to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

She probably had other things on her mind than her hair, too.

It is a very shitty thing to say. You have been through so much and hearing that is hardly helpful.

I speak as someone who a number of people would not find aesthetically pleasing. I too have had it exacerbated by various medical issues. I have had a variety of things said to and about me in the past. It is hurtful, and I refuse to judge people on how they look because I am aware of how much damage it can do to them, just as it has to me.

We all have thoughts that we know we shouldn't utter. Things occasionally slip out and most normal and caring people immediately regret that.

Perhaps this was one of those things, he regrets it and will hopefully learn from it having realised just how shallow it makes him seem. Or perhaps he really is that shallow? Only you know him well enough to decide which it is, but you need to be certain.

You are amazing. You have come through so much and are doing very well. What his regrettable comment doesn't take account of is that from the position you were in just after your baby was born it takes time to make such progress. Small steps, slowly but surely. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I'd be tempted to drop these conversations for now if he is going to be so brutal with his "honesty". He needs to recognise how lucky you all are that you and your DD survived, and also that the trauma (which you bore the brunt of) has rendered things quite fragile for some time yet.

Either that or the conversations are only had in the context of a counselling session.

ikeepaforkinmypurse I think the assumption that I have 'given up' or am not prepared to work hard is a little offensive tbh. Well done you for being in great shape. I don't doubt it takes hard work and commitment. I think you may underestimate the broader impacts that things like poor mental health and sudden onset premature menopause have.

Or maybe my husband should have married you.

are you trying to make yourself feel better?

Well I think it’s you who’s trying to make yourself feel better.

Sorry, I meant your DS.

creepy, the natural menopause/perimenopause is wrecking havoc on me, so I can only imagine how bad a sudden one is - you have my sympathies.

I can slather my skin in oil and it'll be dry in 10 minutes.

Oh, and wrinkles, dry skin and spots. WTF?

Genes have a lot to do with how you'll look as you age, though obviously diet and exercise play a part too, but some people do have lucky genes.

"How you look" is one area of your life. If the OP out as much effort into this area as a pp is suggesting, it would have to be at the expense of something else -her job, time with child, her interests.
Maybe she doesn't want to be a one-dimesional being.

OP one of my best friends had premature menopause in her late 20s. She went up a couple of dress sizes, having been skinny all her life, and she can’t have kids.

The latter massively outweighed the former as a concern, naturally.

It’s really tough, I entirely sympathise and I’m sorry about your arse of a husband.

what was he hoping to achieve by sharing this 'revelation' with you OP ...

My body looks the same as pre-child. I was fat then and I'm fat now

I wondered if he was traumatised by the birth and you nearly dying but hasn't been able to voice it. Saying that you aren't aesthetically pleasing could be how he's worked out his feelings rather than accepting the fear of how ill you were. Or he's a shallow man. Your body is amazing.

ok OP. He loes you. you'll know best if he intentionally cut you down..or if his remark was entirely thoughtless which may qualify as no actual thought given to potential damage. Make it clear. its an irreversible statement. however the next move and way forward is do-able if...you are strong enough to no be haunted /heid beastied or damaged irreprebly. get back to the actual issue of "sexless existance isnt an option" hand it back to him.he can get involved or fuck off n you'll get it elsewhere. it is a big deal.because you are.

My DH and I both put on 3st or more over time. I still fancied him, but he stopped fancying me. Even though we've both now lost the weight (or most of it ) I do find it hard to forgive him for his lack of interest. It really hurt. I was aware in the early days of our relationship that he was a bit over-invested in the way I looked, but I ignored those warning signals, because I really loved him.

It's complicated though - if I'm entirely frank, his waning interest possibly helped me get back on track, and he's really encouraging about my valiant attempts to get fit again.

It's not a nice thing to hear, and it does mean my DH (and OP's) is not perfect. But, you know, neither am I. And he accepts my many flaws. Just not my big arse

OP, the problem with this sort of "honesty", if that is what your DH would want to call it, is that once it is out and you have hurt someone's feelings with it you cannot unsay it. No matter how much you immediately regret it or how hard you try to put some sort of a spin on it.

It was said. The damage was done. He can't unsay it and you can't unhear it.

Give it time. Don't let it set back the great progress you have made. Time and his actions will make clear how much he regrets it, and whether or not he has learned a lesson.

I wouldn't feel safe with this person any more.

What if, you'd had a massive accident and been left with life changing injuries.

Most people would hope that their life partners would be there for them in a situation like that.
If he can't support you after what you've been through because of a bit of weight, how can you trust him.
By the way, you sound amazing! I would be carefully considering if this relationship is for me, in your position.

It is a shit thing to say.
It's not going to make you feel very good is it? Sounds like you've had a really tough time OP.

My own DH says similar things to me, Ive had PND since DD was born two years ago and although I've actually lost a significant amount of weight through being so unwell and am now underweight I have stopped bothering with my hair and clothes so much. DH told me the other week that my hair looks dreadful and needed colouring. Then he said 'actually it's a waste of money, you can roll a piece of shit in glitter but it's still a piece of shit'
I've also struggled just to keep myself functioning on a day to day basis and I've had to drag myself the last two years.

I don't think it was an ok thing for your DH to say and how he phrased it wasn't very kind either.

And what is wrong with ageing? Looking older? It’s not a mortal sin huh? But of course, how very dare we!

Age, or surgery, or growing a human, or almost dying.

Shit! Never mind the above. Just don’t you dare look older.

OP you fucking rock. And I hope you’re not too sad. And I really, really hope you’re not planning ways to please him x

Well he's outed himself as a ruthless, heartless, shallow fucker hasn't he. Not very pleasing at all.
Tell him coldly that since the lines of communication are now wide open and well and truly honest, you haven't found that he inspires attraction for some time. You hadn't had the heart to say, as his body hasn't been through any kind of turmoil at all, or provided you with a child. But thought he would appreciate your frank opinion.

YANBU-I think that this would be a deal-breaker for me. If he can't see how amazingly well you have done in what sound to have been incredibly tough circumstances, celebrate that and adore you for it, he doesn't deserve to be with you. It doesn't sound like he really knows the meaning of love.

Fwiw I donly think he's traumatised by what happened. To some extent anyway. His way of dealing with that is to not think about it. This hasn't worked well for me so getting therapy has been a massive game changer. I think me being so much better has enabled him to talk more about his experience.

Maybe this could be a good thing and the start of something better rather than the end of something. Or maybe i'my trying to kid myself that myou DH isn'the a bit crap.

I do think. Clearly typing isn't my strength.

I'm starting to get worried that I am lying to my Husband.
Occasionally I will make a show of "admiring" him...you know, commenting on part of his body favourably or saying a playful "phwoar" whilst passing him when he is in the shower...or whatever.
It's not to pander to a male ego, he isn't arrogant or vain. I watch his demeanour change and his happiness level increases slightly. He feels valued for a minute or so, feels more confident and noticed.
BUT
To be honest, he isn't what he used to be and maybe his "cute rear" isn't actually that cute. So it is a little white lie. Because that's what we do in loving partnerships, we build each other up, show each other we value each other and make each other feel wanted.

But maybe I am just a liar. Maybe I should tell the truth...

Waiting - that is shocking Your H deserved the floor wiping with him after that remark. What a prick. How dare he. I am genuinely outraged on your behalf. "A piece of shit"... I've read some things on MN over the years but I think in the kind of scenario you describe, that is one of the most disrespectful. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Well of course he can’t help it if he no longer finds the op attractive because she is older and has had a child and her body has changed but if you get married (presumably the aim of that being to have a life partner) then you need to accept that they will become less aesthetically pleasing as time passes. When you see pictures of elderly people celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary they don’t look aesthetically pleasing do they? What on earth did the ops dh expect? If looks are that important to him then he should have just remained a bachelor flitting from 20 something to 20 something when they start to lose their looks. Until he is no longer aesthetically pleasing enough for anyone to want him (unless he’s spectacularly rich of course).
But no he made a life long commitment to one person. Whose appearance is going to change. So I stick by what I first said. The man is an absolute thundercunt.