Would it be unreasonable to not tell partner that I was adopted?

[Pastaforlunch]

I was put into foster care from birth, and adopted by my family when I was 18 months; they have always been open about this and I have always ‘known’, and have also always felt very loved and wanted by them. I have brother who was also adopted (from a different birth family than mine), and it’s fairly obvious as we look very different. I always used to be fairly open about being adopted too, and the majority of my friends know, but I’ve changed in the last couple of years and no longer like people to know. I think this is mostly due to hearing other people’s negative opinions about adoption in passing conversation, and being asked repetitive questions about my birth family (I have zero interest in tracing them).

There are some family members who see me differently because of being adopted – my dad’s sister has never really made an effort with me or my brother who was adopted, but does with my other brother who she is blood related to. I say I don’t really care because she’s a fairly unpleasant person anyway and I haven’t seen her for about ten years, but it does kinda hurt to be honest, and the feelings of rejection have probably affected me more than I’d like to admit. My mum died when I was 13, and I’ll never forgot my uncle saying “well, yeah you miss her, but she wasn’t your real mum anyway, was she?” to me when he was a bit drunk at a family meal. No one else heard him, and I was too shocked to say anything back. There are other examples, but that’s the worst one.

I’m in my late 20s now and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we have talked about having children one day, but not planning for a while yet. He doesn’t know I am adopted yet. He hasn’t met my brother who was also adopted (and looks very different) yet as he has been living abroad for the last year. When they finally do meet, I’m fairly sure my boyfriend will work it out for himself, and ask me. But in the meantime, I’m in no rush to bring it up tbh. My friends think this is strange, and that by not telling him I’m keeping a secret from him, or I’m ashamed of being adopted. My argument is that I’m sick of being “defined” by it; to me it’s not a big deal (apart from the whole feeling rejected by some family members issue). But deep down I am worried he’ll see me differently if that makes sense? ( i.e. batshit crazy with a load of unresolved issues!)

So my AIBU, would it be unreasonable to not tell a partner that you were adopted? Or alternatively, would you feel lied to if you found out years down the line that your partner was adopted, and they just never told you?

[tillytoodles1]

My son in law was adopted at the age of two. He knows who his birth mother is but has no desire to meet her. He loves his parents and they love him. He's always known and it's never been a problem. I understand why you have some issues , but it's something you really ought to tell him.

[JustMarriedAndLovingIt]

I would think it very odd if my husband didn’t tell me he was adopted (he isn’t) If your partner is in it for the long haul then he will want to support you so don’t keep this from him

[AllNamesTakenhell]

Don't make a big thing of it, if you want to bring it up then engineer it? Maybe a mention that you are feeling a bit whistful that your child won't have any extended family barring your brother because they are all toxic. When he asks why they are toxic then tell him it's because you were adopted.

[fuzzyduck1]

Do you really think they would be bothered either way?

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't make a mental 'thing' of it. I understand your feeling of "I've made up my mind now let's DO this!". But most times, 'sensitive' conversations don't work that way. The right time will present itself. It really will. And the right words will come out of your mouth.

If you feel you need to tackle it rather than wait, would it help if you found a show or a move to watch that had an adoption storyline in it for you to use as an 'opening'?

That's how my mum told me of the circumstances around my adoption. I knew I was adopted but didn't know why my mother had given me up other than 'she couldn't take care of you' which was appropriate as a child. When I was older she used a soap opera storyline to gently tell me that the true reason I was given up (like the 'heroine' in the story) was because my birth mother was married and I was the product of an affair.

[NoSquirrels]

Write it down?

“I know this seems weird, but I’m struggling with how to tell you something so I’ve wrotten it down. I was adopted by my mum and Dad at 18 months. My brother X was also adopted. I don’t know why I haven’t told you before, or why it’s making me feel weird telling you now. It might be to do with feelings if rejection, even though I know that’s silly.”

[incywincybitofa]

Send him a letter

[Pastaforlunch]

I've tried bringing it up a few times this weekend...I can't do it . I'll get myself all ready to start the conversation, but then the words just don't come out. I want to talk about it with him and get it out and over with, but it's like I can't :/

[SeaEagleFeather]

Really tricky, that, but I think you're right that it needs to come from him.

If he shuffles off this mortal coil before you then you could say something, but until then I think you have to respect his wishes unless for some extraordinary reason they absolutely need to know. If a sibling from his birth family found him, I'd find that reason enough to tell them; your husband has the right to refuse contact himself, but the children also should have the freedom to choose for themselves.

[undercoveragent]

Just to add that my dh refuses to tell my children. Oldest is 21. I feel it's important that they know, especially given the medical background but he just won't budge - doesn't think it's necessary. I don't feel it's my place to tell them - surely it needs to come from him?

[demirose87]

Yabu, he's your partner and you're meant to trust and support each other. It's a pretty big thing to keep from him and as though you're keeping a significant part of yourself from him.
A partner is meant to support you through good and bad times and be someone you can rely on.
I think if being adopted is affecting you in this way, you should have that person who you can talk it through with. It won't matter to him that you're adopted but he can be there for you.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I was coming on to say have some counselling too so you are at peace yourself around everything first.
My concern would be and l hope this is not too upsetting; If you tell him now and ye break up for a totally different reason you will always believe its because you are adopted and it will compound your rejection around it. So don't make a big drama of telling him . Maybe going to counselling and discussing with him how you are getting on there will give you an opportunity to drop it into the conversation. Because it needs to come up soon or you will have grown it into a much bigger issue than it actually is.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think counseling is a good idea. I think whether we had wonderful family acceptance or, well, less than wonderful, all of us adoptees have, maybe not 'issues', but 'things we need to put to bed'.

My entire family was wonderful, I had an adopted aunt, and 3 adopted cousins so it was 'no big deal'. None of us were ever made to feel less than full family members. But even so, I had a few things I needed to work through in my own mind. Counseling was a great help.

And of course he'll understand! And if he didn't, then he's not worthy of you anyway.

[Pastaforlunch]

Just reading through all the replies now, plenty of food for thought. It hadn't even occured to me about telling my future children to be honest, not that I would keep it from them, just hadn't crossed my mind before .

I will definitely tell my boyfriend, in my own time, but sooner rather than later. I'm also thinking about maybe seeing a counsellor to have a chat about some things as there are definitely some unresolved issues that I'd like to work on. Been thinking about it alot, and I'm 99.9% sure that my worries are silly and he'll be understanding about it, which is why I love him.

Also, sorry for drip feeding, but no, there's no chance he'll meet any unpleasant family members. Haven't seen aunt since...2007? I tried to invite myself to a family event she was hosting years ago and she told my dad she'd assumed I'd be working, but that I couldn't come anyway as there wouldn't be enough food (it was a buffet) , since then I've made zero effort and tried to make peace with that it is what it is. Uncle died a while ago, didn't attend funeral.

[mirime]

Are you going to be attending family events together where your less pleasant relatives will also be? Is it possible that they could mention something?

If so it's probably better to tell him yourself.

I'm not sure your brother looking nothing like you will make it obvious, I know some siblings who you'd never guess were related.

Otherwise... I don't know. It wouldn't change my opinion of someone to know this but if I found out after, say, 10 years of marriage I'd be a bit confused and hurt as to why you'd never mentioned it, even in passing, before that.

[kateandme]

also if they assume your parents are * they wont then screen for genetic issues whereas if they no you don't have records or health details of ur family they will widen any future screening they would do.this both for baby and ur health in the future should it be needed.

[pastachucker]

I think that you should tell him. He isn't some random acquaintance or a boyfriend of a couple of weeks. Things are getting serious with him.
I do think that if you are planning to have children with him in the future it would be helpful for him to know. Also it would help him to understand the family dynamic going on.
If you don't tell him, situations will come up where you find yourself having to tell half-truths so that the "secret" is not revealed. I also think that when you have children and they are older they should know about their family history.
I am sorry that people have been so unkind to you in the past but if your partner is the right one it won't make any difference to him.
I don't think there is any need to explain that you are adopted to every single person you meet but a life partner should know this.

[kateandme]

ur very fear of beig rejected will be I think what id feel if my partner couldn't trust me with something like this.deff after a year together.id always wonder why they never felt able to tell me.
I think with me it would come up so early on so now after a year in my head Id have built it to an issue it wouldn't have been if id mention it almost in passing like I do early on.
there was nothing made of it because nothing was made of it if that makes sense
I can totally empathise with you.such a hard thing to get over expecially with your past and how people treat you.but id like to think if yo uwith him after a year he loves you and you him so much it really wouldn't matter to him.your you hun.he loves you without knowing so how can that change with.it changes nothing bout you
also with kiddies down the line or if you became ill and need blood or transfudions of some kind it will come up.

[LoverOfCake]

If you go to a midwife appointment she'll ask for both of your family's medical histories. all this medical history stuff is overrated. Yes she could ask, but you equally might not know. My ex has a genetic condition which we talked about at the time I was pregnant and which could have been passed on (it wasn’t,) but similarly it turned out some years later that I also have a condition which is genetic which my whole family might have and just might never have come out until now. None of us knew until i fell ill, now we all have to be screened. My parents and siblings have chosen not to be as they don’t want to know. It won’t make any difference to the here and now and they aren’t planning to have any more children so it’s not an issue. My DC have decided to be screened at sixteen but none of that would have been disclosed when me or siblings had children because we were unaware despite being of the same biological family etc. So they ask, you say no. That’s all really.

[LoverOfCake]

I am going to come at this from a slightly different angle.

Firstly, the fact that you are not comfortable telling your partner that you’re adopted says more about you than it does others in that it seems that you yourself are grappling with some issues surrounding being adopted, even though you say you’re not. I would be inclined to go and seek some support in dealing with those issues for yourself so that you can perhaps better reconcile your reasons for not wanting to tell a partner. I don’t agree with all this trust and betrayal stuff as adoption was far different back then to how it is now in that babies were often adopted due to parents having them out of wedlock etc rather than now when it usually is down to abuse and children are removed by the authorities and adopted much later in life iyswim.

That being said, my partner grew up in foster care, was never adopted but was removed with siblings because of serious abuse part of which has had a long-term impact on him in that he has disabilities as a result, but it matters not where he grew up, although there are some issues there, but he doesn’t need to be defined by it iyswim.

The second issue here though is that if you have children then they have a right to know.Especially if you have family who are prone to making comments about your heritage i.e. that you’re adopted. But either way, they have a right to know that their grandparents, cousins etc are not biologically their family as hard as that is, not least because if you have friends who know and they talk about it within earshot of their children then it’s possible that the children could find out elsewhere.

I had an uncle growing up who was actually my cousin. It was common back then. Aunt got pregnant young and my nan took on the baby and adopted him. She didn’t tell him. And one day when he was about seven a child at school said “my mum says your mum isn’t your real mum.” (Because kids just say what they hear and repeat.) so he went home and asked nan about it and only then did she tell him the truth. If people know then it’s not a secret and there is always a chance of it becoming known to those you haven’t told even your children.

And if the children need to be told and their father didn’t even know, then I can see why he would feel the lack of trust and potential betrayal.

[Paie]

As PP have said, I would tell him.

If you go to a midwife appointment she'll ask for both of your family's medical histories.

[soupforbrains]

I'm in two minds about this. On the one side I think that you should take your time and tell him whenever it feels right for you and if that is when the topic arises naturally (through him meeting your brother or whatever) then that's fine. I don't think it's a big nasty secret that you're hiding from him it's just a fact about you, it's not anything which will impact him or your relationship in itself, so it's just something that you can tell him when you're ready.

on the other side I think I would feel sad as your partner when I eventually found out that you hadn't felt comfortable telling me and more so if it only came out because of something seeming to 'force' the situation, i.e. meeting your brother etc.

I think essentially there is no 'correct' or 'right' time frame or way of sharing important details like this, but you should do so when you are happy and comfortable doing so, but i would also urge you to consider how it might make your partner feel. Of course if your partner is a good one then even if it makes him a little sad he will understand that it was a sensitive topic.

best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Hauskat]

Oh and when I got married I didn't need an adoption certificate. I don't actually know if I have one!?
When my midwife asked my families medical history I mentioned I was adopted and then told her about the medical history I have records of. I could easily have omitted the bit about being adopted.
I do think long before then you will have wanted to share it with him and so told him of your own volition though. But work to your time scale - as you will with every other bit of information about your life before you met him.

[Hauskat]

Pallisers said what I was trying to more eloquently I think about needing to be the one making the choice.

Pasta I'm sure you will want to tell him one day but that should be motivated by a sense of wanting to share it with him not fear and dread that he might be hurt if you don't! That would be so cruel and unfair on you, it would also be a sort of false intimacy.

Those who are suggesting that adoption is likely to affect who you are should be aware that everyone comes with baggage wether they are aware of it (and forewarn their partners) or not. I'm not the most securely attached human in the world but my husband (not adopted) has some serious attachment issues. I didn't get a dossier of everything that might have ever affected him in his childhood when I entered the relationship. He didn't even know half the stuff that has shaped him. I just got to know him, you know, the way you get to know anyone. He got to choose how and when he revealed information about himself.
I on the other hand, because I am adopted, did come with a sort of disclaimer. On some level (very wrongly) we both sortof expected me to be fucked up. It has meant that every problem we had in our early years together really was viewed through that lens and perceived to be my issue. Obviously that's not inevitable (and him not knowing wouldn't have changed the fact that I was looking for solutions to our problems in myself) but I do think it's completely healthy to want to keep that fact-- and all the accompanying prejudices around it, away from the burgeoning dynamic of your relationship until you feel it won't be shaped by it.

And the idea that his hurt on finding out would be in anyway comparable to the damage to you (and the sense of trust you might be starting to feel in him) if you felt hamstrung into telling him before you were ready is nuts.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

If you want a real and loving relationship with someone who can help heal your feelings of rejection, then yes, you need to tell him, and tell him why you didn’t want to initially, and tell him everything, and let his love help make changes.

If he can’t, he’s not the one.