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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My “no” should be complete, right?

150 replies

singmetosleepgarybarlow · 20/03/2018 22:57

A service user at my work has become a bit obsessed with an unsolicited gift he made me. I don’t want the gift, it’s hideous. I don’t want to say what it is as it is quite distinctive!

I am under no contractual obligation to use the gift. I have said no thank you politely several times but he just won’t let it go. I have tried leaving the thing in a communal place for others to use but this isn’t good enough- he seems to need to see me using it. Whenever he uses our centre and sees me not using it another conversation/conflict arises.

He is now enlisting other service users and trying to get them “on side” as to whether or not I should accept and use his gift.

He is known to be quite an odd and controlling person and my heart sinks whenever I see him these days. I know of two other females who will not be alone with him. I spent most of my last shift hiding from him but could see him handling the gift and talking to others about it at length, most of whom were shooting me serruptitious glances during the conversation so I am fairly sure my ingratitude was being discussed!

I have a meeting with my (male) manager to discuss it tomorrow. I feel faintly ridiculous but I would like my manager to take him to one side and basically ban him from talking to me about it again. I don’t think he will ever drop it otherwise.

I can’t quite believe I haven’t been able to resolve it. I feel vaguely like a failure as a grown up and a woman!

Is this a ridiculous thing to ask my manager to intervene in?

OP posts:

Puffycat · 20/03/2018 23:26

Is it a dildo? If not stop overreacting!

littletinyme1 · 20/03/2018 23:26

Report the behaviour as a concern rather than the gift. Whoever has 'overview' of this chap should help him understand social norms. That's where reporting to your manager is helpful.

littletinyme1 · 20/03/2018 23:27

I think it's a pen?

Tara336 · 20/03/2018 23:27

If someone is making you uncomfortable it doesn’t matter what the gift is you should be able to feel you can say no thank you.

pimlicolife · 20/03/2018 23:28

I would do the following if it was me:

Tell him you've just been informed you cannot accept/use gifts from service users. In light of this you are offering to return it to him or alternatively your manager will dispose of it.

caoraich · 20/03/2018 23:29

YANBU. I've had this happen to me too, I work in healthcare.
Are you in the public sector/affiliated organisations? There are probably policies you can dig out around gift acceptance that you can boringly recite at him.

I always revert to the rule - we can't accept an individual gift worth over £5, other gifts are shared with the team. Patients sometimes buy boxes of chocs etc and I always make it clear that it was a lovely gesture and will be shared - this is usually fine.

If it's a mug or pen or something I guess it could be below a fiver in value, but if it's made you uncomfortable then you are right to ask your manager to intervene.

I'd probably also remove whatever the thing is from areas where the service user can see it (though I suppose he might then think you've taken it home!)

elfycat · 20/03/2018 23:29

Is the gift something that can be used as a bludgeon? Might solve all your problems after it's been taken away as evidence...

Maybe not.

But you have the right to use whatever item you wish to. You made that plain and that should have been the end of it. Everything else which has happened since is harassment. Talking to your colleagues about it is harassment. You're not talking about the gift, you're talking about lack of boundaries and respect.

Can you pm me with what it is though?

pimlicolife · 20/03/2018 23:31

I worked in secure mental health settings for many years and this kind of thing came up. I understand your concerns. It's not about the gift really . It's about the service user and his preoccupation with it (you).

gingergenius · 20/03/2018 23:31

@TroubledTribble28 I presume when you say 'hooker' you mean someone who crochets!????!😂

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2018 23:31

Unless it's a decent coffee maker that the whole group can use, pack it and place it on his desk, with a large note saying....NO THANK YOU!

BelleandBeast · 20/03/2018 23:34

Take it home then he can't see you use it?

caoraich · 20/03/2018 23:34

Oh god, I've just seen that he made it.

This too has happened to me - I won't tell you what it was, but it was life size, hideous and weighed a ton. REALLY tough as strictly had no "monetary value".

I think your only solution is for the manager to speak with him about it. I would consider seeing the service user in pairs if possible, at least for a period of time. This way he is less likely to make inappropriate attachments to staff as well.

TroubledTribble28 · 20/03/2018 23:34

Ginger well yes

Bumshkawahwah · 20/03/2018 23:34

Not unreasonable at all! You’re not obliged to accept, or use anything just because some guy decides you should. He should clearly have backed off at the first, polite ‘no thank you’.

I think you’re quite right to enlist help.

Fishface77 · 20/03/2018 23:35

Break the fucker.
That’ll learn him no means no

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/03/2018 23:36

I think he's really inappropriate. He's forcing something on you and talking to other members of staff about you. It's not on. You didn't ask for it, you've told him you didn't want and still he's banging on. Report him.

Wintertime4 · 20/03/2018 23:38

This is why it’s not policy to accept or give gifts isn’t it? Talk to your manager.

BlankTimes · 20/03/2018 23:43

I'd say it's against company Policy to accept gifts from anyone and he'll have to take it back.

Tell him if you accept it, you'll lose your job.

Then make sure management know there are some female staff who are so uncomfortable around him they won't see him on a 1 to 1, add your name to that list and ensure he can never approach you again.

Jux · 20/03/2018 23:46

Good luck tomorrow. Don't all gifts have to be declared at your company? I have heard of places where gifts are raffled off on a monthly basis. That sounds like a good way of resolving it.

Jux · 20/03/2018 23:48

But yes, "break the fucker" FishFace style!

OceanMoon · 20/03/2018 23:49

I hate that people would expect you to use a mug or pencil holder or anything just because a stranger made it for you. Even worse is the fact that he's making you so uncomfortable at work that you feel you can't relax. It's bollocks. Of course you should ask your manager to intervene and don't feel weak for doing so! Some people are very intrusive and lack any respect for your right to privacy... Hope the manager stamps this out, and I'm sorry that other posters have been saying you should just put up with it because you really shouldn't!

gingergenius · 20/03/2018 23:52

@TroubledTribble28 just checking. You never know how these threads will turn out!!

gingergenius · 20/03/2018 23:53

I'd go full on godfather if I were you op. This needs a horse's head in the bed. Nothing else will get through. Hope it all works out.

MrsCrabbyTree · 20/03/2018 23:54

Can you turn it into a type of 'swear box' for all and sundry to put money in the times they can't say no when they should. Attach a sign to it saying "No means no!" Should get your message across.

Homebird8 · 20/03/2018 23:57

If it’s a gift you can dispose of it if you decide to. Perhaps this would make your point? You could always tell him clearly that that is your intent and ask him if he wants it back.

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