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AIBU?

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Original poster

Putting ds up for adoption.

123 replies

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:14

I have an 11 month dd who I can barely provide for. I'm very careful with money and it's always been tight since myself and dp moved in together. Bills and a roof over her head and her eating are my priority. I've gone without food myself for my family.
So work screwed me. They kept underpaying me and taking uneccesary things out my paycheck and then over paying me. Not sorting out maternity allowance and I can't claim SMP. Dp lost his job in December and can't get another but in all honesty it doesn't matter as I don't think we will be living together long. He's just here to help with dd now and for ds arrival.
So he sent off for jsa back in January. We've had no money off them for 2 months almost now. He was then told he needs to apply for income allowance. It's taken 2 months for them to sort it out. An because my payslips aren't accurate, the backdated payment isn't enough to even cover the credit card I needed for groceries because my work underpaid me for months. This money was backdated. But again. Bills, TV licence renewal, TV etc. All got in the way.

He's had a phone call from benefits saying he's entitled to something but I can't claim maternity allowance with it.

Ds.
My contraceptive failed. He was not planned and I was still bleeding. I didn't find out til 24 weeks when I went for bloods. I've struggled to bond with him. I've bought it up to Dp about adoption because I want the best for him. I can barely afford to provide for dd never mind ds. I have it in my head that he would be better off being a newborn in a family who were desperate for a baby who had money and stability (I should also add I'm loosing my home) it'd kill me. My heart wouldn't heal and I'd never forgive myself. But I can't help but consider it and it's killing me.
Dp isn't happy. Hes basically told me if I give him up he's taking him and he won't let me do it.

I feel so guilty. I'm due next week and I'm sure when I look at him. I'll be filled with love and joy but I don't know what's best

OP posts:
Bundlesmads · 20/03/2018 18:17

I think you need to discuss your feelings with your midwife.

I have to say if as an adult I found out my mother had given me up because of temporary money issues and kept my sibling without even giving it a go I would be very hurt and angry.

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 18:18

I'm confused is your ds here or not? How have you struggled to bond if he's not born yet?
Speak to your mw / hv about what help is available.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 20/03/2018 18:20

Can you even have him adopted if his biological father wants him? Whilst obviously money worries are awful and seem utterly insermountable at the time, it feels like a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Deshasafraisy · 20/03/2018 18:22

Is temporary fostering an option? Until you sort out your life?

MotherforkingShirtballs · 20/03/2018 18:22

The first thing you need to do is to speak to your MW about how you are feeling and the issues you are facing. She can help you without judgement.

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? Child Tax, Child Benefit, Housing Benefit, Council Tax benefit? Make an appointment with citizens Advice to check and to get help with the benefits errors at DWP.

Things sound unimaginably hard for you OP but I promise it won't always be this way, you can get through this and come out the other side Flowers

Sunnyjac · 20/03/2018 18:23

Citizens advice, I have no ideas but they will be able to advise you and I think advocate on your behalf with the dwp. Good luck

QuiteLikely5 · 20/03/2018 18:24

You need to use the turn 2 us calculator to see what you are entitled to - then apply for it

Consider quitting your job id rather claim benefits than not know what I had coming in every month, esp considering food is such a problem

Go to food banks

Tell the MW how skint you are, they have access to vouchers etc

cockupparent · 20/03/2018 18:25

Cold hard facts

You cannot put your DS up for adoption against the bio fathers wishes. You can relinquish all PR to your DP if you wish but you will be depriving your DS of a mother and DP of his partner and DD of your partner too

If you in theory could give your DS up for adoption you would not be giving him to the waltons... what would happen is they'd find him foster care and then from there look for adoptive parents - months or in some cases years out of his life he could have been part of his bio family

What you need to do is admit how to you're feeling to your midwife and if necessary an admission to a mum and baby unit might be useful to explore depending on how unwell you are/aren't

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:25

That's what dp said. It'd be awful if he found us 20 years later and wondered why we didn't want him. I'm just thinking of what's best :( I really feel stuck now as I'm literally going without myself for dd because the bills are horrendous. His backdated pay should have been almost 2,000 but because work screwed me. We are only getting £50 backdated for 3 months. That's 3 months of bills and a credit card I still need to pay off with fuck all. Dp is frantically looking for jobs but is having literally no joy now at all. He is due next week. Not here but struggled to bond in pregnancy. I've worried a lot.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 20/03/2018 18:26

Definitely speak to your midwife sweet

What's happening on the housing front?

I can't imagine how incredibly hard this is for you x

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 20/03/2018 18:26

Have you got family who can help ??

We were in a similar situation and moved home, paying my mum rent money. It gave us breathing space and time to build up savings a little. Can't say it was massive fun all being in 1, small room but needs must. It was a hell of a lot less stressful than living of sackfulls of potatoes livened up with sachets of brown sauce swiped from Morrison's cafe.

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/03/2018 18:26

On a practical note, do you have a union/can you join (even if you have to sell something for initial fee). If in the UK, they will be able to assist you in chasing your employer. I'd also email my MP.
But also speak to your midwife ASAP.
It is normal to feel as you do, but this is temporary.
Can you look at returning to work sooner if so can dp do childcare and then looking for a new job?

NSEA · 20/03/2018 18:26

I don’t think you can bond with him yet anyway, so that’s not a reason for adoption.

I also don’t think your employers paying you incorrectly nor the poor benefits system are reason for adoption either.

Please make sure it is 100% what you want to do rather than plucking up strange temporary reasons for this.

FissionChips · 20/03/2018 18:26

Well, if the father doesn’t want adoption I can’t see it ever happening, besides, the kid will most likely end up with attachment issues etc

Speak to your midwife and doctor, you can be helped out of this black hole.Flowers

Namechangetempissue · 20/03/2018 18:28

You can't have him adopted if his biological father wants to care for him. I wouldn't imagine (as long as he is a decent father) this was legally possible, but it would also be incredibly cruel.
Sorry you have found yourself in such a terrible position. Have you spoken with ACAS about your previous employer? I was paid thousands I was owed from a previous employer who wasn't paying me correctly or providing payslips (legal requirement). ACAS were fantastic and handled it all.
Please speak with your midwife tomorrow OP. The very best of luck to you Flowers

Afreshcuppateaplease · 20/03/2018 18:28

You need to get financial advise

Get some of the debts frozen and an affordable plan in place

Go to citizens advice please

You do not have to give up your baby

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:28

That's the thing. My job. I don't know how I can be let go on maternity leave which I'm technically on now. My life would be easier if I wasn't in work unfortunately. I want to work. I want to bring my kids up knowing they should work. I did use the benefit calculator but still it's literally nothing because again, I'm working. I claim child benefit etc but still, with bills barely enough.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 20/03/2018 18:29

m.acas.org.uk

Namechangetempissue · 20/03/2018 18:30

ACAS now. Also StepChange for financial advice.

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:30

I've been through the union. All I got was she was under investigation for underpaying me etc. But I was backdated by head office. Nothing I can do now about it

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 20/03/2018 18:31

m.stepchange.org

Namechangetempissue · 20/03/2018 18:31

You are wrong. There is something you can do. Phone ACAS tomorrow.

Original poster
Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:33

What would they do if I was already backdated? :(

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 20/03/2018 18:34

You might feel totally, totally different when you are looking at a real baby rather than a hypothetical one.

I also agree that I think it's impossible to have your child adopted against your partner's wishes. Not only that but, if trying to do so caused your partner to leave you, I suspect he would have a very good case for claiming custody of your daughter too.

I appreciate that you feel there is no way out right now. But if you can bring yourself to (metaphorically) shout long and loud enough at the right people, there will be help out there to avoid such a drastic step.

waterrat · 20/03/2018 18:35

OP you need to speak to a midwife or your GP or someone trusted - and explain that you and your daughter are struggling for food. You will be an absolute priority for help.

Are you planning on breastfeeding? It's free - even if it is a struggle to get going that would mean your baby needs nothing for several months that you can't provide for free.

YOur local sure start will help with formula if not - and baby clothes (ours does)

Temporary financial problems are not a reason to give up a child - it will barely cost anything at first -

Get help sorting your maternity pay first of all - and once your partner is earning it obviously will be relevant because he will presumably help support all of you?

If you would be better off not working - do you like your job??