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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Black hair in baby daddy's bath

130 replies

mummytomaxwell · 20/03/2018 19:46

Me and my partner decided it would be best for me to move out with our little one 5 weeks ago. We still text a couple of times a day and I've been round there three times. He tells me he wants us to live together again and how much he misses us.
Today I took our little boy round to see him and I went up for a wee and to my surprise there was a big lump of black hair in his bath. He's bald so it's definitely not his.
I still have feelings for him so I'm probably over reacting but I'm not sure why there would be any hair in his bath if he's on his own.

I know we arent really together kind of just seeing each other etc but AIBU for being upset about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytomaxwell · 20/03/2018 22:39

We split up because of DV and financial control. He never came to the hospital when out LO was in for bronchiolitis. He has paid £50 towards him in the last 4 months. He bought him a pair of socks once because he wanted to go into the skate shop his ex's mum worked in. He keeps telling me he wants to get back together but continuously lies to me about everything. I really do still have feelings for him but I know i shouldn't

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 20/03/2018 22:41

Please don’t get back with him OP he sounds like a right cunt.

And I call my husband baby daddy Grin

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/03/2018 22:42

He’s a skank.unsupportive financially,emotionally and Dv.youre best shot of him
Of course you have feelings,you couldn't have anticipated any of this
But based on what you’re saying,gather your friends/family and build a safe strong life
Life for you and baby.you don’t really need a tight wad man who beats you

Ariesgirl1988 · 20/03/2018 22:47

@mummytomaxwell sorry I wasn't laughing at you with the pubes comment I was laughing because I find it so bloody unbelievable at the suggestion it could be pubes!

Seeing your reply if you don't trust maybe its best to just walk away and let him have a relationship with your baby?

LovingLola · 20/03/2018 22:48

He held you to the bed with his hands around your throat.
He could have strangled you.
You would be insane to even consider getting back together with him.

Moominfan · 20/03/2018 22:48

Op sorry your getting a hard time. There's some absolute insert appropriate swear on mumsnet that just love to stick the boot in. Hope you sort something out soon x

Somersetter · 20/03/2018 22:52

You sound well rid of him OP, and you know it. Stay strong! Sorry about all the crappy responses on this thread - ignore them.

You're still so young, make sure your ex pays maintenance and make sure you're claiming any benefits you're entitled to for you and your son. Things will get better, you'll move on and be glad you left him Flowers

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/03/2018 22:55

Op,make sure you’re getting all benefits you’re entitled to
Pursue him for maintenance do not accept an adhoc financial arrangement
Let HV know you’re estranged from him
If he assaults you again report to police,get a CAD number

Gottagetmoving · 20/03/2018 22:57

Life can be hard enough as a mother without having to worry about a partner. If you aren't getting 100% support and feeling loved, then get rid of him. You are a mother and deserve better. Please don't think you need him in your life.

Trilllllian · 20/03/2018 23:04

My god there are some vipers lurking.

OP.

Ignore the nastiness. There are many people on here on your side. Congratulations on your baby.

Any piece of language comes about because of a need.

I think you should depend upon yourself and not upon you baby daddy. None of us know him of course. You and baby and good friends and family are the most important things in your life now. You can do this and you don’t need the support of someone inconsistent and unreliable. He wants to help bring up baby he must contribute and behave like a grown up. Best of luck to you...

Coyoacan · 20/03/2018 23:20

If there was DV, you should definitely not get back together with him. You've done the hardest part which is moving out.

And I am thoroughly disgusted with some of the posters on mumsnet today.

Coyoacan · 20/03/2018 23:29

And I am giving the advice about domestic violence as someone who has experienced it.

Ladybirdbookworm · 20/03/2018 23:33

Have a 're read of what Lipstickhas suggested. You need some support .
Take no notice of the crap that's been posted. Some people on here need to hang their heads in shame.
Don't give up on mumsnet though - there has been some good advice on this thread. Flowers

Ladybirdbookworm · 20/03/2018 23:39

I've just popped back to say that there's a thread going at the moment that's pulling up the OP for using the term 'Hubby'
Seriously the crap that people get arsey over

Decisionsohdecisions · 20/03/2018 23:45

Well, could you ever imagine in your wildest dreams, that when someone reached out for support, you would stick the boot in and take the mick. Simply because of some regional/dialect/cultural term (that is perfectly understandable and non offensive) they used?
Ouch how mean. You’d have to be a spiteful bitch that’s for sure.

Op yanbu. But you left this man for good reasons. Hold on to that.
I would advise, speaking from bitter experience, that you try not to ‘blur the lines’ either. If you are still having sex the pain remains fresh, sometimes a clean break is less painful.
Just your baby daddy Wink
There will be another man who will treat you better than this Flowers

Wintertime4 · 20/03/2018 23:47

I think you need some outside help to get you through this.

It’s awful having a child and then being left, and then hanging on. It’s awful having to go through DV. I would have thought your Ex sounds like he’s more than capable of playing you.

Contact women’s aid, or a counselling service or your GP - or s local parents group. You need to get stronger and start focusing on your life and your child’s. Try to go no contact with your Ex or as minimal as possible. You need time without him in your head to start to think clearly.

Belphegor · 21/03/2018 00:10

You need to extricate yourself from this man. A relationship with a history of DV is no place for you, or for your child. Please look out for yourself and your baby.

Coyoacan · 21/03/2018 01:03

I think you might benefit from the Freedom Programme, given by Women's Aid.

Having suffered domestic violence I know it is not easy to turn off the love, but that is what you need to do. Reach out for as much help as you can to get you through this. The worst thing you could do is to get back together with this man.

Motoko · 21/03/2018 01:31

Please don't go back to him. If there was DV, you need to protect yourself. I was your age when I had my first baby and left his father during pregnancy after he punched me in the stomach. I made the mistake of taking him back and the DV continued. It took me 6 years before I left him for good.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/03/2018 02:02

You know it's not yours and it's not his, so someone else washed their hair in his bath recently and if he hasn't remembered having any dark long haired relatives/friends staying over, then it's someone he doesn't want you to know about.

But you say you're not together right now. I think you have the right to be annoyed that he is gaslighting you, and it's at least a warning sign that he will happily lie to your face when he's shagging someone, but only you know how out of order it is. Did you instigate the split?

Cupofteaandtoilet · 21/03/2018 08:06

Now you've revealed DV, I must change my advice. Keep well away. Do not be sweet-talked back. A violent home is no place to bring up a child and is no place for you. Be strong, you can get through this Flowers

I agree with this: Op, make sure you’re getting all benefits you’re entitled to. Pursue him for maintenance do not accept an adhoc financial arrangement. Let HV know you’re estranged from him. If he assaults you again report to police, get a CAD number.

Get help from the Citizens Advice Bureau www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

PrettyLittIeThing · 21/03/2018 08:08

If there's DV then I wouldn't be getting back with him if I was you, well unless you want social services to become involved.

ColourfulOrangex · 21/03/2018 10:47

OP if there was DV then it's really not in yours or your babies best interests. There was a reason you split up and if you don't trust him it wouldn't work Thanks

ZoeWashburne · 21/03/2018 10:53

Forget the hair, why would you ever want to get back together with this waste of space?

You need to think about your baby. Someone who will be abusive to you will be abusive to your child.

Good luck.

crashbangwhallop · 21/03/2018 10:55

Agree with PP about getting support from anyone but him.
He is abusive. He is useless and does not provide for your child as well as being financially abusive... you think you love him because he has controlled you long enough to think you do... LTB and do not look back!
You can and will get through this on your own and you will be better off on your own. Trust me.