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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
Dieu · 18/03/2018 23:33

YABVU. Your daughter doesn't sound ready for sleepovers. It's a pet hate of mine when one of the kids' friends stays overnight, and the child texts their parent to say they've changed their mind about staying, without speaking to me first. I'm very approachable, btw!

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 18/03/2018 23:35

She's actually got her head screwed on! You have to think of it this way - look at what children can access on the phone nowadays! They can access the internet in different ways and forms, they can see things that are not meant to be seen, the list can go on! When I had a sleepover in my younger years, my phone was at home most of the time because I just didn't need it! Next time, just get the parents phone number and she can ring you from their phone or you can ring the parents if you want to talk to her. You have to see it from their eyes! She did the right thing but that's just IMO.

NotMoreSnow · 18/03/2018 23:42

Honestly I think If your DD cannot communicate properly with the adults she is staying with then she is not ready for sleepovers.
This^
But please work to increase your DDs independence, and ability to speak for herself, she can't be far off going to secondary school, where she will soon be expected to be able to go on trips without parents and with a bunch of kids she knows less well. In the nicest way, she does need to learn to stand in her own two feet more, in order to enjoy being with her contemporaries rather than checking that you're there just in case.

stayathomer · 18/03/2018 23:43

I think there's a ridiculous amount of people on their high horses here. There's valid points about what they could do with the phone but for people to say your daughter has a problem going without a phone isn't the issue. She might actually see it as a security thing to text her mum and dad goodnight

MadameLaplante · 18/03/2018 23:49

Hmm @stayahomer : agree. I am a SAHM too. But it is a number (of people), not an amount. And there are valid points, not there is.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 18/03/2018 23:50

Wow, some dick comments on this thread. "If she can't cope without her phone then you've got bigger problems than a sleepover". Don't be a twat - it's clearly the worry about not being able to contact her Mum she can't cope without. 10 is still young, especially to be in a strange house for the first time

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 18/03/2018 23:53

Honestly I think If your DD cannot communicate properly with the adults she is staying with then she is not ready for sleepovers

WTF

There is a difference between having the confidence to communicate with an adult, and finding that you're unexpectedly intimidated by an adult in the house you're staying in. Was the OP's DD supposed to be psychic and know that her friend's Mum was going to put her in an awkward position? FFS I'm in my 30s and I don't like to challenge people's rules in their homes, never mind a 10yo doing it!

stayathomer · 18/03/2018 23:53

@MadameLaplante points taken ;)

Awhoosh · 18/03/2018 23:59

Sorry - have not RTFT because all the comments doing my head in. YANBU. Should have been discussed beforehand. Totally up to you / DD if you text each other at night. Also fair enough if that's house rules and there have been some valid points about using phones at sleepovers. But should've been agreed in advance. If you / DD had known then probably all would have been well.

Some people, aged 10 or 40, might want to text their mum or other loved one before they go to sleep. Nothing wrong in that. No, we didn't have them when we were young (!) but people now are used to the contact. So YANBU for being upset.

Dizzybintess · 19/03/2018 00:05

I run a Guide unit and we don’t allow mobiles in camps. They are a complete pain in the ass!
Girls phoning boyfriends (that parents had no idea they had a boyfriend)
Girls phoning parents to collect them with a With a 2 hour drive... and said parent rocking up at camp at 1am and the security had to escort her over. Daughter was fine and settling to sleep but mum had come all the way so she went home.
They cause bullying, and they stop girls communicating like kids should.

smackbangwhollop · 19/03/2018 00:31

Dizzybintess I love your point; very valid. 😉

Lozz22 · 19/03/2018 00:33

How on earth did we all manage to have sleep overs when most of us were that age!! I’m pretty sure none of us had mobile phones!! Well I know I most certainly didn’t at 10 years old! It was the landline to get hold of a parent if you needed them although more often then not I was that busy having fun the thought never even entered my mind. Mobile phones are good but there’s also people who have an obsession with them. My mil for one. She’s never off the chuffing thing! The only times she’s off it are when she’s asleep or out in a class. Even trying to watch a tv programme she’s on it blithering away loudly to someone so you can’t hear the tv! She has to phone every day too. Usually it’s I don’t really need to speak you you or I don’t really need you for anything but I was worried because I haven’t heard from you! Err yes because we don’t have to phone you every day!! Or more like i don’t have to phone you every day! Christ i don’t even phone my own Mum every day. Maybe once a week if that!! Thankfully and I hope I aren’t jinxing myself here!! The phone calls to me have dwindled right down!! Utter bliss!!!

Kerala2712 · 19/03/2018 04:27

I hated sleepovers as a kid (up to about 16!) and a mobile i think would have made me feel more secure- i still went but always felt very insecure and wanted to go home (even if no bullying etc). It would have been nice to text my mum for reassurance sometimes. I would almost never have been brave enough to ask to phone home, and even if my mum phoned remember not being able to say there was a problem in case it was overheard. Its not unreasonable that she should have access to it (maybe plugged in downstairs? ) but not unreasonable to not have in their bedroom. If its a tool that helps her be more confident about staying away then thats a way of helping her be more independent generally.

SickofThomasTheTank · 19/03/2018 04:59

Anyone else reading this on their phone in bed?

Blush

I feel really bad!

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 19/03/2018 06:14

Phones in bed are a bad idea for all except the 'round the clock bed bound sickof - my friend used to send "you awake? Can't sleep!" Messages in the middle of the night and then post on Facebook. No wonder she couldn't sleep if she went straight onto social media instead of rolling over and drifting off!

mancmummy1414 · 19/03/2018 07:14

YANBU at all - she had no right to remove your DD’s property without express permission. She should have been able to have it switched off in a bag.
I used to get really anxious at that age missing my mum at sleepovers.

AjasLipstick · 19/03/2018 07:20

Mac but OP has the right to expect the hosting Mother to ignore her own rules and allow unrestricted internet access at night in the bedroom?

Dipitydoda · 19/03/2018 07:29

10 year olds have mobiles? Ones they can’t cope without? Absolute lately agree with sticking to house rules when you’re a guest. Maybe next time arrange for daughter to call you at say 8pm and 9:30am and tell her to speak to parents if she needs anything else

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 07:30

There is no internet access on the phone, the OP has said this several times. It's just a straightforward phone. I think they could take photos and text them to people though. That would worry me and I'd say no for that reason.

That and the fact that my DD would then want to have her phone as well and I wouldn't want to have that to deal with.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2018 07:36

If you do not want your child to abide by the house rules, you don’t send them to that house. It is that simple.

CapnHaddock · 19/03/2018 07:56

Cherry - yes seriously. If a child is unable to tell an adult who is responsible for them that they want to go home, they're not ready for sleepovers.

Perhaps you're not either?

bastardkitty · 19/03/2018 08:02

What about when the adult/parent IS the problem at the sleepover?

iLoveABiccy · 19/03/2018 08:07

I think there should be a compromise & the mother shouldn't have put the phone in her bedroom at all. That's too much! At least leave it outside the room on charge.
Also I was so shy as a child when it came to asking adults for things, her DD is 10 why would you think she has the confidence to outright ask an adult for things? Ridiculous.
Plus sometimes a child wants to say a simple Goodnight to their mum for reassurance.
Also to all the ones saying why are people so reliant on phones: We live in the 21st century and phones are a part of everyones lives, get used to it, because it's only going to become more advanced and anyone that thinks it isn't is ridiculous, you're stuck in another age. They are embedded into our everyday lives. I say this also as someone who has lived away from my home country for years, phones keep you connected when you feel unconnected.

MsGameandWatching · 19/03/2018 08:21

The house rules at OP's house are that children are allowed to keep their phone so presumably keeping house rules goes both ways.

StickThatInYourPipe · 19/03/2018 08:47

Just remembering my sleepovers as a child, I am very glad we had no access to phones! I can imagine a lot of ways that would have turned out badly, we weren’t bad kids but you get an almost pack mentality and all egg each other on to do stupid shit.

The numbers stored in your daughters phone, OP, are not the only numbers she can call - you understand that, right? Even without it being a smart phone with no social media.