DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

I have EDS and I just wanted to say that I think you're doing brilliantly There's no way I could cope with a job/course, let alone a baby-I've barely got out of bed this week! I think people are underestimating what a nasty condition EDS really is unsurprisingly, as most people haven't heard of it and if OPs EDS is even half as bad mine (wheelchair, morphine, spontaneously dislocating hips, about to do 3 weeks in hospital to try and get some sort of pain control back) then she should be getting a medal for managing even as well as she is, rather than a flaming.

Executive functioning issues? So you require a written list in order to do your own housework?

I have heard it all now

"I think you'll struggle to hold down a job if you don't get your health sorted."

Yes because every health condition can be "sorted" and its so helpful to someone with a chronic problem/disability to be told they need to sort it out. Some of the comments here are just ignorant on the topic.

OP: regarding yourself, do you have a referral to a specialist pain clinic? If you need pain management a specialist clinic can help develop a regime which works for you, whereas most GPs (and other specialists) are not knowledgeable in pain management.

Regarding your DP - 12hrs a night is not normal for an adult. If its not thyroid, apnoea or depression you need to keep going until he finds the solution because its miserable to live like that. What happens to him if he doesn't get 12 hrs sleep?

Your DS is your responsibility - sorry.

But the sleeping 12 hours thing??? Not normal, not healthy and also v. selfish from a POV of being a couple/family and having a proper life. How the hell is he going to have any kind of life once he's working if he needs to sleep for half of it? He's being totally unreasonable to tell you that this is just how it is and he's always been like that - he's always had a serious health issue if he needs to sleep so much. No one except tiny DC need 12 hours sleep a night.

I think you need to get proper help

1:go to the doctor and get a proper diagnosis

2:get in touch with you councils children services, you need a family worker or something.

You’re posting slot of problems, people are giving helpful solutions and you are writing them off before trying.

Honestly, and I might get flamed for this, but yes Yabu. DS is not his child he’s yours and the responsibility of getting up with him in the morning lies with you. It would be nice if he offered every once in a while but he is in no way obliged to do it

Relationships are not about obligation. In a loving relationship you do things to be kind, because you care about the person you are with, not because you are duty bound to. Mumsnet has a really weird attitude to both stepparents and grandparents when it comes to easing the mums workload.

YABU, it’s not his child

Also adult social sevices should probably be involved. You clearly are struggling and now you've got a child to look after you need to look for help

Thank you unweavedrainbow. There’s a massive lack of understanding, as evidenced by some comments on here. I’m not wheelchair bound, but I would benefit from a walking stick. I’ve put off getting one because I don’t want to be “that disabled girl” but it’s stupid of me to put that above something that’ll help.

I always feel like I have to prove myself because I had a baby young and I have pain that limits me, and it really upsets me that some people think I’m taking the piss because of it

Believe me, if I could swap this pain with someone, I would.

Your child, your responsibility. And if he's doing all the housework I think it's fair you do all the getting up with toddler. I don't think 'being shit at it' is a good enough reason for leaving it all to him. You both need to pitch it.

If you decide to have a child together I think it's reasonable to expect him to do his share of early mornings, but that's something you need to agree on before trying to conceive.

As for meds, can you take them as soon as you wake up? I also have a condition that causes chronic joint pain. My toddler's up at 5am every day so I take my meds at 5am and she watches TV for an hour while they take effect.

Good luck OP it sounds like you are doing great, keep going

When my little sister was staying I used to throw the baby on her at 11 - that would get her up . It's worth a try, might get him into a better routine.

OP: regarding yourself, do you have a referral to a specialist pain clinic? If you need pain management a specialist clinic can help develop a regime which works for you, whereas most GPs (and other specialists) are not knowledgeable in pain management.

No, I haven’t, but I’m going to see if I can get referred to one after this thread. I’d love to get this sorted. It’s in my ankles and hips, and it’s so bloody sore. I hate it.

Thank you to everyone who’s made kind suggestions. I’ll be trying to swap painkillers and get a better diagnosis, and I’ll talk to DP about sleeping at a more reasonable time if he can’t sleep for less hours.

Oppression Olympics? Are you oppressed now as well as deprived of a bit of sleep? Who is oppressing you and how?
Your 'i can't take my medicine' alone is ridiculous as my post illustrates. It is hardly 'competitive' to try to show you parenting is possible even when you have to take horrible medications. I had hoped to put into perspective for you that your situation really isn't that bad but you seem very defensive.
And yes i have it a lot worse than you do (which WAS NOT the point of my post) but wouldn't dream of whinging and whining over having to get up every day with my DC. Also i had a job lined up for when i graduated from university, as did all my university friends. What did you and your DP study that has offered such poor prospects you are both unemployed this soon after graduating?

Yes I bloody hate that there’s no routine! Pisses me off. DS is nearly 3

You don’t appear to be understanding that it is your job to sort this.

I’m not engaging with someone so rude, aggressive and judgemental. Find someone else to grind your ax at Granny.

You don’t appear to be understanding that it is your job to sort this.

My job to sort DPs lack of routine?

OP, how does your partner wake up at 1pm? Do you wake him, does he naturally wake, do you make him a coffee?

My DP used to sleep until 11am at weekends. I got into the habit of bringing him a coffee. That coffee has got slightly earlier and earlier as the years go by, and now it's coffee at 9am

I have also learnt to accept that he is a night owl where I am an early bird, so I save my "me time" stuff until the morning (whilst still watching our son) and ensure we do "us time" things in the afternoon and evening when we are both alert. Days out are planned in advance, he can get up early just doesn't like to and most outings aren't a full day anyway. I've ranted on here before about me sitting ready to go out at 8am with him still snoring!! But considering I don't have to re-settle our son between 10pm and 3am because he does it, I'm kinda grateful that he's good at nights.

Tbh OP I think it's the 12 hour sleep needed that's the issue. If he knows that, why is he staying up till 1am. Not for me time as he gets that all week when he's not working and your DS is a nursery.
That does sound like a poor excuse.
It's horrible to hear that you're in so much pain. But your OH needs his to be investigated. I refuse to have sympathy for someone who moans about their problems and does nothing about them.
Getting up at 6am everyday is the normal life of a parent. I am happy to have a lie in until 8.30 but if you're up at 6am and not rushing around and have had a full nights sleep, then tbh, as a parent, that's really good going. Obviously the pain side of things makes it different. I'm just talking from a parent perspective.

Have you got relatives around that can help? And what does your OH say when you tell him that you want a lie in once in a while? Could he get up until 6-8am and then go back to bed?

Needs it's not the OP's job to sort her DP's routine. Her DS has a routine.

@GrannyGrissle

When did you go to university?

'My job to sort DPs lack of routine?'

No, your job to sort your life for your child. If your DP chooses to live how he does, then you can either put up with it or leave, but he's an adult and his sleep issues are for him to correct or not.

It’s your DS so I think you should be the one getting up and seeing to him but I understand the frustration of having a partner that sleeps so much, o couldn’t put up with it as I am up at 7am every day, most of the days gone by the time he’s getting up. It does sound like he maybe depressed, once you get into a poor sleep pattern it’s quite hard to change it so I don’t think it’s something that will be solved quickly.

Please push for further diagnosis - long term paracetamol and codeine use is not healthy at all -
your liver can be damaged even if you’re within the paracetamol doses limits if you take it long term.
Paracetamol can cause rebound pain
Codeine is powerfully addictive and you build tolerance v quickly.

I’ve had SPD and I understand how awful it is (mine didn’t go after birth and I had rheumatic type issues as well while BF.)

You need a referral to deal with the root cause of the pain. Please push for that.

Dp, well he needs to get his health looked at too. And if he genuinely needs 12 hours a night he needs to be in bed by 7 if he’s ever going to have a job.

I have a feeling that whatever the Dr says about your DP’s thyroid etc, he’s still going to want 12 hours sleep. To be honest you sound like you need some more support. And some sleep training for your DC

There’s a massive lack of understanding, as evidenced by some comments on here
With all due respect op, many of us won't know the extent of your disability unless you explain in a bit more detail than you initially did. I know a little of how debilitating joint problems /fatigue etc can be (not as bad as yours) with a probable fibro flare up during a long period of stress recently. As you probably know, it's difficult to get a diagnosis, but everything else seemed to be ruled out. Unfortunately at the time, dh was working away for 6 months so I had to motor on looking after the two DC myself. No-one knew how much pain I struggled with because I didn't give them details. I think that's the same here with our perceived lack of understanding.