Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Putting ds up for adoption.

123 replies

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 18:14

I have an 11 month dd who I can barely provide for. I'm very careful with money and it's always been tight since myself and dp moved in together. Bills and a roof over her head and her eating are my priority. I've gone without food myself for my family.
So work screwed me. They kept underpaying me and taking uneccesary things out my paycheck and then over paying me. Not sorting out maternity allowance and I can't claim SMP. Dp lost his job in December and can't get another but in all honesty it doesn't matter as I don't think we will be living together long. He's just here to help with dd now and for ds arrival.
So he sent off for jsa back in January. We've had no money off them for 2 months almost now. He was then told he needs to apply for income allowance. It's taken 2 months for them to sort it out. An because my payslips aren't accurate, the backdated payment isn't enough to even cover the credit card I needed for groceries because my work underpaid me for months. This money was backdated. But again. Bills, TV licence renewal, TV etc. All got in the way.

He's had a phone call from benefits saying he's entitled to something but I can't claim maternity allowance with it.

Ds.
My contraceptive failed. He was not planned and I was still bleeding. I didn't find out til 24 weeks when I went for bloods. I've struggled to bond with him. I've bought it up to Dp about adoption because I want the best for him. I can barely afford to provide for dd never mind ds. I have it in my head that he would be better off being a newborn in a family who were desperate for a baby who had money and stability (I should also add I'm loosing my home) it'd kill me. My heart wouldn't heal and I'd never forgive myself. But I can't help but consider it and it's killing me.
Dp isn't happy. Hes basically told me if I give him up he's taking him and he won't let me do it.

I feel so guilty. I'm due next week and I'm sure when I look at him. I'll be filled with love and joy but I don't know what's best

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 20/03/2018 19:46

is this not the bl;oke who invited loads of mates over whilst your were out and plays on his playstation all day?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/03/2018 19:57

You were posting last week re marriage and travel so something doesn't add up.

If it's real, they won't let a baby go for adoption if one parent wants them. You can return to work after two weeks of birth if things are that bad or he could temp with an agency very quickly.

darkriver198868 · 20/03/2018 20:08

Birth parent here: OP you wont be just able to give a child up like that. Both parents have to give consent except in child protection situations. I think you need to decide whats important here. You need to talk to someone who is a professional and can give you the correct advice.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 20:13

I was. But only as things seemed to get better and he mentioned it. Further along the thread I realised that him speaking re marriage etc when we thought everything was going to be fine was him stringing me on and getting my hopes up. He's here now only to help me. That's it. There's no romantic relationship here. Just his money is more than mine for me to keep this roof over my head and for him to help me with dd whilst I'm crippled with RA and sciatica and for ds birth. That's it.

OP posts:

Caterpillarx1 · 20/03/2018 20:16

Please explain all of this to your midwife & citizens advice. Do you not have any family or anyone who could help?

rosenylund · 20/03/2018 20:42

Can you tell us which local authority you are in - which county, it can help with giving you the different services you can access

wildblueberryjam · 20/03/2018 20:48

OP, this is absolutely heartbreaking and it's a truly awful, awful situation for you to be in. Sending you very big hugs (not that it will help, but honestly everyone is here for you emotionally).

You can do this! Once you see your little boy you will feel all the love for him and I am sure you can work it out, one way or another. As one poster said, who knows how much better things will be in a couple of years. The first few months of their life are not too expensive, especially as you have been given clothes. You have time to sort out alternatives re backpay and benefits etc.
Can your family help at all with bills? Just in the meantime? Can your mother not take the cat on until he is rehomed? Seems like a lot for you to be dealing with on top of everything right now!
Do not feel bad or guilty for considering what you are - you are just trying to do the right thing and be the best mother. It's a heartbreaking thing to have to consider, but I think you will be alright in the end.
Is there anything you can sell in the meantime to raise funds? TV? Car? Excess clothes? Just to take some financial pressure off?

Wishing you all the best xx

Family121 · 20/03/2018 20:58

Make a few phone calls to see where you stand, see if citizen advice can help you with your credit cards.

Giving up your baby is a decision only you and your partner can make, no one can really give you advice on that what you should do. My heart goes out to you.

Speak to income support tell them your wage slips are not correct and provide evidence of errors work made. Demand work provide you with the correct play slips. Ask them to correct the error so the correct money is paid to you and re hand in your slips, tell your employee that if they don't do this you will have to call Call HMRC and see what's being reported to them, as it could be t's classed a fraud. because of this your work place has put extreme pressure on you.

Have you also looked in to applying for Sure Start Maternity Grant it's a £500 grant to help with costs.

LynetteScavo · 20/03/2018 21:16

OK, so the babies father is with you now to support you financially, and I'd hope practically...that's something, even if you're not together forever.

Realistically giving up your baby for adoption probably isn't the right decision long term....you feel desperate now, and obviously want the best for your DS. And it's good to "think outside the box" but I'm not convinced adoption is the best long term solution here.

PersianCatLady · 20/03/2018 21:20

I think you have been given bad information about benefits as there is no such thing as Income Allowance

NambiBambi · 20/03/2018 21:21

Can you try CAP? Christians against poverty. They can help you manage debt by speaking on your behalf and giving advice. Worth a try anyway. I hope it works out for you OP.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:21

Would they be able to correct my payslips? I want to leave work because of this. Because of this I get hardly anything in backdated payment for DP's claim and we've been without for months. Only to get £50. It's unfair being as though I've been on my credit card because my HR manager can't do her job properly.

Can I ask.. I'm on mat leave until December. But I've had a think after reading your comments. How can I get out? How do I get let go and still able to claim? I was thinking about getting a full time 50 hour a week job 2 weeks after ds is born. But it'd be easier for a while if work just let me go and I would be better off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:22

Jsa income support then? I don't know. It isnt my claim and its in DP's hands.

OP posts:

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:24

Also If I'm not getting SMP from my employer can I just leave without having to pay it back? Hr manager said I'd have to stay for a few months to pay back maternity :/ but I'm starting to think she's just full of shit and incompetent.

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/03/2018 21:28

You don't have to repay SMP but quitting work when already in dire straits is madness. If need be, you have a job to return to albeit you may have to give notice re change in return date.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:32

It's looking like I'll probably need a job two weeks after ds is born. I'm not going back there after this. I'll do anything to not go back but I need a job soonish. I'm not getting MA or SMP so I'm getting nothing at all.

OP posts:

mishfish · 20/03/2018 21:36

If I was in your shoes OP I would

ask DP to leave (does he have anywhere he can go for a while?)
get Dad to give notice of eviction
speak to midwife
speak to Dr
speak to social services
speak to ACAS/citizens advise again
work out how much is owed by work
quit job

I think you need to claim as a single unemployed mum for a while, get income and accommodation sorted, then work on relationship with DP.

I don’t understand this comment:
“ I want to work. I want to bring my kids up knowing they should work”

When you’re considering giving your son up, as you’re in such dire financial situation where your employers are making it worse for you?!

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 21:37

SMP isn't required to be repaid.

How are you going to establish breastfeeding if you go back to work 2 weeks after ds is born? Will any nurseries or childminders even take a 2 week old? Weigh up the costs of formula & childcare against working (plus commute costs) instead of making a rash decision.

Sit and write down all of your income and outgoings and work some things out. People here will help you with that.

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 21:39

@mishfish if the op quits her job she'll be entitled to diddly squat.

mishfish · 20/03/2018 21:39

If you’re in receipt of SMP you can quit your job and you do not have to pay anything back. I’d you are receiving enhanced maternity pay then you may need to go back for a certain period. SMP is the legal minimum under certain conditions, enhanced is more than the legal minimum that your employer offers as a perk.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:42

My mom would look after dc. She works for herself but has already said she would look after them as would their dad. I'm just thinking of ways to provide properly. At the moment a stable home and warmth is a bit better than me breastfeeding with nothing

OP posts:

gubbygubby · 20/03/2018 21:43

This is not meant to be Goady ,or flippant , but I’m genuinely wondering and hoping that it might give you some hope.
Our primary school has a real mix and there are a lot of families on Benefits that have 3/4 kids.
We all hang out at the park after school and I know for a fact that there is no dad helping with bills. They manage and post FB pics of pressies for birthdays and clothes and I always wonder how they do it ( not scathingly , I have 4 too but we both work and I’m amazed . ) it is possible,but the uncertainty that you have would be gone if you just claim instead of work .
From what I can see , the difference is that you have worked and been screwed over . They have not. ( nothing wrong with that BTW)
I would just stop working , go bankrupt anything and keep your precious baby .
It’s only money . If I had space I would put you up . I’m adopted and if it really really is only money then you have to find s way to keep the baby if that’s what you want

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:43

Okay, so If I'm getting nothing from them I can quit and get a new job with a better contract? That's good to know, thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 21:47

I see lots of that. Dp worked for the last 8 years and because in the last few years he's been on a 0 hour contract, he gets screwed.
An because I work Im screwed as £520 a month is enough to support us and two children with no problems so they see it. It doesn't even cover my rent. It's stupid.
Yet I'm angry the girl I knew from school got knocked up at 16 now lives in a beautiful 1930s council house next to my mom in a lovely area and gets everything paid for her. Her daughter doesn't have a cushy life because she's always off having fake tans and nails done twice a week (so she brags about on Facebook) and she's never worked a day in her life. Yet I'm sat here wondering where the hell I've gone wrong by working :(

OP posts:

mishfish · 20/03/2018 21:48

Even if you’re getting SMP you can quit and not owe them anything. You only need to pay back if it’s enhanced (such as full pay for 6 months, you’d need to pay an element back)

I don’t understand why you’re not entitled to SMP or MA though as by the sound of it you should be.

I would have also thought that you’d be entitled to housing benefit when on SMP/MA. I was when I was on my own with my first, and tax credits and child benefit. Also if you didn’t return to work then after SMP you can roll onto income support (or have the rules changed that much now that even with an infant you don’t get benefits if you quit a job???)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread