to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

Knobhead

why do people insist on pretending that young = better looking and in better shape?

I see photos of overweight young girls partying in skimpy outfits in the papers all the time, whilst ultra-runners and a lot of sports people seem to be middle-age or older.

Yes, you have a better skin and it's quicker to get in shape, but young has never meant fit looking

OP maybe your husband would like to marry one of the incredibly shallow posters on here who all know full well that if they don't shape up they don't deserve a man? I think that would work out well all round.

I read the first page and was going to comment but realised that FissionChips summed up my feelings exactly:

I can’t imagine having my DH almost die and then giving one shiny shit what he looks like, I’d just be incredibly greatful to the universe that he was alive!

I think that nails it. Your husband should have kept his gob firmly shut.

if they don't shape up they don't deserve a man?

who said that, and again, why do you turn it into a "man vs women"?

I agree this isn't gender related. Enough women have posted to say they wouldn't or don't find their husbands as physically attractive if they gain a lot of weight to prove that point,

I do think there is a lot of weight related sensitivity on here which is causing those posters to lash out.

When you married did he think you would both stay the same forever, like you were preserved in aspic?

If he did then I am sorry to have to tell you this but you are married to an idiot!

So, what can you do? He can't unsay what he said and you can't unhear it.

Does he still want sex at all, with anyone?

Perhaps the next step for you is some counseling together. Even if he doesn't like it or want it he can't pretend he didn't say what he said or that it wasn't important. Either you have to explain yourselves to each other fully or I don't think your relationship will survive.

Enough women have posted to say they wouldn't or don't find their husbands as physically attractive if they gain a lot of weight to prove that point

The OP hasn’t gained a huge amount of weight though, only a couple of stone by the sound of it. The women on here posting about changes to husband’s physical appearance are generally talking about obesity and not washing for weeks - proper hygiene issues.

And in many cases women who have stopped fancying their DHs it’s nothing to do with physical appearance but low libido, stressful lives etc.

I do think there is a lot of weight related sensitivity on here which is causing those posters to lash out.

I think that’s a complete misreading. I think posters are primarily horrified at his total lack of respect for his wife.

I’m whip thin, it’s not the weight issue but his shallowness that appals me.

I do think there is a lot of weight related sensitivity on here which is causing those posters to lash out. - typo in there Bluntness - most of us on here have twat related sensitivity.

Aesthetically pleasing...... so you fall in the same arena as wallpaper, a nice ornament or maybe a painting. You are doing an awesome job, very few of us remain unchanged as we travel through life, and serious issues change us more both physically and mentally.

He is very shallow and really should have thought before opening his mouth.

Are you able to talk this through with him - explain how you feel. Love really isn't skin deep ever.

I have been bald, bloated from medication, and worse yet my dh never once judged me for it even when I was my own worst critic. He needs to see you as a whole not a decorative item

((((Hugs))))

To those defending what this man said and praising him for his honesty, let’s hope you never have life altering surgery / medical treatment and then get told the same!

I had a mastectomy 2 years ago, I now have just one boob, definitely not aesthetically pleasing!! Did my DH stop finding me attractive? Did our sex life suffer? Errr...no! because his love and appreciation for me runs far deeper than that! He is just damn grateful that I am alive sharing my life with him and ds.

It's a basic comprehension of the OP issue again.

He still loves her. He still fancies her because it's HER and fancying someone is more about looks. He said those things.

She pushed him for an answer and he said she wasn't as 'aesthetically pleasing' as she once was. Shit choice of words but his choices were limited.

I've had relationships with people of a variety of shapes and sizes because being attracted to someone is a huge mix of how they look, their intelligence, opinions, humour, morals, world views etc.

What I find physically attractive or 'aesthetically pleasing' is men taller than me, muscular, big arms, tattoos, firm stomachs etc.

That's not shallow - it's what I find arousing. It would be shallow if I only dated people that conform to those physical ideals - and I don't and only have once. Because being attracted to someone and fancying them is about the whole of them and not just what they look like. And love is even deeper than that.

There isn't a huge market for models that are overweight, bald (men or women), scarred, very hairy (men or women), disabled, disfigured...because the majority of people do not see that alone as 'aesthetically pleasing' for a number of reasons.

It does not mean they can't be attracted to, fancy, or love a person that they get to know or already know.

Perhaps he expecting you to be a Step Ford wife ? Your reply should be something like I don't find your attitude/mind very appealing (someone must be able to think of a better come back) _ nobody is perfect. You deserve better !

He still loves her. He still fancies her because it's HER and fancying someone is more about looks. He said those things.

She obviously didn't feel that he does fancy her because that is why they were having a conversation about their lack of sex in the first place. She didn't suspect that he didn't fancy her for no reason!

creepymumweirdo

I don't think people can help what they do and don't find attractive and none of the pros about your personality or struggles you've been through matter from a pure physical attraction standpoint.

The things that make women attracted to men and fall in love with them are more varied I think then for men. Physical attraction is hugely important to men and most merely downplay it in order to not be accused of being shallow or to spare their partner's feelings.

I don't think partner's who lie about how they feel about their partner's body are doing them or the relationship any favours.

I have been on the receiving end before of criticism about my shape from a partner, so I know exactly how much that hurts, but I'd rather have a partner I can trust to be honest in all areas then a liar falsely flattering my ego.

Haven’t RTFT.

What a shit thing to say.

I think you should tell him how hurt you feel.

Or maybe read the thread

Dungeon - I've been in this situation with a partner that changed physically (and emotionally) a lot and both aspects may be aplicable to the OP.

I still loved them and fancied them and enjoyed sex with them but didn't have the same ' oh I want to jump your bones now!' lust that I did before. Which could also simply be that that often does decrease in any relationship.

The things that make women attracted to men and fall in love with them are more varied I think then for men. Physical attraction is hugely important to men and most merely downplay it in order to not be accused of being shallow or to spare their partner's feelings.

Are you a man because that is the sort of cliche spouted by men who expect to attract very good looking women when they aren't attractive themselves? I think physical attraction is very important for both men and women. However, if you love someone it is quite shallow to go off them because they have put on a bit of weight after being ill.

Shit choice of words but his choices were limited - what, limited to be a cunt or not?

It wasn't simply a poor choice of words essentially he has abdicated all responsibility onto the OP. Rather than thinking the current state of their sex life is a joint responsibility he has dumped it all on OP.

'a poor choice of words'

He could have kept his mouth shut.

My sister's husband's heart stopped at home last November. Their adult daughter did CPR on him until the ambulance arrived and his heart stopped again twice more in the ER. He then got pneumonia from aspirating on his own vomit and was on a vent for a week and then in hospital for a time. When he got out he could barely walk.

We're all still so grateful he's alive and with us to be worried about how 'aesthetically pleasing' just now, especially my sister.

Looks can change, but twat is forever.

She directly asked him about the lack of sex and after 'much beating about the bush' - suggesting she pushed the question ( and OP said she did) as his initial answers weren't enough - he said she wasn't as 'aesthetically pleasing' as she once was.

In a relationship that is seeking to look at problems and be honest and as a consequence - improve. I don't see why he's a cunt for saying that.

There is NO point in seeking answers and solutions to relationship problems if people can't be honest in a non-offensive or non-
accusatory way which I think he tried to do here.

He wasn't offensive, he didn't reject her. He said he still loved her and fancied her because it's her (a sum of all the things she is and all the things they have been through).

But not finding being overweight or whatever it is - as not 'aesthetically pleasing' isn't offensive.

I was in a relationship with an obese man for over a year. I was massively attracted to him because of his intellect and humour. Enjoyed sex with him. Did I find his belly hanging over his trousers physically attractive or 'aesthetically pleasing'. No. I'd find it repellent most of the time and I didn't experience the same amount of sexual lust with him that I have with men that I have found more physically attractive.

Op it's a brutal thing to say it's awful... But... Can he help how he feels?
My dh wouldn't say this but one day before I dyed my hair he looked in shock at my grey hairs. I had stopped making an effort.
He didn't say a word, always affectionate.. Never wavered.. But recent even though I am about four stone over Wright I have made effort again to dye my hair.. Looks much better!! Takes ten mins every two, three months and costs five pounds.. I wear make up again.. Nothing radical just concealer.. Mascara... And I have started gentle excersising.

I feel better for it... He never asked me to do this.
It's a deeply horrid thing to say and yes.. He should still love me you etc.. But the bottom line is.. Can he help how he feels. Surely it's better to hear his truthful words than find him cheating on you? I'm probably going to get slated for this but...