Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

thats a really good point chocolate ! You wouldn't question it if they were on a school trip and it wasn't allowed ! Plus I think I'm a bit cynical my dsd was contacting her friends as they were planning a mass sneak out !!!! I woke up to a group of 5 girls shouting at the window at 1pm they were 12 at the time An some had been allowed to camp

Don't like the answers, don't ask the question. Clearly most people don't agree with you. Parents set rules for the good of the children (because they are in charge, and set strong boundaries) not so they can check in regularly on a sleepover. As others have said if she needs to do that she's not mature enough for sleepovers. Mine are 13 and 15, don't have phones and see no need for them. Of course, could be she was having fun and just wants to play adults off against each other. Did she coming running out in a state about this, or did you ask her why she didn't phone and then she brought this up?

My dd 10 doesn’t have electronics in her bedroom or a mobile phone at all. She went to a sleep over last weekend and knows that if she’s upset or needs us, the. all she has to do is ask the adult to contact us. I think children of that age need to know how to approach an adult if they feel uncomfortable rather than relying on mobile phones all the time .

I think the other girls Mum was right in saying no phones in the room. All your dd has to do is ask her if she can text you night as that’s what’s expected.

YABU i'm afraid. No child NEEDS (or should have) a phone with them overnight. Recipe for disaster.

As others have said, she will go on school trips with absolutely no contact with you.

Haven’t read the whole thread but think YABU, phones are a pain, my kids keep them down stairs at night, however we have the friend with a mum like you who insists their kid keeps the phone, when said kid isn’t getting their own way they text their mum who in turn will contact me, this can be something very minor that would blow over but it puts me off having them over as I feel like I’m treading on eggshells.
Another reason wait until your DC start posting sleepovers on social media, you risk upsetting the kids not invited feeling left out, it’s really not worth the hassle. I’m going to have a phone basket by the front door for them to be left in, if parents/kids don’t like, don’t come on the sleepover.

The foster career says no phones in bedrooms, schools don't allow them and anyone who runs residentials such as Brownies, Scouts, PGL etc won't allow them either.
There are lots of sites and organisations who go round schools running training for staff and parents who say dot let kids and definitely not groups have phones in bedrooms. Every magazine about parenting has run articles on this topic.
What is there still to be considered about it, when the evidence is clear?

Only go on sleepovers when you are ready to be away (the increasingly young age for it, probably means lots aren't ready....so isn't the answer not to have them or send your kids on them at a very young age - make a judgement as a parent....if they aren't ready, a phone won't make them ready) Ensure child is happy to speak to the host adult....this seems crucial for being allowed to go on sleepovers, and as a parent spell out any little foibles the child has - perhaps ask if it will be okay to ring them or them to call home at an arranged time if necessary - and there's no need to have a phone with you, or in your bedroom to do this.

Recognise that schools and other organisations won't allow phones.....so start getting them ready for this, rather than making that even harder when it comes round.

Be willing to listen to the advice of professionals on this topic, if not to the people of MN - the advice is crystal clear and consistent - there is good reasons for this.

Sorry? 'She won't be having sleepovers with that friends soon because she doesn't feel comfortable'? A) That really seems to contradict your original post and B) why 'soon' if she doesn't feel comfortable? How many times do you think she should feel uncomfortable before she stops? You're not making sense. As others have pointed out, there is a real safeguarding issue here too. You might not like what you're reading but that doesn't make you right.

Safeguarding - absolutely.
No phones in bedrooms will appear in all the organisations who run residentials risk assessment and reduction policies and as part of their safeguarding.

Children allowed phones in their rooms at 8,9,10 even if not using social media then aren't going to suddenly want to give heir phones up at 13, 14,15. Parents can choose for their own kids what they do whilst they are in their own homes - might make daft choices, but it is their choice. Isn't it the responsibility of any hosting parent to safeguard the children in their care? That's why I'd be worried about friends letting groups have phones - it might be unwittingly negligent, but I think it is negligent.

Separation anxiety is usually something that happens with much younger children. I'm not judging-merely stating there is an issue. If she is emotionally at a much younger developmental age those gaps perhaps need filling in, and she stays home at night until she is ready. What children want isn't necessarily what they need. Like having mobile phones at 10. I see far too much compliance from parents 'I need one because my friends have one.' BTW, what does 'obnoxiously extrovert' mean?

She sounds too immature to have sleepovers if she cannot sleep in a room without her phone, if she cannot ask for her phone to text if she is worried etc.

Please stop your silly behaviour. You will start upsetting her friendships with your attitude.

I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable OP - I would too, but I wouldn't be able to fully rationalise/ justify it. It would feel like some kind of an infringement, and something i would personally never do.

I totally understand why your kid would want to keep her phone, and why she would be nervous of the parents - I still haven't grown out of being warey of friends' parents . You wouldn't feel comfortable knocking on a friend's parents' bedroom door or something if something was wrong, and so I understand why you would want her to keep the phone also.

Totally different dynamic on school trip, and what age you think kids should have phones doesn't have much to do with it.

On the other hand I get the her house her rules thing. I don't think either mum was being unreasonable. I think next time just nicely explain the phone thing. If she is reasonable she won't mind.

Dear god this thread is still going...

I cannot imagine a good reason for a ten year old to have a phone of any type. How on earth do you suppose ten year olds managed fifteen years ago?

I don't know the OP's DD but I think if she's not able to cope with a sleepover without texting or calling her parents to say goodnight then perhaps she should wait another year or so to do it again. My rather timorous son, also 10, is quite clingy and loves his home comforts, but enjoys occasional sleepovers and while he says he misses us when he has one, it's never stopped him wanting to go. If he were that upset at the prospect I wouldn't let him go for a while longer.

And what's with the idea that a child might choose to text their parents to tell them to come and get her, without wanting to tell the host parents?? That's incredibly rude.

Phones are menace enough to children a couple of years older - I really find the idea that even younger children might be reliant on them depressing.

YANBU

YABU. Taking the phone away is good parenting and you already know they do it with their own daughter. If your DD is too anxious to be without a phone then sue’s Not ready for a sleepover. TBH most kids will tell their parents how they need the phone because they are anxious when truthfully they just want to mess around on the phone all night.

As someone who works in the criminal justice system, I don’t want my kids to have phones until they’re at least in their seventies.

Hats off to Sleepover Parent.

I don’t get why a 10 year old needs a phone, but maybe that’s just me...

I've learned that if anything is important to you, you need to make it clear to the other parent. Especially between 9&14 when parenting rules seem to vary a lot.

Not only - what rule are you proposing re mobile phone use
But also - I don't wish her to watch over age films or play over age games
And - are you / your DP going to be in the whole time, I am not happy for DD to be left unsupervised yet
Also - I am happy for the DDs to walk to the local shop alone, but not into town yet

And when older - expectations / questions on alcohol & mixed sex sleepovers

How on earth did we manage to go to sleepovers without mobile phones when we were younger?! We were allowed to use the home phone, and my Mum would always ring at around 9ish to check I was OK, have a quick chat and wish me good night...

Op I would far prefer a sleepover at yours than this lot of communication dictators. The idea of someone elses Mum deciding if my dd can talk to me or not boils my piss a bit tbf! 😉

Agree with Betty This mum had no right to confiscate yourDDs property without your permission. It was not her decision and if she had such a request and these are her house rules, she has to discuss this with you first - not snatch your DDs property without permission. What ridiculous behaviour.

YABU no phones in bedrooms is a sensible rule and avoids a world of trouble.

I would say that a child ought to know where their phone is but not have it in the bedroom with them.

If there is a genuine problem in the middle of the night the friend's mum would be woken up anyway, if the child's parent came to collect her wouldn't they? While I get that a child might be nervous of asking for help from a non-family adult, they could surely talk to their friend and ask them to ask the mum for help or to ring the parents.

I think your getting some harsh replies here. I also think people are missing the point a little bit, the girl didn’t want her phone because she can’t be without it for x amount of hours or because she wanted to even play on it... she wanted to keep her phone close by so she contact her parents easily without disturbing Her friends parents in the night if she wanted to contact her parents. At that age she is still a child and sleeping away can make you anxious, it still happens to some adults if they are in a different environment. Keeping her phone for reassurance is not a bad thing, I bet this little girl felt nervous and worried all night. I know I was like that when I was younger. Totally understand being vigilant with the girls on the phones and think keeping it outside the room or turned off in her bag is the best idea, I think that the friends mother was the one being unreasonable to take it off your daughter without letting you know
First. To keep it in her room just adds more angst to your daughter especially if she’s a shy person. I’d carry on with the sleepovers just let the friends mother know how you feel and just say I respect your no phone rules and understand why you feel that way but my daughter would feel a lot more comfortable if she knew she had access to her phone to contact me during the night. Please could she have it turned off in her bag or in the hall way next time so she can say goodnight ?imagine if something embarassing happened to the poor girl like she got her period unexpectedly or had an accident that she couldn’t hide? If she had her phone at least she could contact her mum for advice x

*She wont be having sleepovers with that friends soon because she doesnt feel comfortable.
She has lots of sleepover with other people and t

Oh. Ok. Why did you post on AIBU, then, if you already knew the answer? . That aside, you surely know YABU.

When I was young we didn't have a home phone so there was no way there was any contact with my mum when I stayed over at friends houses. If your daughter can't stay away at night without contacting you then I'd say she's too young be be staying out. YABU allowing her to do this.