Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My “no” should be complete, right?

150 replies

singmetosleepgarybarlow · 20/03/2018 22:57

A service user at my work has become a bit obsessed with an unsolicited gift he made me. I don’t want the gift, it’s hideous. I don’t want to say what it is as it is quite distinctive!

I am under no contractual obligation to use the gift. I have said no thank you politely several times but he just won’t let it go. I have tried leaving the thing in a communal place for others to use but this isn’t good enough- he seems to need to see me using it. Whenever he uses our centre and sees me not using it another conversation/conflict arises.

He is now enlisting other service users and trying to get them “on side” as to whether or not I should accept and use his gift.

He is known to be quite an odd and controlling person and my heart sinks whenever I see him these days. I know of two other females who will not be alone with him. I spent most of my last shift hiding from him Blush but could see him handling the gift and talking to others about it at length, most of whom were shooting me serruptitious glances during the conversation so I am fairly sure my ingratitude was being discussed!

I have a meeting with my (male) manager to discuss it tomorrow. I feel faintly ridiculous but I would like my manager to take him to one side and basically ban him from talking to me about it again. I don’t think he will ever drop it otherwise.

I can’t quite believe I haven’t been able to resolve it. I feel vaguely like a failure as a grown up and a woman!

Is this a ridiculous thing to ask my manager to intervene in?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2018 00:04

It doesn't matter what it is. If he won't take your 'no' for an answer then it's your manager's duty to step in and tell him to take his (unwelcome) gift off the premises AND that he is not to bring any other 'gifts' to any member of staff.

If your manager won't tackle it on your behalf, then I'd go another step up the line. If that doesn't work, I'd either make the item disappear or find a way to break it when no one's around.

captainjackandjill · 21/03/2018 00:05

I don't think this is about him kindly giving you a gift at all, this is about control. He is trying to force you into a situation where you 'owe' him and you have to be 'grateful' for said gift, and he is deliberately pushing you in to it by refusing to accept your 'no'.

Go cold as ice OP. Super polite, but cold with very short responses when dealing with this man. And yes your boss had better have your back because this is harassment.

I hope it goes well OPFlowers

FantasticButtocks · 21/03/2018 00:18

This sounds very uncomfortable to deal with. He sounds persistent and unpleasant. Forgive my utter ignorance but I don't really understand if a 'service user" is another name for a client or actually someone who works there, sounds like he is a customer or client, sorry to be thick.

There is a good (short) book called Where to Draw the Line, setting Boundaries for everyday life by Anne Katherine - look on Amazon. Well worth a read and useful for many scenarios.

And, here's a formula way to say "no":
You say Mr bloggs, you've given me this steam cleaner/massage chair/hairdryer or whatever and you keep asking me to use it. I'm going to say no, because I prefer to use my own equipment. Please don't ask me again.

So 1. Use his name. 2. State what he's asking you to do. 3. Tell him you're saying no and give a reason. 4. Do not say sorry.

Good luck, he sounds like an overbearing knob Flowers

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 21/03/2018 02:15

I was in a situation like this Op with a guy with learning disabilities and it turned quite nasty with him trying to follow me home and threatening me. He was banned from the service and the police got involved but his family just played it down.
He knew what he was doing as well and had done it many times in the past. It ended horribly with another female service user despite my boss and many others warning the service that ending up accepting him that he was a danger.

Ariesgirl1988 · 21/03/2018 02:32

I'm a bit disturbed by his behaviour constantly returning it to you and talking to other colleagues to get involved so you use it and two women already avoid and refuse to be alone with him? alarm bells are ringing loud and clear in my head. I would start documenting down everything he does dates, times and what he says and does. I don't think its a control freak type of thing, it sounds like borderline harassment to me and you're right to bring it up with management. Hopefully he gets a warning from them and stays away from you.

DarkPeakScouter · 21/03/2018 02:36

Your no should be enough. Hide the gift so he can’t fondle it?

Backscratchesforever · 21/03/2018 02:42

Not to worry you... but could it be bugged or have a mini cam? He sounds awfully pushy for just a gift giver. If it is electrical could he have fiddled with it, spyware?

Maybe I’ve watched too many Government shows on Netflix?

PastaOfMuppets · 21/03/2018 02:42

Your no should be enough and out of principle you shouldn't feel you have to give an excuse.

Your boss owes you their support and I hope your colleagues support you in this too.

Backscratchesforever · 21/03/2018 02:42

Drop it, trip on it and make sure it’s broken.

Starface · 21/03/2018 02:47

Totally inappropriate, controlling and boundary violating. No does mean no. The dynamics of this service user to provider relationship are all wrong. You are absolutely right to enlist management support, as your emotional and physical safety should be considered by your employer. Use these words if you need to, and put the onus on the employer. The agreed approach should be care planned and the whole team should be supporting you in managing this just as you would with other risks. Do make sure you document it all in writing, including following up discussions with confirmatory emails. If you aren't happy with the response, speak to higher management, your union rep and possibly HR. As with pp, in some parts of the NHS this is a relatively regular experience, but where it is not they may handle it less well if they don't understand the risks involved.

Nightshiftmad · 21/03/2018 02:53

Many places behaviour like that would be grounds for him getting fired and rightfully so. It's harassment. Your no is more than enough and the fact he's getting other people at work involved sounds abusive as well. He sounds like bad news to me.

YimminiYoudar · 21/03/2018 06:12

Make sure that your conversation with your boss is focusing on how this behaviour is breaching appropriate professional boundaries.

this isn't a social situation and you shouldn't have to face it unsupported. If there aren't already policies in place that you can use to make him behave, then there should be.

Make sure you are also on the list of those who will never be expected to be alone with him.

CanIBuffalo · 21/03/2018 06:24

Don't break it or he'll only make you another one.
And definitely start to log all unpleasant behaviours/conversations in case you need to escalate it.
Can you do a bright and breezy "Stop that now Mr Y you're making me uncomfortable" and move the conversation on quickly? Just while your manager deals with it.

FindoGask · 21/03/2018 06:29

I'm surprised your employer doesn't have a policy on accepting gifts - I know mine does. It's a useful thing to refer to and avoids making it personal. I definitely agree you should get your manager's support on this, as the service user's behaviour is concerning.

Booboobooboo84 · 21/03/2018 06:30

I think anytime he or any other service user mentions it a firm ‘it’s against company policy and I’ve said no. Please respect that’ should suffice. Your manager should sit him down and go over appropriate behaviour

letmepeeinpeace · 21/03/2018 06:37

It depends what sort of service user, I was told to decline gifts from people that we helped

Qcumber · 21/03/2018 06:38

I think if the OP hadn't given any insight into the type of person this guy is, then saying 'it's against company policy' would be fine. But the fact that he's so persistent, and that two other female members of staff clearly have a problem with him, I think OP needs to be clear and not use excuses. Because it isn't really about the gift, it's about his harassment of the OP.

OutComeTheWolves · 21/03/2018 06:39

You are completely in the right and it doesn't matter what the gift is, if you don't want to use it, you don't use it. It seems to me that while initially giving you the gift might have been harmless, he's now trying to control you. First by badgering you then by enlisting others. I'm very petty and crap with confrontation so might not be giving the best advice, but I'd see this as a battle and would make sure I didn't use the object even if was my only option!

One thing I would say (which I'd find pretty difficult myself) is don't take the easy way out by breaking it or hiding it because you'd just get another one. He needs to see that you've said no and once you say it, you won't be moved.

Ihatemyclients · 21/03/2018 06:41

People on MN pretend they can't offer advice unless all the details have been made known because they're nosy and want you to tell them everything Grin I don't think it matters what the gift is - even if it is just a coffee mug you aren't under any obligation here. You've said no - that should be enough. You've given reasons - that's more than enough! This man is now behaving in a bullying and coercive manner and you don't have to put up with it. You've totally done the right thing by speaking to your manager - please don't feel like you're weak or being silly! This is a totally legitimate concern on your part.

eddielizzard · 21/03/2018 06:43

you're absolutely right not to use it and this man is bang out of order. def tell your manager this bloke is overstepping the mark and making you uncomfortable. he clearly has form if two other colleagues won't deal with him. anything untoward, tell your manager. this isn't ok, you shouldn't have to deal with it alone, and your manager needs to be aware and onside.

good luck

OutComeTheWolves · 21/03/2018 06:43

Oh and don't worry about being seen as rude. I find this is how belligerent people get away with this shit - they don't care about being impolite and making people feel uncomfortable whereas those of us (usually women) who've been brought up to always be kind and polite struggle to do the same back.

IMO if someone is rude first, then we shouldn't worry about being impolite back.

dudsville · 21/03/2018 06:44

Can you start to reply more normally to him, with less politeness? For example, his behaviour is odd. Call him on it. Next time he raises it. And don't let it become a game amongst your colleagues.

fruitcider · 21/03/2018 06:47

It doesn't matter what said gift is, if it's going to displace professional boundaries either perceptually or objectively with the service user or the professional it needs to be refused. If he's being disruptive to other Service users this needs dealing with. What kind of service user is he?

FoofFighter · 21/03/2018 06:54

I think some people who have replied aren't getting that this is not a work colleague, it's a service user. For example, op may be a worker in a resendential home for people with dementia and this is one of the people who live there.

Great advice above, yes stick to policy and also if people are refusing to work with this SU as they don't feel safe that needs addressing ASAP. Especially so if it's in the type of setting where there are other vulnerable service users that might be targeted next.

WhoWants2Know · 21/03/2018 07:06

The behaviour is certainly unpleasant and controlling, but it may also be rooted in the reason he's a "service user".

It doesn't necessarily mean "he's a dick". A need for control, obsessive behaviour regarding people, and lack of understanding that other people have feelings and thoughts of their own, are all things that feature in a number of disabilities and mental health issues.

Certainly he can't be allowed to persist in behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, and your manager needs to intervene.

But there's no need for posters to assassinate his character without knowing the reasons for his behaviour.