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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandparents love for grandchildren...

58 replies

Newtothismumthing · 19/03/2018 12:26

I have a new baby who is the first grandchild on my side, but the 8th on my husbands side. We live 3 hours away from my parents and in the same town as all my in laws. My MIL has previously said she has a different relationship with her daughters children than her sons children, but I didn't think much of it until my baby was born and she seems very disinterested, doesn't care to call round and see us, never offers to babysit etc whereas she does seem to dote on her daughters children. I find it quite tough with my parents being further away. Am I being unreasonable to be upset or is this normal?

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 19/03/2018 12:28

That’s not normal. It’s probably for the best though. She sounds a bit mental. Better disinterested and crazy than interfering and crazy.

nuttyknitter · 19/03/2018 12:34

Definitely not normal. My DS would be very upset if I paid less attention to his DC than to my DD's DC, and I wouldn't want to.

PrettyLittIeThing · 19/03/2018 12:39

Sounds normal ime. My mums closer to my children than my brothers.

Hanuman · 19/03/2018 12:42

In some cultures, it would be the other way around.

But yes a lot of British people do seem to take it as read that daughters' kids are the priority for grandparents.

Confusedbeetle · 19/03/2018 12:43

As a grandmother of 10, I can see something in this. The relationship with your daughter makes it easier to be very involved with the children. Even the lovliest of relationshions with your daughter in laws are slightly different. Daughters also tend to turn to their mother before the MIL. Having said that geography also plays a part. She was tactless to say that it would affect her relationship with the children however. I don't think that makes a difference, just how much you interact sometimes. The job of a MIL is to be useful but not interfering in my opinion. If I were to fall out with my daughters in law I might not see the children. I am more likely to say what I think to my daughters. I don't think you should be too hurt, but it is her loss not to have a close relationship with them if she lives close. If it matters to you have you tried encouraging her, asking her round, asking her to babysit? Sometimes I am anxious not to interfere with my DILs and wait until they ask me. All relationships need nurturing, adults and with children.Work on your relationship with her and it might do the trick

Confusedbeetle · 19/03/2018 12:45

Sometimes its not that the Grandmothers back off, it's that Daughters are more likely to turn to their own Mums

cookiescookiescookies · 19/03/2018 12:47

YANBU at all. That would really upset me.

I turn to my MIL for advice though because she's always been more of a mother figure to me than my own.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 19/03/2018 12:47

As a mil (ex now Sad), it isn't as easy to invite yourself /give opinions /lavish attention in fear of overstepping the mark with a dil as a dd, I have a dgs but am well aware we are his lower rate relatives. Mainly as her family have 'booked' dgs for every occasion from before he was born tbh. We see him when ds dares to insist. Overall I think it depends how much the dil wants another family. Imo /e.

PrettyLittIeThing · 19/03/2018 12:47

For example my sil will ask her own mum to have my niece should wouldn't ask my mum as she's
Got her mum, my mum has never babysat my niece whereas my mum has my kids quite abit.

Chocolate1984 · 19/03/2018 12:49

My mum loves all her grandchildren & keeps them equal when buying things but she is closer to my children than my brother's kids. I phone my mum most days, I let the kids FAceTime her & she knows more about their life. I invite my mum along to concerts, races & any event the kids want her to see. The relationship with my brothers kids is different. Although my mum gets on with my SIL she would never drop round unless invited because she doesn't want to be a nuisance. My mum has says she is available to babysit when ever they need her but never offers because she doesn't want to step on other grans toes. Mum constantly worries about doing something wrong or interfering too much & ends up doing nothing. Mum lives near my brother & will sometimes mention it would be nice to take the kids to the park & then worries that my SIL might be busy & not want that & ends up not calling to arrange it. I think you should invite your MIL round more & let her know you want her to visit. Ask her to babysit. Not offering to babysit is different to saying no when asked to babysit.

AvoidingDM · 19/03/2018 12:52

MIL couldn't get enough of my LO until SIL produced some kids. SILs are 1 & 2 in the pecking order and always bigger / better / brighter / faster than mine.

missyB1 · 19/03/2018 12:53

As the mother of sons I worry about this. When the time comes I would love to be involved in my grandkids lives, but I suspect Dil’s mum will be encouraged to be much more involved.
OP could you have a little chat with your Mil and tell her how much you would appreciate it if she could spend a bit more time with the baby?

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 19/03/2018 12:55

I don't think there's a difference for my DD, but it's certainly right that I will turn to my mum first rather than MIL. I try to be scrupulously fair about organised things - sleepovers, home-made cards, trips out for lunch - they both think they were the first to hear about the pregnancy! - but if I need a favour or I want to pop in at short notice, I'm much more likely to impose on my mum than MIL, which probably means, overall, that DD sees more of my mum. MIL is lovely, helpful and not interfering, but I'm more likely to wait to be offered than to ask for something. It's balanced by the fact that DH would call his mum first, so overall I don't think there's much in it, but if he was less involved there probably would be a noticeable tip towards my mum.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/03/2018 12:57

YANBU to be upset. However it is normal.
for gps to be closer and more involved with their daughters children.

My grandparents were with me and my sister. They saw us every day. However I'm sure they could actually count on their hands how often they saw my cousins.

nickEcave · 19/03/2018 13:00

My MIL is just as involved with my kids as my mum is and treats my kids and my SILs DD the same. However we all live in the same city which obviously makes it much easier for them to all have a close relationship.

whiskyowl · 19/03/2018 13:09

"but I'm more likely to wait to be offered than to ask for something. It's balanced by the fact that DH would call his mum first"

I've never thought about it before, but this seems to be one of the best indicements I've ever heard for parents not to raise their children in a gendered way! Raise sons to be equally involved in childcare as daughters, and you get to see your grandkids more! Grin

Takfujuimoto · 19/03/2018 13:10

Does your DH know about this? If so how does he feel about it?

It seems extremely unfair and she shouldn't have spoken about it like that but I do think in a lot ( not all ) of families that the daughter will rely on her mother more for advice, support which is perfectly fine to me.

However it shouldn't be made blatantly obvious that she favours grandchildren from one of her children more than the others.

YANBU, its disappointing for you, DH and the baby but at least you know how she operates now, you can either encourage her to be more involved or keep your distance a bit and find another support system.

Echobelly · 19/03/2018 13:13

I totally understand you being upset - it is hurtful behaviour. But she's not going to change and I think you will just have to not expect from her more than she is likely to give or else you'll be wishing for something that's just not going to happen. Sorry, it's a crummy situation for you and not fair.

1Strawberry · 19/03/2018 13:14

Op my mum is a bit like this, big believer in the old saying 'your son's your son til he gets him a wife', which I hate hearing as a mother of all boys. She sees my kids as more 'hers' than my db's. I know my db is bemused and a little upset by what he sees as her lack of interest in his beloved dd - but I think she thinks she is behaving how he and his dw would want.

Maybe your mil feels similar and possibly would change given some encouragement from you that you really want her input..?

pencilhoarder · 19/03/2018 13:15

This is quite common, the MIL is investing her affection time, money, energy where she thinks best for her. For every person like you regretting that fact there is another person who would see DHs mother as an interfering busybody. I'm in the second category - I can communicate fine with my DM who understands boundaries, but have no real interest in receiving help or advice from MIL, harmless as she is.

ziggiestardust · 19/03/2018 13:17

YANBU that is really sad OP! Can you sit your MIL down and explain this really isn’t what you want, and that she’s welcome to be more involved? I have one DS myself; I can’t imagine being that way with my DGC! I can’t wait until he has DC; I’ll be banging down the door to offer free childcare on tap!

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2018 13:17

I think if she can’t be the grown up, then you’re going to have to be. Talk to her. Ask her for what you want. Invite her round - and/or your fil. Perhaps she is doing it to protect herself because something happened with the other dil(s) or perhaps she genuinely prefers to spend time with her daughters children. You won’t know unless you state what you want and what your expectations are. She then has a choice to meet them or not. Always go in with an open mind. And protect yourself in case of disappointment. You know your child is as precious and special as his cousins.

BanyanTree · 19/03/2018 13:23

I would talk to her. If it turns out that she is set in her ways about treating her DGC from her DD more favourably than yours then I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

I thought I would have this problem with my MIL. My SIL doesn't have any DC so it may not happen. I wouldn't tolerate my DC being second fiddle to another cousin. I would cultivate other positive relationships and let MIL regret it when she sees my DC going off to Oxford (if only Hmm) and she is not invited to the graduation ceremony.

jeepsinbeepsfoxonbox · 19/03/2018 13:24

It seems normal to me (sadly). I used to try and get my ex-pils involved more, but they turned down invitations to come over. When ex asked if they could come over one day during the week because I was struggling with a non sleeping dd, they had an excuse for every day (things like "and on Tuesday we are going to the supermarket", nothing urgent). I understand those who feel worried about over-stepping the mark, but mine were invited and turned it down again and again. They lived closer to us than my own dm who came over whenever she could. Now their dd has two children and they have been involved to a very high level since day one. To the point I feel sorry for her
dc's other grandparents (bil's parents) because they hardly get a look in.

RedSkyAtNight · 19/03/2018 13:26

My parents were only interested in their grandchildren between the ages of 2 and 10. Meant that different DC dropped in and out of favour. ... but seriously she may find the baby more interesting when older?

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