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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP eats more than me...

166 replies

Cassiopi · 20/03/2018 20:50

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable (honestly, if I'm being a knob I would rather know). DP and I have just moved in together. Not married and only have joint account for groceries/bills etc. Not ready for fully joint account just yet. I put £20 a week towards shopping and he puts £25. I've been looking at receipts recently and £25 of food is purely what he would eat and £20 is for both of us. Basically, he is paying for things like bars, chocolate, things I don't eat such as desserts and cinnamon bagels. All of the money I put in is going towards meat and veg, for both of us. Is it fair that I am footing the bill for both of us whilst his money just goes on whatever he fancies and non staple foods which I consider junk? Surely our joint money should pay for stuff we both eat and he should pay for goodies for himself? AIBU? Just want to see what your opinions are before I have a word with him!

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 20/03/2018 22:02

We go through our receipts and keep a running tally of who owes what. It mostly balances our, but we have it in our excel finance sheets

Very possibly I have missed the joke here and this person is winding us up. If thats not the case wow!

It would be my decision to share all our money if we were living together. It has been your decision not to. You have to agree between you what's fair, either 50/50 or proportional to your income. An extra fiver for the food is not enough to make either system fair.As others said if you are living in a bigger house because of his children it's not fair to expect you to pay 50% of all bills. Decide what you would prefer to do and speak to him about it. You won't get a consensus on here about this.

CamilleJanae · 20/03/2018 22:03

Agree with @LipstickHandbagCoffee

Some proper nasties on this thread. You haven't once been rude or nasty so don't feel bad about people who can't articulate their feelings politely. Maybe it's a sign of your good nature that you pay for his daughter and wanted to split 50/50. Naive or not, you haven't done anything awful. Maybe just been taken for granted a bit. I say have a word with him.

As I said, don't stress about people on here. They wouldn't call you a twat or abuser to your face, just immature idiots hiding behind the internet! All the best.

myrtleWilson · 20/03/2018 22:03

ignore the rude posts OP - I think you don't sound like a financially abusive twat - shall I get my DH to agree so it gives my view greater credence? Grin

How did you reach a decision on the 50/50 split on other bills given the higher outgoings are a result of his needs and responsibilities towards his children?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/03/2018 22:04

We too maintain an excel spreadsheet of expenditure planned and unplanned

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/03/2018 22:05

Financially abusive Hmm FFS

Original poster
Cassiopi · 20/03/2018 22:06

@StickThatInYourPipe apparently so..

OP posts:
Happymummy1991 · 20/03/2018 22:09

I have an app that I enter every single £ I spend. I am extremely organised with my money and DH is not. Hence why we dont have joint finances. He would drive me mad with his laid back attitude and I would drive him mad with my micro managing Grin

carefreeeee · 20/03/2018 22:10

The food in that link you put up is not even enough for 2 days. How does one small pack of rice crispies and 2 pints of milk make 14 adult breakfasts? And it hardly includes any fruit or veg. If that is really all you are eating between 2 for a week no wonder your partner is having to spend 25 extra for himself.

Obviously if you were on the breadline you'd have to manage but I think you'd lose weight pretty quickly if that was all you ate.

ArizonaLeone · 20/03/2018 22:10

Bloody hell. Some nasty people out tonight! OP some people just lack compassion and don't have the mindset to actually put themselves in your position and give a constructive answer. You are in a sticky position because you've made a few mistakes and allowed yourself to be taken a bit for granted. Not the end of the world and certainly does not make you a twat. You just need to sit down and have a serious word with DP. For all we know, he thinks you are happy with the arrangement!

Sending my best wishes x

Kahlua4me · 20/03/2018 22:11

Gracious, cassiopi everyone seems to have given you a hard time for no apparent reason.

For what it’s worth if you are still reading the thread, I think you need to sit down with dp and discuss finances again. It is clearly not working if you are checking up on who is buying what and also not fair that you both put in 50/50 when he is earning double plus has dc.

When dh and I first moved in together prior to marriage we had our own accounts and another account that was purely for food, bills, holidays etc. We both put a % of our wages in to that account and then could use our own accounts as we wanted. Dh had a bit more in his own account as he earns more, but not a huge amount, and he put more in to joint one.

Good luck with sorting it out, communication is the key...

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/03/2018 22:11

Can someone recommend me an app please (sorry for derail OP!)

I have looked at a few but I would like a recommendation please :)

cheshiremama89 · 20/03/2018 22:14

YABU

Your grocery bill is so low anyway, you really are nitpicking

Original poster
Cassiopi · 20/03/2018 22:14

Thanks for support. Happy for people to keep commenting but I'm not adding any further detail. Thanks again, c

OP posts:
Pannacott · 20/03/2018 22:15

Sorry that aggressive people are giving you a hard time and not even understanding the situation properly.

This situation is really unfair on you. If you are splitting your rent 50/50 then you are subsidising his children. That would be doing him a massive favour even if you earned the same.

He is eating more expensive food than you. You are subsidising his food bill.

He should be contributing more than you as he earns more. Presumably he is able to save and has more discretionary spending money than you. That is putting you at a major disadvantage financially.

I really think you should reconsider your current set-up, or at least have some very clear discussions with your partner about how the finances will work in the future.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/03/2018 22:17

No you’ll not get balanced responses to individual monies post
It simply is too much for some,they get all giddy.
Do try have a chat to your partner,explain the practicalities of your pov

Notso · 20/03/2018 22:18

I can't see what meals the writer of that £20 Aldi shop article is going to make. It seems to be pasta bake one night then a chicken leg or breaded cod with mushroom and pepper for the other 6.

Catra · 20/03/2018 22:18

I can see both sides of this. On one hand it sounds like you're nitpicking - my DH pays for the majority of the food but I eat way more of it than he does because I'm at home far more. If he started going through the bill and trying to split it according to what we ate I'd tell him to get a life! On the other hand, DH earns 3 times what I do, so it's only fair that he pays more than me for bills, mortgage, food etc - I contribute less but proportionally the same amount of my salary. If your DP earns almost twice as much as you he should be contributing twice as much towards shared expenses, regardless of who eats what.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to share expenses which is fair enough, but fussing about the food is only going to make you look petty.

On another note, I'm gobsmacked how you get by on such a tiny food budget. Mine & DH's salaries are less than yours and DP's and we thought we were doing well cutting ours down to £70 per week!

ArizonaLeone · 20/03/2018 22:19

Am I the only one who thinks £70-£90 is an insane amount to spend on 2 people? Confused

Happymummy1991 · 20/03/2018 22:19

pyongyang I use wallet and I used to use moneywise but I found wallet has slightly better features.

HicDraconis · 20/03/2018 22:21

Looking at your respective incomes your DP earns nearly twice as much as you. He also brings higher living costs to the joint living scenario as additional rooms are required for his children. This should not be subsidised by you at your current stage of "not ready for fully joint account just yet". At the moment if you are paying 50% of bills and shopping (bar 5 pounds which in the larger picture is irrelevant) then you are subsidising him.

A 50:50 split isn't fair on you with this disparity of income. It would be more equitable to have a 65:35 split as his income is almost double yours - you therefore put in approximately 1/3 and he pays the 2/3 remainder.

Jobbieshitkakaboudin · 20/03/2018 22:22

Im trying not to be nasty but you both need to put in more and eat more! Like £60 each! Then any monet left in June goes on a couples holiday.

mickeysminnie · 20/03/2018 22:22

The food is a red herring really. The 50/50 on a larger house because he needs bedrooms for his kids is the problem. If you have a 3 bed as opposed to a 1 bedroom house because of his needs then he needs to pay the extra over and above what you would pay in a 1 bedroom house.

cordeliavorkosigan · 20/03/2018 22:22

wait, you pay 50/50 but need more space because he has DC, he makes nearly double what you make, you have to pinch pennies while he gets luxuries? this is not a partnership, and he has it pretty good getting your 50% input to the space while enjoying all his luxuries while you have to be tight.
This is not a good deal for you. Split things proportional to income and don't fall into funding his housing needs.

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 22:34

If he didn't have kids, you'd be in a smaller and cheaper place leaving you with some more spare cash. He needed the extra space, he pays the extra costs.

Please sit him down and go over that with him. If you need some more support, then post a new thread about the rent cost/room for his kids/him earning twice your wage situation and I promise, you will get everyone back you up.

Sowhyaskme51 · 20/03/2018 22:35

Can you not just split the actual "food" bill and when going round with the trolley keep all his shit to one end of the trolley and when you put it through the check out - go halves on the "food" shopping (and no doubt cleaning stuffs like bleach etc). and he can pay for his chocolate and stuff separately, especially if your NOT also eating it!!

Simple no..??

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