable individuals.
Being given presents is squirmingly embarrassing anyway. They're always from men, and they're always trying to buy your time or attention. If you want to say a thank you, chocolates or biscuits to the whole office/ department is always the best way.

Original poster

singmetosleepgarybarlow · 21/03/2018 16:33

Blimey that’s a lot of responses!
Thank you all.

To clarify: “service user” was the vaguest term I could come up with. This person is not vulnerable. They do not have learning difficulties or a disability. I have resisted all attempts to clarify the type of workplace and the type of gift precisely in order to obscure identities as much as possible. I don’t agree that work problems can never be discussed on an Internet forum, I don’t think anyone would be able to identify themselves from what I have typed here and I have taken care not to refer to him in abusive terms, too.

Someone else told him it was ok to leave the gift at our place of work. I have never accepted it. He has tried to foist it on me several times and I have said no with varying degrees of firmness and politeness. I have tried very hard to remain professional.

I don’t want to use it because I don’t need it, didn’t ask for it and find it aesthetically displeasing.

So, the meeting was had the upshot is that my (male) manager is going to take over contact with him. If he makes contact with me we have agreed I will redirect him to my manager. He will be told by my manager that the gift isn’t appropriate and it will he returned to him.

If that doesn’t sort it, we will escalate further.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice, I read and considered every post.

OP posts:

TomRavenscroft · 21/03/2018 16:50

That sounds like a very good outcome, OP. Thanks for updating.

Hygge · 21/03/2018 17:20

I'm glad your manager was understanding, this sounds like a good outcome.

I hope he's respectful of this OP, and you can relax at work and not feel like you have to hide or are under scrutiny any more.

JaneEyre70 · 21/03/2018 17:22

That sounds a positive step OP.

Jux · 21/03/2018 17:24

Sounds good, and your manager is a little bit diamond, isn't he?

Good luck with it; you will let us know if there is any gurther news, won't you?

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2018 17:37

great news and good to hear.

Just for the record @CompleteAisling I am willing to be wrong here but did the OP ever say they were genuinely not allowed to accept gifts? Or did another poster?

"She has a responsibility, yes. Why would you imagine she does not?"

Because if she was allowed to accept gifts and did (we now know she didn't't buy anyway) if she had she would have done nothing wrong in accepting it, even if she did not want it. Now he is pestering her to use it he is very much in the wrong.

@NFATR "act professionally and refuse" it's only professional if you are not allowed to accept.

I once worked in a hospital. At Christmas our service users brought tons of biscuits that lasted the year! We never refused as we were not required to.

CoraPirbright · 21/03/2018 17:52

Oh well done OP - that sounds very positive. And now that you have clarified that this ‘service user’ isnt vulnerable in any way, I can feel completely ok in saying that he sounds like an utter creep and is trying to control you with this so called ‘gift’. Urrgh! Given that you are now the 3rd female co-worker to express problems with him, I think he should not be given a male contact but told that he should bloody well sling his hook!! But I am glad that your manager has taken it seriously and offered a workable solution. Good job all round.

RiotAndAlarum · 21/03/2018 18:03

That's a good outcome!

It's quite right that he should be deprived of your "services", for trying to make services into "favours," even though you didn't want the "favour" and obligation he tried to foist on you!!

64BooLane · 21/03/2018 20:30

Pleased for you OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2018 20:39

Perfect!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 20:58

That's great news OP, it really is !

ReanimatedSGB · 21/03/2018 22:46

Really glad to hear this, OP. Also understand what you mean about someone else having told Mr Dickface it was OK to leave the item there. It's good that your manager has your back (and that of your colleagues) and this tiresome man will be obliged to behave himself.

HermionesRightHook · 21/03/2018 23:07

I can see that there's been a good outcome with your work and I'm really glad for that. Just wanted to back up what others have said: his behaviour is massively inappropriate and you're right to have escalated it.

We have a really comprehensive bullying and harrassment policy at work and one of the examples it gives of harrassment is actually really close to your situation. It's creepy and inappropriate and unprofessional and your judgement of the situation is correct.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 22/03/2018 05:14

Brilliant, OP.
So glad your manager is clued up and doing a proper job.

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