to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

And FYI no woman can get her pre-baby body back, ever.

there are enough women in the world sharing photos proving that this is a complete and utter lie, and you don't even need plastic surgery!

There are many women who actually look better after having a baby, because they took the time to tone up and got a lot fitter than when younger.

I think what's become very clear is for some women if they put on a lot of weight and their partner doesn't find them as attractive then the man must never, ever tell them, in fact if she questions him he must lie and he must inform her it's him, even blame ED, if required, but at no stage can he tell her she got fat and he isn't feeling it anymore. He must always say she's amazing and he isn't in awe of her.

As some PPs have pointed out, if your partner lies on the sofa all day, refuses to move and mainlines shortbread and ends up at 20 stone, it's more understandable to have something to say about their weight gain. Even then I think using "aesthetically pleasing" would be horribly rude and demeaning, but I can see how someone might want to raise the issue.

After what has happened to OP, it's beyond insensitive and out the other side. She hasn't in any sense given up bothering about her appearance or taking care of herself. She's been taking care of herself absolutely as well as possible given a shocking turn of events that would bring most of us to our knees. Yes he should be in awe of her.

there are enough women in the world sharing photos proving that this is a complete and utter lie, and you don't even need plastic surgery!

Oh goodness how shallow does it get. Are you even aware what your body is?

For better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I've been with DH since the mid 80's, married 26 years. I'm here to say, nobody stays exactly the same over 30+ years. If you get married for the long haul, you are both going to change. You don't become old overnight.

I've also had a total hysterectomy and some pretty devastating life events, loss of a child to cancer, severely disabled son. My DH tells me I'm gorgeous every day, even though I'm far from it. He's sincere, but I think 100% of the population would disagree with him, if they saw me naked. I'm not the skinny little waif he met, far from it.

It was a really hurtful thing to say. Marriages are built on more than you gaining weight.

For others, like myself, we would rather he was honest, than lied through his teeth

I rather doubt it. If he said you’re thick as pigshit, bore me to death and I always sigh when you turn up as I know your contribution will irrelevant. You might not be so chuffed.

This thread pretty much sums up how ridiculously poor relationship advice on MN has become. One extreme if it's advice to a man, the other if it's advice to a women.

your dh is the one being unreasonable here - totally. sounds like your doing great and he needs a bit of a reality check.
is he the same as he was even a few years ago? has he aged well - no lines or the beginning of a bit of a belly , happy and carefree, pleasing to your eye every single day? i very much doubt it!

'there are enough women in the world sharing photos proving that this is a complete and utter lie, and you don't even need plastic surgery!

There are many women who actually look better after having a baby, because they took the time to tone up and got a lot fitter than when younger.'

I was an extreme athlete when I was younger. No kids, of course, just work and doing sport nearly every spare moment I had.

I'm now closer to 50 than 40, and I've had 3 children. I'm still fit, but there's no way on earth I'll ever look like that 25-year-old again.

Nowt to do with 'toning up' and mostly due to the fact that everything's that good bit older.

Oh, and the menopause, it causes some pretty serious changes, especially if, like the OP, it's a sudden one due to surgery.

I imagine it'd be pretty hard for the OP to follow a fitness regime when she was having major op after op.

Idontdowindows

it's not being shallow that stating facts! I hate this nonsense about women having to look flabby and mumsy when they have children, what's that all about?

Some of us don't want to change, and why should we? Some of us do have to work at it harder than others, I give you that.

There's nothing more hateful towards women than pretending that things are over for them because they had a kid. What a lot of rubbish.

Perhaps he also a bit scarred by what you have been through. If my other half had been through several major operations on his prostrate or something, I'd be a bit nervous getting back into it.
Then as time goes on abstinence gets to be a habit really.
I don't know how or what a different answer he could have given you.He said he loved and fancied you.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs

I've fallen in love with you OP just from this (and I'm a heterosexual woman). You're amazing.

I think what you should do at the moment, though, is make sure you don't put anymore weight on, for your own wellbeing.

As for you husband, I don't think you need any advice, you sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on, but I'm so sorry he said such a hurtful thing.

I'm still fit, but there's no way on earth I'll ever look like that 25-year-old again.
I am not saying that you will look as young, and that we don't age, but the actual fit look can be pretty much the same.

Just look around you, I have many friends who look just as good as they did before. They are not insta-celebrities, just normal women.

I am not pretending that it happens overnight either, for some of us it takes time.

Well when it comes to sexual attraction there isn't much people can do to help this. He has been treating you in a loving way it seems you only noticed because of his lack of interest in sex which sadly is because of the lack of attraction he feels.

What do people expect him to do?
Start taking viagra secretly and forcing himself to have sex?

I think you’re trying hard to rationalise and intellectualise this (which is obviously an amazing skill you have and has helped you come through so much) but the fact is, it’s an emotional wound.

Something has been lost by him saying that and as you say he cannot unsay it.

He could have said, ‘if I’m honest I preferred it when you were thin but I’ll always think you’re drop dread gorgeous’.

That would have made his point, and still hurt, but not been cruel. He was actively cruel.

Sorry OP. You don’t have to try to tidy this up for him. He has to fix it. He has a lot of work to do. Otherwise he will know, when you eventually split up, that everything can be traced back to the moment he said those hurtful words.

Some of us don't want to change, and why should we?

Oh boy are you in for a surprise.

My friends are late 40s, while they generally look around 10 years younger than they are, they don’t and will not look 25 again.

Nor are their bodies the same.

The ideas that bodies have to be the same as before childbirth is based on fear and misogyny. A non-acceptance and respect for the changes to that come with childbearing. And a general lack of value for women if they’re not young, tight pre-birth sex objects.

I am not saying that you will look as young, and that we don't age, but the actual fit look can be pretty much the same.

Well no. The fit look may last for a while but a 60 year old body will never look like a 20 or 30 year old fit body. The fact is that we do all change as we get older and (as in OPs case) there can be other reasons for a change in body shape.

'I am not saying that you will look as young, and that we don't age, but the actual fit look can be pretty much the same.'

Haahaahaa! You are very funny.

'Just look around you, I have many friends who look just as good as they did before. They are not insta-celebrities, just normal women.'

I have many friends, too, most in my age range 45-55. They look like normal women indeed. Normal woman who have had children and/or gone through the menopause, and not like they did when they were much younger because time moves things along.

Some don't look the same at all, I have one cousin who lost a leg and has some disfigurement from a car accident. Her partner's changed in looks, too, over the 12 years they've been together. But they're still in love and happy, they love each other for who they are.

How long have you been together?
Is your husband intelligent enough to understand that we all change as we age and you’re no longer the 17 he first spotted across a crowded nightclub!
Has he changed (I’m sure he would have if only a little)

A couple of ‘gentle’ reminders that your body has grown a baby, squeezed that baby out and probably fed that baby, so of course your not the woman he first met. I’m angry on your behalf that he even thinks it’s worth mentioning and if my DH had said that to me I’d be pointing out ever grey hair, nose hair and crows feet lines as they appear.

Idontdowindows
What's do you mean by Oh boy are you in for a surprise.?
I see what I look like after my babies, and even my c-section scars are pretty much invisible. I see women like my mother and grand-mothers after menopause. I am aware we do age, and we change, but we really don't have to change that much if we don't want to and put some effort.

I am more worried about my hair, because unless I put extensions in, there's pretty much nothing i can do to keep my hair as young and healthy as it was. My body on the other hand can be maintained with diet and exercise.

*there are enough women in the world sharing photos proving that this is a complete and utter lie, and you don't even need plastic surgery!

There are many women who actually look better after having a baby, because they took the time to tone up and got a lot fitter than when younger.*

Really? Are the photos they post completely unphotoshopped then? So you can't see any stretch marks? Do they post naked photos of their breasts and vulva? Your comment is pure stupidity.

'but we really don't have to change that much if we don't want to and put some effort.'

Yeah, yeah, we change. No matter how much fake hair you stick on.

And again, I'd imagine exercise might have been off the cards for the OP who had major ops on her abdomen and might still be painful or much compromised.

But, hey, she's just not making an effort.

So now we're comparing women after childbirth to war veterans

AngelsSins
are you trying to make yourself feel better? My friends are not photoshopped when we go on the beach together, my sister who had 5 kids looks just as good as she did at 20, I have many examples of normal bog-standard women who decided to stay in shape even with a full time job and a family.

Why are you so vile? Any my vagina hasn't changed after having babies, that's the beauty of c-section if you want to be that crass.