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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? To have left friend's birthday night out

150 replies

Spoolie · 19/03/2018 16:56

Sorry this is a bit of a long one. We'd all gotten ready for a friend's birthday night out on Saturday (going for a meal and then drinks and dancing) and I'd bought a dress that I felt comfy and dare I say it- pretty in. I've been loosing weight slowly (2 stone off) ever since having my DD 6 months ago. I was overweight before I got pg by an determined to lead a healthy lifestyle so my daughter doesn't end up like I did.

Anyway so we were all at my friend's getting ready, my friend commented on my dress saying it was lovely when a friend of my friend (I know her by name but that's about it) commented "oh but it's not really clubby? Is it. Still I suppose it covers all the lumps and bumps!" I was a bit at this but I let it go because I'm not petty but somehow the conversation got on to dieting because someone in the group was doing the Cambridge diet and I shared about my weight loss too and that I was still dieting. This woman pipes up then that "holy Christ you must have been huge to start with then". Now I don't know this woman really but have always been friendly when in group situations and I don't know why she would say something like that. Me being anxious old me just made it into a joke and laughed it off so I don't think the other girls really remembered the comment or wanted to say anything but it was a bit awkward for a while.

I didn't want to cause an atmosphere so just stayed out of conversation from then on really but the final straw came when we were at the restaurant later and when the waiter came over and i ordered I wanted she then went "oh I thought you were on a diet shouldn't you be having a salad?" And laughed. I was just so embarrassed at this point that I just said to my friend that I was going home and to have a nice evening and left. My friend text me the morning after and we hadn't a bit of an argument about it as she thinks I overreacted and that it was just her friend's sense of humour and I shouldn't be so sensitive. AIBU to have been upset by this? Or have I been immature? I know I wasn't probably BU for walking off but I was close to tears at that point and feeling really attacked and unsupported by my friend. Feeling quite isolated as it is and i was really looking forward to a night out to have fun and now I just feel bad/guilty.

OP posts:

llangennith · 19/03/2018 18:31

YANBU. What a horrible woman!
Glad I’ve never had a group of friends who think it’s funny to take the piss out of each other and make rude remarks. You are much too nice for that lot.

SaffyMcDonut · 19/03/2018 18:32

OP the fact that there are so many people saying YANBU in this section of Mumsnet just shows how reasonable you were.
They both sound horrible. Well done on your weight loss .

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/03/2018 18:33

I was also going to say you must have been looking really stunning to elicit such spiteful comments. Not sure I would email or text your friend. It's a conversation she needs to have with you in person.

Congrats on the weight loss!

BewareOfDragons · 19/03/2018 18:34

The woman was a vile bitch who clearly makes herself feel better by making other women feel like crap.

Your friend isn't a friend if she doesn't understand how vile the woman is and is upset with you for leaving.

BewareOfDragons · 19/03/2018 18:38

I'd send her the link to this thread and name change if your friend refuses to see how out of order her ''friend' is. She was truly a cow to you, and no one should have to put up with that on what is supposed to be an enjoyable, friendly night out with nice people. She wasn't being nice. At all. Vile.

chocolateworshipper · 19/03/2018 18:39

Well done on your weight loss OP. You can lose more weight if you want to, but that woman will always be a bitch.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2018 18:40

I think friend of friend was trying to put you in your place as a second tier friend. I suspect she was bullying you because she resented you muscling in on her cosy relationship with your mutual friend.

She was a complete cow.

Piffle11 · 19/03/2018 18:40

I haven't read all the replies, so my apologies if this has already been said! But - this woman making all the bitchy comments: is she just really socially inept, or deliberately vile? I think probably the latter. And why didn't your friend say something after the first jibe? Is it ok for others to stand by, maybe so that they aren't the target? And no, you weren't being overly sensitive. As for it being her kind of humour - I read a book ages ago and the author was talking about how people pick on others and say mean things, and disguise it as 'humour' and 'teasing' - she said it's just plain nastiness. YANBU at all, and your weight loss is something to be proud of. Stand tall and believe in yourself - you are doing this for your DD as well as yourself, and you wouldn't want her to be walked over, so don't let it happen to you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2018 18:41

Sorry "muscling in" was meant to be in inverted commas. I don't think for one minute you were - simply that is how she chose to perceive things.

cheshiremama89 · 19/03/2018 18:43

This makes me so sad

YANBU she sounds vile!

369thegoosedrankwine · 19/03/2018 18:47

Yanbu.
Totally inappropriate comments on your clothes and your weight. Just really rude. I wouldn't want to be in company like that and don't blame you for leaving.

MaggieFS · 19/03/2018 19:01

If you value your friendship and it was out of character, I'd email with minimal emotion but stick to the facts of what was said. You don't have to apologise for leaving, you could perhaps offer an olive branch of apologising if it affected her evening, or something similar.

HermionesRightHook · 19/03/2018 19:02

What a vile bully, and well done for not putting it up with it. I don't think there's a perfect reaction for spitefulness like that - just the one that's right for you and removing yourself with dignity was a good choice.

As for what to text your friend now - if you haven't laid it out for her, I'd send a final one saying that you didn't want to leave but that she had said X Y and Z and you weren't prepared to spend the evening putting up with further comments. You could add 'I hope you had a nice evening after I left, why don't we go out for a drink just to two of us - after all it wasn't you who spoiled my evening' or similar, then leave it with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2018 19:05

Maggie why shod op apologise, for leaving, when she was insulted 3 times. The only person apologising should be that nasty friend, and op friend for being a spineless twat!

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 19:06

You were right to leave, the viper was jealous of you because you did look pretty.

Be pleased that you had that effect, if you had looked hideous she would have been nice to you.

I am not sure my so called friend would be someone I would want to spend time with anymore/as much, she should have asked viper to leave.

Congratulations with your weight loss and be enjoy your new confidence!

Eliza9917 · 19/03/2018 19:14

I'm normally one to laugh at things and not see why people get offended etc but what she said is fat shaming and everyone else should have backed you up to call her out on it.

She was out of order, and your friend was too for not saying something and then minimising it.

Ariesgirl1988 · 19/03/2018 19:19

She sounds like a jealous bitch! It's always the beautiful bitches that have to be nasty to make themselves feel better. Perhaps she was jealous of the weight loss and your friendship. You were not unreasonable to get up and leave in fact I think you were pretty mature cos I would've just called her out and asked wtf her problem was! Well done on the weight loss keep it up. As for your friend well she isn't much of a friend if she has taken this bitch's side without hearing your side of the story if a supposed friend of mine said that to another friend I would seriously rethink my friendship with that person. By all means text her and explain what happened if she won't believe it or makes excuses probably best to end the friendship, friends should have each other's backs not stab them in it

MaggieFS · 19/03/2018 19:21

@Aeroflotgirl I specifically said she didn't need to apologise for leaving. Appreciate you may not have seen it but I'd said OP was YANBU is my first post, this was then a follow up to OP's later post with, as I said, olive branch suggestion.

MissEliza · 19/03/2018 19:26

You shouldn't have walked out because you shouldn't miss out on a night out because of a nasty jealous bitch. I lost a significant amount of weight after ds2 and I heard plenty of nasty remarks. It takes hard work and some people are jealous because they know they couldn't do it.

TheBlindspot · 19/03/2018 19:32

Wow. What a bitch. YANBU at all.

Honestly, I would have called her out on each comment. Asked her 'sorry, exactly what do you mean by that? Can you explain?' in front of everyone. I applaud you for being more gracious than I am. It was mature if you to leave rather than create a scene.

If I heard a friend of mine speak to another friend like that I'd also say something. You need to find some new friends I think!

AllNamesTakenhell · 19/03/2018 19:34

I would text your friend and tell her exactly what was said and that you dont see it as banter but spiteful behaviour.

cookiescookiescookies · 19/03/2018 19:46

I'd just send your friend a link to this thread to be honest. Her friend is a nasty bitch. She's also come across as a bit of a bitch too to be honest. Did she know about the previous comments?

SharronNeedles · 19/03/2018 19:47

I would have said something to the lass making the comments.
Throwing out the old "well I can always diet, you'll be stuck being a bitch forever'

I'd tell friend that her mate is a dick and you don't need to be around people like that. If she is going to cut you out of her life then good riddance!

Shinycat · 19/03/2018 19:57

Yeah I would defo send a link to this thread!

Shinycat · 19/03/2018 19:58

I hate this 'you are too sensitive' bollocks, and your friend is worse than her nasty mate, for not supporting you.

Her mate is an utter bitch and is probably jealous of you and your friend's friendship, and her 3 nasty comments were well out of order. ONE was bad enough, but THREE? WHY?

Your friend's friend should hang her head in shame, but your 'friend' is the one I would be very angry with, and I would be saying if she cannot see the wrong in what this other woman did, then you cannot be friends with her.

2 horrible, nasty cows.

And well done to you @spoolie on your weight loss. Shame that some people find it so easy to be nasty bastards. All I can think of is that they hate themselves and their lives so much, that they want everyone to feel as shit as they do.

I (unfortunately) have met a few people like this in my lifetime, and they have almost always reduced me to tears and upset me a lot. And without fail - every time - I get told I am too sensitive and need to grow up and they were 'only joking.'

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