Would it be unreasonable to not tell partner that I was adopted?

[Pastaforlunch]

I was put into foster care from birth, and adopted by my family when I was 18 months; they have always been open about this and I have always ‘known’, and have also always felt very loved and wanted by them. I have brother who was also adopted (from a different birth family than mine), and it’s fairly obvious as we look very different. I always used to be fairly open about being adopted too, and the majority of my friends know, but I’ve changed in the last couple of years and no longer like people to know. I think this is mostly due to hearing other people’s negative opinions about adoption in passing conversation, and being asked repetitive questions about my birth family (I have zero interest in tracing them).

There are some family members who see me differently because of being adopted – my dad’s sister has never really made an effort with me or my brother who was adopted, but does with my other brother who she is blood related to. I say I don’t really care because she’s a fairly unpleasant person anyway and I haven’t seen her for about ten years, but it does kinda hurt to be honest, and the feelings of rejection have probably affected me more than I’d like to admit. My mum died when I was 13, and I’ll never forgot my uncle saying “well, yeah you miss her, but she wasn’t your real mum anyway, was she?” to me when he was a bit drunk at a family meal. No one else heard him, and I was too shocked to say anything back. There are other examples, but that’s the worst one.

I’m in my late 20s now and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we have talked about having children one day, but not planning for a while yet. He doesn’t know I am adopted yet. He hasn’t met my brother who was also adopted (and looks very different) yet as he has been living abroad for the last year. When they finally do meet, I’m fairly sure my boyfriend will work it out for himself, and ask me. But in the meantime, I’m in no rush to bring it up tbh. My friends think this is strange, and that by not telling him I’m keeping a secret from him, or I’m ashamed of being adopted. My argument is that I’m sick of being “defined” by it; to me it’s not a big deal (apart from the whole feeling rejected by some family members issue). But deep down I am worried he’ll see me differently if that makes sense? ( i.e. batshit crazy with a load of unresolved issues!)

So my AIBU, would it be unreasonable to not tell a partner that you were adopted? Or alternatively, would you feel lied to if you found out years down the line that your partner was adopted, and they just never told you?

[lalalalyra]

I would find it strange as a partner if I found out something as big in my partner's life as this from someone else. It seems like a lot of people in your life know and that may make it seem like something specifically kept from him rather than just something that hasn't come up yet.

[BennyTheBall]

You need to tell him. It will become something huge and weird otherwise and it doesn't need to be.

[undercoveragent]

My dh didn't tell me until after we married. And yes, I did perceive it as somewhat of a betrayal especially as he didn't really tell me as such, it just came out.
This was then compounded by finding out just how serious his birth mother's mental health issues were when I was pregnant with dc1.
So although you shouldn't feel obliged to tell him at the moment, it should certainly happen before marriage or pregnancy.

[pallisers]

OP, I am also adopted and it really resonated with me when you said "why should it always define me".

I had a good adoption - my family/extended family/huge extended family don't make any distinction between adopted and biological. But yours did.

I don't think you can enter into a long-term relationship with someone without sharing this important fact. I say this from your point of view - you need him to know this about you so he can understand you. Not that he has any right to know. But you don't have to do it on any particular timetable.

So take your time. Tell him when you want to. If, as people are so keen to point out, it doesn't matter whether you are adopted or biological, then why does it matter when you tell him.

And just to say, OP. Your uncle was a fucking ass hole. As was anyone else who treated you differently. Your mum and dad loved you very much.

[happymummy12345]

My husband is adopted and has had other deeply personal issues in his past. He told me everything, from beginning to end. I could only imagine how difficult it must have been for him as outside his family only his closest friend knows, nobody else does. Also I was the only partner he ever told.
He told me very early on in the relationship (our relationship moved very fast though, we were together officially after 2 weeks, ttc after 2 months in a relationship, and married the date we'd been together for 11 months, so we were married and expecting a baby within 1 year).
It meant a lot that he told me. It would have hurt if he didn't feel he could tell me anything. Equally I've had personal issues in my own past that I told him about very early on.
I don't think there should be anything you feel you can't share with your long term committed partner.

[NotMeNoNo]

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. I think it's the sort of thing life partners should know, if the person treats you differently or makes negative comments, (after a chance at first to get their head around it) you are well rid of them. It is your choice but there may be consequences.

[Greenyogagirl]

I don’t think it’s a big deal, you don’t meet someone and say ‘hi I’m Green and I’m adopted!’ I suppose you have to tell him at some point though! Could you watch long lost family or something and casually say ‘I’ve never been interested in tracing my biological family....’

[Springtrolls]

My brother was adopted, he didn't care about the bio parents but siblings was a different thing. We searched for each other for years. SM makes finding relatives easier without the need to go through official channels. We didn't.
Although a good family adopted him, and he wasn't bothered, this changed when he started to have children. Hence he started to search for siblings.

What I'm saying is, you don't know what is around the corner. For the moment you are content with your emotions and who knows and who doesn't. But this could change, and it could suddenly change. No-one knows how they will be tomorrow. You may find you need his emotional support in the future and be forced to tell him that way, and he might not be able to give you that support whilst he's trying to process this. Hope this makes sense.

How to raise it now? Have a general chat about families. Then chuck in although mum and dad did an awesome job, I do wonder if we would have met if I had stayed with bio parents. Or you wonder if the bio parents had any other children etc. But it needs to be on your terms of course it does when you feel comfortable to have this chat.

I am guilty of asking daft questions. Not in malice, just because I am really nosy and I didn't want to make assumptions. He's more than someone who was adopted, same as you. It shouldn't define a person. I just think the questions are more of a curiosity.

There are many ways of making a family and they don't always have to be blood. Adoption is just one of many routes. If he doesn't understand or accept that then maybe he's not the one.

[Pannacott]

But it is a big deal to you. As a result of it you've had horrible experiences from close family and prurient uncomfortable questions from acquaintances, at the very least, from what you've said. These are pretty significant parts of your experience and who you are. Of course you have no duty to tell him, but you are defining the boundaries of your relationship in a certain way by choosing not to share this.

If you did want to, it really wouldn't be hard. You can just lightly let him know there is something you wanted to share that you have mentioned before. What are your worries about how to talk about it?

Of course some mothers don't know who fathers are etc, but presumably you aren't suggesting that that is ideal? Just because it's true that some people have a gap of information, it's fine?

Also, he currently believes something that you know is untrue. Your mother died young (I'm so sorry for that loss). If that was due to natural causes, in his shoes I'd be concerned about the likelihood of you dying young, and the likelihood of any children we had dying young. Not sure if that had occurred to you but it would be better b my mind

[Pannacott]

Sorry - it would be on my mind.

[pallisers]

Again, as an adopted adult I would like to reiterate to the OP that her experience of adoption is authentic and that she can tell her partner about her adoption at any time she wants -soon or late. this is her story and on one else's. This is particularly important for adopted people because we have usually had a narrative and a secret history imposed on us with no agency on our part. So why the fuck should we also tell our stories on some other people's timetables?

Yes it is a big deal to her. And she can deal with it as she wants. What really irritates me is the idea that adoption shouldn't matter - except of course when it comes to other people when it does. Of course someone you have committed to, needs to know your life story but why can't the OP tell her story in her own time? Why does it have to be the BIG important thing you tell a serious partner? Why can't she decide on her own message?

I told everyone who mattered to me on any level that I was adopted, including any serious boyfriends and dh. But that was my choice. Why does OP have to do the same?

As for the worrying about her dying young - so what. God knows what is in her actual medical history. Do any of us fall in love and then start worrying about medical histories?

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I do think it’s too big a part of who you are, not to tell your partner.

I think you should tell him now, before it becomes any ‘bigger’ in your mind and before you’re in a situation where you feel you have to explain it, then he’ll feel you only told him because you had to, not because you wanted to.

I think now, after a year together, you can just say ‘DP, I thought now was the right time to tell you, I’m adopted. I went into foster care when I was x days old because... I was adopted when I was 18 months old & my brother was adopted when he was x & I was y. We don’t share birth parents. I do/don’t keep in touch with my foster parents & I do/don’t remember much about being there. I used to be open about telling people, but people were too intrusive and I hate people feeling like it defines me, so I no longer tell people, but I wanted you to know’.

Kind of get the info out, in a nutshell, that he’s likely to ask.

The longer you keep it a secret, the harder it will be to tell him and the more betrayed he will feel.

If he loves you, he won’t ‘see you differently’ and if he is in anyway funny about it, he’s not the right man for you anyway. Trust his love for you.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Pallisers

Of course she can tell him when she wants to (or not at all).

However, she asked how people would feel, so we are telling her how we would feel.

It’s not the BIG important thing you have to tell a serious partner, there are LOTS of BIG things you should tell a serious partner, but THIS is the one she was asking about.

I’m sorry if it’s upsetting you, but the OP asked a question & people are replying.

[incywincybitofa]

I think two things come into play here the first is you don’t have to tell him but how far are you going to keep him from finding out, that effort is most likely to be the sting for him.
One way to think of it is all the annoying feckers you can’t stand who do know this thing about you but you’re not allowing the man you love to find it out.

Second and perhaps more relevant your birth family can make efforts to track you down and open up contact with you, if or when that bomb shell goes off you may well feel he’s the person you want to discuss it with, you could do without that being the time he finds out you are adopted almost everyone knew and you kept it from him but are now leaning in for emotional support.

You are entitled to say this doesn’t define me but then why not tell him?
As my son said “it’s your story to tell to who you want, when you want “ but my son does tell people

[CommanderDaisy]

I haven't read all the resposes, but I am adopted, and I understand where you are coming from completely.

But
You need to tell him, and soon. Just use the words you put in your post, and tell him your examples..

Personally, I don't trot around carrying a flag saying "I'm adopted" either because people tend to want to know all the details, and then start getting all judgy when I tell them I have not contacted my birth mother- like you.

I had a closed adoption and no details for my father. I have no medical information either. I have had a bit of a Google with the info I have but I just want to "see" what my biological relatives look like and know who they are, not necessarily hang out.

I also had the shitty family comments when I was 9 at a full massive family reunion that put out a printed family tree. Beside my name in brackets was (adopted). And when my mum complained to the organiser she was told , in my presence - "she's not part of the family though is she?" . Fucker. My mum was furious.

I get you. Tell him.

And if anyone on here is from Newcastle-upon-Tyne and knows a Dodd family with a concert pianist in their history - let me know, apparently I'm related.

[HoppingPavlova]

I would tell him because you have told others. Imagine if he hears it sometime in the future but not from you. If you had of told no-one from the get go then I wouldn’t see a problem.

As to looking different to your brother, I wouldn’t take that as a tell-tale sign. My two kids (older teens) couldn’t look more different. To add to it they also both look completely different to DH and I. If people were forced to play match the family DH and I would be assigned as siblings (even though we don’t look alike) before the kids would be matched to us or each other. We have had people openly assume we did IVF with donor material and when my kids were young one of their friends told them they were adopted, apparently the friends parents assumed this and told the child as fact. They are both biologically ours, even had genetic testing due to medical issues so no hospital ups etc. Looks mean nothing.

[FlouncyDoves]

I think you should tell him. Don’t make it a big deal, just explain that you’re adopted and don’t see it is as life defining etc. He’ll probably be chill about it all. Most blokes are.

[MissBeehiving]

My DH is adopted and he mentioned it in passing pretty soon after we got into a relationship, definitely before I met his DPs. He had a similar reaction from the wider family as you have done - culminating in his uncle asking his brother (biological) to change his name to the maternal family name so that it didn’t die out, but not asking my DH because he wasn’t part of the “bloodline”. Stupid idea anyway but quite offensive.

I can’t imagine not knowing- it’s part ( not all) of who he is and helps me understand him better.

Being adopted, does not define you, but it is something that a partner should be trusted enough to know. If they treat you differently then they’re probably not a nice person!

[DaisyInTheChain]

It's your choice, but the big situation comes when you have DC, I know from experience not knowing what to do with DC. Is it relevant to tell them that the family isn't family.

I was told by a friend to tell them young as it won't seem like such a shock. Being nervous still I didn't. Now it just goes unsaid.

What you need to think about is if your birth family ever want to get in touch or try to get in touch. Your opinion on that can change with the wind of that makes sense. Over a 20 year period I've been up & down about it if that makes sense.

I would query why you wouldn't want to tell them, the situation doesn't make you any less of a person.

Wishing you all the best.

[rocketgirl22]

Don't tell him now if you don't want to, but you could tell him further down the line if he proposes or similar. Once it was plainly obvious you were going to be committing to a future with him and having dc or getting married.

It is your life, your privacy is clearly important to you, and you are right to be careful whom you tell given the negative things you have heard in the past.

[Arapaima]

I'd tell him, OP.

I think it's no problem you haven't told him yet and I don't think it's weird or a betrayal or whatever. But you've been together a year now. This is around the time it starts to get serious and you share stuff like this IMO.

[UnimaginativeUser]

My ex was adopted. He didn’t tell me until we’d been together a few years and after we’d moved in together.

His attitude to it was completely different to yours OP. He was ashamed of his adoption. I never knew the story behind his adoption, but he clearly felt a lot of rejection, despite the huge amount of love he received from his parents. He told me because his mum had told him to. I’d spent years making myself inadvertently look stupid by saying comments like “you get that look from your dad”. He mentioned it once, refused to answer any of my questions and then never mentioned it again!

It didn’t bother me in the slightest that he was adopted. What did bother me was that I felt he hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. I was literally the only person that didn’t know, and I only found that out while speaking to his mate’s girlfriend who I had become very pally with.

Oh and he had an aunt that didn’t really treat him differently, but always got his birthday wrong and thought it was his adoption day (adopted at only a few weeks old).

[MrsDilber]

You really should tell him. I'm really sorry to hear some of the cruel behaviour you've had, from people who should know better. Family.

I see no reason to hide it from him. None of this was in your control as you were a child. But if you're in a long term relationship with him, it is worrying why, of all the people in your life, you feel you can't share it with him?

[Namethecat]

If it was me I think I would tell him. It could be said very casually along the lines of ' Because it's no big deal for me, it occurred to me earlier I can remember if I've told you I'm adopted '

[sleep5]

I think it's worth telling him sooner rather than later. If something affects you emotionally later on related to your adoption, you may feel you can't talk to him about it because you've kept it secret for so long.
Also, he may find out via someone else that you're adopted and feel that you don't trust him and wonder what other secrets you may be hiding.
I know plenty of people who were adopted and have never heard any negative comments about them or about adoption.
Good luck with whatever you decide.