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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my son to move out when he turns 18?

134 replies

RibCageEngage · 20/03/2018 07:53

My eldest son is 19 and is moving out in July. Part of the reason he's doing so is his younger brother who persistently steals off him, nags him for money/e-liquid/bus fare money and breaks his stuff when he has a temper tantrum.

DS2 is 17 and is a nightmare to live with. He's constantly stealing from us meaning we have to hide everything, I can't leave money around or anything that he wants as he'll just take it. I even have to hide the protein bars I buy as he just eats them all. He's not working or in college, he's done nothing since leaving school. He's recently started on what was meant to be a full time traineeship which has become a one morning a week session. This means he's hanging around the house 24/7. It's exhausting. He's constantly nagging for stuff, bus fare money (I bought him a bus card last week and he lost it meaning I'd wasted £15). "What's for dinner?" "What can I have for breakfast?" "What can I have to drink?" "Do you have any e-liquid?" Etc etc ... it's like looking after a toddler.

He had a job at McDonald's and was fired after a month for gross misconduct as he just didn't turn up for shifts.

He goes out on an evening and doesn't come home until gone midnight. He's meant to be home by 11, partly because of his drug usage but also because DH and I both work and we need to get to bed on a night and can't trust him to lock up so end up sitting up waiting for him. I'm exhausted.

He was recently arrested for assault against his brother. Last time we went away we came home to holes in the wall and he'd deliberately thrown a prosecco bottle at the floor damaging the floor tiles DH had just laid.

DH and I argue over him constantly. He doesn't respect us or our house and I desperately want him to live somewhere else. As much as I love him, I feel he's ruining my life. My home is an unhappy and tense one because of him.

WIBU to tell him that once he's 18 he needs to make alternative living arrangements?

OP posts:

Notcontent · 20/03/2018 08:25

It sounds horrendous and oviously something needs to happen but if you just throw him out he will probably end up on the street or in prison.

Is there some background to this? I mean, has he always been difficult or is it recent? do you think there could be some mental health issues or something else (ASD or ADHD?)

Nkhutch · 20/03/2018 08:26

I wouldn't kick him out. But I wouldn't want him living with me. Instead stop giving in to him. He wants money for a bus/ e liquid ? Stop giving it him and tell him he can have a job. Make him sign on if he hasn't already. He wants something to eat? He can make it himself he's an adult. Don't give him a curfew though I had one and hated it and it felt like I was being overly mothered. Instead tell him your doors will be locked with the key in by 11 if he's not at home by then he needs to make other arrangements for the night. If he's stealing money off you phone the police! You would if he wasn't your son so what's the difference with him being your son? Does that mean he has a get out of jail free card? Eventually when you stop doing things for him and giving him handouts then he will go because like won't be so cushy anymore. It said your older son is moving out because of this. But imo if you kick him out he will only rebel even more as he will probably thing you favour your other children over him. He needs guidance and a bloody good wake up call

JaneEyre70 · 20/03/2018 08:29

You all sound like prisoners in your own home. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be, but as well as a duty of care to your younger son, you also have that for your older son and yourselves. Would finding him a bedsit/studio and paying the rent for 6 months to get him on his feet be an answer? And set very clear ground rules around it that it's for a set period of time and after that he's on his own?

Dipitydoda · 20/03/2018 08:29

It seems like his drug usage is just thrown in there like an after thought. All the way through this I was thinking he’s taking drugs, I suspect everything else follows from this. Rather than throw him out have you tried to get help re his drug use?

birdlover1977 · 20/03/2018 08:30

Have you contacted social services. If you let them know you are unable to cope with his behaviour now he will be able to access their support before he turns 18. If you wait until he is 18 then he will be homeless and won’t helet support from SS. Good luck

ratspeaker · 20/03/2018 08:30

Depending on your council he may get morehelp if you kick him out before he's 18.
Id investigate what help is there for him.

No one should have to put up with violence in their home.
Was there any social work involvement when the assault happened? Could they give advise?

expatinscotland · 20/03/2018 08:32

He's on drugs. That's you main problem.

juneau · 20/03/2018 08:34

Difficult one. He's got no money, no job, he's a drug user and he abuses your home. How is he going to find somewhere else to live?

I too think you have to give him an ultimatum. Two months to get his shit together - to get a job, or go back to college and to not lose said job or college place. Also report thefts to police - but tell him first i.e. 'DS we're sick of you stealing from us. The next time I notice something missing I am reporting it to the police and I will report every single thing you take from now on'. And then do it. He's taking the piss out of you because he knows he can. You're not sanctioning him, you're giving him money, buying him a bus pass. Where the hell does he get the money to go out all evening? If you're serious about sorting him out (or kicking him out), then you need to stop being so soft.

andpeggy1 · 20/03/2018 08:34

Why have you allowed your younger son to become the way he has? You've created your own problem by letting him get on with this shitty like behaviour

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/03/2018 08:35

You need to start treating him like an adult and teaching him what the real world consequences of his actions are.

So, bus fare, e-liquid... his problem, get and keep a job.

Breaks stuff - give him a bill, he may never pay it, but he needs to know what it is he has done, he can get a job, keep it and pay you back

Steals from you - call the police, explain your situation, his problem

Comes home late - lock the door, key in/chain on, his problem

Wants food over and above meals you cook for the family - get and keep a job, pay bed and board, his problem

Your problem is that you oldest child was pleasant and amenable and you didn't know you had to foreceably parent them into adulthood.

So now you have to make a decision: Could you live with the consequences of putting him out? How much do you want to try talking it all through with him before you do put him out? Are there any local services you could approach, get some support for all of you?

But, as one who was put out at 17 (for no reason other than my parents didn't want me at home, they did the same to my DSis), I would say that he will survive the experience, but he will have to find his on way to do so!

Good luck

juneau · 20/03/2018 08:35

Depending on your council he may get more help if you kick him out before he's 18.

And this^. Because I suspect if you kick him out at 18 he'll get no help at all. He certainly won't be handed a council flat to live in.

MrsJayy · 20/03/2018 08:36

^^ all of this . I am assuming he has been behaving like this for a while ? imo chucking him out is not going to help him he isn't equipped and will just survive. If you contact SS they might be able to put you in touch with somebody that can help him.

AjasLipstick · 20/03/2018 08:37

When I was like this (which I really was) my Mum just completely stopped giving me anything. No money....nothing but basic food.
I soon got a job!

She wouldn't give me one pound for the bus and I had to ride my bike....I thought it was terrible!

Ledkr · 20/03/2018 08:40

I think (I may be wrong) that if he is under 18 he will be housed if he presents at the local housing office as homeless. So for this reason it might be better to do it quicker.

It's quite a common problem. My own son was the same many years ago and I did have to kick him out in the end due to him literally stealing everything.
My fiend is having similar and is actually moving house and giving her son notice to leave.
Dh and I were chatting about it yesterday and I think it's not all laziness, I think it's also immaturity and complete lack of confidence.
Very frustrating

Rachie1973 · 20/03/2018 08:44

I've been where you are.

We did give notice to my 18 year old. It was just too much to live with.

We did kick him out. He lodged with 'people' until he realised drugs and the dole weren't actually much fun. I think it was about 8 months when he came back.

New rules were put in place, job search, pay housekeeping, no drugs in my home. Ever. No bullying the siblings etc etc.

He's 22 now, and still living here, working and is a pleasant enough person.

We still have blow outs, and he's not perfect, but I never expected or wanted that!

It gets to a point where you feel your own sanity starting to wane, and you can't see an end to the hole that you kind of made for yourself. After all, I enabled him. I gave him cash when he needed it, and I let him live in my house and ruin it, and I made excuses for his behaviour to my DH. (it caused us a lot of rows too). You sometimes have to break the cycle.

Sympathy for you OP xx

Rachie1973 · 20/03/2018 08:47

andpeggy1
Why have you allowed your younger son to become the way he has? You've created your own problem by letting him get on with this shitty like behaviour

Yeah, come back when you have something constructive to add.

AllisLost · 20/03/2018 08:47

I see this issue coming up more and more both on MN and in RL. I am also struggling with a teen who this morning has gone to school but was extremely rude to me beforehand. He does no work and is on track to fail every single GCSE, he is dirty, he steals. He has difficulties but living with me is making life hell for all of us.

There is no help.

This an area in which society has not caught up with reality. We have to keep kids in education and at home and there are so many women and younger children being terrorized by abusive and sometimes violent teens. They'll leave home eventually having caused damage and then go on to be abusive adults or lost causes.

We are told "parent your child". How?? You have no idea how hard that is when the "child" is bigger than you, has more energy than you, has access to everything he needs to do whatever he wants.

Anyway - I have to go to work now but I jiust wanted to say that.

I feel for you OP - and I don't know what the solution is for you.

Mrsmadevans · 20/03/2018 08:47

'think (I may be wrong) that if he is under 18 he will be housed if he presents at the local housing office as homeless. So for this reason it might be better to do it quicker. '
THIS is what l immediately thought, you need to contact Social services and get a social worker involved asap. Also see your Gp for any help available. It sounds a nightmare OP I am so hoping in a few years you will all be laughing about this .

Rachie1973 · 20/03/2018 08:50

And Social Services are sometimes reluctant to get involved, you have to really push for help.

As far as they were concerned my son was from a 'loving supportive family' and they couldn't see any need for their input or help.

mandem08 · 20/03/2018 08:53

I had a similar issue with my oldest daughter and I can really sympathise. I held on for a long time, but it was all very damaging to the rest of the family. (I can report that she is now getting it together - holds down a job and lives in a shared house!)
The way I see it, you have a couple of options:
1.) Kick him out. But be aware that this will not make him go away. You will spend all your time worrying about him
2.) Get hold of your local council/princes trust for advice on programmes you can get him on. The government runs youth programmes that can be character changing.
3.) funds allowing, send him on a volunteer course overseas. Nothing like seeing how deprived people really life to help a young person catch a wake-up.
In the mean time, I would lock doors to bedrooms and maybe to the house so that he can only be there when you are.
If he does criminal damage to your house or steals, you can report him to the police. This would be a valid threat and might make him turn the corner.
It is likely to be a long road. Good luck!

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 20/03/2018 08:53

How long until he is 18? Agree he will be better off if kicked out at 17.

SluttyButty · 20/03/2018 08:55

I’ve been where you are so ignore any of the idiots telling you to start parenting. It’s a vicious unpleasant cycle. SS told me to kick him out and I did in the end when I found drugs in the house. I involved YOT and I spoke to my local council. He was housed in a bedsit type place with other teens and they had 24 hr supervision. There’s no guarantee that this will happen now mind. He messed that up and was evicted and sofa surfed instead, got further into drugs and eventually ended up in serious trouble with the police. The only thing that made my DS turn the corner is prison so don’t be afraid to take the steps (and they will make you feel sick to your stomach) of telling him to leave.
I’m of course not saying that your DS will end up at the stage mine did and like you, have other children that are not this way inclined. Anyway if you want to message me from one mum to another who knows how awful it is to live like this, then please do.

liminality · 20/03/2018 08:56

He doesn't need a whole bond for a whole flat, he just needs to find a room in pals sharehouse and find the cash for that. It's amazing how quickly someone can get a job when they need 50 quid a week for rent. It's not a choice of your house or homelessness, there's a lot of other options that are much better than fronting up at social services for a shared bunk bed in a meens shelter! Give him notice and see what he does. Quite possibly he'll fuck off immediately in a rage, and won't even hang around for the whole period! Make sure you have company when you tell him if you think he'll be violent.
Don't think by kicking him out your consigning him to the life suggested by many of the above posters, he'll probably move in with pals, get a job in a bar, and drink a lot for a few years. Lots do. It's not ideal but its not criminal.

DGRossetti · 20/03/2018 08:56

Have you contacted social services. If you let them know you are unable to cope with his behaviour now he will be able to access their support before he turns 18.

Not in our experience . Aged 17 they will just mess around until he's 18, and then shrug their shoulders.

helpconfused · 20/03/2018 09:03

My dads rules when I was a teen was job and out at 16. Both myself and my sister did this. Best thing that could have happened.

I know it's different now with schools staying on and further education becoming the norm (I did other qualifications though work - not brought up in a well educated area so 6th form wasn't really optimised).

My brother is 24 l, still at home and my Mum babies him. She is so stressed. He steals, doesn't work and demands her to do everything for him... because she does, for an easier life.
She is the only member of the house that works, full time/minimum wage. My elderly nan lives with them and also my dad.
It takes its toll. She has lost weight and aged loads in the last few years. She is beaten down by it. Don't let it beat you. Stand firm. You aren't helping him by enabling him to be this way

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