My “no” should be complete, right?

[singmetosleepgarybarlow]

A service user at my work has become a bit obsessed with an unsolicited gift he made me. I don’t want the gift, it’s hideous. I don’t want to say what it is as it is quite distinctive!

I am under no contractual obligation to use the gift. I have said no thank you politely several times but he just won’t let it go. I have tried leaving the thing in a communal place for others to use but this isn’t good enough- he seems to need to see me using it. Whenever he uses our centre and sees me not using it another conversation/conflict arises.

He is now enlisting other service users and trying to get them “on side” as to whether or not I should accept and use his gift.

He is known to be quite an odd and controlling person and my heart sinks whenever I see him these days. I know of two other females who will not be alone with him. I spent most of my last shift hiding from him but could see him handling the gift and talking to others about it at length, most of whom were shooting me serruptitious glances during the conversation so I am fairly sure my ingratitude was being discussed!

I have a meeting with my (male) manager to discuss it tomorrow. I feel faintly ridiculous but I would like my manager to take him to one side and basically ban him from talking to me about it again. I don’t think he will ever drop it otherwise.

I can’t quite believe I haven’t been able to resolve it. I feel vaguely like a failure as a grown up and a woman!

Is this a ridiculous thing to ask my manager to intervene in?

I hope your manager is helpful, OP. YANBU at all - just because this person is a service user does not mean that you or any other female staff member has to accept harassing behaviour from him. And unwanted gifts are harassing behaviour, whether or not the item is desirable in itself, if either the gifts keep being pushed on the unwilling recipient, or the recipient keeps being pushed to perform gratitude.

If your manager takes the attitude (as some managers do) that female staff should be 'nice' and 'kind' and accept harassment from male service users, and stop making a silly fuss, then could you and the other people who refuse to be alone with this service user band together to put pressure on senior management so something is done ? Your employers have a duty of care to staff as well as to service users, and even though some service users will have MH or ND issues, it is not acceptable for staff just to be instructed to accept inappropriate behaviour. In properly-run organisations, staff get rotated etc to ensure that boundaries are maintained.

What is a service user?

*Lose it.

“Oh dear Mr. McCrackpot someone must have taken it home. Oh well we’re not really allowed to accept gifts anyway”.*

That's just avoiding the real issue, though, and it allows him to think the gift was accepted prior to the loss.

I'm more concerned that you posted about work on a forum.

Why are you concerned Raven?
It’s an anonymous forum that people use for advice.

It doesn't matter what the gift is (although I am nosey and would like to know).

The real issue is that this man is known to be controlling and he's making the OP uncomfortable.

She doesn't want his gift. She's told him no. He won't let that go. Two other women at her workplace can't be alone with him, and he is getting other people involved to make the OP feel guilty and uncomfortable in her workplace.

It doesn't matter what he made and gave to her. She doesn't want it and he's behaving in a way that's making her dread going to work and seeing him there.

I can't understand why people are ignoring all of that from the OP and saying they need to know what the gift is first.

It could be a stapler and it would make no difference. The problem is not the gift, it's the man and his behaviour.

OP I'd be tempted to put whatever it is in the bin when he's not there, or at the very least stick it out of the way in a storeroom or cupboard.

But you do need to speak to your boss as this man is not respecting you and he's affecting you at work. Other service users don't deserve to be dragged into this either. If he's not listening to you, then your boss should have a word and put a stop to his behaviour.

This is definitely harassment, and very uncomfortable. I went through something very similar at the charity I've been working with for some years. A young man with special needs as well, he made it clear to me that he fancied me and kept hanging around me. Then he invited me to go to a barn dance with him. It makes life very uncomfortable. I wasn't the only woman who found him uncomfortable to be around either.

But seriously, if other female members of staff are being harassed by him then it's management's responsibility to deal with him, special needs or not. And you should make a complaint about it.

@Fishface77

Another member of staff or family member could identify the service user or company by the information given in the post. It's inappropriate to post about service users on a social media because it breaks confidentiality. If someone does find it it's grounds for dismissal.

I am assuming you are a personal trainer and he uses the gym... maybe he gave some personalised weights or something...

I would definitely go to the manager and again ask that person not to talk to you

I wouldn't lose the gift and I would raise it with management.

I image it's a small thing and that why it's an issue - worry about being dismissed.

I'd focus on the not taking you saying no thanks, the undermining and bullying even to point of involving others and you worried this behaviour will escalating if management don't step in firmly now.

Whatever the gift is is utterly irrelevant.

Does your service user have special needs of some kind? If they do, then I'd be inclined to ask politely for someone else to deal with them as you feel uncomfortable.

If they don't, then yes go to your Manager. It's unacceptable to be hounded into accepting a gift you don't want, and someone of authority needs to talk to them. And I'd refuse on record to deal with them.

Your 'no' should be enough but you haven't said no! Stop being so nice.
Take the person to one side, and say "I didn't ask for this gift, I don't want it, I don't like it and I'm not using it. I have tried to tell you nicely but you haven't listened so now I'm telling you straight. Stop talking about and leave me alone otherwise I shall be taking this up as a case of harrassment as it's getting too much pressure"
Job done...or carry through if the person still persists.

If you break it, he will replace it. In his mind this may increase whatever bond he feels this gift creates between you.
Hopefully, your manager will step in and tell him firmly that he has to stop. I know it may seem trivial to some people, but this situation seems to be like is could escalate and get really out of control.
If your manager isn't helpful then I do think that Palladin or similar would be worth asking for advice.

Hes trying to get a sense of ownership over you by dictating what you will use. Break it, bin it, mount it in a block of solid perspex so everyone can "admire it" while rendering it unusable... :p

YANBU, it sounds quite intimidating and you should be able to feel comfortable at work

@Raven88 How exactly could the individual be identified from the posts??? I have read the OPs posts. She talks about a "service user" which could be a patient, someone using a charity, a reader at a library, someone at a sports centre, a client at a hairdressers etc. The OP has been very careful not to give more details.
You also can't tell what her role is: Therapist, teacher, receptionist, medical professional etc.
You also can't tell if the man is old or young. By getting others involved he does sound more manipulative than say autistic.

But overall if this sounds like someone's relative/friend - well it could be but equally it could be hundreds of thousands of other men in this country.

Had a similar situation, not as bad as yours but still... My manager dealt with it brilliantly for me in the end.
She handed the "gift" back to the SU and told them that I was wrong to have accepted the gift (I agree, I was, I'd have refused if I'd realised the stress not using it would cause) She told him that the gift as causing a lot of problems in the department "and I'm sure you would hate to think you had caused that with your generosity" She then politely and assertively gave him the choice of taking it back or donating it to a suitable charity.

I think you're quite right to involve management. As PPs have said, it's not so much about the item as about the service user's behaviour towards you, which a good manager should take note of and monitor or intervene in.

@Bekabeech

@Raven88 How exactly could the individual be identified from the posts???

I agree. I could have written a very similar post, I know other people who could have written a very similar post. This sort of thing is not uncommon.

And inappropriate behaviour is inappropriate behaviour, no matter what service someone is accessing. Of course how you handle it differs if someone has dementia rather than, say, a mental health problem, but employers need to protect their staff and as I said before this should never have been allowed to get to the point where three members of staff are avoiding this man.

I still don't understand why you would accept the gift in the first place? There was no need for any of this, just don't take it!

The term "service user" is generally used to refer to vulnerable people in a non-residential setting where "patient", or "customer" wouldn't apply. Often somewhere like a charity or day service.

That's why I'm appalled that the man is being referred to as a stalker or creep or dick.

I work with service users who are very capable of such behaviour (as a result of brain injury, learning disabilities, autistic spectrum disorders). In my case, they are certainly not creeps, they are vulnerable people with challenging behaviour.

I'm not trying to "excuse the behaviour", I'm saying stop calling names without knowing what the man's issue is.

The term "service user" is generally used to refer to vulnerable people in a non-residential setting where "patient", or "customer" wouldn't apply. Often somewhere like a charity or day service.
But this doesn't have to be the case - it could be used in a wide range of other settings.
Actually it could be used in a charity working with sex offenders or ex prisoners - and the man could actually be a stalker. We can't tell.

Just because one group's jargon is being used, doesn't mean that it isn't referring to some totally different group. (And if I was a Nurse writing about a patient - I would use the phrase "Service user" to cover up the fact he was a patient.)

But yes the manager needs to step in and empower the OP.

You've trusted you intuition and said 'no' more than once. I find both those things really hard so well bloody done if you do too. Honestly I think he sounds creepy and it sounds like you have handled it beautifully. I think it's prob better to say you prefer what you are using (as you have done) rather than say it's company policy (although I might resort to that as it would feel easier for me to say) because you really want him to know it's unwelcome and not have him think he just has to get around your employers.
Did you say he MADE you the thing or made a present of it? I am imagining a hand knitted stapler cover in the shape of your dachshund.

Good luck op. He sounds really unsettling. You are doing the right thing by reporting him.

'Service user' can imply someone with MH issues or SN, but it doesn't exclusively mean that, and is a reasonably bland and broad way of referring to someone who... uses the services that an individual or a company provide.
So OP could be a teacher, therapist, HCP, hairdresser, charity worker, official who deals with benefits, or a member of the catering/support staff in any large organisation. I have also heard 'service user/service provider' used with regard to the sex industry (though not implying that's OP's line).

And there are plenty of people, usually men, who are generally considered NT and in full command of their faculties who still behave in creepy, inappropriate ways around women whose only connection to these men is providing some kind of professional service. There are any amount of stories from restaurant/bar staff about men who creep on female staff and think that the professional friendliness mean that sucking the customer's dick is also on the menu if the creepy man asks often enough...