to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

Not sure if this is helpful but hopefully. I’m a fair bit older and my husband also had issues with me at your age which I think, but don’t know, were because of him seeing me give birth.
We had a lot of counselling and unfortunately the issues were never resolved.
We are still together and I think there is a big chasm between sexual desire and marriage/romantic love.
As a woman I have often not understood this.

That's a shitty thing to say. You sound amazing. Please don't let his comment set you off track. Keep doing what you are doing. Have a think if you can move on from this comment. I think he'll regret saying that. Sending you all good wishes. Amazing lady.

I can't help wondering how 'aesthetically pleasing' he is?

What does this even mean? It's a pretty shallow way of thinking. You've gone through hell to give him a child. You're allowed a little slack!

YANBU

thats absolutely crushing. it cant be dressed up or altered to be softer.i dont think theres any positivity in his honesty. The positives are happy healthy kid,good pt job,begining to etch out a settled environment.34 is.(.an enviable age. ).And,yeah,way to soon to give up on intamicy. I think he s gonna have to move hell n high water to be worth keeping around,what a heartless dickhead thing to say.9am touchy as fuck about my weight-obviously)

just so some shallow arse can fix his erectile dysfunction. Uhuh

Uhuh. No-one suggests he gets on a treadmill to fix his shallowness.

Nope, women must run like a hamster/slave to fulfil her partner’s demands.

@tatianalarina

If he were really honest he would say ‘I’m a shallow man, what my wife looks like is very important to me. I only fancy thin women. I don’t respect you enough as a person not to save your feelings on this. I am telling you because I am angry that I am not getting enough sex and I blame you. I don’t care that your weight gain is as a result of devastating medical problems, the main issue for me is that I want to get laid, and not with you.’

All of this ^.

@Lethaldrizzle

I often dont always find my dh attractive, especially when he's slumped on the sofa, belly hanging out, hand down his trousers scratching his balls, drinking beer with the other hand. Does that make me 'a shallow cunt' to quote an earlier op, or am I just experiencing the normal ebb and flow of desire in a long term relationship

Well done, you win the thread award for SPECTACULARLY missing the point.

Jesus fucking wept!

What a shitty thing to say. I feel hurt for you,,
So he would only have sex with you if you had a perfect body,,? Thats so shallow.
If you decide to get fitter do it for yourself..not for him the tosser

No. You marry someone “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer etc.” by saying that, he has broken his wedding vows. You are absolutely right to feel upset, especially after the trials you’ve been through and the sacrifice you have made to move to a different part of the country and away from your support network for his sake. He’s very selfish and ungrateful, but you sound like a wonderful person.

There's something horrible about the use of those words 'aesthetically pleasing' - perhaps he was trying to soften it but it's worse - sounds so cold and clinical and critical.

Does he work in an area where there's a heavy emphasis on looks? That's the sort of words I would expect from someone who works in the fitness industry or fashion.

Even if you make yourself lose weight it's quite possible he'll find some other thing about you is aesthetically not up to his standards so you'll always be chasing his approval.

You're young and you deserve someone loving and properly sexual - i.e. who's attraction to you isn't just based on what you look like.

Things like this just prove my suspicion that most, if not all, men are superficial shallow dicks. It doesn't matter what you do for them and their children, all they want is a pair of perky tits and a tight little butt to play with.
I used to be size 8 twelve years ago and now I'm size 12. My husband told me recently how I am so fat and disgusting and twice the size I used to be. All because I am tired of providing for him and the children while he sits on his skinny ass all day for months at a time.
Can you tell I'm angry at and resentful of all men? MN only fuels my hatred...

What a horrible and shallow thing to say to you. You sound lovely and I think it sounds like you can do better x

Things like this just prove my suspicion that most, if not all, men are superficial shallow dicks.

stop with that sexist crap. You can love someone, stay with them, care for them, you can't force yourself to still find them sexually attractive when they have made no effort about their physical appearance.

It's not a "man vs women" thing, it's individual. As much as I love my DH< frankly when he was lying in a hospital bed the last thing on my mind was sexual attraction! I don't care about his scars, they don't change his physical appearance, I would very much care if he was becoming overweight, and I can't say that being in recovery made him "sexy". It doesn't mean I didn't love him as much or even more than before.

It sounds like a cruel thing to say, but if it came about because you were discussing lack of sex, I can understand why he told you.

Sexual desire isn't something you can or should fake. If he finds your weight a turn off I don't see how he can change that. It's sad but not his fault. He hasn't said he doesn't love you or appreciate the physical sacrifices you made to give him a child. Just that your current size doesn't excite him physically. Sexual desire isn't something that happens automatically when you love and appreciate someone (though it would be nice if it did!)

I think you have 2 options; either leave him and find someone who loves you the way you are. Or focus on getting fit and losing excess weight. A personal trainer can help you get your pre baby body back, if that's what you want.

A personal trainer can help you get your pre baby body back, if that's what you want.

LOL. Have you even read her post?

And FYI no woman can get her pre-baby body back, ever. A woman's body is irrevocably changed from pregnancy and if you add on what OP has had to go through, your suggestion is ludicrous.

Sexual desire isn't something you can or should fake. If he finds your weight a turn off I don't see how he can change that.

He can change that by trying harder not to be a shallow knob.

they have made no effort about their physical appearance

Where does OP say that? On the contrary she says she dresses well. So she clearly takes care with her appearance.

Or focus on getting fit and losing excess weight

No guarantee that that will make any difference. Plus she will always know that his attraction to he is predicated primarily on her physical appearance.

My sister went from size 8-10 to size 14-16 after having 3 kids and is now back to a size 12. Through all of that her DH has always massively fancied her, loved her and been very proud of her. Because he is attracted to who she is not purely what she looks like. And he’s not a shallow knob.

Xpost with dungeon - snap!

Surely sex isn't just about animal-based physical stuff, sexual desire and drive. In a marriage, it's about intimacy, affection and closeness with someone you love, isn't it?

God almighty, some of these posts. Abusive names for him, saying he's broken his marriage vows. It's shocking the sheer anger some posters feel at the thought of their partner articulating it to them.

I think what's become very clear is for some women if they put on a lot of weight and their partner doesn't find them as attractive then the man must never, ever tell them, in fact if she questions him he must lie and he must inform her it's him, even blame ED, if required, but at no stage can he tell her she got fat and he isn't feeling it anymore. He must always say she's amazing and he isn't in awe of her.

For others, like myself, we would rather he was honest, than lied through his teeth.

He must always say she's amazing and he isn't in awe of her.

why would ANYONE be with someone who DOESN'T think they're amazing?

The trouble with "aesthetically pleasing" for me is that it makes some very dubious assumptions. That people women should be "aesthetically pleasing" and that making him "pleased" with your appearance is something OP owes him.

It would come across as fucking rude in any context, but after what the OP has been through it's just shocking. It's as if you said to a friend who's been in a horrific car accident and has scarring and lost a limb, "I still love you, but I don't find you so aesthetically pleasing now."

I mean even if in some technical sense it may be true that he feels that way (though it doesn't say great things about him that that's what he's focusing on), how could anyone say that to someone whose feelings they care about?

I think I’d just become incredibly petty and do everything I could to lose weight and look fantastic whilst withholding sex. Then when he was pretty much begging me for it I’d say that I’d gone off him as he was no longer ‘aesthetically plleasing’ I am s yotal bitch though abs you sound far nicer than me.

Thanks for being so kind.

He's apologised this morning and said that it's not a big thing for him. Apparently he never thinks "I wish she'd lose some weight". He told me several times that he loves me.

So i'm a bit confused. I don't know if I believe him. I told him i'm hurt and disappointed. I pointed out that the tragedy is I could lose half my body weight but he can never un say that.