Would it be unreasonable to not tell partner that I was adopted?

[Pastaforlunch]

I was put into foster care from birth, and adopted by my family when I was 18 months; they have always been open about this and I have always ‘known’, and have also always felt very loved and wanted by them. I have brother who was also adopted (from a different birth family than mine), and it’s fairly obvious as we look very different. I always used to be fairly open about being adopted too, and the majority of my friends know, but I’ve changed in the last couple of years and no longer like people to know. I think this is mostly due to hearing other people’s negative opinions about adoption in passing conversation, and being asked repetitive questions about my birth family (I have zero interest in tracing them).

There are some family members who see me differently because of being adopted – my dad’s sister has never really made an effort with me or my brother who was adopted, but does with my other brother who she is blood related to. I say I don’t really care because she’s a fairly unpleasant person anyway and I haven’t seen her for about ten years, but it does kinda hurt to be honest, and the feelings of rejection have probably affected me more than I’d like to admit. My mum died when I was 13, and I’ll never forgot my uncle saying “well, yeah you miss her, but she wasn’t your real mum anyway, was she?” to me when he was a bit drunk at a family meal. No one else heard him, and I was too shocked to say anything back. There are other examples, but that’s the worst one.

I’m in my late 20s now and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we have talked about having children one day, but not planning for a while yet. He doesn’t know I am adopted yet. He hasn’t met my brother who was also adopted (and looks very different) yet as he has been living abroad for the last year. When they finally do meet, I’m fairly sure my boyfriend will work it out for himself, and ask me. But in the meantime, I’m in no rush to bring it up tbh. My friends think this is strange, and that by not telling him I’m keeping a secret from him, or I’m ashamed of being adopted. My argument is that I’m sick of being “defined” by it; to me it’s not a big deal (apart from the whole feeling rejected by some family members issue). But deep down I am worried he’ll see me differently if that makes sense? ( i.e. batshit crazy with a load of unresolved issues!)

So my AIBU, would it be unreasonable to not tell a partner that you were adopted? Or alternatively, would you feel lied to if you found out years down the line that your partner was adopted, and they just never told you?

[Super123]

If you didn't tell him, wouldn't there be a big chance that he'd find out from somebody else, as it sounds like a lot of people in your life know about it already?

[Certcert]

As someone who was adopted, if it was me, I would keep quiet.

[OlennasWimple]

Unfortunately, it will come out at some point, both because so many people know and because you and your brother look so different. So your question really is whether you ABU not to tell him at the moment, I think.

I don't think it's something that you should feel obliged to disclose on a first date: it is private information and it does often lead down a rabbit hole of follow up questions. But at the point at which things are getting serious and you are considering having children together, yes, I do think you should tell him. Otherwise it becomes a big thing that it isn't because you haven't told him previously - even worse if he hears it from someone else.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so early and some of your family members are so awful. I don't know if you are aware, but there's a fab adoption board on MN, and you might like to pop over there occasionally. There are posters from all sides of the "adoption triangle " (adoptees / adoptive parents / birth parents) and you might even think about asking this question there as well.

I'm an adoptive mum and am currently going through a similar conversation with DH and DD about who she should and should not tell, but she's only 8. I have to confess I had never thought about dealing with the same issue as an adult (because she is still so young!) so that's some more food for thought for us

[Ariesgirl1988]

To be honest its entirely up to you if you want to tell him now or wait and I can understand your reasons for not doing it sooner judging by the reactions of some people. If or whenever you decide to tell him just tell him it exactly as you have done on here as you've been pretty clear on here if he's lovely I'm sure it will make no difference to him. It horrible when people make remarks like it's their business in future tell them to mind their own.

[gillybeanz]

I told my now dh almost straight away, as soon as we discussed our families, probably second date.
There wasn't any need not to tell him, and was no big deal, I couldn't have kept it from him for a full year, the relationship would be a lie imo

[JeezeLouise]

I was adopted when I was six days old. To me, the natural time to tell him would have been when you started talking about having children together.

[Jux]

It is significant, and he could take it badly when you do tell him, whenever that is.

You can be honest about it. Tell him why you haven't told him until now. It's partly because it doesn't matter to you (indicating that your oarents did a really good job), and partly because you're sick of the questions, and then there's a little bit of insecurity in there too.

So tell him all of it, tell him you do trust and love him, and that you're sorry you didn't tell him before.

I think most people wouldn't care that you wee adopted, but they would mind that you don't trust them enough to tell them. So be prepared for that. And accept and understand that he will want to know all the boring old shit that you're sick of, and answer graviously. It is fair that he knows these things.

Good luck with it. I've known a fair number of people who were adopted and had no interest in their birth family. They got everything from their adopted family and needed no more.

I'm sorry your aunt is a cunt and your uncle a twat.

[Wintertime4]

So you tell your friends but not your partner? That’s pretty hurtful.

[Knittedfairies]

I was thinking the same as Wintertime. I think you should tell him, and sooner rather than later. If you have children, how will you know that, for example, it’s safe to vaccinate if you don’t have the medical history of your birth parents?
Your aunt and uncle are unpleasant idiots, to put it mildly.

[HeddaGarbled]

Massively, massively unreasonable not to tell him if this is a man you are intending to stay with long term. I would be so hurt if my long term partner kept such a big secret from me. I would take this as meaning that (1) he doesn't trust me (2) he's untrustworthy.

By leaving it a year, you've made it into a bigger deal than it needed to be. But that's where you are, so you need to just tell him now. If he's weird about it, well, better to know now than later, when he finds out by accident, yeah?

[Pastaforlunch]

Thank you for your replies! Like I said in original post, I used to be very open about being adopted until a couple of years ago. I will tell him one day, I wish I’d told him sooner as like others have said, the fact that I haven’t yet is making it into a bigger deal than it actually is. Also unsure how to bring it up…”do you fancy a takeaway tonight? Oh btw I’m adopted and been meaning to tell you just didn’t know how to bring it up, please please don’t feel upset or betrayed I didn’t tell you earlier, I just didn’t want to tell you straight away and then I didn’t know how to bring it up. Indian or Chinese?”

P.S. the medical history questions, I am aware of birth parents and grandparents medical history, all pretty boring and healthy, so nothing to say really. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who weren’t adopted who don’t have their birth fathers medical history (just saying!), so I’m always kinda amused when this gets flagged up about adopted people!

[OutsideContextProblem]

I think eventually you will need to tell him. In particular if you have children together the question of what you were like as a baby, how your mum was when pregnant, and basic genetic history questions from the midwife would normally come up over and over again and if a random NCT acquaintance asks something wellmeaning but unfortunate you’d want him to have your back.

The natural time to do it would be privately just before he’s introduced to your DB “by the way, just so you don’t do a confused double take when you meet DB, you should know that he and I were both adopted from different families. It’s not a huge deal, which is why I didn’t mention it before but I wanted to tell you beforehand rather than have it surprise you.”

[ParkayFloor]

I don't think you need to tell him until you want to. I agree with you you're not defined by it, I don't know why it would be "unreasonable" not to tell him. When you're good and ready you will tell him in your own time.

Easier said than done but try not to let other people's silly opinions and views affect your sense of self. There are many ways to make a family, adoption is just one of them.

If I found out my partner was adopted it wouldn't affect any feelings or views etc at all - that's why I don't see it as something you need to "disclose" to anyone, no one has a right to know if you don't want to talk about it.

[slothface]

I have to say (and I'm not adopted) that I'm really quite baffled by all these people who think being adopted is something you have to "disclose" to someone. It's hardly a big taboo secret is it? I'm trying to fathom how it makes any difference but I wouldnt expect a big disclosure about adoption any more than I'd expect someone to sit me down to tell me that their parents separated or their grandad came from Peru...

[ParkayFloor]

@slothface exactly. I'm not adopted but if I were and I told my partner after a period of time and they "felt betrayed" to me that's just making a situation that has nothing to do with them all about them.

I'm married- if my DH turned to me now and told me he was adopted it wouldn't change a thing, nor would I wonder why he hadn't told me earlier, it's nothing to do with anyone but the actual people involved.

Don't let people make you feel as though you're harbouring some big secret OP, you're not. My friend's dad is an alcoholic gambling addict- I don't think she feels the need to "disclose" this to anyone.

[SmileyBird]

You seem to think he’ll work out you’re adopted beciase you look different from your brother, but i could imagine assuming maybe you had two different fathers, as that’s more common than adoption

[Goodasgoldilox]

Tell him. It isn't going to define you after a year together.

If you leave it - it will become a big deal (especially since friends know.) He will feel bad that everyone had a secret and kept him out of it.

Being about to meet your brother is a good reason to bring it up as a natural thing.

No doubt he will be interested in how you feel about it and how you are affected by it but there is no reason for him to want to reject you on account of it.

(Perhaps you can be very glad not to be blood relations of your Aunt and Uncle! They sound horrible or at least foolish.)

[Pastaforlunch]

Exactly @slothface!

Tbh reading all the comments on here from people on here that have said they'd be hurt that their partner had withheld such a "big piece of information" etc...the attitude that adoption is a such a massive deal and makes people so different is exactly the kind of attitude that made me want to be less open about being adopted in the first place!

[ParkayFloor]

@Pastaforlunch so many ignorant comments on here it makes it clear why you don't tell people as a matter of course. I'd stop stressing about it, forget it and tell him when the moment feels right. If he makes a song and dance about it then that's very peculiar indeed.

[slothface]

@Pasta honestly I'm finding these comments bizarre. I don't see adoption as a "big secret" or "defining characteristic" like people are making out. It just...is. As a PP said if your partner started flinging words about like "secret" and "betrayed" then it's making something which is not a big deal, and actually nothing to do with him, all about him. I honestly would put the information of someone being adopted on the same level as knowing the name of a childhood pet in terms of how groundbreaking it is to a relationship. How does it possibly have any bearing? Unless of course you feel it's given you hangups you want to discuss which is a different matter, but the information in itself, not a big thing and I'm shocked so many think it is

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm adopted and my brother is, like yours, not my biological brother. I'm pretty open about it, my brother is not. I don't feel 'defined' by being adopted any more than I feel 'defined' by having brown eyes or curly hair. It's just a part of my story, it is not 'who I am'.

But I haven't run into much negativity about being adopted in my personal experience, perhaps that's because I'm much older than you and 'nature vs nurture' wasn't as big a 'thing' back then. I will admit that it really pisses me off these days when a point is made about someone being 'the adopted child' of or a big deal is made of the fact that a notorious person is adopted.

I think the choice to tell or not is entirely up to the person, the same as with any family situations (stepparent, half siblings, etc) until you get to the point of planning a definite future. If you and he are just 'vaguely' discussing having children at some nebulous point in the future then I don't think you need to tell him if you don't want to. But if you're setting dates or making plans to set up a home together with a view to a family, then it's time to bring it up.

I wouldn't make a big production about it. I never did with my DH. Perhaps do as I did, just drop a few family stories about your parents into a conversation into which you can work the phrase 'that was before (or after) they got me'. He'll ask 'what do you mean 'got you'?' to which you reply "Oh, didn't I ever tell you I was adopted?". If you don't treat it as a big deal, neither will he.

[Scootingthebreeze]

Totally agree with slothface and parkay. Whether you're adopted or not doesn't change who is identified as your parent within your family unit. In the same way I get annoyed when people query the age gap between my sibling and I and the term 'half sister' inevitably gets bandied around (we share one parent). To me she is my sister, there is no half about it and it just pisses me off to hear the half. I used to mention that she was my half sister when younger but then I realised I didn't like the way it sounded nor the implication that she's less of a sister, nor the questions that always arose about my family dynamics so I totally understand your change of stance.

[captainjackandjill]

I have zero patience with people who demand to know all the ins and outs of their partner's past history. It is none of their damn business!!

Everyone is entitled to their privacy. If you want to keep that part of your life private that is entirely up to you. Anyone who becomes obsessive about knowing all the details of your past in order to 'trust' you is just making up crap in order to snoop through your life. They have no real need to know.

The OP would be fully capable of figuring out on her own whether she had any health concerns regarding her birth parents and future children. Why on earth would she have to tell her partner in order to find that out?

Tell him when/if you're ready OP. It is your fully your choice and is not anything that should concern him at all. Anyone that is going to dump you because they find out one day that you were adopted (and didn't wish to discuss it) is ridiculous!

[Hauskat]

Haven't RTFT as I am off to bed but I wanted to say that no one should feel pressured to reveal anything about themselves (that doesn't in any way impact their partner) before they are ready.

I am adopted too (although very luckily haven't encountered some of the bullshit attitudes you have - sorry you have had to go through that) and it has been important for me to have some control over my 'story' in adulthood as I didn't get to make choices back then. For me that meant telling people very quickly so I could make it seem super casual but it could equally have meant never telling anyone or only when it came up (my brother was in that camp). I can see that when your boyfriend finds out it might sting a bit that he didn't already know but I imagine it's nothing you can't work out when you explain your reasons for wanting to get to know him without all that.

I def don't see why it would matter when you have children - most people don't have full genetic histories do they and if he has specific concerns about genetic conditions that run in his family you can get tests done (but I also imagine you will have told him by then anyway!)
Sorry if I am rambling and incoherent, bedtime.

[Ariesgirl1988]

@Pastaforlunch I really don't get that how people say oh you need to know for medical history if you're adopted You're right even blood relatives don't always know, I had a few health issues last year and had to ask my mum for bio dad's medical history which I knew hardly anything about (I don't see him) and my mum gave me what info she knew so don't really see that as an issue. I hope your partners reaction is supportive but I can't really see a problem myself your reasons are understandable.