Putting ds up for adoption.

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I have an 11 month dd who I can barely provide for. I'm very careful with money and it's always been tight since myself and dp moved in together. Bills and a roof over her head and her eating are my priority. I've gone without food myself for my family.
So work screwed me. They kept underpaying me and taking uneccesary things out my paycheck and then over paying me. Not sorting out maternity allowance and I can't claim SMP. Dp lost his job in December and can't get another but in all honesty it doesn't matter as I don't think we will be living together long. He's just here to help with dd now and for ds arrival.
So he sent off for jsa back in January. We've had no money off them for 2 months almost now. He was then told he needs to apply for income allowance. It's taken 2 months for them to sort it out. An because my payslips aren't accurate, the backdated payment isn't enough to even cover the credit card I needed for groceries because my work underpaid me for months. This money was backdated. But again. Bills, TV licence renewal, TV etc. All got in the way.

He's had a phone call from benefits saying he's entitled to something but I can't claim maternity allowance with it.

Ds.
My contraceptive failed. He was not planned and I was still bleeding. I didn't find out til 24 weeks when I went for bloods. I've struggled to bond with him. I've bought it up to Dp about adoption because I want the best for him. I can barely afford to provide for dd never mind ds. I have it in my head that he would be better off being a newborn in a family who were desperate for a baby who had money and stability (I should also add I'm loosing my home) it'd kill me. My heart wouldn't heal and I'd never forgive myself. But I can't help but consider it and it's killing me.
Dp isn't happy. Hes basically told me if I give him up he's taking him and he won't let me do it.

I feel so guilty. I'm due next week and I'm sure when I look at him. I'll be filled with love and joy but I don't know what's best

Partner *

OP you sound so stressed and I completely understand why you do. Anyone would. And perhaps in the moment a crazy thought of adoption relieved a little anxiety but you know this isn't what you want. And even if you did you'd still be in the same situation. An expected newborn just heightens the stress of your situation.

You said "My life would be easier if I wasn't in work unfortunately. I want to work. I want to bring my kids up knowing they should work." but if this will actually make things easier then you should not work. At least for now. You not working will have no impact on your childrens outlook on working because they are so small! So if this is a reason for you continue to work then you need to banish this thought.

So the maternity and SMP? Why are you not receiving this?

Hi OP, we're so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time

We just wanted to remind everybody that we always ask everyone to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope things start looking up for you soon and that you can get more support.

If you have a proper rental agreement with your father and he doesn't live there then you are still entitled to housing benefit

Sorry - only just saw that you rent from your dad. Get him to give you a section 21 eviction notice so that when you sign on the housing register for social housing they will put you as a priority as you are being evicted. He will have to take you to court to get you formally evicted which will cost him £395 but if he is 50 grand in debt this will be a drop in the ocean to him and will mean your chances of getting social housing will be much higher. Once you no longer rent from your dad you will be entitled to claim housing benefit and things will improve for you financially. Try not to give up your son. As others have said this is a temporary financial situation and likely to improve.

OP, have you considered in the first instance asking your midwife to refer you to social services for some support?

That would also mean if it did end up being a case where you really couldn’t cope ultimately you would be in a good position to move forward with these plans.

*You can get housing benefit if you rent a property from a member of your close family who lives elsewhere.

You can only get housing benefit in this situation if the council treat your tenancy as a commercial one rather than an informal family arrangement.

The council will want to see proof of your tenancy, such as a contract or evidence of rent payments.

The council may also want to see other evidence of a genuine landlord-tenant relationship. They might ask whether your relative took a security deposit or provided you with a gas safety certificate before you moved in.

The council will refuse your housing benefit claim if it believes that your relative would not evict you even if you can't pay the rent.*

Sounds really hard; are you sure you can't get any help from government? A church, charity? Until you and the children father sort out the finances and get a job. Is this really your only alternative?

I am sorry you are in this position. You have been given some good advice ie contact acas, citizens advice and your midwife.

I am not going to bet about the bush here. You have asked for advice, take it or leave it. You must stop feeding a cat if you can’t feed yourself when pregnant. Rehome any pets. Pet food, cat litter etc is unnecessary expenditure just now. Tv - ok but if you have Sky TV, cancel it - you can live without it. Make a list of your outgoings and get someone to help you to prioritise. There is a section on mumsnet to look at. When you feel overwhelmed as you do you should not make major decisions. You have started the ball rolling in the right direction by asking for advice. Now TAKE IT. Make your own luck better. You can. ☀️

I think you will majorly regret it if you give your baby up. I couldn't have done it. If your dad legally evicts you then the council will have to give you some kind of accommodation because you have kids.

I'm just going off what citizens advice told me in all honesty. I had it written down from them last week my entitlements and it still not enough. I am trying to get out of this house ASAP as he's born. I have a week to go with him so he can come anytime now. Id rather get the labour out the way and then go. I'm trying to rehome the cat. I'm off to cats protection tomorrow to try and have her rehomed. My mom however has given me so many boxes of cat food because her cat was put down a few months ago and she stocked up so no money is going on the cat at the moment thankfully. I have lots of hand-me-downs from DP's friend who's had a little boy recently so he's taken care of. Just I can't see a way out right now of this. Looking at a pp.. I'm worried if I was let go would I be able to get another job in future or would it hinder things? Would it be easy to be let go whilst on maternity leave? I hate my job. But I'm unsure how benefits would take it also. I've never been put in this situation before and I'm not sure who to go to. I can't claim SMP due to being on mat leave with the lower rate smp with dd. An because the last few weeks I'd returned to work, HR underpaid me so I don't technically qualify for SMP. To claim MA we would be worse off as because we are a family, dp would have the x amount from MA taken away from him in his claim. It's one of the other and at the moment his claim is more money. We can't claim together.

My contraceptive failed. He was not planned and I was still bleeding

I had to make a very similar decision 7 years ago.
I couldn't go through with it.
I felt like it was incredibly selfish of me to keep him when someone else could offer him more than I ever could.
Seven years later (and a lot of hard work) we are doing great.
Things will get better.
You can get through this.

Yes by the way. Long story with dp. I kicked him out cause he's basically a leech but I'm struggling and have no other help really from anyone in terms of my health and looking after dd. So he's with me here basically being primary carer of her. (two auto immune diseases and sciatica which has flared up hugely) an he's taking care of housework and getting things prepared and for the birth. Thankfully he's got a lot better from what he was like the past couple of weeks. But like I say, we won't be together after he's born. No exactly dp. But I don't know the abbreviation here for my kids dad. It's easier to say dp. Right now he's just helping me out with dd and incase I go into labour or need any help essentially.

MA is £140 or £30 why would you be worse if off ?

sall74 you are wrong. Have you been reading the daily mail? Benefits are not generous and the current system is not fit for purpose.

Your midwife has a duty of care for you and your child(ren). You need to speak with her and she should seek support for you.
Also they should not discharge you from hospital unless you're able to provide for your children.
You must let your midwife know.

Ahh yes @Sall74 it's so worth having kids for that sweet money - 2 kids max for benefits £117 tax credits and £34 child benefit. Guess I best be booking my next cruise on that.
It barely pays for their clothes and food for fucks sake!

Oh sweetheart
Firstly all of your debts - ring them, give them the details of what’s coming in and going out and offer £1 a month each.
Take the cat to a shelter.
Go to your local council and explain you’re homeless and need emergency accommodation.
Put in an application for income support and make sure you’re getting child tax credits etc

We cannot claim together as we are a family technically and at the moment I'm relying on DP's claim money as he will get more in benefits than I will on MA. We cannot get both. It's one or the other.

forever, just read some of your other posts. You need to talk to your midwife. You’re not in a good way. OH doesn’t sound like a bad guy and it seems like he’s doing his best to support your during a really tough time.

You’ve had quite a bit of trauma and it sounds like you need support.

Surely you should move in with your mum, there can't be "not enough room", you sleep on the sofa if necessary but at least you have food and shelter xx

Sorry not read the thread but i'd get to the doctor's surgery, get signed off with stress (depression?). Sack work off as it's blinding you to the right thing to do. Apply for ESA (It isn't impossible to get if you are genuinely ill). Just stay home and chill and get your head straight. Get DP to apply the fuck out of jobs and seek Citizens Advice re debt and the forseeable future (Health Visitor will give foodbank vouchers). You will be entitled to Healthy Start vouchers for DD then DS once born. Once the immediate stress and upset has calmed perhaps you and DP will feel in a position to look positively upon your future as a four person family.
Don't let this stress hospitalise you or push you to the edge OP. There is help there and between HV and Citizens Advice you will be ok. I was in a dimilarly hellish position (not considering adoption) but under the care of the Crisis Team and having to lie to them that i wasn't very tempted to jump off the local suicide spot such was the horrible mess of a situation i was in, zero cash, very ill, domestic violence. 5 years later life is good and i am so glad i hung in there. Once you get your heads above water again and DS is here you can study, retrain, get another job, but from my experience it is best to accept help and rebuild for all of your sakes, one step at a time. Sorry if this is garbled but it is quite an emotive topic to me

He isn't a bad guy. Just a bit lost and useless himself. He didn't have the best start in life and can't see a way out of depression. But he's a bit insentive at times. But it won't work between us. He's just supporting me now while he can see I need it for once

I am sure your mother would prefer that you live with her rather than lose a child!