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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my son to move out when he turns 18?

134 replies

RibCageEngage · 20/03/2018 07:53

My eldest son is 19 and is moving out in July. Part of the reason he's doing so is his younger brother who persistently steals off him, nags him for money/e-liquid/bus fare money and breaks his stuff when he has a temper tantrum.

DS2 is 17 and is a nightmare to live with. He's constantly stealing from us meaning we have to hide everything, I can't leave money around or anything that he wants as he'll just take it. I even have to hide the protein bars I buy as he just eats them all. He's not working or in college, he's done nothing since leaving school. He's recently started on what was meant to be a full time traineeship which has become a one morning a week session. This means he's hanging around the house 24/7. It's exhausting. He's constantly nagging for stuff, bus fare money (I bought him a bus card last week and he lost it meaning I'd wasted £15). "What's for dinner?" "What can I have for breakfast?" "What can I have to drink?" "Do you have any e-liquid?" Etc etc ... it's like looking after a toddler.

He had a job at McDonald's and was fired after a month for gross misconduct as he just didn't turn up for shifts.

He goes out on an evening and doesn't come home until gone midnight. He's meant to be home by 11, partly because of his drug usage but also because DH and I both work and we need to get to bed on a night and can't trust him to lock up so end up sitting up waiting for him. I'm exhausted.

He was recently arrested for assault against his brother. Last time we went away we came home to holes in the wall and he'd deliberately thrown a prosecco bottle at the floor damaging the floor tiles DH had just laid.

DH and I argue over him constantly. He doesn't respect us or our house and I desperately want him to live somewhere else. As much as I love him, I feel he's ruining my life. My home is an unhappy and tense one because of him.

WIBU to tell him that once he's 18 he needs to make alternative living arrangements?

OP posts:

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 09:03

Obviously YANBU. Not at all.

Let him know he's moving out at eighteen. That wouldn't be unreasonable even if he was a decent kid and you just wanted to encourage his independence. The way he's acting? If you enable him to remain at your house and keep on like this you're only gonna be helping to harm him more in the long run.

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 09:04

helpconfused How come you and your sister had to abide by the '16 and out' rule but your brother didn't?

namechange2222 · 20/03/2018 09:05

In my area he would be considered estranged from his parents and still technically a child if you asked him to leave before 18. He would then have an assessment ( hopefully) from Childrens services and an interview for a place at a young persons hostel. ( technically he could also be offered foster care but in reality it's highly unlikely) Once offered a place he would be on a waiting list for a few weeks at least. If he was 18 he would still be offered an interview for a place at a hostel, he could then claim benefits in his own right and would be expected to top up the rent for his room with his benefits at around £7-10 per week. In my area the young people seem to lose their placements really quickly as there is zero tolerance for non payment of top up and for using drugs or not abiding by the hostel rules of needing to be there so many nights a week.
I really really feel for you but agree he needs to leave

Mjks6 · 20/03/2018 09:11

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RidingWindhorses · 20/03/2018 09:12

He doesn't need a whole bond for a whole flat, he just needs to find a room in pals sharehouse and find the cash for that. It's amazing how quickly someone can get a job when they need 50 quid a week for rent

This. Being kicked out is often the very thing that sorts people out ime because they have to grow up and stop behaving like a spoilt toddler.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/03/2018 09:15

The trouble with the shared house (and needing £50 a week) is that - they just won't pay.

My eldest DS needed to move to our nearest city for work. We paid his deposit (and yes, you even need one of those for a shared house) and first month's rent and...he stopped bothering to work, waited to be evicted (losing us our deposit in the meantime) and then just came home again.

So simply moving them out and expecting them to have the incentive to stay moved out isn't always that easy.

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 09:17

I had a similar conversation hypothetically speaking with my mom last week. On the topic of kicking kids out at 18..
I think it's incredibly difficult situation. He's a shit bag. Honestly and I can see why you're all so fed up, anyone else would be too.
I'd sit down as a family first personally and tell him if he doesnt clear his act up entirely by the time he turns 18, you're kicking him out. That's his notice period. Until he's 18. I think you need to think in a different perspective also though. What will happen to him once you kick him out? Because it doesn't sound like he has any insentive to clear himself up.

Could you perhaps get anyone to intervene? Does he have mental health problems? Is there something going on in his life you don't know about causing him to act this way?

PickAChew · 20/03/2018 09:20

Nothing pc and pampered about not physically assaulting someone, ffs.

speakout · 20/03/2018 09:25

I think it's easy to say kick him out, but you may feel quite differently when you are a parent of a young adult.
As others say he may end up on the street, turn to crime, or dead in a ditch.
E- liquid??
You shouldn't be giving him any money OP, a roof over his head and food yes- but you are facilitating the bad behaviour.

My oldest is 20, and life for him has been a struggle in the past year or so , not bad behaviour, but depression.
He needed my support- thankfully now seems to be back on track.

It's not easy to give up on a child.

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 09:26

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Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 09:27

OP, I need to ask, do you give into him? As I'm you sound really quite fearful to me anyway.. Do you give in to what he asks for? Because If you do, he knows he can get away with it.
I don't doubt he's a little shit. But I feel more needs to be done on yours and DP's part while he's still under 18. Drugs? He needs help.
Alcohol, he needs help.
I'd report any stealing to the police to teach its wrong and he will suffer those concequences but my concern after reading most of the thread is he's using that money for drugs and action needs to be taken now.
If you kick him out he isn't going to realise that to pay x amount a council will put him in housing for will need to be paid and it'll go on drugs etc.. He will end up homeless on drugs which aren't safe, especially on the streets and I don't know any mother than could cope with that thought. You sound like you care but you just can't see a way out of this situation.
Sit down with him and phone social services for their advice.

SluttyButty · 20/03/2018 09:29

All this talk of batterings and spoilt toddlers , I’m assuming you don’t have a child or have ever had experience of a child in this era with drugs (this doesn’t just happen on ghettoed council estates btw, it happens everywhere).
It’s very easy even with having had a good upbringing to fall into the wrong crowd.

SnorkFavour · 20/03/2018 09:29

Have you contacted social services. If you let them know you are unable to cope with his behaviour now he will be able to access their support before he turns 18. If you wait until he is 18 then he will be homeless and won’t helet support from SS. Good luck

This. If you wait until he's 18 he won't get any help at all.

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2018 09:36

Findingdotty · 20/03/2018 09:39

If he is 17 now, can you get social services involved? I don't know if that would help but others on here might be able to advise you on this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/03/2018 09:39

Limon - he didn't come home. He came back to the local area and sofa surfed among his friends.

We wouldn't allow him to come and live here, although he was welcome as a guest. His behaviour had been too unacceptable. We'd paid his deposit and rent because we were so pleased he seemed to be turning life around (getting a job, etc). He shat all over it, and wasn't welcome to come home and wreck his siblings exam chances with his all night loud music and inviting randoms into the house at all hours.

He's settled now, with his own family, we've largely sorted our differences and he's a good son and father. He's working and providing, and our relationship is good. But he was a proper shitbag from 15-19.

yetmorecrap · 20/03/2018 09:39

My 19 year old went through a period like this when he got involved with a certain crowd, in the end I bribed him with driving lessons to get him out of a mental rut, he then left 6th form which he hated, got a technical apprenticeship , he always had a very good personality and was bright, worked his way up and now has a good job , car and lives in a flat share which he did from just after 18th birthday. He has just had a few months back with us between house shares and to be honest it’s not easy, whilst he is hard working , he still wants that student life, very very messy, , does stuff at strange hours of night like cooking at 11pm etc. I cope with it better than H , who gets really rattled. It has caused arguments as H thinks I am far too soft on him

goose1964 · 20/03/2018 09:42

get a safe (they're reasonably cheap and keep your valuables in that. I'm not sure if I'd want to see my son on the streets either but it is not working for you as things are atm. My first thought was that he sounds like he's on drugs which you mentioned further in your post. Until he's ready to quit you're going to continue in this vein. In the long term iyou;'re enabling him by letting him live at home. Ever heard the saying you've got to be cruel to be kind? I think that my be your only option

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 09:43

Sorry Zaphodsotherhead, I misunderstood your post re him 'coming home'!

I'm glad it all ended well eventually. Do you think that your insistence on setting some boundaries helped him to mature?

I don't blame you at all for not having him in your home, it sounds like you did the best possible thing for all of you!

BougieQueen · 20/03/2018 09:52

I left home when I was 15 due to disputes with my parents at the time (they were being shitty not me tbh and abusive as well). I turned out okay in the end though not an easy road. Kick him out now....he will realise he had a cushy life and will be okay. He needs some grow up juice asap!

lilybetsy · 20/03/2018 09:59

My eldest son was similar to this. I sent him away with "projects abroad" (google it) to a developing country. I bought him a one way ticket, knowing that he would have food and basic board .. but he was on his own in terms of responsibility / managing etc. I paid for a 6 month project (cheap compared to what he would have cost in the UK) ...

He is a different person now .... grew up SO much. It was hard, but I am so glad I did.... Take a look, is this an option ?

www.projects-abroad.co.uk/

immortalmarble · 20/03/2018 10:02

Bless.

SS will do nothing.

Where do plan for him to go?

NobodysChild · 20/03/2018 10:04

Don't give your son anything. He's got a lovely home and food on the table. Any extras have to come from him. Only when life becomes hard, do people seek change. It's sink or swim. Throwing him out isn't really an option. The rules are to change regarding unemployed under 22's and housing benefits. Be strict when laying down house rules. If he causes damage, steals, etc, tell him he has to seek alternate arrangements for that night, as he is not welcome to stay in your home. Hopefully, he will quickly learn that his behaviour won't be tolerated and there are consequences. Also, try talking with him about what career he would be interested in and ask careers if there are any courses he can take to help him gain certificates etc. The princes trust also do courses that help young people gain work experience.
Maybe if he can find a career path that he is interested in, he may change for the better. If he won't take your help and really isn't interested in gaining employment, and continues being disruptive and abusive, then it's time to issue an ultimatum regarding leaving the family home. It has to be tough love or nothing will ever change.

immortalmarble · 20/03/2018 10:06

And he will politely say, ‘certainly, Mummy. I shall see if Silky and Moon Face have a bed in the Faraway Tree for me?’

Agpie · 20/03/2018 10:06

So many people say "But what if he ends up in the gutter or dead?".

After 10 years of living hell, I really couldn't have cared less, I just needed some peace in my life. No contact for years now from my DS, it's bliss, there's still the odd occasion when I panic because someone knocks unexpectedly, but the ability to live without dread is so precious.

By the way OP, your son didn't lose his travel pass, he exchanged it for drugs.

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