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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell a wedding guest they can't turn up halfway through the day?

129 replies

MarkBorrigan · 19/03/2018 12:03

Getting married on a Friday so I know this type of thing is self inflicted. Wedding guest cannot make the ceremony time, but has informed us they will be arriving 1-2 hours after the ceremony has finished, presumably in the time in which we will be having photos, drinks, chatting to guests before the meal. So, a few AIBUs:

AIBU to be annoyed at being informed by the guest (not asked if it's ok) that they will be arriving at a different time to the one stated on the invitation. For background, said guest asked me more than once to move my wedding entirely, even suggesting 3 different months (other than the one DP and I chose) that would suit them better.

AIBU to not want the disruption of the guest arriving at this time, possibly entering the ceremony late if it runs late, and having to consider them for meal timings if it runs early (time given of their potential arrival was extremely rough).

WIBU to ask that they just come for the reception?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 12:26

They suggested an alternative date for your wedding that suited them better?! Really? That's some Cheeky fuckery right there!

Also, with enough notice, unless they're a brain surgeon or something, why can't they get the day off. Clearly they must be indispensible!

However, hving said all that I'd let them just crack on and not worry about it too much. You won't even notice on the day

Congrats on your wedding. Hope it goes beautifullu

Eliza9917 · 19/03/2018 12:27

What do they do that they can't have a day off?

KitKat1985 · 19/03/2018 12:28

I honestly don't think you'll notice. My wedding was a similar size and was just a whirlwind of brief exchanges all day and photographs (interspersed with eating and drinking). So I'd probably just allow it.

They do clearly have cheeky fucker tendencies though if they expected you to move your wedding date for them!

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 12:29

I think if its going to be on your mind on the wedding day then move then to evening guest. If you are fairly sure they will arrive in time for the meal though I don't see the problem. If there's a possibility they might miss the meal and you will have paid for them and partner then evening only seems fair

ZoeWashburne · 19/03/2018 12:29

I you said so yourself- this is self-inflicted. You chose to get married on a weekday. Some people just can’t leave work no matter how far in advance you give them a warning.

And honestly, if you think your wedding ceremony is going to run 2 hours late (!) or your meal 2 hours early, you really need to rethink your scheduling and plans. No wedding guest should be left sitting around for 2 hours before a ceremony. That’s insane.

You can’t disinvite (or ‘downgrade’) someone without seeming petty. It sounds like you are just frustrated with this person and want to punish them. At one point they must have been one of your closest friends/family if they were one of 50 to make the cut.

Just say “thanks for the heads up” and move along. I doubt you’ll even notice them.

Weddings are stressful- take a lesson from Elsa with the little things and ‘Let it go!’

IAmMatty · 19/03/2018 12:29

I think you're more annoyed with them really, than worried about the practicalities. If they're going to be 1-2 hours late, there's no chance they'll interrupt the ceremony. And how loud is one person walking into a room anyway?

This is the kind of thing that you'll look back on and be bemused that you cared so much about. You'll be so distracted on the day you won't even notice them arriving.

Celticrose · 19/03/2018 12:30

At our wedding I had a couple one of whom could not make it to the ceremony due to work. His wife came to the ceremony and he later joined for the meal. I have no idea at what time he arrived as I never saw him arriving. I was married mid afternoon

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 19/03/2018 12:30

What do they do that they can't have a day off?

any job where colleagues have already booked time off
teachers
doctors
nurses who couldn't find anyone to swap shifts
anyone with a client meeting they can't move
the list is endless

There are a lot less people who can take a day off during the week whenever they want that people who can!

Doubletrouble99 · 19/03/2018 12:31

I think you are over thinking this. At my nephew's wedding last year 2 sets of relatives were unableto get to the church at the beginning of the ceremony. Both because they are farmers and had to finish feeding/milking etc. before they could leave home. It was fine, they are both large families but no one was angry or annoyed.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2018 12:33

Try not to let this spoil your day. there's always one!. I don't think it will cause a big disruption if they arrive around photos or drinks time or at least one that you can ignore. But as others have suggested let them know that it's too close to the event to consider meal changes and so they will have to come prepared to take their chances. (more politely worded of course) If you are worried about this person causing a disruption, is there someone you could ask to step in and resolve things if that appears to be happening. And try not to worry too much, sometimes the thought of something causes us more stress and in the end it may not even happy. Enjoy your day, it will be wonderful.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 12:33

Perhaps it's Teresa May!. She's got some Russian business to clear up before she can get away and she doesn't trust her colleagues while she's away

Ikkeaforkinmypurse (love the name! Grin ) yes fair enough to nurses and teachers but with several month's notice, anyone can move a client meeting, surely

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2018 12:33
  • happen but hope its happy too.
HolyShet · 19/03/2018 12:34

are they generally horrible?
do you want them at your wedding?
is this is some kind of weird attention-seeking behaviour on their part or are they genuinely trying to get to be at some of your wedding because they love and care about you?
it seems quite self-important of them to announce they will just be arriving whenever they get there but what is gained by being bothered about it. Whoever is staffing the venue won't let them interrupt the ceremony and they'll just have to eat what they are given when food's being served.

GrannyGrissle · 19/03/2018 12:38

Bosswitch's first and second responses have nailed it. This person has assumed your wedding is all about them. Therefore they are a CF of the worst sort. You simply cannot expect a CF to turn up dicreetly. Also, the meal and booze are the reward for sitting through the mind numbing actual wedding bit. You can't miss the boredom but get the treats.

NoAngel1 · 19/03/2018 12:38

I would just tell them what time the meal starts and ask them to try and arrive in time for that.

ParkayFloor · 19/03/2018 12:38

The background plus them just telling you when they will be arriving would make me quite angry about the whole situation. I wouldn't trust them not to cause some disruption based on how you've described them. I would reply with:

"Thanks for letting me know in advance you can't make the ceremony. No-one will be permitted to enter the ceremony after it's started and likewise with the meal to avoid any disruption- I'm sure you get it! So you can either arrive by xxpm and you'll be seated for the meal, or arrive at xxpm for the evening reception. Let me know by Wednesday as I have to tell the venue as they'll be on the doors letting people in and I don't want them to turn you away! Thanks."

bridgetreilly · 19/03/2018 12:40

I've arrived very late for a couple of weddings (transport nightmares, not planned) and it's never ever caused any kind of disruption. In one case, I don't think the bride and groom even noticed at all. You just arrive and join in with whatever's happening at the time as if you'd been there all along. No big deal.

IAmMatty · 19/03/2018 12:40

If someone said to me that 'no-one will be permitted to enter the ceremony or meal after it's started' I'd think they were a self-important twat of the highest order. It's a wedding, it's meant to be celebratory, happy, and fun. They're not giving evidence in court.

Way to make your guests feel welcome!

RafikiIsTheBest · 19/03/2018 12:48

I wouldn't have an issue for mine if someone came between the ceremony and meal times, everyone is moving around, picture are being taken etc.
If they walked in halfway through the ceremony or meal I would be annoyed, but if they can understand that and make sure the come in at the right times (they could ring the venue or another guest if someone is willing to check) then no, I don't think it would spoil it.
IF it's more added stress you just cannot deal with then you might have to try to make a decision whether you let them (within reason) or tell them no and risk the friendship/relationship.

weasledee · 19/03/2018 12:49

Totally agree with bosswitches first comment! Smile

eddielizzard · 19/03/2018 12:49

i would say fine and send them a general itinerary ie. when the meal is served.

Isthisnameacceptable01 · 19/03/2018 12:51

Yabu and petty. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if a person had to miss the ceremony due to work.

Bluelady · 19/03/2018 12:59

I can't see the problem either. You won't notice.

Three of us arrived at a friend's wedding after the bride due to the M25 turning into a car park. We slipped discreetly into the back of the church and nobody turned a hair. Except my friend who put on her hat back to front in the rush.

LaurieMarlow · 19/03/2018 13:00

I don't think this is a big deal. If you're going to have a weekday wedding then part of that should be being a bit flexible in situations like this.

I'd be clear that you dont want them coming late to the ceremony, that you'll see them at the reception venue.

TomRavenscroft · 19/03/2018 13:02

said guest asked me more than once to move my wedding entirely, even suggesting 3 different months (other than the one DP and I chose) that would suit them better.

They're obviously doing it deliberately for attention/to piss you off.

I agree 100% with BossWitch's text. Send that.