Would it be unreasonable to not tell partner that I was adopted?

[Pastaforlunch]

I was put into foster care from birth, and adopted by my family when I was 18 months; they have always been open about this and I have always ‘known’, and have also always felt very loved and wanted by them. I have brother who was also adopted (from a different birth family than mine), and it’s fairly obvious as we look very different. I always used to be fairly open about being adopted too, and the majority of my friends know, but I’ve changed in the last couple of years and no longer like people to know. I think this is mostly due to hearing other people’s negative opinions about adoption in passing conversation, and being asked repetitive questions about my birth family (I have zero interest in tracing them).

There are some family members who see me differently because of being adopted – my dad’s sister has never really made an effort with me or my brother who was adopted, but does with my other brother who she is blood related to. I say I don’t really care because she’s a fairly unpleasant person anyway and I haven’t seen her for about ten years, but it does kinda hurt to be honest, and the feelings of rejection have probably affected me more than I’d like to admit. My mum died when I was 13, and I’ll never forgot my uncle saying “well, yeah you miss her, but she wasn’t your real mum anyway, was she?” to me when he was a bit drunk at a family meal. No one else heard him, and I was too shocked to say anything back. There are other examples, but that’s the worst one.

I’m in my late 20s now and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we have talked about having children one day, but not planning for a while yet. He doesn’t know I am adopted yet. He hasn’t met my brother who was also adopted (and looks very different) yet as he has been living abroad for the last year. When they finally do meet, I’m fairly sure my boyfriend will work it out for himself, and ask me. But in the meantime, I’m in no rush to bring it up tbh. My friends think this is strange, and that by not telling him I’m keeping a secret from him, or I’m ashamed of being adopted. My argument is that I’m sick of being “defined” by it; to me it’s not a big deal (apart from the whole feeling rejected by some family members issue). But deep down I am worried he’ll see me differently if that makes sense? ( i.e. batshit crazy with a load of unresolved issues!)

So my AIBU, would it be unreasonable to not tell a partner that you were adopted? Or alternatively, would you feel lied to if you found out years down the line that your partner was adopted, and they just never told you?

[SeaEagleFeather]

It isn't anyone's business but yours in a way, but when you choose to share your life then you usually mention the big stuff. People react differently to adoption and better to get it out of the way earlier rather than later.

Sympathies on the fucking awful family comments. Lost my beloved, lovely adoptive mum at 13 and it became clear later that my adoptive father didn't think I was part of the family. Some people should be gagged

[KochabRising]

If you plan on having children then I would definitely tell him. It is something they ask and depending on his family history it could be something that leads to extra tests for you both. For example if he has a recessive disorder in the family that isn't in yours he’d be fairly safe to assume things would be OK with kids, but if he doesn’t know your genetic background for it testing might be needed.

Don’t forget that you see this through he lens of your experience and that gives it much more emotional strength to you. His reaction will likely be ‘oh, ok’ as he doesn’t have that emotional background to it. I a partner had told me this it would just be one more fact about them, rather than a huge deal.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I'm not adopted, but I was fostered. Sadly I didn't get adopted.

Anyway; I'd tell him. Not for any reason other than that it'd be a strange thing to keep from him - you'd tell him any other family information and I think it makes it bigger than it is to withhold it. For example, if your parents were divorced, you'd mention it.

That said, it's your life and if you don't want to tell him, don't. You'll just have to accept that some people will be fine with not knowing; and others will be hurt that you didn't tell them. That's just human nature, and it'll be difficult to explain why you didn't want them to know when others do. It may almost feel a bit more hurtful that way.

though. It's not an easy thing to tell people. I mentioned it in the pub; I think. Just very quickly and clearly; and then asked to change the subject.

[Haffdonga]

Pasta

Your boyfriend has fallen in love with you as a person, not your family and not your genetics. Why would he feel any differently about you?

[TeenTimesTwo]

Being adopted isn't a big deal in as much as it doesn't change who you are as a person.

However it is a pretty significant life event that many partners would expect to know about, and would feel hurt at not being told.

[RafikiIsTheBest]

I think in your situation I'd tell him. Not because I think he needs to know or has some right to that information but because you need to see his reaction and talk about it.
You need to know how he feels about adoption, if he's going to be one of the people who have the idea that your family is not your real family then I don't think you have a future together. If it doesn't make a difference to him and he is just a little upset that you've kept it then I think you can talk it through. If he's not bothered at all and totally understands then you know it doesn't matter to him, just like it doesn't matter to you and he can hopefully help if you need a buffer with your horrible aunt and uncle.

Do you want to risk wasting time with someone that has different feelings of what makes a family? It will come out eventually and I wouldn't want to risk having spent 10 years with someone, have kids with them, be tied to them and then find out they don't match on these basic fundamentals.

[jaseyraex]

My DH is adopted. Was put in the system when he was a baby and formally adopted when he was 4. He is no contact with either his birth family or his adoptive family now. He told me very early on. I think I'd have been really hurt if he didn't tell me, especially if we were at a point of discussing children and marriage. It doesn't change my opinion of him in the slightest. Why would it? Some people are just arseholes when it comes to things like this but your boyfriend obviously loves you for you and wants to be with you for the long term. I don't think it's fair to keep him in the dark.

If you're going to have children then it will have to be discussed, the midwife will need to know about possible genetic problems and of course you likely won't know any of that as you're adopted. It would hardly be fair to wait until then and spring it on your boyfriend. Likewise getting married, you'll have to provide your adoption certificate. I think it would be better to tell him before any of the big life stuff happens in your relationship.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

YANBU to have not told him yet, but you YWBU to not tell him fairly soon.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. Put on a movie like Mamma Mia and in the scene where she doesn't know who her dad is you say 'It is a bit crap, I don't know who my birth parents are either'. leave it at that.

[Trinity66]

why wouldn't you though? Seems odd other people would know but not the one who you share your life with

[Elusiveone]

I agree with people putting its none anyone else's buisness apart from your own. You tell him when you want to. Im adopted and only tell people if they need to know and have told my partner. Remember being adopted does not make you any different to anyone else. You should not have to explain to anyone the reasons why.

[NightCzar]

I am in a bit of a similar situation. I told DH quite early on but haven't told my DC. I can't quite work out how and should probably have done it earlier. If they'd just grown up knowing it would have been better than a big reveal. I just don't think about it much and have sort of forgotten to mention it.

I really think you should tell your boyfriend though. He could really take it the wrong way and it could be bad for the relationship. My kids are still young enough to be stuck with me! (Although this has prompted me to get round to it)

[AtrociousCircumstance]

If you want a real and loving relationship with someone who can help heal your feelings of rejection, then yes, you need to tell him, and tell him why you didn’t want to initially, and tell him everything, and let his love help make changes.

If he can’t, he’s not the one.

[Hauskat]

Pallisers said what I was trying to more eloquently I think about needing to be the one making the choice.

Pasta I'm sure you will want to tell him one day but that should be motivated by a sense of wanting to share it with him not fear and dread that he might be hurt if you don't! That would be so cruel and unfair on you, it would also be a sort of false intimacy.

Those who are suggesting that adoption is likely to affect who you are should be aware that everyone comes with baggage wether they are aware of it (and forewarn their partners) or not. I'm not the most securely attached human in the world but my husband (not adopted) has some serious attachment issues. I didn't get a dossier of everything that might have ever affected him in his childhood when I entered the relationship. He didn't even know half the stuff that has shaped him. I just got to know him, you know, the way you get to know anyone. He got to choose how and when he revealed information about himself.
I on the other hand, because I am adopted, did come with a sort of disclaimer. On some level (very wrongly) we both sortof expected me to be fucked up. It has meant that every problem we had in our early years together really was viewed through that lens and perceived to be my issue. Obviously that's not inevitable (and him not knowing wouldn't have changed the fact that I was looking for solutions to our problems in myself) but I do think it's completely healthy to want to keep that fact-- and all the accompanying prejudices around it, away from the burgeoning dynamic of your relationship until you feel it won't be shaped by it.

And the idea that his hurt on finding out would be in anyway comparable to the damage to you (and the sense of trust you might be starting to feel in him) if you felt hamstrung into telling him before you were ready is nuts.

[Hauskat]

Oh and when I got married I didn't need an adoption certificate. I don't actually know if I have one!?
When my midwife asked my families medical history I mentioned I was adopted and then told her about the medical history I have records of. I could easily have omitted the bit about being adopted.
I do think long before then you will have wanted to share it with him and so told him of your own volition though. But work to your time scale - as you will with every other bit of information about your life before you met him.

[soupforbrains]

I'm in two minds about this. On the one side I think that you should take your time and tell him whenever it feels right for you and if that is when the topic arises naturally (through him meeting your brother or whatever) then that's fine. I don't think it's a big nasty secret that you're hiding from him it's just a fact about you, it's not anything which will impact him or your relationship in itself, so it's just something that you can tell him when you're ready.

on the other side I think I would feel sad as your partner when I eventually found out that you hadn't felt comfortable telling me and more so if it only came out because of something seeming to 'force' the situation, i.e. meeting your brother etc.

I think essentially there is no 'correct' or 'right' time frame or way of sharing important details like this, but you should do so when you are happy and comfortable doing so, but i would also urge you to consider how it might make your partner feel. Of course if your partner is a good one then even if it makes him a little sad he will understand that it was a sensitive topic.

best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Paie]

As PP have said, I would tell him.

If you go to a midwife appointment she'll ask for both of your family's medical histories.

[LoverOfCake]

I am going to come at this from a slightly different angle.

Firstly, the fact that you are not comfortable telling your partner that you’re adopted says more about you than it does others in that it seems that you yourself are grappling with some issues surrounding being adopted, even though you say you’re not. I would be inclined to go and seek some support in dealing with those issues for yourself so that you can perhaps better reconcile your reasons for not wanting to tell a partner. I don’t agree with all this trust and betrayal stuff as adoption was far different back then to how it is now in that babies were often adopted due to parents having them out of wedlock etc rather than now when it usually is down to abuse and children are removed by the authorities and adopted much later in life iyswim.

That being said, my partner grew up in foster care, was never adopted but was removed with siblings because of serious abuse part of which has had a long-term impact on him in that he has disabilities as a result, but it matters not where he grew up, although there are some issues there, but he doesn’t need to be defined by it iyswim.

The second issue here though is that if you have children then they have a right to know.Especially if you have family who are prone to making comments about your heritage i.e. that you’re adopted. But either way, they have a right to know that their grandparents, cousins etc are not biologically their family as hard as that is, not least because if you have friends who know and they talk about it within earshot of their children then it’s possible that the children could find out elsewhere.

I had an uncle growing up who was actually my cousin. It was common back then. Aunt got pregnant young and my nan took on the baby and adopted him. She didn’t tell him. And one day when he was about seven a child at school said “my mum says your mum isn’t your real mum.” (Because kids just say what they hear and repeat.) so he went home and asked nan about it and only then did she tell him the truth. If people know then it’s not a secret and there is always a chance of it becoming known to those you haven’t told even your children.

And if the children need to be told and their father didn’t even know, then I can see why he would feel the lack of trust and potential betrayal.

[LoverOfCake]

If you go to a midwife appointment she'll ask for both of your family's medical histories. all this medical history stuff is overrated. Yes she could ask, but you equally might not know. My ex has a genetic condition which we talked about at the time I was pregnant and which could have been passed on (it wasn’t,) but similarly it turned out some years later that I also have a condition which is genetic which my whole family might have and just might never have come out until now. None of us knew until i fell ill, now we all have to be screened. My parents and siblings have chosen not to be as they don’t want to know. It won’t make any difference to the here and now and they aren’t planning to have any more children so it’s not an issue. My DC have decided to be screened at sixteen but none of that would have been disclosed when me or siblings had children because we were unaware despite being of the same biological family etc. So they ask, you say no. That’s all really.

[kateandme]

ur very fear of beig rejected will be I think what id feel if my partner couldn't trust me with something like this.deff after a year together.id always wonder why they never felt able to tell me.
I think with me it would come up so early on so now after a year in my head Id have built it to an issue it wouldn't have been if id mention it almost in passing like I do early on.
there was nothing made of it because nothing was made of it if that makes sense
I can totally empathise with you.such a hard thing to get over expecially with your past and how people treat you.but id like to think if yo uwith him after a year he loves you and you him so much it really wouldn't matter to him.your you hun.he loves you without knowing so how can that change with.it changes nothing bout you
also with kiddies down the line or if you became ill and need blood or transfudions of some kind it will come up.

[pastachucker]

I think that you should tell him. He isn't some random acquaintance or a boyfriend of a couple of weeks. Things are getting serious with him.
I do think that if you are planning to have children with him in the future it would be helpful for him to know. Also it would help him to understand the family dynamic going on.
If you don't tell him, situations will come up where you find yourself having to tell half-truths so that the "secret" is not revealed. I also think that when you have children and they are older they should know about their family history.
I am sorry that people have been so unkind to you in the past but if your partner is the right one it won't make any difference to him.
I don't think there is any need to explain that you are adopted to every single person you meet but a life partner should know this.

[kateandme]

also if they assume your parents are * they wont then screen for genetic issues whereas if they no you don't have records or health details of ur family they will widen any future screening they would do.this both for baby and ur health in the future should it be needed.

[mirime]

Are you going to be attending family events together where your less pleasant relatives will also be? Is it possible that they could mention something?

If so it's probably better to tell him yourself.

I'm not sure your brother looking nothing like you will make it obvious, I know some siblings who you'd never guess were related.

Otherwise... I don't know. It wouldn't change my opinion of someone to know this but if I found out after, say, 10 years of marriage I'd be a bit confused and hurt as to why you'd never mentioned it, even in passing, before that.

[Pastaforlunch]

Just reading through all the replies now, plenty of food for thought. It hadn't even occured to me about telling my future children to be honest, not that I would keep it from them, just hadn't crossed my mind before .

I will definitely tell my boyfriend, in my own time, but sooner rather than later. I'm also thinking about maybe seeing a counsellor to have a chat about some things as there are definitely some unresolved issues that I'd like to work on. Been thinking about it alot, and I'm 99.9% sure that my worries are silly and he'll be understanding about it, which is why I love him.

Also, sorry for drip feeding, but no, there's no chance he'll meet any unpleasant family members. Haven't seen aunt since...2007? I tried to invite myself to a family event she was hosting years ago and she told my dad she'd assumed I'd be working, but that I couldn't come anyway as there wouldn't be enough food (it was a buffet) , since then I've made zero effort and tried to make peace with that it is what it is. Uncle died a while ago, didn't attend funeral.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think counseling is a good idea. I think whether we had wonderful family acceptance or, well, less than wonderful, all of us adoptees have, maybe not 'issues', but 'things we need to put to bed'.

My entire family was wonderful, I had an adopted aunt, and 3 adopted cousins so it was 'no big deal'. None of us were ever made to feel less than full family members. But even so, I had a few things I needed to work through in my own mind. Counseling was a great help.

And of course he'll understand! And if he didn't, then he's not worthy of you anyway.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I was coming on to say have some counselling too so you are at peace yourself around everything first.
My concern would be and l hope this is not too upsetting; If you tell him now and ye break up for a totally different reason you will always believe its because you are adopted and it will compound your rejection around it. So don't make a big drama of telling him . Maybe going to counselling and discussing with him how you are getting on there will give you an opportunity to drop it into the conversation. Because it needs to come up soon or you will have grown it into a much bigger issue than it actually is.