To ask my son to move out when he turns 18?

[RibCageEngage]

My eldest son is 19 and is moving out in July. Part of the reason he's doing so is his younger brother who persistently steals off him, nags him for money/e-liquid/bus fare money and breaks his stuff when he has a temper tantrum.

DS2 is 17 and is a nightmare to live with. He's constantly stealing from us meaning we have to hide everything, I can't leave money around or anything that he wants as he'll just take it. I even have to hide the protein bars I buy as he just eats them all. He's not working or in college, he's done nothing since leaving school. He's recently started on what was meant to be a full time traineeship which has become a one morning a week session. This means he's hanging around the house 24/7. It's exhausting. He's constantly nagging for stuff, bus fare money (I bought him a bus card last week and he lost it meaning I'd wasted £15). "What's for dinner?" "What can I have for breakfast?" "What can I have to drink?" "Do you have any e-liquid?" Etc etc ... it's like looking after a toddler.

He had a job at McDonald's and was fired after a month for gross misconduct as he just didn't turn up for shifts.

He goes out on an evening and doesn't come home until gone midnight. He's meant to be home by 11, partly because of his drug usage but also because DH and I both work and we need to get to bed on a night and can't trust him to lock up so end up sitting up waiting for him. I'm exhausted.

He was recently arrested for assault against his brother. Last time we went away we came home to holes in the wall and he'd deliberately thrown a prosecco bottle at the floor damaging the floor tiles DH had just laid.

DH and I argue over him constantly. He doesn't respect us or our house and I desperately want him to live somewhere else. As much as I love him, I feel he's ruining my life. My home is an unhappy and tense one because of him.

WIBU to tell him that once he's 18 he needs to make alternative living arrangements?

And OP hasn't mentioned what drugs her DS is using. Ime rehab is usually as an outpatient in my area, it's not that likely OP's DS would be considered for this anyway if he's just using weed ( although I actually doubt it's just this)
Drugs are part of his life currently, I can see no indication that he would like this to change hence any talk about 'rehab' is pointless.
The only behaviour OP can change is her own

I wouldn’t ever kick my child (however old out) but your situation sounds horrific. I think if he is stealing to fund a drug habit it’s got pretty bad. I’d be looking into rehab

Bless your innocent little heart.

The only issue with rehab even for those that want to get clean is once back on familiar territory is falling back in to familiar habits.

Yes he needs to leave and get clean but alongside he needs to find something, (hobby, career, sport, music, drama) which replaces the drugs. Even if he moves 50+ miles away

I’m sorry if my post seemed glib. It wasn’t meant that way, it was badly worded.

I was trying to suggest that the drug problem is probably the root issue. I don’t know anything about NHS rehab, it sounds like it wouldn’t be the solution.

I do know quite a bit about where young adults end up when they are housed and the hostels are, around here at least, plagued by crime and drugs.

I’m sorry OP. I do hope you are able to find a solution that relieves your stress and worry, and also helps your son. He sounds like he is very unhappy and making you miserable
. A horrible situation.

I have not rtf, YANBU tell him by 18 he is moving out. It will teach him responsibility and respect, he won't have the spare cash for drugs or people to sub money off, You know his personality more than most has he always been careless and irresponsible, if yes then I would make him leave.

If not and all these negative behaviours are more recent I'd opt for rehab if he is taking serious drugs.

It depends on his drug choices.

This may sound mean, but I think it needs to be said.
He didn't just suddenly get this way, it has been years in coming.
Sounds as if you needed professional help with him years ago but were either not able to afford it or were afraid of giving his situation over to someone other. If it keeps up the police WILL take him away from you.
How could he afford drugs if he doesn't work?

I'm in the US so it might be different here. I would insist he join the military IF they will have him. Maybe not due to drug use.
If not find out if there are other groups that offer a military type training to whip the little bugger in shape.

I have had friends who booted out a son like that, within a year, he was in prison. Try the camp first, or maybe a personal trainer. Good god is there no one who he looks up to who would take him in and begin making sense to him?

You have to be brave and act soon or you will lose him to the prison or drugs will kill him.

I don't think military style boot camps work long term. They might work whilst the person is there but as I have said once back on home territory unless he truly wants to it will mean falling back on old habits.

One only has to look at celebrities who spend time in rehab then as soon as they are out fall back into old habits even when they have loads to lose.

Something like joining up might just break the habit as he will be in a different environment for a longer period of time. Although he might end up worse off by getting kicked out. Equally I don't think handing a gun to a drug addict is a good idea.

The army aren’t interested in having angry drug using layabouts in their employment. It’s not been a way of sorting wayward young people out for years, it’s more professional that that

I didn't think they would I was suggesting something like joining up where people are in a completely different surroundings for a year or two to break the habit.

To a certain extent chelley is right. This situation didn't happen over night.