DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[fleshmarketclose]

Dd at 24 has ankylosing spondylitis and so is on heavy duty painkillers including slow release morphine and oramorph. They do make her drowsy but she has to work and she has to drive to work and she has to take more medication in order to be able to work. She doesn't really have a choice but to power on through the drowsiness. Have you tried keeping active after you have taken the meds,if dd sat down she'd be dropping asleep and so she keeps herself busy and the drowsiness wears off.

[yawningyoni]

They can test for fibromyalgia, ask for a referral to a specialist

[Areyousureaboutthat]

Yes I bloody hate that there’s no routine! Pisses me off. DS is nearly 3.
Why no routine? Are you talking about your dp sleep patterns or your DS sleep patterns?

[WombatChocolate]

Do you have friends? Are they working?
I'm wondering if you are graduates or have gained some other qualification which isn't a great help for getting work. Your lifestyle doesn't sound like that of young graduates - who are usually go-getting and pushing forward, not wanting to lie in bed. Can you describe the background more?

[IWantALieIn]

Thanks bobo. The more I think about it, the more I agree it’s the general attitude of not getting up that’s the problem rather than the specific mornings. Like you say it’s the atmosphere.

[LittleBearPad]

When you’re on your course who is looking after DS. You said he’s only in nursery two days a week.

[IWantALieIn]

Why no routine? Are you talking about your dp sleep patterns or your DS sleep patterns?

DPs sleep. DS has a routine.

[IWantALieIn]

When you’re on your course who is looking after DS. You said he’s only in nursery two days a week.

Mum has him on the day he’s not in nursery, my course is 3 days I have him on the two.

[jlburgess]

Wow, I've read about mumsnet being a hornet's nest but this is something else. I came on here to look for advice on kitchens and ended up signing up because I wanted to reply to the OP. I think you deserve some credit for coming on here and opening yourself up for an awful lot of criticism, as that seems to be the theme here.

It sounds like you have put yourself through higher education, and are now coming out of the other side and job-hunting, dealing with chronic pain and a partner who also has medical problems. That would be difficult for many people, but you have a young child too. That is a difficult and complex situation.

Your partner has two serious untreated health conditions, does what he can, and is hopefully going to get some treatment. However, I noted that he mentioned his sleep problems started before the depression. It can be cause AND effect - having a bad routine can make you feel depressed, having depression can affect your sleep routine. He may have an actual circadian rhythm disorder, OR he is a certain type of sleeper (otherwise known as an "evening person"!). Yes, treating his health problems will hopefully help, but research into sleep patterns has shown that they are incredibly resistant to change. If he is an evening person, you will never turn him into a morning person (although his total needed duration of sleep may decrease with treatment). It isn't about "growing up", it's about biology, and "evening people" often take jobs in hospitality or night shifts that fit with their pattern.

Likewise, you should ignore comments about "growing up" from people who have never had chronic pain. Thanks for sharing your potential diagnoses - I hope you have had the right referrals from your GP, but a diagnosis of Ehler's Danlos is not clear cut and even a consultant may not be able to tell you if you definitively have it or not. If you have fibromyalgia (better formulated as chronic pain), it is certainly not a good idea to be on so many opiates so young. As you have identified, you have tried many already but it is still there - opiates treat pain caused by damage to organs, but they do not treat pain caused by a malfunction in your nervous system. It is a hard road to come off these medications and you shouldn't do it without medical supervision, and now doesn't sound like the right time when you have so many other stresses. But it is something to think about for the future.

Overall, in a personal capacity, I would say let your partner have his weekend lie-in. Things may change soon, and it sounds like they will, but you obviously love him and admire him in other ways that make it worth it :-)

Disclaimer: yes I am medically qualified. But always visit your GP.

[Chewbecca]

I think this whole situation will work itself out when you are both working and in a 'normal' routine.

I'm not sure I would force the issue in the meantime.

[MarthasGinYard]

'We’ve both recently finished university (I had DS young), starting work soon.'

Doesn't necessarily equate to much these days.

[bananasandwicheseveryday]

An underactive thyroid can definitely cause extreme fatigue and depression. There are many signs which you would not always link to it unless you knew already. Many assume that weight gain is the main symptom, but there are actually many. DH is currently becoming more fatigued and mildly depressed - a sure sign that his thyroid meds need checking and probably adjusting. I don't expect to see him much before 1pm. At its worst, he was sleeping up to 18 hours a day. look here for more information.

Hopefully, once he is sorted, you'll be in a better position to sort out the other issues.
Good luck.

[IWantALieIn]

jlburgess thank you for the kind reply. I will look into pushing a diagnosis and further tests.

[Isadora666]

Depends on what the agreement is. When DP moved in with me and DS, we agreed that he take equal responsibility and pulled his weight 50/50 for DS, which he does. But this was agreed beforehand and was a dealbreaker for me for him to live with us. You need to sit down and properly agree some ground rules you both agree with otherwise your future will just be full of conflict and resentment.

[boboismylove]

Also I think its fair to give your DP time to sort himself out, he sounds nice. But if this continues, its really not a great environment to bring up a child in.

[LittleOwl153]

EDS is a difficult,t one, and not one that the doctors can readily deal with as it's not that common. Get yourself in to the hypermobility association website and the Facebook group's there are lots of folks there with the experience to tell you tricks to try and things to ask your gp about. Sadly there is no 'test' unless it is genetic.

Have you talked to nursery/your health visitor about your ds sleep? I would have thought not sleeping through at 3 has to be unusual (though I appreciate not unheard of).you also need to plan some 'safe spaces' for your son. My 4yr old would be fine watching tv if I lay on the sofa so this would enable you to take your meds.

[IWantALieIn]

DP is lovely. He’s been there for me during my own depression, which gets quite bad (constantly feeling trapped by my own body makes me feel like shit), and he looks after me. I probably am BU because I’m overtired.

[ShiftyMcGifty]

“It isn't the amount of sleep, it is the different schedules that is the problem.”

^^Totally agree with the above.

Does he have a say in parenting and discipline? Does he have a say in choices you make for your child?

If he’s got input into raising him, then he should do equal parenting. If he doesn’t, then I agree with the posters who point out it’s not his child and therefore he can chose not to share the responsibility.

Even though that’s what people who love and respect each other would do for one another

[Cornettoninja]

Well either you both make the commitment to adjust your lifestyles to accomadate dc, work and general life or you don't.

I appreciate your dp appears to have undiagnosed health issues but the brutal reality is tough tits. There's no magic pill for staying awake till 1am the thinking it's weird you want to sleep till the next afternoon. Sorry but I find it incredulous you're both so eagerly believing that's due to health factors outside any control.

As a final point you owe it to your son to get a proper diagnosis and treatment. ED can be hereditary and a positive family history could accelerate diagnosis and treatment.

[FinallyHere]

then sleeping until 1pm? No.

You know that there are people who work shifts, don't you? Some through choice, others because the work is there 4/7. If he can earn a living around his sleep preferences, then why not?

To be fair, OP, I wouldn't plan to have another DC with him. Hope you are taking precautions.

[IThinkThatsWeird]

It does sound as though you are both struggling. Feeling ill or being in pain all the time must be hard especially with a toddler about. I’m on the fence with whether it’s your responsibility because it’s your child or whether you should both be responsible.

I’m also curious why you say you are 'shit' at housework? Housework isn’t complicated. Do you mean you can’t be bothered doing it because your partner will do it for you? If so then that’s immature and lazy and I think you should do it. If you can’t do it because of your health then that’s obviously a different matter.

How do you both do for other health basics? Do you both get some exercise? Do you eat well? What about smoking, drugs or being overweight/underweight?

[IWantALieIn]

I’m also curious why you say you are 'shit' at housework? Housework isn’t complicated. Do you mean you can’t be bothered doing it because your partner will do it for you? If so then that’s immature and lazy and I think you should do it. If you can’t do it because of your health then that’s obviously a different matter.

I have executive functioning issues, so I struggle to organise in my head what needs doing when and get overwhelmed. I can do it if someone gives me clear, written instructions. Other parts are hard because of my joints, like changing the quilts, my arms are really sore after it and I drop a lot of things I’m carrying because my arms seem to spasm. I also get fatigued a lot, which I’ve been told is linked to the joints.

Neither of us smoke, we rarely drink and we’re both fairly slim but healthy weight. We’re a bit shit with food because both of us feel incredibly depressed, but we aren’t too bad.

[expatinscotland]

'Your child, your responsibilities, you get up. He already does all cleaning because you’re crap at ithmm? Why don’t you work?'

You don't work, he does all the housework, he gets up in the night with your toddler, but you want him to also get up at 6, too, so you can have a lie-in. Neither one of you sounds mature enough to be parents, but that's by the by in your case because you have a child.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

IWant I looked after 2 DC under 4 for 24 hours when I had flu, I sat on a chair trying not to fall asleep and watched them play. It was a struggle, but it was doable.

[expatinscotland]

What if he gets a shift work job? How did you cope when you had no boyfriend?