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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell a wedding guest they can't turn up halfway through the day?

129 replies

MarkBorrigan · 19/03/2018 12:03

Getting married on a Friday so I know this type of thing is self inflicted. Wedding guest cannot make the ceremony time, but has informed us they will be arriving 1-2 hours after the ceremony has finished, presumably in the time in which we will be having photos, drinks, chatting to guests before the meal. So, a few AIBUs:

AIBU to be annoyed at being informed by the guest (not asked if it's ok) that they will be arriving at a different time to the one stated on the invitation. For background, said guest asked me more than once to move my wedding entirely, even suggesting 3 different months (other than the one DP and I chose) that would suit them better.

AIBU to not want the disruption of the guest arriving at this time, possibly entering the ceremony late if it runs late, and having to consider them for meal timings if it runs early (time given of their potential arrival was extremely rough).

WIBU to ask that they just come for the reception?

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 19/03/2018 14:28

A late guest needed disrupt the ceremony, I presume either a member of staff or an usher will be by the door (as is usual) and can get them to a seat without any fuss. Or request that once the ceremony starts, late guests shouldn't enter the ceremony room and will have to wait elsewhere?

Why would you have to alter meal times for 1 guest? You will have paid for all of your guests' meals by now anyway, so if they make it in time for their meal, great. If not, the other guests on the table will probably share it between them... that's what happened at our wedding when 1 guest just didn't turn up at all...

It's 1 guest, you have way more important things going on. What would you have done if they hadn't given you a heads up?

randomquestions · 19/03/2018 14:32

You'll not notice on the day. I'd leave their invitation as it is and if they're late then so be it. My friend's childcare arrangements fell through at the last minute on our wedding day, her husband didn't attend the ceremony or afternoon drinks and arrived in time for the meal. I didn't know anything about it until she mentioned it a few weeks later.

Weezol · 19/03/2018 14:34

Bosswitch has it spot on. Send her text and forget about this person.
I mean, what guest asks a bride to change her wedding date for their convenience? FTS.

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 14:35

Calm down, you won't miss them. However, if you know them to be flakey and unreliable you might want to add that for information, deposits are paid per head on the reception and if there's any issue with them making that, please can they let you know without any delay so that you can amend the booking, thank you!

takeTheRestJustForALaugh · 19/03/2018 14:37

It seems like you're looking to take offence and annoyed you'll be 1 pair of 'adoring eyes' fewer at the ceremony.

They've said they can't make it. What's the problem with them coming when they can?

Lweji · 19/03/2018 14:38

Surely almost every wedding has some late guests. At least you know this one is in advance.

Just say it's OK and thanks for letting you know.

CoffeeOrSleep · 19/03/2018 14:38

Agree, text that they are welcome to the evening reception. Just not worth the fuss.

Original poster
MarkBorrigan · 19/03/2018 18:15

Interesting how differently people think on this, thanks all! I've never planned a wedding before and I've not even been to many so I'm not sure what the norm is.

I know it'll occupy head space on the day, and the guest really is not the type to be capable of coming in quietly without a fuss. I know it's inconvenient when people get married on a Friday, the guest in question actually got married on a Tuesday, but I would never have dreamed of suggesting alternative months/days for it to be on, and I would never inform someone I'd just turn up whenever was convenient. If the guest had asked me nicely about coming later, and not previously tried to micro manage when my wedding should be, I suspect I wouldn't even be posting about this.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 19/03/2018 18:19

it sounds like you don't really want them there. it would not bother me if someone arrived during the drinks - its likely you will be caught up talking to people you like and not even notice them arrive on the day.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/03/2018 18:27

It sounds a bit petty and mean. Surely on your wedding day you'll be feeling too loved up to care about something so minor.

Bundlesmads · 19/03/2018 19:00

OP, I have rarely been as happy to see anyone as I was the late guest at my wedding. It was in a country where bridesmaids go down the aisle first and being inexperienced with that I hadn’t thought through the logistics with my train.

When me and my extremely infirm father entered the church the extremely heavy, thick church doors slammed shut on my train and me being in the process of walking forward while the train was caught in the door created a backwards momentum which meant I fell directly backwards and was about to slam the back of my head extremely hard against the doors. Fortunately DH’s cousin chose that moment to open the church doors and catch me in his arms. I think some of the congregation were a bit concerned it was going to be a graduate type moment.

It meant the wedding went ahead as planned instead of me spending the day in A&E with a head injury.

So welcome late guests with open arms just in case!

CoffeeOrSleep · 19/03/2018 19:10

Your wedding day should be as simple as possible on the day - aim for all planning and "work" to be sorted out in advance so all you have to do on the day is enjoy it.

It sounds like you will have to give effort and thought to this guest, when actually you don't like them enough to give them a lot of mental space on your wedding day. So don't.

Just say if they can't make it for the ceremony you will make them an evening guest and see them for the evening reception. Someone wanting a special treatment that you'll have to plan round should be reserved for the most important people to you and your DH2B. This guest doesn't make that grade.

Evening only. Sorted.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 19/03/2018 19:10

Friday weddings!!

BevBrook · 19/03/2018 19:21

But why will it occupy head space on the day? I genuinely don’t understand what you fear will happen, or what you will have to think about. You have your ceremony, you are chatting to people afterwards and mingling, there is someone there who wasn’t there before. How is it different to someone who leaves the room to go to the loo or smoke, then comes back in?

dayandnightshapes · 19/03/2018 19:25

I have done this.
I work in a school. I couldn't take the time off. They chose to get married on a Friday. The bride was totally fine with it.
At least they are making the effort to come.
Tell them no. You clearly don't want them there

EWAB · 19/03/2018 19:26

What do want to do OP? It is your wedding. I would imagine what impact it would have on the day and act accordingly. My brother was utterly obsessed with everyone arriving on time and staying all day. He wanted no ‘randoms’ as he so graciously called my sister’s in laws when she asked if they could bring her children for photos. Siblings’ spouses were not included but one conveniently forgot their keys so made an entrance anyway. Brother hasn’t spoken since. With 50 guests I reckon you won’t notice unless he continues his cheeky fuckery when he gets there and asks for a special meal etc. I would relegate to evening.

Grobagsforever · 19/03/2018 20:02

Your guest asked you to move your wedding? You're stressing about them turning up during photos?

You're both completely ridiculous. Let them turn up or not. Who the hell cares. You won't notice. You're marrying the love of your life.

Grobagsforever · 19/03/2018 20:05

Sorry @MarkBorrigan , I really shouldn't post on these threads. But you do need to get a grip. My wedding had three guests, no one else could make it because it was arranged at 90 minutes notice because DH was dying. So please believe me when I say this is a total non problem- enjoy your day, don't worry about anything other than the fact you're marrying the man you love. Literally nothing else matters.

MotheringMilly · 20/03/2018 17:29

I’d be amazed if you will be friends with this person in 5 years time.

To ask you to move your wedding day! They sound horrible.

chubbylover78 · 20/03/2018 17:41

I'm also getting married on a friday and some can't family can't attend because of work or kids at school so they have evening invites. If someone has accepted an invite to the whole day and they have had plenty of notice i expect them to turn up on time and not just for the food after the ceremony so I would personally tell them to not bother turning up at all so yanbu

NettleTea · 20/03/2018 17:56

is the problem that you know that when they arrive - when you may be in the middle of doing photos and other stuff - that they will suddenly want to make all the attention on them and will totally disrupt while they make their big entrance and helloos to everyone who was supposed to be involved in the photographs

WhyteKnyght · 20/03/2018 18:03

Rude to "inform" you rather than to enquire if that's OK, but I do think you're overthinking this. It's a wedding, not a performance, and the more relaxed the atmosphere is the more everyone will enjoy it. The reception is just a gathering of friends wanting to celebrate you and DH. It doesn't have to run like a military operation.

I'd simply say to the guest that that's fine, and tell them to make themselves known to the venue staff on arrival. Then instruct the staff to find a discreet moment to bring them in to the party (i.e. not at the punch line of your dad's speech or whatever) and place them at the end of a table near the doors, so that if they arrive late they can be ushered in discreetly. Hopefully they will arrive during the photographs etc anyway, where it really isn't a big deal.

Ssarah39 · 20/03/2018 18:08

I think suggesting your wedding should be held on a different day / month to suit them is rude but they are making an effort to be there even if it is for the latter part of your day. We had guests pull out on the day and sent a message on Facebook! My husband hasn't spoken to them since. Weekday weddings are difficult for most people to attend due to work commitments, I would struggle. Don't let this issue ruin your day.

NorthernKnickers · 20/03/2018 18:09

Huh? Why would it matter if they are late? Why would you even notice? People will be in and out ALL THE TIME on the day...it’ll be like Piccadilly Circus! You won’t notice or care. Are you going to ban people from going to the toilet? Getting some air? Going outside to smoke? Taking children out where needed? All of these things will happen. Reception staff will be constantly in and out. You won’t notice. Your friend will simply arrive. And you won’t notice. But even if you do...so what? I find this weird! At least they are attending and giving you warning that they will be late 🙄

lalalalyra · 20/03/2018 18:10

No-one will be permitted to enter the ceremony after it's started

Keep in mind that you can't actually bar entry to a wedding ceremony because anyone with a legal objection must be allowed entry.

OP your meal won't run early. It might run late, but absolutely no decent caterer is ever going to accidentally make 50 meals early. Let them arrive between ceremony and meal and you'll likely hardly notice them in the whirlwind of photos and congratulations.