Would it be unreasonable to not tell partner that I was adopted?

[Pastaforlunch]

I was put into foster care from birth, and adopted by my family when I was 18 months; they have always been open about this and I have always ‘known’, and have also always felt very loved and wanted by them. I have brother who was also adopted (from a different birth family than mine), and it’s fairly obvious as we look very different. I always used to be fairly open about being adopted too, and the majority of my friends know, but I’ve changed in the last couple of years and no longer like people to know. I think this is mostly due to hearing other people’s negative opinions about adoption in passing conversation, and being asked repetitive questions about my birth family (I have zero interest in tracing them).

There are some family members who see me differently because of being adopted – my dad’s sister has never really made an effort with me or my brother who was adopted, but does with my other brother who she is blood related to. I say I don’t really care because she’s a fairly unpleasant person anyway and I haven’t seen her for about ten years, but it does kinda hurt to be honest, and the feelings of rejection have probably affected me more than I’d like to admit. My mum died when I was 13, and I’ll never forgot my uncle saying “well, yeah you miss her, but she wasn’t your real mum anyway, was she?” to me when he was a bit drunk at a family meal. No one else heard him, and I was too shocked to say anything back. There are other examples, but that’s the worst one.

I’m in my late 20s now and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we have talked about having children one day, but not planning for a while yet. He doesn’t know I am adopted yet. He hasn’t met my brother who was also adopted (and looks very different) yet as he has been living abroad for the last year. When they finally do meet, I’m fairly sure my boyfriend will work it out for himself, and ask me. But in the meantime, I’m in no rush to bring it up tbh. My friends think this is strange, and that by not telling him I’m keeping a secret from him, or I’m ashamed of being adopted. My argument is that I’m sick of being “defined” by it; to me it’s not a big deal (apart from the whole feeling rejected by some family members issue). But deep down I am worried he’ll see me differently if that makes sense? ( i.e. batshit crazy with a load of unresolved issues!)

So my AIBU, would it be unreasonable to not tell a partner that you were adopted? Or alternatively, would you feel lied to if you found out years down the line that your partner was adopted, and they just never told you?

Yabu, he's your partner and you're meant to trust and support each other. It's a pretty big thing to keep from him and as though you're keeping a significant part of yourself from him.
A partner is meant to support you through good and bad times and be someone you can rely on.
I think if being adopted is affecting you in this way, you should have that person who you can talk it through with. It won't matter to him that you're adopted but he can be there for you.

Just to add that my dh refuses to tell my children. Oldest is 21. I feel it's important that they know, especially given the medical background but he just won't budge - doesn't think it's necessary. I don't feel it's my place to tell them - surely it needs to come from him?

Really tricky, that, but I think you're right that it needs to come from him.

If he shuffles off this mortal coil before you then you could say something, but until then I think you have to respect his wishes unless for some extraordinary reason they absolutely need to know. If a sibling from his birth family found him, I'd find that reason enough to tell them; your husband has the right to refuse contact himself, but the children also should have the freedom to choose for themselves.

I've tried bringing it up a few times this weekend...I can't do it . I'll get myself all ready to start the conversation, but then the words just don't come out. I want to talk about it with him and get it out and over with, but it's like I can't :/

Send him a letter

Write it down?

“I know this seems weird, but I’m struggling with how to tell you something so I’ve wrotten it down. I was adopted by my mum and Dad at 18 months. My brother X was also adopted. I don’t know why I haven’t told you before, or why it’s making me feel weird telling you now. It might be to do with feelings if rejection, even though I know that’s silly.”

Don't make a mental 'thing' of it. I understand your feeling of "I've made up my mind now let's DO this!". But most times, 'sensitive' conversations don't work that way. The right time will present itself. It really will. And the right words will come out of your mouth.

If you feel you need to tackle it rather than wait, would it help if you found a show or a move to watch that had an adoption storyline in it for you to use as an 'opening'?

That's how my mum told me of the circumstances around my adoption. I knew I was adopted but didn't know why my mother had given me up other than 'she couldn't take care of you' which was appropriate as a child. When I was older she used a soap opera storyline to gently tell me that the true reason I was given up (like the 'heroine' in the story) was because my birth mother was married and I was the product of an affair.

Do you really think they would be bothered either way?

Don't make a big thing of it, if you want to bring it up then engineer it? Maybe a mention that you are feeling a bit whistful that your child won't have any extended family barring your brother because they are all toxic. When he asks why they are toxic then tell him it's because you were adopted.

I would think it very odd if my husband didn’t tell me he was adopted (he isn’t) If your partner is in it for the long haul then he will want to support you so don’t keep this from him

My son in law was adopted at the age of two. He knows who his birth mother is but has no desire to meet her. He loves his parents and they love him. He's always known and it's never been a problem. I understand why you have some issues , but it's something you really ought to tell him.