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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son to move out when he turns 18?

134 replies

RibCageEngage · 20/03/2018 07:53

My eldest son is 19 and is moving out in July. Part of the reason he's doing so is his younger brother who persistently steals off him, nags him for money/e-liquid/bus fare money and breaks his stuff when he has a temper tantrum.

DS2 is 17 and is a nightmare to live with. He's constantly stealing from us meaning we have to hide everything, I can't leave money around or anything that he wants as he'll just take it. I even have to hide the protein bars I buy as he just eats them all. He's not working or in college, he's done nothing since leaving school. He's recently started on what was meant to be a full time traineeship which has become a one morning a week session. This means he's hanging around the house 24/7. It's exhausting. He's constantly nagging for stuff, bus fare money (I bought him a bus card last week and he lost it meaning I'd wasted £15). "What's for dinner?" "What can I have for breakfast?" "What can I have to drink?" "Do you have any e-liquid?" Etc etc ... it's like looking after a toddler.

He had a job at McDonald's and was fired after a month for gross misconduct as he just didn't turn up for shifts.

He goes out on an evening and doesn't come home until gone midnight. He's meant to be home by 11, partly because of his drug usage but also because DH and I both work and we need to get to bed on a night and can't trust him to lock up so end up sitting up waiting for him. I'm exhausted.

He was recently arrested for assault against his brother. Last time we went away we came home to holes in the wall and he'd deliberately thrown a prosecco bottle at the floor damaging the floor tiles DH had just laid.

DH and I argue over him constantly. He doesn't respect us or our house and I desperately want him to live somewhere else. As much as I love him, I feel he's ruining my life. My home is an unhappy and tense one because of him.

WIBU to tell him that once he's 18 he needs to make alternative living arrangements?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/03/2018 13:58

Such an awful situation OP and very difficult to know what to do for the best.

A very close friend is going through a similar thing with her DS and she's a shadow of her former self, it's heartbreaking to see. It has a massive impact on the whole family. She's trying desperately to detach but it's impossible while he is living there and being so foul/aggressive/violent.

Pisses me off when I see people say 'step up' or 'about time you parented him properly' - both on here with these threads - and in real life - people I thought were great friends of hers have said to me "oh well they were far too soft with him when he was young". Utter bollocks. It could happen to any of us - how come the rest of her kids are lovely? How come the OPs elder son has turned out ok? It's just not as black and white as that!

Not much help OP, but I hope you managed to get help and life improves - I know DH and I would be divorced in a similar situation - I just know from discussing my friends problems with him, how very differently we would react.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 20/03/2018 14:01

i wasn't the biggest 17 year-old, but if anyone had locked me in the bathroom i'm fairly certain i'd have been able to get out pretty easily.

what a pointlessly condescending comment.

OP - you have my most heartfelt sympathy. i can only imagine what you're trying to deal with.

i agree with others, that he sounds like he needs a proper jolt - a meaningful consequence that forces him to reassess things. making him leave is probably the right thing to do.

much more easily said than done though, i'm sure.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2018 14:24

Yeh the locking in the bathroom comment gave me an eye roll as well. Unless the door and window is lead lines, that’s hardly going to stop a drug addict. It’s the sort of thing that people say when they have no idea what it’s like to face an out of control young, fit adult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2018 14:25

Lined not lines....

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 15:20

I feel like it's kinda cold to kick him out. Just spoke to dp about this and he basically said if our children were on drugs, we would lock them into the bathroom and full on cold turkey them and get them the proper help they need.

You are very, very naive.

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 16:41

Oh my god typical mumsnet. Attacked for what was a comment to help instead of kicking him out. He's her son! And bathrooms can have locks for 24 hours. Jesus. Proper help in terms of specialists who rehabilitate him instead of him going more off the fucking rails. I would cold turkey my kids. It's better I tried to get it out their system then just let it happen which is happening here. He's 17. She still has full responsibility.

Forevertired19 · 20/03/2018 16:43

I do know what it's like to face a fit out of control young adult. An it's not to kick them out when they probably guidence and a slap in the teeth. She is the authority figure here and so is her dp. The above comments of her needing to take action rather than wash her hands of him are right. But like I've said before she needs the support behind her.

Jessikita · 20/03/2018 17:12

I’d kick him out now, assuming you’ve tried absolutely everything else.

Snowmagedon · 20/03/2018 17:26

Did he just turn into this how did he get liked this? Why is he behaving like this.

Perhaps deeper physiological help is needed...

llangennith · 20/03/2018 17:30

Kick him out ASAP.
To all those asking how OP would feel if he was homeless or sofa surfing, if he’s behaved so badly that OP wants to kick him out I think she’d have no regrets at all. He’s brought it on himself and he’ll survive being homeless.

LimonViola · 20/03/2018 17:36

Oh my god typical mumsnet. Attacked for what was a comment to help instead of kicking him out. He's her son! And bathrooms can have locks for 24 hours. Jesus. Proper help in terms of specialists who rehabilitate him instead of him going more off the fucking rails. I would cold turkey my kids. It's better I tried to get it out their system then just let it happen which is happening here. He's 17. She still has full responsibility.

If you think 24 hours is enough time to withdraw from most addictive drugs, and that people who aren't ready to quit using can be magically pushed into doing so successfully by their family, you are extremely naive.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/03/2018 17:37

Forever - you do realise that unless someone wants to give up drugs and has the motivation to do so, forcing their body to undergo withdrawal will do nothing whatsoever? They will go out and start taking the drugs again at the first opportunity. That's why addicts have to seek out help themselves.

You can lead a horse to water, and all that. And even 'getting them help' afterwards will only work if they wish to engage with it. All locking them in the bathroom will do is to mean you can't use your toilet for the enraged addict ripping out the fittings.

LakieLady · 20/03/2018 17:59

I would kick him out ow, I'm afraid. You shouldn't have to put up with his abusive behaviour.

Young people who are estranged from their parents are entitled to claim benefits. In many (most?) areas there are accommodation schemes, often run by the Salvation Army or YMCA, that specialise in working with troubled young people. They generally have their own en-suite room, and share kitchen facilities. They have a key worker who works with them to address their issues and teach them life skills etc.

The 3 such schemes I am familiar with achieve amazing results and have been the making of many young people. The referral route is through the council's housing department.

If you write him a letter saying he has a month's notice and then will have to leave, and he takes it to the council, they will hopefully refer him to such a scheme.

Loandbeholdagain · 20/03/2018 18:10

I wouldn’t ever kick my child (however old out) but your situation sounds horrific. I think if he is stealing to fund a drug habit it’s got pretty bad. I’d be looking into rehab.

dotdotdotmustdash · 20/03/2018 18:21

My bathroom only locks from the inside. I fear a teenager would figure that out pretty quickly and plan a dastardly escape.

What a ridiculous plan! People don't change because you force them to, they only change when they want to. Fact. It's also a fact that it's not legal to imprison people of 17. I'm also impressed by the idea that after 24 hrs you can access specialist help to continue the rehab? Dream on, that help is massively underfunded and will take months, if not years, to obtain and only then if the person asks for it.

OP, you know what you have to do. Your boy may get worse before he gets better or he may just get worse, but either way he's got to make the choice and letting him stay at home isn't working for anyone.

notacooldad · 20/03/2018 20:06

I wouldn’t ever kick my child (however old out) but your situation sounds horrific. I think if he is stealing to fund a drug habit it’s got pretty bad. I’d be looking into rehab. What never, ever?

You've got to love this thread for the sheer naivety of posters!!

I've posted before on this thread and the Op is in a terrible position. However I have dealt with some really nice families that are going through some times and they have had to kick their kids out.
One mother had a knife to her throats because she took is phone of him ( with warning ) as a consequence of his behaviour.
Another parent phoned us up because her daughter had smashed the living room window. Her and her mates throw a rock to scare mum.
Another kid locked his mum unders the stairs so he could go out. She was absolutely terrified. All these cases are from families who have tried their best to do the right thing.

I really hate the smugness from some posters on here.
OP, I hope you get help quickly and your older son is ok.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/03/2018 20:13

I’d be looking into rehab. But why would you, or OP, need rehab?

[being deliberately obtuse to save laughing out loud and asking... what never, ever even if you get to 100 and they still live with you?]

LoislovesStewie · 20/03/2018 20:23

Chuck him out now, at 17 he can present as homeless. A 17 year old will have to be assessed to see if he is a child in need which means a social worker has to assess him. If you tell them what he is like then if they do their job right he will have to be found some sort of accommodation and hopefully some help for his problems.Shelter has advice on the website in respect of 16/17 year olds.

vayab1 · 20/03/2018 20:52

I was kicked out at 17, after leaving home myself six days after my birthday then moving back home for a few reasons. My mum kicked me out for having a messy room so stealing, assaulting people, and no respect for his family or home is definitely grounds for kicking him out. He’d probably get housed with a charity if he’s just 17 as a supported accommodation situation doesn’t sound a good fit. He’d get the professional help there to sort himself out, and he’d have curfews. Send him to the council and tell him to say he’s been told he has to leave. If you want him to be with you until he has somewhere it may be a longer process but I’d had three interviews for housing within two weeks and was offered all the places after a month. He may not be so lucky but at least you’d know he’d be safe with a company and he wouldn’t be causing his brother to want to leave or damaging your property or causing you grief

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 20/03/2018 21:10

I think there are people on here being incredibly naive about the cost of rehab too

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2018 21:35

Or its availability Sprinkle. Or the conditions necessary to access it.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 20/03/2018 21:40

Absolutely. Not to even mention it’s low success rate. Rehab is really not an option here Smile

ItLooksABitOff · 20/03/2018 22:10

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP and I believe you.

Yes, kick him out.

Counterpane · 20/03/2018 22:37

RibCageEngage

I have read some of your previous threads and you were worried about your elder son leaving because of the younger one's behviour - that is now going to happen.

Your DP will be the next one to leave and who could blame him? You will eventually be alone with a drug-addicted, aggressive teenager who will do exactly as he likes.

Please take the advice of PPs who say you should kick him out now, this situation is not going to change on its own.

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 08:41

I think people with zero understanding of addiction and even less understanding of the availability and accessibility of treatment options are being a bit foolish trying to suggest things that with a tiny bit of research, they'd realise wouldn't work.