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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP eats more than me...

166 replies

Cassiopi · 20/03/2018 20:50

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable (honestly, if I'm being a knob I would rather know). DP and I have just moved in together. Not married and only have joint account for groceries/bills etc. Not ready for fully joint account just yet. I put £20 a week towards shopping and he puts £25. I've been looking at receipts recently and £25 of food is purely what he would eat and £20 is for both of us. Basically, he is paying for things like bars, chocolate, things I don't eat such as desserts and cinnamon bagels. All of the money I put in is going towards meat and veg, for both of us. Is it fair that I am footing the bill for both of us whilst his money just goes on whatever he fancies and non staple foods which I consider junk? Surely our joint money should pay for stuff we both eat and he should pay for goodies for himself? AIBU? Just want to see what your opinions are before I have a word with him!

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 20/03/2018 22:45

OP, if you're actually paying 50/50 on rent and bills but have spare bedrooms and host your boyfriend's children then that's not fair.

The weekly shop seems to be a couple of random bits and not an actual shop so perhaps you need to do bigger shops and you'll both be healthier and less likely to snack. E.g. a healthy adult should eat about 500g of fruit and veg a day so that's 7kg/week for 2 people - that's more than a big of peas + a few apples and it's impossible to properly feed 2 people on £20.

However, you seem to be very frustrated about how you split bills given your salary discrepancy. I'd say that if you've only just moved in, it's too early for him to be subsiding you. I'd also point out that with more income tax and children to pay for, he might not have that much more money than you.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 20/03/2018 22:47

If it was the food thing on its own I would have said you were nitpicking but with the additional detail you've given I actually think this is very unfair on you.

It's all very well to have views on joint v individual finances but in this case you're joint when it comes to outgoings which is great for him and his dc but you're on your own if you have nothing left over! While he may not have thought of it that way, he needs to have his eyes opened.

Bluelady · 20/03/2018 22:51

If anyone's a financial abuser in this relationship it's OP's partner. I'm really shocked that he's expecting her to subsidise his children on a little over half his income. He saw you coming, OP.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/03/2018 22:59

I'd be interested to know how much of the domestic work this man does, as well. What with it being, oh, incredibly rare for a man with DC to choose a woman he can make some money off (by insisting bills are split 50-50 for instance) and who he can dump most of the cooking, cleaning and childcare on...

OP, you are subsidizing this man's living costs as well as his chocolate treats. Is he that good a shag, really?

Trethew · 20/03/2018 23:36

Find it hard to take this seriously. You’ve got a joint income of 58 grand a year and you’re fretting about a 5 quid difference in weekly food contributions.

ParkayFloor · 20/03/2018 23:40

I couldn't live with someone if food consumption was an issue. Don't nitpick and be tight OP. What if one day you have an extra slice of toast or glass of juice? It all sounds very petty. I'd feel uncomfortable eating in that environment thinking I'd eaten more than/ less than my fair share.

writergirl747474 · 20/03/2018 23:42

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a couple where the woman wasn't subsidising the man's food - they eat loads! Obviously I am basing this in my boyfriend's snacking habits but I doubt he's the only one that seems to down extra meals (and annoyingly stays slim). YANBU. Can you maybe meal plan and do an online shop together and split 50/50 then he pays for his snacks?

People who watch their money aren't being tight, they're being sensible. Great if you're loaded but for many £5/week or £25 a month is a lot. Others have different financial goals. Personally I aim to keep day to day (coffee, cafe lunches) spending down but I have loads of holidays.

ParkayFloor · 20/03/2018 23:46

Just seen your update about living in a more expensive property to accommodate his children. Ignore my previous post sorry. He earns double what you earn so he should pay double what you pay- not necessarily for food but definitely for the house and household bills. At the moment you are subsidising his children. Why?

You pay 1/3 he pays 2/3. That relates to your income and accounts for he fact you are in a more expensive property to accommodate his children. When his children stay with you are you still paying 50/50 of bills or does he cover their costs?

ParkayFloor · 20/03/2018 23:47

To clarify I meant you should pay one hits and he should pay two thirds of household bills.

ThatItIs · 21/03/2018 00:00

Wow some posters are really nasty.

OP, yanbu - I think you need a chat about the food bills and the fact you are paying equally for the house even though you could have had a smaller house if it weren't for his kids.

BTW I think it's important to discuss things like this rather than bottle them up. A fiver isn't the end of the world but if it's bugging you then it's much better to sort it out.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/03/2018 01:05

No way

There is no way you should be paying half the rent & half the bills of a bigger house than you need because he has children. No way. HE needs to pay the difference between a place you two could rent if he didn’t have children & what you’re paying now - especially when he’s earning double what you are.

He’s taking advantage of you and no decent guy would do that. I’d be thinking about whether he’s really the man you want to be with,

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 21/03/2018 01:11

Men eat more than women and depending on the type of work they can eat a lot more on top of that.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 01:17

It doesn’t sound like either of you are properly commited. He earns twice what you do and yet he’s fine with you paying the same as him? Nah. That’s BS. I’ve been in those relationships before and it never works out.

My husband and I earn roughly the same and we just keep a little back for ourselves each so I can spend without guilt. But even if we earned different amounts, we’d still share most of our money - why would I want him to be scrimping and saving while I go out spending all day? That doesn’t sound like fun to me at all.

Farmerswife36 · 21/03/2018 01:27

Seriously for the sake of a fiver does it really matter ???? I suspect this is a wind up ie excel finance sheets ? Hmmmmm Hmm

HelenaDove · 21/03/2018 01:38

FFS Read the fucking thread properly some of you They are HIS kids HE chose to have them so HE takes responsibility for them and pays the difference on the house............the cheap tight bastard.

HelenaDove · 21/03/2018 01:39

And like SGB is pointing out i bet OP does most of the childcare when they visit/stay over.

Ickyockycocky · 21/03/2018 01:56

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think some posters on here are being unreasonable.

It would drive me up the wall to be in your position. It’s really not on and you would be right to address it. Don’t make a big deal out of it but do discuss it calmly and reach a compromise you can both live with. It’s early days for the two of you and unless you can sort this issue, the writing may be on the wall.

sleepymouse · 21/03/2018 02:06

Dh and I have always had joint finances since living together, I find it so much easier to think about household income and expenses without worrying who earns more. During our relationship sometimes I have been the breadwinner, sometimes him and now we are about even in terms of income. However if you are not ready for joint finances the amount you put into a shared account should be proportional to your separate incomes, then you wouldn't need to be checking receipts to account for spending. It could be your DP is just used to having a higher disposable income and getting treats without thinking of cost

lottiegarbanzo · 21/03/2018 07:34

I think she's upset about the £25 on snacks because it's the last £12.50 she has every week and he's spending it on himself.

That's after he's deprived her of all her other money, by taking it to provide a large enough home for his children (and pay his and their bills).

It's like the 'group meal out' scenario where the people who earn most, choose elaborate meals and expensive drinks, then expect the person who budgeted carefully for a main course and one glass of wine to split the bill.

OP - just say no. If he doesn't want a relationship with you on fair, equitable and respectful terms, he doesn't love or respect you.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/03/2018 08:36

If you were both earning around the same, I’d say you were being daft to nitpick over the food bill. But your entire set-up sounds very unfair.
Despite your much lower income, you’re subsidising him and his children by splitting all the big bills 50-50.
I’d suggest sitting down with him and working out a much fairer way of dividing the costs. Once that’s sorted, the odd tenner spent on chocolate for him or whatever treat you fancy will be much less problematic.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/03/2018 08:37

Oh, and I wouldn’t even mention the food shopping at this stage. It’s a fairer division of rent and utilities that you need to sort out.

Marmite27 · 21/03/2018 09:25

The way we do it is we take turns to buy the shopping, so I pay one week, DH pays the next, so he can buy whatever he wants on his week as long as the meals are covered.

It also helps to spread the load with meal planning and cooking as the shopping person is responsible for those on their week too.

Beetlejizz · 21/03/2018 10:06

The difficulty here I think is that while it might arguably be legit to be 50/50 when there are very different earnings, at least in the very early days of cohabitation, that can only work if the lifestyle is designed to be affordable to the lower earner. That requires a commitment by the higher earner to live below their means, which isn't happening here.

AngelsSins · 21/03/2018 10:29

There are some right twats on this thread, most of all can't seem to read beyond the first post before replying with scorn. Take no notice OP, it says more about them than you.

I think you're massively being taken advantage of here. Men moan so often about gold diggers that I think a lot of women put themselves at a disadvantage just to show they're not that type. The truth is, there are just as many male gold diggers, and he's either one of them, or he's just not thought it through. Living with him is costing you extra because you're subsidising HIS kids. This needs to stop, you are not in a position to do that.

Sit him down and tell him that you earn half of what he does, yet your having to pay 50% of the bills which are higher than they would be, because he has children. It's not fair to expect you to pay for that, especially at this stage. If he doesn't understand that, I'd honestly move out because it shows that he's only interested in what is best for him.

Might also be best to post any further updates in Relationships! :)

DextroDependant · 21/03/2018 16:12

Well I was going to sat you are being ridiculous and if I was only getting £10 worth of meals I would need snacks too.

However

On reading your updates I think your circumstances are unfair and you need to have an honest chat with the man you love about how you are struggling and finding 5050 a bit unfair. I am sure if he realised he would be mortified that you so hard up.

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