Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

JaneyEJones should OP also be approving the menu and the itinerary for the day as well?

I still don’t agree with you Janey. I’m pretty sure my best mate’s Mum and mine only chatted to each other about 10 times in total over the 15 years she and I were in and out of each other’s houses playing, sleeping over and eating lunch and tea. We just did what we were told by whatever Mum was in charge, no issues.

And anyway you’re missing my main point, it was not about “her house her rules” it was that the DD shouldn’t be relying on having to call/text her Mum instead of talking directly to the Mum whose house she is in.

I agree Janey. There's a distinct lack of boundaries and common sense on this thread.

Janey do you check with other parents that they are fine with phones being in the room in sleepovers at yours? If your child has a phone there is access to cameras, dodgy photo taking while asleep and sharing of those photos even if a brick, and social media misuse and porn and horror film viewing while you're sleeping at 3am if it's a smart phone, as well as the blue light and the likelihood of even less sleep than a normal sleepover.

Your rules are the same as allowing as access to 18 or X rated films and trusting the kids to chose PG even if all the adults are asleep in another room.

Do you explain that to the parents of children who sleep at yours? Did you when you first allowed phones in rooms overnight with sleepover guests present, whatever age that was?

Usually the permissive parent is the one needing clearance - not the one asking if it's ok not to let the 10 year olds choose from 15 or 18 rated films.

I think she probably should have mentioned to you first that she would be doing that, but you have to respect the rules she sets in her home and explain that to your daughter.

op i think its disgusting how all these want to give you a hard time for being protective and caring for your own daughter !!! you have obviously never had any issues with your daughter where you have hadto take her phone away. It was her private property and you should not be taken away and put in a room with others. she should of allowed her to switch it off and put it in her bag. And to not give it back till 11 the next day is well out of order !! she should of gave it back earlier so she could text you if she wanted to !

Haven't read the thread, I agree with the house rule of no phones overnight though and can see why it was taken.

I'm with Janey. Its an old brick phone that the child can text its mother with. I think taking that personal reassuring contact away from the child who is embarrassed to say she needs it is damn cruel. Op had already said child needed it to the phone pinching mum. Maybe op could of communicated that abit better. But she did say. So many people not reading the poor Op's replies and acting like.....the mum who took the phone away from the anxious child who is gently learning independence in her own good time.

Some empathy and attentive reading skills required by some posters.

Harummmppph!

No phones upstairs or after bedtime is the rule in our house.

But you both knew beforehand that it was the house rule!
She could hardly let your dd play on her phone when her dd hadn't got hers.

There are plenty of reasons that a child on a sleepover would want to ask their parents advice/help/pick up without wanting to talk to other parents. Mishaps on the toilet, periods, bullying, homesick.

My kid, my rules no matter where they are if it's regarding safety. Mental health is safety. It's not all fun and games at sleepovers.

'House rule'.

My niece started menstruating for the very first time at my house. Does anyone remember the thread about embarrassing incidents with bleeding through clothes? For grown women it's awful.

Why is this such a big deal?? Seriously, children are people. We all can be intimidated by authority figures. A phone in the pack, used to say goodnight or call for personal reasons is not unreasonable.

Some of these remarks are snarky and cruel if they were said about grown ups; about children, they lack empathy and kindness.

I don’t think the parent of your child’s friend had the right to take your child’s phone away from her under any circumstance unless it had been agreed with you first. The first time away from home staying at a friend’s house can be quite scary for any child. It’s hard for children to take in all of another family’s rules and the implications of those rules when they have not been awa at a sleepover before. What is acceptable during a play date is not necessarily the same as what is acceptable at a sleepover and if a child doesn’t know about a shift in rules it can come as a bit of a shock when the goal posts are moved. I see no reason why your child could not message you at an agreed time to say goodnight and have her phone in an accessible place to call you in an emergency or if she was worried. Yes you don’t want kids up all night playing on their phones and taking selfies. Yes you don’t want phone use to be accesive or out of control. But I see no reason why her phone couldn’t have been on silent in her bag or on charge on the landing outside the bedroom so that it is easy for her to get hold of if she feels frightened or unhappy. The parents of your child’s friend may be perfectly nice people but it doesn’t mean your child will necessarily feel comfortable telling them about their feelings if they had a problem. My daughter is 17yrs old but we are very close and if she stays away from home she still likes to be able to text goodnight. She doesn’t make a big deal out of it. She doesn’t spend hours messaging backwards and forwards late at night but she likes me to know she is ok and I like her to know that i’m Ok. She isn’t constantly on her phone, she isn’t addicted or obsessed but feels safer having access to it just in case. Not all kids are addicted just because they want a point of contact in an emergency. I sleep better knowing that if she needs help or advice in how to deal with something that crops up unexpectedly and makes her uncomfortable that she can discreetly contact me for advice. I don’t think I have to justify or apologise for being there day or night if my child needs me. Her phone makes that possible.

If it’s such a big deal to you that your kid keeps their phone, then you need to ask the parents who are hosting if it’s ok first. Surely everyone knows that many parents don’t like kids having access to phones, so just ask.

As for parents not having the ‘right’ to take phones away: they have every right. It’s their house and they make the rules. No wonder kids all grow up being entitled brats: everything is all about their rights, with the adults having none.

This is the first step. I agree that Parents have the right to take phones away from their own children, but not from someone else’s. If you have a problem with a child’s behaviour then you need to speak to their parents in order to establish rules. If what a child is doing is illegal, immoral, dangerous or halmful to others then yes you have the right to act, but to take anyone else’s property without permission just for the sake of it is wrong. My daughter is not an entitled brat. She knows how and when it is appropriate to use her phone. She is very mature. She has been taught to be polite and respectful towards others. I set the rules for my child. I expect her to obey those rules wherever she is. If another child’s parent didn’t want her to use her phone at night and she was in their house then she would respect their wishes. Her phone does not need to be confiscated to make her respect and follow rules. She would only go against their wishes if she felt it was absolutely necessary to do so. We need to teach our children how to behave towards others, how to exercise self control, to respects other people’s opinions and values when you are in their home. We also need to teach our kids independence. If I tell my daughter not to use her phone I have to trust her to respect my wishes. Taking her phone away does teach her to behave properly it just forces her into submission. Our kids need boundaries. They need to know that acting outside those boundaries has consequences but they also need to learn responsibility. We need to teach our kids to do the right thing. My daughter can be trusted to keep her phone in her bag and not use it in the night (except in an emergency )if requested to do so.

If she had needed you to pick her up then she would of had to wake the girls parents up anyway.
She needs to learn to go without it, she wont be able to have it at school camp .
If she is not able to ask a adult or her friend to call home she is not old enough to go.
If you dont trust the parents then you also shouldn't send her

If you are sending your child to a sleepover with a child whose mother asks you to remove her child's phone when she's with you then it can hardly be unexpected that children in that house have their phones removed overnight.

If it's vitally important that your child keeps their phone then you speak to the other parent and tell them - in the same way you would if they need medication at x time or have anything other information that the parent needs to know.

If a parent objected to my child having their phone and asked them not to bring it, I'd be fine with that. The phone would stay at home.

But if they allowed her to bring it then took it off her I'd be mightily pissed off simply because it's not their property. They wouldn't demand that an adult guest hand over their belongings.

I'm fine with no phone. Advance communication would have pre-empted the problem.

suzie I disagree. When your kid is at someone else’s house, they need to abide by the rules. Rights don’t come into it.

And I’m sorry but all parents think their children are mature - as a teacher, I can assure you that many of those thought to be mature are absolutely not. And what’s more, why should another parent believe your child is so much more mature than theirs.

If the rule is no phones at bedtime, all the kids need to stick to it or there will be an argument and sulking.

treacle No I wouldn’t take an adults phone, but I’m not responsible for an adult’s behaviour in my house so it isn’t the same thing at all. If a kid came round with a knife or porn or a poisonous snake, should I let them keep that too? Of course not. Because it’s dangerous. Some people also don’t agree with children having phones for the same reason.

Agree that communication would have sorted it out though.

If the "old" (Op hasn't said it's old, it's just as likely to be the new Nokia 3310) brick phone has a camera and SMS it is still a tool that can take and share photos of sleeping friends etc.

Why should the host allow that in her child's bedroom all night while adults are asleep?

Yabu. Phones shouldnt be in bedrooms as effect sleep. Sounds like the mother is sensible. If your dd cant tell the mother if worried she shouldnt go on a sleepover yet. I bet the girls have a lovely sleepover

Christ on a bike!!

As numerous people are saying "it's her house, her rules" etc, then when Dds friend comes to OPs house she won't need to impose the other Mum's rules in her house. The other Mum, and those that agree with her, should be ok with that too!

I cannot believe some of the appalling attitudes of so-called adults on this thread. It's more like a bloody dictatorship or a military procedure.

Sleepovers are supposed to be FUN and you get to do different things than you usually would.

There was no sign of OPs DD doing anything like PPs are suggesting with her phone. It was merely something to make the DD comfortable.

10 is not too young for a phone. Year 5 children generally begin their cycling safety with School, and walking home at this age.

I'm in my 40's and would still find being in other people's houses intimidating, as would lots of adults.

OP I'd ignore the ignorant people who clearly don't see that you're giving your child independence skills, whilst giving her a way to contact you, if she doesn't feel able to talk directly to the adult in the house!

ijustwant it’s a dictatorship to say you should follow the rules in someone else’s house?

How so?