to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I am 3 stone heavier than I was before I had my baby. My husband says he loves me even more than he ever did because of what my body did. I AM working on losing the weight but he says he loves me anyway.

I also wouldn't judge him at all for any change of appearance. People change. And life events change them! And from reading what you've been through, that's quite a lot !!

I think it's awful he said that.

Ok JacksGirl if my husband had told me after my mastectomy that he no longer found me “aesthetically pleasing” that wouldn’t be offensive according to you?

Oh and you dating an obese man for a year is nowhere near the same as being in a long term relationship with someone who has been through a serious illness and life changing surgery, like the OP has.

looks change, twat is forever

This.

Jack stop taking about yourself and read the OP properly.

OP’s husband does not want to have sex with her any more. He said so. He said he doesn’t find her physically attractive any more, his way of expressing it was ‘aesthetically pleasing’.

Off the back of that claiming his claiming he fancies her is not true. He said that so as not to seem like a total arsehole.

By framing it as you are not ‘aesthetically pleasing’ rather than ‘I don’t fancy you’ it pushes the responsibility from him onto the OP.

Ie it’s her fault for not looking pleasing rather than his for not fancying her.

Your words reminded me of this podcast, the story about 25 minutes in, narrated by a woman who was overweight til she was 22 then lost a huge amount of weight. She talks about how she struggles with her husband because he openly admits he wouldn’t have dated/approached her if she’d still been overweight:

Well, that is basically what my now DH said in the early days of our relationship, that he didn't like big women. So he probably wouldn't have been attracted to me if I'd been overweight at the time. But I've yo-yoed since then and he still loves me. It's different when you actually know and love your partner.

I don't understand the premise of some people on the thread being that having once being physically attracted to a person or certain characteristics - you must always be; regardless of any change or difference and if you aren't, then you're some kind of shallow, selfish twat and you must always enthusiastically want to fuck them even if you're not physically attracted to their current physical characteristics.

Well obviously you are attracted to what you’re attracted to but if you’re going to go off your wife because they’ve had the audacity to go up to a size 14 after having a child which a lot of women do after they have children and get older then why get married? Is that not meant to be a lifelong commitment for better for worse?
If body shape changing/ageing is a problem then just be a serial dater don’t make vows to someone that mean nothing.

What an awful thing to say. I think you are doing brilliantly. Me and my 3.5 year old both nearly died when he was born. He still has long term problems and I'm still struggling emotionally and on meds for PTSD. I think you are doing really well to have recovered this well.

"Are you a man because that is the sort of cliche spouted by men who expect to attract very good looking women when they aren't attractive themselves? I think physical attraction is very important for both men and women. However, if you love someone it is quite shallow to go off them because they have put on a bit of weight after being ill."

Nope, female. A lot of women have delusional expectations about how someone in love with them should be attracted to them no matter what. I don't, because that's not how the real world works.

Love and attraction aren't mathematical equations. Saying that a man Should be attracted to his partner because of x, y, and z that's great about her, her personality, and what she's been through, sounds nice but it's not how basic attraction works.

The OP pressed him for the truth, she got it, didn't like it, so here we are.

Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

There's a difference between thinking something and actually saying it. I expect my DH would prefer me to be the slim size 12 bride I was 15 years ago, of course he would, and I know that. But he wouldn't actually say it. Unless I pressed him for an answer, I know he's always been painfully honest so if I were to push him on this he might well say something that could upset me. So I actually wouldn't ask him. I asked him once and didn't like the answer.

Jacks What they’re saying is that if you can go off sex completely over a couple of stone then the attraction was shallow in the first place.

Predicated far more on looks than on personality.

You gave an example of a partner who changed physically, but you still fancied him and wanted to have sex with him. Whereas OP’s husband does not want to have sex with her and clearly does not fancy her any more despite his claim.

The op pushed the question and us hurt by the answer and rightly so. To be abusive about her husband is wrong. Was he meant to lie? If he kept quiet op would have kept pushing. He really couldn’t win. I think conversations like these are good but you cannot turn on them for their answer. He still loves her but looks wise things are different. I pushed for a similar answer once and didnt like what I heard, I didn’t have a fit at my partner about it and we are still together and he is constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how he loves me. We have also been through almost losing or second child and I have gained a lot. He’s still here and loves us and looks after us. The Ops husband sounds the same. Don’t ask such questions to them hate someone for answering when you kept pushing. Bluntness has said it all so much better than I can though.

Leigha - I think you’re just used to thick shallow men with sexist ideas about male/female attraction that you’ve swallowed like a good girl without question.

Physical attraction is hugely important to women too, but they’re a bit more philosophic as to the nature of men’s charms and less focused on mere outward appearance.

I absolutely agree. I was upset with my DH at the time when he said what he did but I did ask. It sounds like the OP's DH is like mine, he told her the truth and she didn't like it. I won't ask that question again, as it isn't fair.

If I'm honest, I've always been attracted to men taller than me and not overweight, so how am I different really?

But the OP's DH clearly does love her, as he's upset that he hurt her. We're talking about love and physical attraction, 2 very different things.

I wouldn't find my husband physically attractive if he put on tons of weight. What on earth do historical health issues have to do with anything?

lilifer Again I repeat, honesty is admirable and necessary in a relationship. But if you love and care about someone you frame your honest feelings in a way that is respectful of and sensitive to the feelings of your other half. You choose your words and those words can he honest and kind or honest and cruel.
I agree with this 100%. OP you sound brave and lovely. You have been through a lot. Take care of yourself.

Op I think it may be time for you to detach emotionally from this man and look for someone new.
Lots of people here saying he can’t help how he feels and perhaps that’s true. But nor can you! You want someone who can fulfil your needs and relate to you now, with all the changes that you have been through. Sounds like that may not be him. Sadly we do outgrow our partners sometimes and you may have done so.

"People seem to be saying that she should just lose the weight to please him."

Lets flip reverse this. When i married DH i was 19 stone and a size 24 I went up to 21 stone and a size 28 Then i lost 10 stone.

IF DH said to me "i prefer the way you looked on the day we got married" should i be putting 8 stone back on then!!!!

OP you’ve done tremendous things and overcoming me obstacles that some of wouldn’t have done yet you seem to remain positive and happy!

I’m afraid his words would have me questioning wether I found him attractive any longer. AS you said in your OP, his sexual attraction seems to come with terms and conditions, and even if you did become a size 8/10 again, I’d feel his attraction was conditional, which would turn me right off

DH is on medication for heart disease and emphysema and has gained weight. He never said a derogatory word to me when i was bigger. Not once.

He had a heart attack in 2006 A major one His heart stopped and had to be restarted.

This is why i found Cancer UKs recent campaign problematic Because there are too many arseholes out there who cant tell the difference between weight gain by overeating (though disordered eating is a medical issue in itself) or weight gain caused by medication.

"He still loves her. He still fancies her because it's HER and fancying someone is more about looks. He said those things."

I thought actions spoke louder than words. Hes a shallow knob who is scared of losing the domestic services OP provides. Thats the reason hes tried to sugar coat it (badly) and then backtracked.

What future us there if he doesn't want to have sex with you? Is he wanting to have sex with someone else? Has he a super low sex drive?

Perhaps marriage counselling is a way forward to decide what you both want.

Iv been with dh nearly 20 years. Neither of us are thin or pretty as we used to be - me more so BUT I love him as a whole and fancy him because he's lovely and we focus on the bits we do find attractive - hair, eyes etx