to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

So sorry op that you’ve discovered that your husband is a shallow cunt.
Attraction is important in a relationship but if you expect your partner to maintain the appearance they had in their twenties after pregnancy and aging then you are going to be consistently disappointed. Your husband may not have changed as much physically but his attitude is deeply unattractive. Unless you want to spend your life dieting and then moving on to Botox, fillers and face lifts to keep your husband happy I would ltb and find someone less focussed on physical appearance.

Your marriage has been through a truly traumatic and difficult couple of years and also had a new child added to the dynamic. It’s quite possible that your dh has also suffered psychologically to some extent. He may be low level depressed too.

In other words there are many reasons why his libido may be loewered and he may not be fully conscious of those reasons. Your physical appearance is a tangible reason he can use but is almost certainly not the whole reason at all.

Most young men are very keen to have sex with their wives whom they love despite a bit of weight gain. You are having talking therapy so I suggest you bring this topic up there and explore whether he might also benefit from some help.

But YANBU, it wasn’t a nice thing to say even if you were both trying to be honest.

I find my husband attractive for lots of reasons - he does silly dances with us and makes us all join in, he uses silly words and makes up stories, he sometimes cooks great food, we have great cuddles and chats. He is kind and helpful (He also is a pain in the bum at times ) but what I mean is that attractiveness (for me anyway) is so much more
This is it for me. My Husband is older now, we both are, and a bit heavier with grey but much less hair. I find his kindness and humour really sexy. I'm just so glad that we can enjoy each other without the pressures of looking perfect.

What an unkind thing to say And the fact that he attempted to dress it up with fancy words makes me even more on your behalf. You sound so bright and lovely and spirited, and he is incredibly fortunate to have you. Have you considered showing him your OP as that says it all, really? So pleased for you that the counselling has been helpful and that you're making headway with making friends in the new area. You deserve good things!!!

I'm a bit confused as to how someone can say they fancy someone but don't find them aesthetically pleasing and don't particularly want to have sex with them.

News alert ..... appearances change.
All appearances are fluid.

Body shapes change .... your body is amazing as you say for what's it been through and keeping you alive. Thats what bodies are for. Not too be aesthetically pleasing.

You just hold onto the thoughts that your body has done an amazing job and love your curves. Dress well for your new shape and ooze confidence.

However, he still loves her and fancies her. I think that's the bit some PP are missing.

We're not missing it. We don't believe it.

I'm always astonished when people say there would stop finding a partner attractive solely on the grounds of gaining or losing weight. Do any of us seriously expect our partner to have the same body after 10,20,30 yrs together with all the life throws at us?

Its far more complicated than that and attraction over time is not as superficial as one aspect of physicality.

In the context of all you have been through, a three dress size change is not the most immediate priority.

You seem to have made a lot of changes in support of DH in recent years and been through a great deal. What has he done to support you and also to come to terms with nearly losing you? Has he had counselling advice to cope with his own feelings about it?

He is a horrible shallow person. For those asking would you still fancy your DH if he put on weight... yes! Mine has gained around three stone and I am still as attracted to him sexually as always as he's still the same lovely person.
We all age, many of us change weight, most of us change shape. Yes you can't help it if you are no longer attracted because of that but it says nothing good about you as a human being if that is the case.

OP are you ok?
I think you need a lot of support and this kind of “truth” is not helpful.
Is it possible that DH needs some help too.
I hope you can work it out with your marriage and perhaps try couples counselling.
You sound like an amazing woman and you will get through this, believe it or not, 2years is early days for such a lot of trauma .

Matildathecat writes wisely, especially if you weren't expecting him to be vacuous and shallow.
However if it is an aesthetics thing then even if you do get fitter or thinner or whatever he may well still end up trading you in when you age. So I would start exploring the path of what do you want from the relationship and then the path (maybe with some help) of do you both see it as being forever, in sickness and in health, because actually he doesn't seem to.

You sound amazingly strong OP. I'm sorry your other half is such a let down. Maybe you should think about finding someone who appreciates you more.

'm not angry with him. I'm hurt and a bit disappointed. I appreciate his honesty. I asked the question and he respected me enough to be honest about it so we could work through it.

No-one who tells another human being that they are not ‘aesthetically pleasing’ respects them. Do not kid yourself.

Forget all the women brainwashed by misogyny and their own superficiality who tell you you should be grateful for his honesty and reasonableness. He was neither honest or reasonable.

If he were really honest he would say ‘I’m a shallow man, what my wife looks like is very important to me. I only fancy thin women. I don’t respect you enough as a person not to save your feelings on this. I am telling you because I am angry that I am not getting enough sex and I blame you. I don’t care that your weight gain is as a result of devastating medical problems, the main issue for me is that I want to get laid, and not with you.’

The sad truth is that you’ve married a man without much depth, heart or integrity.

You could lose weight and put out for fear he runs off with someone who didn’t almost die bearing his child, but you can’t un-see what this has revealed about his character.

I often dont always find my dh attractive, especially when he's slumped on the sofa, belly hanging out, hand down his trousers scratching his balls, drinking beer with the other hand. Does that make me 'a shallow cunt' to quote an earlier op, or am I just experiencing the normal ebb and flow of desire in a long term relationship

This is a sad story.
However, nobody has any control over who or what they find sexually attractive.

I often dont always find my dh attractive

To the point that you don’t want to have sex with him? To the point that he’s noticed you don’t want to, and you have to admit you don’t find him physically attractive?

Imagine if this was a wife telling her wounded veteran husband she didn’t find humble aesthetically pleasing.

That is such a good analogy.

Any wife who posted on here to say that, would be lambasted.

OP have you spoken to your husband in the terms you have posted on here?

It's like he doesn't respect anything you've been through. I can't imagine that's anything other than deeply, viscerally disappointing in the man you married.

nobody has any control over who or what they find sexually attractive

Narnsense. What one finds attractive depends so much one one’s values.

He can't help how he feels, it's not like he's choosing to not fancy you. He is being honest. Sounds harsh but I'd be getting on that treadmill

The only times I've started to not find partners physically attractive, is when I wasn't mentally attracted to them any more.

DP has commented that as my body has changed, he's found his tastes changing to chase it - which is so adorable. His body has changed a lot over the years too - but it's him inhabiting it, so I find it attractive - I can't (and seemingly he can't) split the person from the body in his head.

OP. I don't know what to say. You are doing a fantastic job, dealing with what's been thrown at you. I hope that with the therapy, and the proof of your strength that the last few years have given you, you can also think this through and decide what you want to do without losing yourself to it.

Good luck.

Values have nothing to do with sexual attraction. I'll be honest here, my husband is considerably heavier than when I met him. We still have a sex life but I don't fancy him any more and I can't help it. I love him to bits, would be devastated to lose him and adore his personally but his body leaves me cold. I have zero control over this.

Sounds harsh but I'd be getting on that treadmill

just so some shallow arse can fix his erectile dysfunction. Uhuh.

Does that make me 'a shallow cunt' to quote an earlier op, or am I just experiencing the normal ebb and flow of desire in a long term relationship

It implies you are unable to distinguish between a transient moment of scruffy dishevelment and a life changing and threatening even resulting in permanent body changes (quite aside from the weight gain).

This is a much better analogy:
Imagine if this was a wife telling her wounded veteran husband she didn’t find humble aesthetically pleasing.

Narnsense. What one finds attractive depends so much one one’s values.

Absolutely.

I actually feel sick with rage reading your original post OP. What an absolute bell-end your DH is. I mean FFS, after all you have been through, to give HIM a child, and this is how he fucking treats you.

It's very rare I say this as I believe many relationship issues can be fixed with talking, and communication etc, but I could not get past this, and have to say....

Leave.

The.

BASTARD.

There would be no coming back from this if it were me. What a fucking twat.