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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
Lalala2018 · 19/03/2018 08:59

Ifvthey are allowed phones they just stay up all night

CapnHaddock · 19/03/2018 09:06

It's ridiculous to suggest a 10 year old has the confidence to ask an adult outright for things?

Christ, it's a miracle those of us who grew up in a pre-mobile era survived. Hmm

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/03/2018 09:06

OP YANBU. I have no idea why so many people have frothed at the mouth and ignored the fact it’s a brick phone there purely for reassurance.

The other mother should have done as you suggested - plugged it in somewhere accessible on the landing so your DD knew she could get it if she needed to contact you.

Dozer · 19/03/2018 09:08

Many “brick phones” can still take and share photos.

whiskyowl · 19/03/2018 09:09

I think if your DD isn't old enough to go through a night without contacting you, she's not old enough for a sleepover. I'd be more concerned about her anxiety levels than the actions of the other parents here - a child who cannot sleep because she hasn't been able to text you is possibly at a pitch of anxiety that isn't very healthy, and may indeed benefit from some experiences where she's not in control and nothing goes wrong.

differentnameforthis · 19/03/2018 09:26

If she cannot talk to her hosts she is not ready for a sleepover.

MsGameandWatching · 19/03/2018 09:58

It's ridiculous to suggest a 10 year old has the confidence to ask an adult outright for things?*

Christ, it's a miracle those of us who grew up in a pre-mobile era survived

News Flash! Not all kids are exactly the same, not all kids develop at exactly the same rate and have the same levels of confidence and ability to deal with new situations without reassurance. .

Lilmisspink81 · 19/03/2018 13:02

YANBU

House rules should stand wherever DD visits; however; you can educate her on phrases she might use to talk to the parents if she wants to contact you.
I was an extremely shy and nervous child and only in my 30's learned I've always had anxiety. If DD is truly anxious then talking through scenarios and how to deal with them (e.g. No phone... "mum said I was to phone and say goodnight; she'll worry otherwise) could be one... or every sleepover speak with parents to ask they call (DD won't need to ask to call) & check everything ok just before bed... have a code word for if she wants picked up etc.
Perhaps it's not as serious as this and she was just shy on one of her first ventures away from home... either way; your DD's feelings are valid and it's your job to make sure she feels safe... so No; you're not being unreasonable!
Open communication between you and the parent/s should sort the whole thing out.

BobtheMeerkat · 19/03/2018 13:53

MN is wild! I swear there was a thread on here not long ago where a hosting parent didn't answer her phone so the OP couldn't get hold of her DC, and everyone was suggesting that the Dc should have a mobile!

Having a mobile as a young child is by no means a new thing. I had my first phone at 7... 15 years ago.

OP YANBU, take no notice of the some of the posts on here. What exactly do people think that kids will get up to during the night that they couldn't at any other point in the day?

Sarahjo04 · 19/03/2018 15:23

I personaly would have assumed that friends mum would have taken it off her as thats what happens to her daughter! It may be a good idea for your daughter to ask her friends mum if she could give you a goodnight txt nxt time. When children go away on school trips they are not allowed contact with home and i personaly feel its a good idea.

CapnHaddock · 19/03/2018 15:55

In which case they shouldn't be going on sleepovers MsGame. I rest my case. School trips - no phones allowed. If a child can't cope with that, they shouldn't go on the trip.

MsGameandWatching · 19/03/2018 15:59

What a punitive attitude. And it's NOT a school trip. It's a sleepover which given a bit of flexibility could have been a trial run for times when she's going to need to be away for longer and definitely won't be allowed to have a phone. Im more than happy to agree to disagree on this one.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 19/03/2018 16:03

I have taken phones off sleepover guests especially at that age, quite normal

OP, it does not sound as if you are ready to let your DD go to other people's homes.

JaneyEJones · 19/03/2018 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 19/03/2018 16:08

No phones rule - fine. Just taking the phone away without this being established - no. How are children supposed to learn respect and boundaries if this isn't shown by adults as well?

CapnHaddock · 19/03/2018 16:08

Why is it the other parent's responsibility to make a sleepover a trial run?

Haven't most children been on school trips by the time they're 10? They have where we live.

MsGameandWatching · 19/03/2018 16:12

They haven't here.

It's not their responsibility obviously, just a kind thing to do I suppose if you're that way inclined. Mainly though if you make requests of a parent when your child goes there on a sleep over and they're adhered to and respected then you should expect to do the same in return when their child comes to you.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 19/03/2018 16:14

YANBU!!

So it's acceptable for the Mum of DD's friend to dictate whilst her Daughter is in your house, yet you can't do anything when it's the other way round.

That is not acceptable at all.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 19/03/2018 16:18

MN is wild! I swear there was a thread on here not long ago where a hosting parent didn't answer her phone so the OP couldn't get hold of her DC, and everyone was suggesting that the Dc should have a mobile!

Absolutely Bob

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 19/03/2018 16:19

I assume the mother didn’t feel the need to mention it as it is absolutely common sense to not have a smart phone with 10 years olds over night. YABU

Original poster
upsideup · 19/03/2018 16:25

DD has never been on any residential school trips.
I'm not sure why this thread is still going, I am not going to be taking her phone away from her. Me and her dad have already decided that we want her to have a phone, I didnt ask for opinions on doing that now or at the time on mn because we didnt want/need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsideup · 19/03/2018 16:26

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed

Honestly I have said this at least 20 times now.
DD does not have a smart phone!

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 19/03/2018 16:29

OP you seem to be missing the point that while your DD is at her friend’s house the friend’s parents are responsible for her care- feeding her enough food, making sure she has a warm place to sleep, making sure she doesn’t injure herself in their garden, making sure she doesn’t watch things on TV that are scary or sexual; generally standing in the stead of her parents for the duration of her stay. As part of the process she needs to learn to go to her friend’s Mum if she has a problem or needs anything (and she also needs to accept that she has to abide by the other Mum’s rules). Being able to text or phone you to act as go-between will not do her any favours, and I don’t think that it was really helpful to the little girl who wet the bed at your house either, even though it may have seemed so at the time.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 19/03/2018 16:31

And whilst the friend is at the OP's house then their rules should also apply - you can't have it both ways!

JaneyEJones · 19/03/2018 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.