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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My “no” should be complete, right?

150 replies

singmetosleepgarybarlow · 20/03/2018 22:57

A service user at my work has become a bit obsessed with an unsolicited gift he made me. I don’t want the gift, it’s hideous. I don’t want to say what it is as it is quite distinctive!

I am under no contractual obligation to use the gift. I have said no thank you politely several times but he just won’t let it go. I have tried leaving the thing in a communal place for others to use but this isn’t good enough- he seems to need to see me using it. Whenever he uses our centre and sees me not using it another conversation/conflict arises.

He is now enlisting other service users and trying to get them “on side” as to whether or not I should accept and use his gift.

He is known to be quite an odd and controlling person and my heart sinks whenever I see him these days. I know of two other females who will not be alone with him. I spent most of my last shift hiding from him Blush but could see him handling the gift and talking to others about it at length, most of whom were shooting me serruptitious glances during the conversation so I am fairly sure my ingratitude was being discussed!

I have a meeting with my (male) manager to discuss it tomorrow. I feel faintly ridiculous but I would like my manager to take him to one side and basically ban him from talking to me about it again. I don’t think he will ever drop it otherwise.

I can’t quite believe I haven’t been able to resolve it. I feel vaguely like a failure as a grown up and a woman!

Is this a ridiculous thing to ask my manager to intervene in?

OP posts:
Juells · 21/03/2018 07:06

Is it a dildo? If not stop overreacting!

It's not overreacting. His behaviour is really stalker-ish. OP needs to put a stop to it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 07:11

OP, this guy is a creep, he needs dragging over the coals.
Make sure that you get your story straight today. This guy is harassing you, making you feel thoroughly uncomfortable at work.
Sometimes nice, doesn't cut it. Never speak to him again.
Hope all goes well today 💐

womanformallyknownaswoman · 21/03/2018 07:11

Sounds like stalker behaviour to me- not taking no - escalate it.

If you want some input contact Paladin - the stalking advocacy service - they'll be able to help.

Excusing threatening behaviour on the grounds of his supposed mental health is inexcusable - it's all about the impact of his behaviour on others - (he's a serial offender) - not finding ways to excuse it

womanformallyknownaswoman · 21/03/2018 07:15

btw enlisting others to mob you is workplace bullying. Try Bully Online for info
bullyonline.org/index.php

Your employer has a duty of care for your safety - don't let them minimise what's happening - you could end up with PTSD from being targeted. You are not the only one who has experienced this guy's behaviour - he's obviously Cluster B - diagnosed or not - take real good care - you're at risk of serious harm

TheLastNigel · 21/03/2018 07:17

I had similar with a service user once-we for on well within he boundaries obvs and he would try to give me really really expensive presents for Christmas etc.He would get very affronted when I said I couldn't accept them.
If it was something that could be used (or eaten) communally then I would thank him publicly and say in front of as many other people as possible, 'lovely-we'll share these out amongst the team' or some such. If something that could only be used for me (jewellery for eg) I would simply say 'I'm not allowed to accept this-I would lose my job if I did-but thanks for the thought' and firmly hand the item back (and then tell my manager/record it as an incident).
If it's making you uncomfortable then definitely tell your manager and they will need to write to and speak to the service user.

Arapaima · 21/03/2018 07:19

Good luck today OP.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2018 07:24

"This is why it’s not policy to accept or give gifts isn’t it?"

No, the no gift thing is just public sector and is, I presume, about avoiding corruption as a gift could be seen as a bribe.

What is happening here is not really about the gift, but harassment. It would be the same issue if the service user kept asking OP to go for lunch with him or something. It's the not taking no for an answer that's a problem.

IceBearRocks · 21/03/2018 07:24

Of course whatever the gift is..is important. If it's a pen or a mug then yes YABU.

You are in the wrong job IMO if you can deal with the service users TBH. Compassion and patience is needed in a job like this.

I'm a mum of a disabled child and I'd bloody hate for you to be talking about my child in this manner on a forum. Take it to your manager!!!

Bekabeech · 21/03/2018 07:39

You need to talk to your manager/colleagues about this, and get their input and support.
Then you need to be very very blunt.
And not allow it to be raised again. Have a phrase like "We agreed not to mention this again" to be used whenever he tries to raise it, or you over hearing him gossiping about it with others. If possible get your colleagues to do the same.

@IceBearRocks - I think you are projecting, I read this as being an adult male not some child with SN.

strawberrypenguin · 21/03/2018 07:39

icebear if the OP was working with children you may have a point. She isn't she's working with adults. She has dealt with it but the situation has got to a point where it needs someone else to step in.

OP please do speak to your manager - this has gone beyond reasonable behaviour from the service user.

BarbarianMum · 21/03/2018 07:58

It doesn't matter what the present is - you are under no obligation to accept it. He's harrassing you and you should speak to your manager/HR and they should back you up.

SharronNeedles · 21/03/2018 08:00

May I ask why you don't want to use it?

OddestSock · 21/03/2018 08:04

Definitely raise your concerns with your manager. I had a colleague behave like this towards single female colleagues, he then seemed to think that they “owed” him because of the gifts / favours. He was extremely unpleasant towards them, very intimidating & followed one of them home.

Thankfully he got the sack after an investigation

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2018 08:04

Not remotely difficult to judge without knowing what it is.

Just say to your boss that you find these exchanges with service user intimidating, unpleasant and unnecessary.

Do not be alone with service user.

Either he takes back his gift or gives it to you so you can lose it permanently.

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2018 08:08

OP sorry that you have had so many loony responses wanting to pry out of you what it is!

I can completely see why you want nothing to foveith a gift from a stalker.

Fluffyears · 21/03/2018 08:12

You have said you do not wahtnor need it, that should be the end. I am intrigued as to what it is as well but I am a nosey cow x

OnTheRise · 21/03/2018 08:19

You've told him you can't accept the gift (and yes, he should respect that).

Two of your colleagues are also avoiding this person.

Your management needs to step up.

NoodlesLivesHere · 21/03/2018 08:20

Sing for the sake of a response in my head I imagine you've been bought a personalised mug of some sort.

You using the "mug" would imply an intimacy from the service user that you are justifiable in being wary of and consciously trying to steer away from.

Definitely have a word with your manager and make it clear that it's not the gift that's at issue but the apparent need of the service user to retain a level of control over your usage of the gift which implies a blurring of boundaries. As the service user is presumably vulnerable you need to make sure these boundaries aren't blurred so would appreciate their support to ensure that the non-use of the gift does not become an issue for you, the service user or other service users because clearly encouraging this level of perceived intimacy is not appropriate.

Hope you get it sorted

NoodlesLivesHere · 21/03/2018 08:20

PS I don't actually care what the gift is - I was just rationalising so that my response would make more sense!

PericardiumOne · 21/03/2018 08:32

Jesus Christ, that's creepy as fuck. I am so glad I'm generally known as a rude cow Grin. I'd just tell him that I don't want to use it, that he is making me uncomfortable and that his behaviour needs to stop right now.

Fishface77 · 21/03/2018 08:38

By the way
When I say break it I mean deliberately drop it in front of him so he knows you’ve broken it on purpose. Overstepping twat.

BMW6 · 21/03/2018 08:40

Could you tell him quite firmly that you don't want it so either he takes it back or you will throw it away?

GayAllen · 21/03/2018 08:41

Lose it.

“Oh dear Mr. McCrackpot someone must have taken it home. Oh well we’re not really allowed to accept gifts anyway”.

VivaKondo · 21/03/2018 08:41

I agree. What the object is isn’t important.

What is the fact you have a service user imposing his will on you.
That he is trying blurt boundaries
AND that he is manipulating other service users to get them in his side so you take the risk of having issues with those people too (maybe because they then wont trust you etc...).

There should be some sort of guidance about receiving gifts from service users for the whole company (just like most companies have rules about gifts from supppliers)

diddl · 21/03/2018 08:47

Hope that your discussion goes well today, OP.

Easiest would be if no gifts could be accepted at all.

Of course you should be able to say no & that answer be accepted.

I think by leaving it for others to use you have partially accepted it-better to throw away?

Sounds as if he also needs talking to though-him being a client of the service you provide doesn't mean that any behaviour by him must be accepted, does it?