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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
IThinkThatsWeird · 17/03/2018 11:26

It sounds like you weren’t clear enough with the parents especially as you knew they don’t like their daughter to have a phone at night time. I think generally it’s a good idea to take phones away from 10 year old who are having a sleep over. I wouldn’t want other kids having phones during the night at that age.

Does she have a smart phone and access to social media such as whattsapp, Snapchat, Facebook etc? Is it possible the other parents are stricter with what they want their daughter to have access to.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/03/2018 11:26

You knew the mums thoughts about phones so could have had the conversation with your DD beforehand about what to do on sleepover (eg phone you early in the evening to say goodnight, after a pick up time before she leaves, how to tell the friends parents she wants to go home/ask them to call you). I’d not expect another parent to slacken their house rules for my child and if their rules bothered me that much, my child would be staying home.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 17/03/2018 11:27

I think YABU

What is this addiction to phones? Do you think it's a good thing your DD can't cope without her phone for one night? This is a much bigger issue

I wouldn't let phones be around on a sleepover either. There will be photos taken and texting and also it takes away from the nice cosy atmosphere of just engaging with who is there

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:29

I totally appreciate your house your rules. But I would of prefered her mum to have discussed it with me first it, If dd knew she wouldnt be allowed her phone overnight then she might of chose not to go or at least would of been prepared to not be able to contact us.
Especially as we had the conversation when her dd stayed when I said my dd likes to have her phone on sleepover so she is able to contact us overnight and she had just said 'yeh, I get that' not that she would take it off dd if she had her round.

OP posts:
liz70 · 17/03/2018 11:29

You're setting your 10 year old DD up for a life long psychological dependance on a bloody mobile phone. Seriously, this is isn't going to do her any favours whatsoever. When I was that age, I went away for a week with my school, with no contact with my parents whatsoever with my parents, same as all the other children. We all coped just fine.

I may sound harsh, but really, this absolute obsession with being in contact every single second is worrying, truly it is. It's, not healthy for anyone.

If your DD can't cope for one night at a friend's house without a phone, then she's not ready for sleepovers yet.

Fattymcfaterson · 17/03/2018 11:30

prepared to not be able to contact us

She could have though. She just had to ask first!

liz70 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Obviously didn't mean to repeat "with my parents" there!

hannah1992 · 17/03/2018 11:31

My dd who is 7 has a tablet. She is only aloud it for a certain amount of time per day. Some days she doesn’t have it at all if we are doing something else. However, my friends dd can have her whenever she wants for however long she wants (she’s 9). My friend had to have day surgery the other week and she has no family so I offered to have her dd at mine for the weekend so she could recover in piece. I picked her up the Friday morning before my friend went to the hospital. She came tablet in hand and that’s fine! However, she was aloud to use the tablet when my dd was aloud to have hers. How could I say oh yes xxx here’s your tablet no dd you can’t have yours. Or right dd it’s time to put the tablet away now and do something else and let xxx play on hers for however long. That would have caused major issues. Neither of them took tablets to bed nor did they play on them for unreasonable amounts of time. It’s the rule I have and while ever anybody’s children are in my house they go by my rules.

In effect your dd could have text you before the Mum took the phone to say xxx mum is putting the phones away now so good night I’ll see you tomorrow. If there was a problem in the night she could have told the Mum who could have contacted you.

I went for sleepovers at 10 and phones weren’t a thing then. How on earth did we cope!

Totsntantrums · 17/03/2018 11:31

My DD has a nightmare sleepover a few years ago due to mobiles. The girls had a disagreement and as it was late, I told them that there was to be no more chatting/arguing and to go to sleep. A couple to exception to this and called their mums at 12pm. Luckily their mums were completely understanding and appreciated how I had handled it but I was upsetand We have not had a sleepover sinc.

Another time she went to another sleepover and one of the group posted on social media about it. A girl who had not been invited took exception and started posting stuff about the group of girls and they then responded. The Mum said she could not calm the girls down until the early hours and the drama went on for weeks.

I now know why phones are removed Smile

AChickenCalledKorma · 17/03/2018 11:32

I ask sleepover guests to plug their phones in downstairs before bed, just like my kids do. If they wanted to call their parents before bed, that would be totally fine - they'd just need to say so. And if they have a problem during the night they need to tell me by knocking on my bedroom door. If they aren't brave enough to do that, they shouldn't be sleeping over in the first place.

cansu · 17/03/2018 11:32

Kids did have sleepovers before phones were a necessity. If they were sick or needed to go home the parents phoned their parents. They do not need access to a personal mobile when at a friends house. The fact that your dd thinks she does is really a bit ridiculous! You either like and trust the family to look after your dd or you don't. If you are not sure about this then forget the sleepovers.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 17/03/2018 11:32

If she felt uncomfortable, she doesn't go.

All sleepovers at your house.

Or no sleepovers at all, just say you'll pick her up at seven.

Friendships don't need to be overnight to thrive.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/03/2018 11:32

Well the mum shouldn’t have intimated she could keep it as she clearly didn’t mean it but I still think YABU for the expectation your dd should be able to if it’s their house rule not to allow it.

If she’s not ready to sleepover without it, or if you don’t trust the parents to contact you if they need to on her behalf, then she should be staying at home.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 17/03/2018 11:32

You are being a bit precious- they were in the sane house not camping. She didn't need her phone. It sounds like you are projecting your anxieties onto your dd.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/03/2018 11:32

I agree with others that if your DD cannot cope without her phone overnight and reacts in the way that you describe, then there are bigger issues to deal with than the other parent’s behaviour.

No child needs a phone overnight, even on a sleepover. If there is a problem she should talk to the family she is staying with, not just contact you behind their backs. And she should respect the rules of the family she is staying with. If she can’t cope with that, she’s probably not ready for sleepovers.

What on earth do you think children did before mobiles were invented? Start encouraging your DD to develop a bit of independence and self-reliance rather than having you constantly on speed dial 24 hours a day.

mrsm43s · 17/03/2018 11:33

Their house - their rules. Your daughter doesn't need to sleep over if she doesn't like the rules there. It's the same rule at our house - letting a 10 year old have a phone overnight at a sleepover is just irresponsible. It would be fair to ask the parents to show DD where the phone is and to let her know she can use it if she urgently needs to call home for any reason to put her mind at ease.

ChishandFips33 · 17/03/2018 11:33

I can see your point of view but agree with the other parent

Sleepovers come with added responsibility to resist the silly moments that can get quickly out of hand as expressed above

If children are old enough and mature enough to have a phone they should be mature enough to be able to talk to the other parents if uncomfortable about something or want something

Also agree with parents still being in touch with each other - if nothing else it applies a little pressure on the other parents to be knowing what's going on

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:35

She really doesnt have an obbsession with her phone, she never uses it when we are all at home, it is purely so she can contact us when she is away for sleepover, clubs etc.
I do get the rule but I would of likes to have been told about it before hand, or even some lenience like we do with her dd (plug it in in the landing outside dd's room) rather than take it off her and put it in the mums bedroom.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/03/2018 11:35

If your 10 year old is panicking because she’s had 14 hours without a phone you’ve got bigger problems than a sleepover

I would agree with this.

I do worry about what we have done by making our children so dependent on phones and being on contact 24/7 (and I do include myself on that).

m0therofdragons · 17/03/2018 11:35

Phones overnight at a girls sleepover is a recipe for disaster. We have already discussed that when dd gets a phone next year we will have a "no electronics overnight in bedrooms" rule.

At 10 your dd needs to be able to cope without it. Our School has just had a 5 day residential trip with no phones or contact for 4 nights for 9-10 year olds. Stop creating her anxiety and encourage her to be independent and confident. I genuinely think it's wrong a young child is so dependent on a mobile phone and think this is far more about a clingy parent creating this.

Dd is 10 btw.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/03/2018 11:35

Why does your DD need to be able to contact you overnight, for heaven’s sake? She should be asleep!

SeaToSki · 17/03/2018 11:35

So now your DD knows the house rules at her friends house, she can decide if she wants to go on a sleepover there again. Is having the phone with her more important than a fun sleepover. I would not talk with the other mother, but talk with your DD about how she has a decision to make, and support her in that. She will have many more of these decisions to make in her life and its great she gets to practice this on something minor and with your support.

June1966 · 17/03/2018 11:35

I think perhaps the other mum should have told you what her rules were - 10 year olds having smartphones is so 'new' that perhaps we all haven't worked out how to handle it.

But what I can tell you, as a warning, is that my own 10 year old dd went on a sleepover a few months ago, and the girl whose house it was had her mobile phone in the bedroom, and another one who has older siblings suggested they try to find the film 'It'. They did - on Youtube believe it or not. Luckily the mobile phone ran out of charge after 20 minutes.

Floralnomad · 17/03/2018 11:36

YABU , if it was that much of an issue to you it’s for you to bring it up beforehand especially as you know what the other mums rules are . I also agree with all the other posters who have pointed out that if your daughter is old enoug( and responsible enough to have unfettered access to a phone she should be old enough and responsible enough to be able to speak to adults that she is staying with .

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/03/2018 11:37

Well, you clearly don’t think YABU, and you clearly don’t have an issue with the fact that being without her phone causes your DD such anxiety that she is unable to sleep. I would be massively worried if that was my child but...whatever.

So why did you post?