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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell a wedding guest they can't turn up halfway through the day?

129 replies

MarkBorrigan · 19/03/2018 12:03

Getting married on a Friday so I know this type of thing is self inflicted. Wedding guest cannot make the ceremony time, but has informed us they will be arriving 1-2 hours after the ceremony has finished, presumably in the time in which we will be having photos, drinks, chatting to guests before the meal. So, a few AIBUs:

AIBU to be annoyed at being informed by the guest (not asked if it's ok) that they will be arriving at a different time to the one stated on the invitation. For background, said guest asked me more than once to move my wedding entirely, even suggesting 3 different months (other than the one DP and I chose) that would suit them better.

AIBU to not want the disruption of the guest arriving at this time, possibly entering the ceremony late if it runs late, and having to consider them for meal timings if it runs early (time given of their potential arrival was extremely rough).

WIBU to ask that they just come for the reception?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 20/03/2018 18:32

Say no.

From everything you've said in your posts, the real story is that you have a total drama llama potential guest who after failing to get you to switch your wedding dates to make him/her feel more in control, has decided that they will turn up fashionably late and disrupt the day that way - arriving mid-speech, mid-photo etc, clattering up to you with ooos and aahs?

If that has a grain of truth in it - and you know them - then say NO.

Anyone else - say yes, you won't notice them arriving late.

HermionesRightHook · 20/03/2018 18:38

the guest really is not the type to be capable of coming in quietly without a fuss.

Use the suggested text to invite them to the evening only, make it discreetly known what a shame that X couldn't commit to the meal because of work, but how glad you'll be to see them at the reception, and watch them make a fool of themselves when they come in early and there's no food for them. Use the 'have to tell the venue definite numbers' reason.

Had they been a nicely behaved guest who could be trusted to slip in appropriately I'd say just tell them you'd be glad to see them whenever they could make it and not give them a second thought, but it sounds like they're trying to make a drama of it.

Icanttakemuchmore · 20/03/2018 19:02

I firm them that if attending the whole wedding its time. If they cannot attend the whole wedding then it's time, evening invitation only. Give them two times, and say its one or the other.

Icanttakemuchmore · 20/03/2018 19:05

lalalalyra
Keep in mind that you can't actually bar entry to a wedding ceremony because anyone with a legal objection must be allowed entry.
Surely that would depend if its in a church etc or a privately hired place where uninvited people are not allowed.

lalalalyra · 20/03/2018 19:21

Surely that would depend if its in a church etc or a privately hired place where uninvited people are not allowed.

A wedding ceremony is a legal ceremony. Anyone with an objection can come in to make their objection heard, that's why the venue of a wedding is published on the notices.

I only know this from having a real fear that my violent/abusive father would have turned up to cause trouble at mine. The only way to 'stop' him turning up was to hope he didn't find out.

Chewbecca · 20/03/2018 19:42

For me it would depend on

the reason they couldn't get time off work
how much I liked the person

If, say, they were a much loved teacher friend, I would just say 'lovely, can't wait to see you when you get there'. And give it no further headspace.

If they didn't pass these 'tests', I would relegate them to evening. But why are they in your top 50 if you don't really like them?

clyde5591 · 20/03/2018 19:47

As they are arriving 1-2 hours late it really won't make any difference, as you say it will be photos, drinks etc. and really up to the person to
fit/mingle in with other guests.

Not worth stressing about - relax and enjoy your very special day

PS Congratulations

ThatItIs · 20/03/2018 19:48

This wouldn’t bother me. I think it is sad that you are going to let this bother so much on your wedding day. Sometimes it’s better to try and not worry abou this type of thing.

What does your partner think?

Petalflowers · 20/03/2018 20:05

I can’t believe she asked to move the wedding!

If a guest was due to arrive late, then I think that’s fine, providing they then fit in with the flow of the day. Ie. Will blend in with the days proceedings, and not expect special consideration, or for the wedding/meal/photos to be delayed to acocmodate her. Maybe okay to keep a plate of food for her if she is arriving during the meal, but not to delay the start of the meal.

ny20005 · 20/03/2018 20:16

This would really bother me too !

Can't be bothered to get time off work to be part of my wedding but wants to have a meal & potentially disrupt the day !

Text & say you'll see them at evening reception

Teeniemiff · 20/03/2018 20:39

I wouldn’t want someone entering in the middle of the ceremony & if for whatever reason I turned up late for a wedding I would wait outside. you hear a door go & naturally attention is drawn to it. Depending on how far the ceremony is in, depends how disruptive it is.
Also I wouldn’t want to be paying for someone’s meal (some of these can be £50plus) on the off chance they’d make it.

Sennelier1 · 20/03/2018 20:45

It's not worth fussing about. Just move them to the evening reception. That way they won't steal your thunder, and will still be part of the event. When my daughter got married last year several cousins etc. just couldn't make it in time for the ceremony (in London, most of the family live in Belgium) and they just dropped in during the reception and it was great, bride and groom happy and relaxed to welcome them! Believe me, on your big day, a couple not being there for the ceremony but still joining you for the reception.... you couldn't care less 😊

Singadream · 20/03/2018 22:34

yabu

CosyLulu · 21/03/2018 05:11

A friend of dh’s texted him on our wedding day to say she would be artiving in time for the food be ause she was going to the sale at Debenhams so would miss the service.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2018 05:46

CosyLucy 😳 That’s even worse than working. How self absorbed can you get?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2018 05:46

Sorry I should have clarified. The person in this situation, who is working and making a drama out of the situation.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 21/03/2018 05:49

Meh.
Can't see the big deal. No need for any disruption. They arrive and slot right into wherever you're up to on the day. No need for any special consideration, no need for any drama. It's a non-issue really.

Unless, of course, you simply don't like them and are making it the big deal it needn't be

cambodianfoxhound · 21/03/2018 06:42

I would just let them turn up late, but not change or alter anything to accommodate them. If they miss the start of the meal, tough. If they miss drinks, tough. If they arrive half way through a speech, then they wait outside until the speech is finished before coming through. Don't pander to them. When you do the seating, sit them near to the door or something so it isn't noticeable when they arrive. If this means they don't sit next to who they want to sit next to, tough.

NorthernKnickers · 21/03/2018 07:12

@ny20005 'Can't be bothered' to take time off work? Seriously? Lovely that you obviously have a job where you can just take time off at leisure. Some (most!) people can't do that! Police officers, fire officers, military, nurses, doctors, teachers, anyone self employed where just taking a day off willy-nilly would cause them to lose clients or money. And that's just off the top of my head! There will be many more! But you stay wrapped up in your self-centred 'all about me' world 🙄

BoobleMcB · 21/03/2018 07:29

I really don't think you'd bu to ask that he comes for the evening do. After all, surely the reason people get invited to the day is for the ceremony, which he can't make. If he can't attend the ceremony what's the point in coming before the evening??

snewsname · 21/03/2018 07:35

I see it as the guest really wants to be there and was trying cackhandedly to ensure they could be, by asking about date changes.

DarkRoomDarren · 21/03/2018 07:44

I would normally say yabu as you wouldn’t even notice. Tbh I know some guests who have done this without even telling the B&G! They went to the pub instead of the church and stayed there till the meal was about to be served. Cos they confirmed atheists and have strong views on religion - so principled you know .

It’s acceptable to nip for some food or a drink between the church and the meal where I’m from. Otherwise there’s a lot of waiting around while B&G have photos etc.

Missing the church on purpose was fucking rude in the case I just mentioned though.

Anyway, based on your updates op, this guest sounds a total pain and is trying to manage your wedding. I would do as pps have said and change her invite to evening only.

MachineBee · 21/03/2018 08:29

I’d arrange for your intending-to-be-late-guest to be seated on the children’s table

Seriously, we had 62 at our reception and one couple turned late and I never noticed until I got the photos and realised they only appeared in photos from the reception onwards. They were colleagues of my DH who hadn’t been to a western wedding before and didn’t realise the timings were fixed rather than advisory.

MachineBee · 21/03/2018 08:35

Hope your special day is wonderful and try not to worry about this. At this stage no matter how calm and organised you’ve been it’s not unusual for one small thing to really get to you. With mine I totally lost it when I forgot to pick up my cake from M&S and no one could convince me they’d just charge me and refuse to give me my cake the next day. I was absolutely certain that my cake would end up being a Colin the Caterpillar cake. Which with hindsight would have been quite funny and a post wedding talking point. PS - Shortly after my melt down at 9pm M&S customer services emailed me to note I’d missed the collection time and offered me another one the next day. It was all fine.

Denise3011 · 21/03/2018 09:24

@bosswitch Absolutely perfect reply!
Please can I hire you to deal with my wedding list! X

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