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Original poster

Grandparents love for grandchildren...

58 replies

Newtothismumthing · 19/03/2018 12:26

I have a new baby who is the first grandchild on my side, but the 8th on my husbands side. We live 3 hours away from my parents and in the same town as all my in laws. My MIL has previously said she has a different relationship with her daughters children than her sons children, but I didn't think much of it until my baby was born and she seems very disinterested, doesn't care to call round and see us, never offers to babysit etc whereas she does seem to dote on her daughters children. I find it quite tough with my parents being further away. Am I being unreasonable to be upset or is this normal?

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/03/2018 13:29

Think it varies hugely. My in-laws prefer our son to his sisters children for various reasons but primarily because my FiL is a bit of dinosaur who believes that sons have more value than daughters.

In my misspent youth, I almost married an Italian and his father said to me one night, that you know your daughter's children are your grandchildren but you're talking a leap of faith with your son's.

user789653241 · 19/03/2018 13:34

I don't think there's normal or not normal about this tbh. It depend on personality, relationship, etc.

amyboo · 19/03/2018 13:37

I have exactly the same. My kids are the 3rd, 4th and 5th grandkids for ILs. They live close to DSIL and her 2 kids, see them all the time, babysit virutally every weekend etc. We live further away, and they couldn't really care less about visiting us and their other 3 grandkids....

Sarahh2014 · 19/03/2018 13:39

My mil is the same

user1471426142 · 19/03/2018 13:41

You might need to give it time. The love my PILs have for my toddler is obvious to see and it grows each time they see her. It’s really lovely actually but I’d say that relationship has taken time. They did seem to be as attached to her as a newborn. It’s really since she has developed her own little personality that I think that strong attachment has formed.

Taffeta · 19/03/2018 13:42

Depends on the MIL, and crucially the relationship with the SILs.

My mother was excluded like pps above from her first grandchild’s milestones, as BIL is an only child with a very controlling mother. She bought her only grandchild everything and monopolised her horribly, leaving my mum out. My sister is weak and let it happen.

When my DC came along a few years later, I tried to ensure my mum was very involved as I knew she’d been badly hurt by it. At the same time, MIL was and is vaguely interested, but as she has 6 grandchildren perhaps not in so much need.

Neither ever did any regular childcare or anything but have both been involved in their lives.

BertrandRussell · 19/03/2018 13:49

I’m the only girl in my family of origin. My mum had 8 grandchildren and was very involved and doting. She was completely taken unawares for the feelings she had for my first child- she said that looking at her daughter’s daughter was like being struck by lightning. She had to work very hard at not showing it- she only told me about it not long before she died.

twigs13 · 19/03/2018 13:54

Our son was the first on my husbands side of the family. A fair amount of attention etc until my Sil had a daughter. Mine and Mil's once close relationship has changed quite a bit, as internally I felt totally peed off that my lovely son is sidelined. He's 13 and doesn't appeared that bothered, I would never bring the issue to his attention though.
Taffeta - I struggle to believe that because you are an only child, said parent/mother will always be controlling, these myths do not help anyone.

Spoog1971xx · 19/03/2018 13:56

This is a thing in our house. MIL was all over my son like a rash until SIL reproduced. He was then dropped like a hot potato.
It's all about what's good/ easy for her.
People suck

lovelsa · 19/03/2018 13:57

I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm from he States and have lived in the UK for about 5 years. My bubba is the first on my side and 6th on hubbys side.

My in laws actually moved farther away from us and my SIL (whose little girl is 5 months older than my boy). Actually told my husband (in different words) that it's because they want a quieter life and not to be asked to babysit etc.

It has really upset me because my mom FaceTimes everyday to say hello to my son and is always saying how much she wishes she could be nearer to him. IMO It's heartbreaking that the one close by doesn't appreciate what she has!

You're not alone! x

oigetoffmycheese · 19/03/2018 14:03

Yep. Normal. Sadly. My PIL were interested in my DC but have never looked after them as such. However they now have SIL younger DS all the time, sometimes for a whole week and seem to cope. My DCs on the other hand still just see them from time to time.

I've tried not to change the way I feel about them but it does hurt. My DCs haven't noticed as they are older than their cousin and just assume they had the same treatment as babies.

I do like PP comment about making sure we raise our sons to be as invested in their own child rearing as their future wives. This wouldn't happen then would it. Lesson learnt.

Snowmagedon · 19/03/2018 14:29

It's not a surprise if you are closer to the your gc if your closer to your own dd however this sounds extreme and like she has never even bothered to get to inked your dc.

Anyone with such odd thinking is probably best removed from your dc anyway.. Have low expectations

Snowmagedon · 19/03/2018 14:31

In our case sil has easier time telling pils to bugger off if neccsary... Dh can't easily talk to them or stand up to them.. Especially over boundaries so I imagine within an easier relationship they would survive this sort of thing...not so in set up like ours where pils trample all over us.

Snowmagedon · 19/03/2018 14:35

dinasour as the old fashioned as that sounds... There have been studies.. On mils feelings for their gc based on the this theory!

sockunicorn · 19/03/2018 14:39

@Newtothismumthing im sorry about this. oddly my DDs were the first born on my side and my mum isnt interested. However they were MILs 3rd and 4th grandchildren and she dotes on them. My DM also drives and is extremely well off but does nothing for us and does not buy gifts for the DC, whereas MIL was a single parent, works 2 jobs and doesnt drive yet is always buying the DC things, coming up to see them and taking them places.

You just have to try to ignore it and its her loss if she doesnt see them. Dont chase her. Your children will grow up with the better relationship with your parents.

letsdolunch321 · 19/03/2018 14:43

Sounds very strange to me. You may as a grandparent love the children differently for their different values but you don’t knowing love them differently

In the same way you can love your own children for their different values/way as a child.

chocorabbit · 19/03/2018 14:45

What does your DH say about it?

Once DH had to go through MIL's phone to find a photo or something else and he asked MIL how come she had got lots and lots and lots of pictures of his sister's DD compared to a handful of our DS. It didn't change much but MIL had nothing to say while she is a very good talker Smile

As they years went by MIL took a lot more interest on our DC who have learnt to listen and she finds now a lot easier to look after as she is getting older. She can no longer boast and justify SIL's spoiled DC as charming, sensible, well manered and other exagerations which she used to make. Also, lots of her vomit inducing "facts" about girls being "more caring, sweet, compassionate" etc have stopped since DH has been highly critical and scathing about it.

EB123 · 19/03/2018 14:48

My il dropped my children as soon as sil had a baby. Previously they were very involved with them and then it just went, sad for my eldest who remembers the days out and fun they had until niece arrived.

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/03/2018 14:49

Not always the Mil's fault that she appears closer to her Dds children.
Dd had three children and I have always been very hands on with all of them and have had them when she went back to work and I still do school pickups for the youngest.
Ds and Dil (who I get on with brilliantly) buy new house and have baby, I'm told at the beginning by Ds that I will be staying overnight in the spare room when I babysit, they're going to invite me for Sunday tea as soon as they've settled in.
It's six years now and I have never been invited for a meal, have probably only been in their house maybe a dozen times and never babysat there.
I've had my Dgs stay with me while they go out and have looked after him for three days when they went away.
As I said, it's not because I don't get on with Dil, we text and call each other and have had lots of meals out.
So, I do feel closer to my Dds children although I love them and treat them all the same.

Thatoneagain · 19/03/2018 14:52

My grandparents on my dad's side were like this- despite for many years living very close by and having no other grandparents they lavished attention and presents on my cousins but pretty much ignored me . Even on the off occasion that we were all together they saw nothing wrong in treating us very differently (eg giving cousins expensive presents in front of me/discussing with them places that they were planning to take them etc). It was very upsetting for me as a child and I had no real relationship with them as an adult. Apparently they once told my parents that it was the mother's parents' role to e grandparents to the children (the fact that mum's parents were dead didn't seem to change anything).

I can see how it might be harder to be involved with your son's children than your daughters if the mother is doing most of the child care (depending on relationship with the DIL), but can't see why as a grandparent you wouldn't want to try.

Coyoacan · 19/03/2018 15:22

Always look the bright side, OP. What jumped out at me was that your child lives in a town where they are surrounded by cousins, which is bloody brilliant.

I think, as regards your MIL, you will have to cultivate her. The closer she feels to you, the closer she will feel to your children.

tillytrotter1 · 19/03/2018 15:35

She's probably read all the anti Mother in Law posts and is trying not to be intrusive, you may be being over-sensitive. Have you invited her over? Can't do right for doing wrong really.

Bundlesmads · 19/03/2018 15:43

My DS is 1st on my side and 7th on the other. I think this is normal. First grandchildren are very exciting and a great novelty. You can’t keep that level of excitement up for 8 children and it becomes much more routine.

Snowmagedon · 19/03/2018 15:57

honky* that's so strange! Have you you never asked why you don't baby sit or do you not offer?

Very odd.

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/03/2018 16:23

Snowmagedon I've offered many times but they live nearer her Dm (who I also get on with) and a Da and Du who are childless. They seem to find it easier to ask them, I think. Plus my Ds says that I have enough on my plate with all I do for my Dd children.
Dil lost her Father just before Dgs was born and she is very close, naturally to her Dm. My Ds actually told me years ago that we would not be doing the alternate Christmas Days as they couldn't because of DMil so I said that's fine DMil can come as well and he said well it's not just her it's the Da and Du as well so we'll do Boxing Day with you.e
I can understand really, as they all dote on the boy and are very generous with them with paying for holidays and meals out etc.
I'm not actually moaning about any of it, I'm just saying it's not always Mil fault if Ds's children are not as close.

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