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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Putting ds up for adoption.

123 replies

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:14

I have an 11 month dd who I can barely provide for. I'm very careful with money and it's always been tight since myself and dp moved in together. Bills and a roof over her head and her eating are my priority. I've gone without food myself for my family.
So work screwed me. They kept underpaying me and taking uneccesary things out my paycheck and then over paying me. Not sorting out maternity allowance and I can't claim SMP. Dp lost his job in December and can't get another but in all honesty it doesn't matter as I don't think we will be living together long. He's just here to help with dd now and for ds arrival.
So he sent off for jsa back in January. We've had no money off them for 2 months almost now. He was then told he needs to apply for income allowance. It's taken 2 months for them to sort it out. An because my payslips aren't accurate, the backdated payment isn't enough to even cover the credit card I needed for groceries because my work underpaid me for months. This money was backdated. But again. Bills, TV licence renewal, TV etc. All got in the way.

He's had a phone call from benefits saying he's entitled to something but I can't claim maternity allowance with it.

Ds.
My contraceptive failed. He was not planned and I was still bleeding. I didn't find out til 24 weeks when I went for bloods. I've struggled to bond with him. I've bought it up to Dp about adoption because I want the best for him. I can barely afford to provide for dd never mind ds. I have it in my head that he would be better off being a newborn in a family who were desperate for a baby who had money and stability (I should also add I'm loosing my home) it'd kill me. My heart wouldn't heal and I'd never forgive myself. But I can't help but consider it and it's killing me.
Dp isn't happy. Hes basically told me if I give him up he's taking him and he won't let me do it.

I feel so guilty. I'm due next week and I'm sure when I look at him. I'll be filled with love and joy but I don't know what's best

OP posts:

sall74 · 20/03/2018 18:36

You're obviously doing something very wrong, either massively overspending, or not claiming everything you're entitled to, child related benefits in this country are ridiculously generous, hence why so many people choose to have kids when they're in no financial position to support them.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:36

I did got to citizens advice last week and they weren't much help at all. I'd get a tiny bit of housing benefit but that's it. We are going on the council soon as it's my dad's house and he needs it sold due to being in debt himself. This was temporary. Maybe then I can get some more help.

OP posts:

Orangettes · 20/03/2018 18:38

You sound like you have prenatal depression - my sister had this when her dh tricked her into pregnancy, she needed therapy as she really did not want the baby, but she did manage to bond with him and it has worked out. You need to talk to your midwife, you need help.

Sarahplane · 20/03/2018 18:38

It sounds like you're incredibly stressed and at the end of your tether. This is a big decision to be making when you're stressed, hormonal and feeling like everything is against you. There is help our there to sort this out.

Where do you live op? This might affect what support there is available. Do you have family? Are you privately renting or housing association or council?

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:41

I'd love to be over spending. Last time I bought anything for myself was before my daughter was conceived. That was luxury anyway. My cat peed all over my shoes the other day and I can't afford any more. I hate it. I am going to try breastfeeding again. I have a huge hormonal imbalance which made it so difficult with dd but im really going to try again. I lasted 5 weeks with dd and she wasn't getting enough. I'll go back to citizens advice it's all I can think of now

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 20/03/2018 18:41

His backdated pay should have been almost 2,000 but because work screwed me. We are only getting £50 backdated for 3 months

I don't understand this part....

BackBoiler · 20/03/2018 18:41

You can always get your debt consolidated e.g. IVA and apply for benefits. You can sort the money situation, ask your midwife where the nearest support is for things like this and you will be pointed in the right direction.

I think the first thing you need to do is sort your incomings and find out where you can stay when you lose your home. A roof over your head and food in your bellies is the first step before you think about DS's arrival.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 20/03/2018 18:42

sall74, sorry to be so blunt but you're talking shite. It is very easy to struggle on child related benefits, on any benefits, especially when your claim gets messed up by the agencies supposed to be processing it.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:44

I have family. I'd love to move back in with my mom but she doesn't have room and I'd love to help her out. I rent from my dad with money problems and debts over 50 grand. I'm going on the council as soon as ds is born and hoping to get somewhere closer to my mom. But because he's my dad I won't get much help apparently according to CAB

OP posts:

Dipitydoda · 20/03/2018 18:45

Speak to your midwife first. If you and DP split up and live seperately as it sounds like you intend you might get additional help. Get rid of your tv so you don’t have to pay licence fee. That will save you £12 per month. Taken with child beNefit that would be another £60 per month. Are there any other things you could do without eg data allowance on phone? Get someone to help you with a budget, it’s often easier for a third party to help prioritise expenditure. Speak to someone at social services to see if they can put you in touch with any local charities that provide clothing for children, we have several round here. Presumably you still have some of your DDs clothes. Don’t worry about colour so long as DS is warm. Did you manage BF with your DD?Can you speak with social services or your midwife about temporary fostering if you really can’t cope. Please try and get RL help you sound like you’re in a desperate pickle at the moment, but it’s nothing that can’t be improved.

LuckyAmy1986 · 20/03/2018 18:45

I understand pets are family but I don't think keeping the cat is what is best for you at the moment?

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 18:46

Have your work given you everything they owe you? If not then tomorrow morning, go in, get the number for HR and do not get off the phone until you've got your wages. Go to your MP if you have no union to help you - they might do nothing but sometimes it's your only option.

What happened with maternity pay? You should get SMP. If you're not entitled then you will be entitled to maternity allowance; get the form, send your pay slips and a letter from your employer confirming you are not getting SMP.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:46

Basically work has underpaid me then overpaid me and apparently the hours and days I've worked have effected his benefits. So because of this over 3 months of waiting now he gets £50 backdated.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 20/03/2018 18:46

Has your DP been to CAB to sort out his JSA because 2 months with no income is ridiculous. Is he eligible for an emergency loan?

MaverickSnoopy · 20/03/2018 18:46

Forgive me, I'm a bit lost. Are you owed money from work or not? If so then write down everything you should have been paid (gross) as a statement (itemised by month) and then list everything you have been paid (gross) and work out what you are owed. Then use it to raise a grievance to HR. As part of your grievance ask them for a formal statement stating what you should have been paid each month and summing up what you have now been paid and you can use this in lieu of any payslips that you need to use as proof.

Talk to your midwife and ask for help. You are in no emotional position to do this alone. Obviously you could but it will be far better for you to seek support.

You need to believe that this is just a snapshot in your very long life and one day things will be very different. You would always regret giving your DS up for adoption, especially when you do resolve your financial difficulties.

manicinsomniac · 20/03/2018 18:47

Could your mum or anybody else take your cat for a while? It wouldn't take up any space but would free up some money for you.

rocketgirl22 · 20/03/2018 18:47

I am not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed when you are struggling to feed your dd, but there are many things you can do:

tell youe midwife

Talk to your Gp
Food banks for food and clothes and charity shops ( tell them what you have told us and ask if there is anything to spare)

Work out if it is viable to continue to work or whether you are better off with benefits and a house.

It will be okay once you are sorted out. Is there anyone who can help you?

Baileyscheesecake · 20/03/2018 18:47

Do you get housing benefit and or council tax support? If not citizens advice should be able to tell you if you are entitled to them. If you do get them ask about discretionary payments. These are assessed on an individual basis - you will have to submit income and expenditure details but citizens advice should be able to help you fill in the forms. I work for a local district council and we pay discretionary payments (DDF) to people who get council tax support and also discretionary housing payments (DHP) to people getting Housing Benefit. Different local authorities have different systems so find out what's available in your area. Have you spoken to the Money Advice Service? Wishing you well.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:48

I'm trying to rehome my cat. She's my brothers who committed suicide and none of my family want her. I'm struggling with her because she's old and no one wants an old cat. But then I have backlash of "she comes with the house"

OP posts:

lifechangesforever · 20/03/2018 18:48

It doesn't sound like you understand how to work out financial commitments or how to access what you need.

If you and your partner aren't in work (and you are not in work, you're on maternity leave and if nothing else, entitled to government maternity pay? www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance) then there is lots of help available to you.

You need to make an appointment with CAB and ask them to sit down with you and work through everything you're entitled to and to apply for them there and then with an advisor.
Also make an appointment with your midwife ASAP and tell her EVERYTHING. They will know what steps to take next to help you with how you're feeling.

DairyisClosed · 20/03/2018 18:49

In your position I would be thinking the same thing. It is not something that you should be ashamed of-you clearly want what is best for your children. If I found out today that I had been adopted as a baby I wouldn't be upset. I would be incredibly grateful to my birth mother whoever she was. I know that mothers give children up for adoption because they want them to have a better life and not because they don't love them. I will echo others on this thread when I tell you to speak to your midwife and also find a way to speak to your DP. Would he be willing to take sole custody if you gave up your rights or would he change his tune if he were the one looking after him? You should also find out as much as you can about the adoption process and maybe consider alternatives-do you have any relatives that could take the baby in for example? You are putting your baby first and that is the most important thing. Don't let people put you down for it. Whatever choice you make in the end you will be an amazing mother I think.

oohyoudevilyou · 20/03/2018 18:50

Where (approx) do you live, OP? There are lots of local organisations that can help, as well as the bigger national ones. Don't get in touch with anyone about fostering or adoption - your problems are almost entirely financial and though they seem insurmountable right now, there are things that can be done. Putting your baby in care is for much more serious things. x

GabsAlot · 20/03/2018 18:50

sorry are u the op with the abusive dp that sits and plays games all day and told u to get out so he could have some me time

if it is youve been advised several times before but it never comes to anything u stop posting for a while then come back under a diferent name

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 18:53

Take the cat to a bloody shelter. The cats the least of your worries.

If you're going to split up with your patter then do it now, get your dad to give you notice and declare yourself homeless and a single parent. This is preferable to giving a child up for adoption.

Snowysky20009 · 20/03/2018 18:54

I remember now. You've posted before about this, and were told to get out of your fathers home. Firstly because of his debts which means you could lose the home at any moment and secondly because you will not get full housing benefit as you are renting off your father. Am I correct?

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