Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

[wakemeupbefore]

YABVU for allowing 10yr old a mobile phone. There's absolutely no bloody need for that. If the DC is not comfortable sleeping in a strange house, she shouldn't go. If you don't trust the other parents, you shouldn't let her go.

.

[Smellylittleorange]

But how could the other mother enforce the no phone rule if your daughter had hers..
Perhaps the mum /dad asked and your daughter gave it up
Perhaps the other girl would have used your Dd phone or pestered her for it
Perhaps you ought just have a conversation with the parents?

At 10 years old you really need to be careful with asserting boundaries over phones , screens and social media ..once they hit secondary school it all goes crazy .

[HeidioftheAlps]

When they go on year 6 school residentials they aren't allowed a phone for the whole trip at dd's school. I think it's a good idea

[upsideup]

if it was that much of an issue to you it’s for you to bring it up beforehand especially as you know what the other mums rules are

I did bring it up before hand, I told the mum dd likes to take her phone on sleepovers so she is able to contact us and the mum said 'Yeah I get that' not that she wouldnt allow dd to have her phone.

[notacooldad]

Quite frankly you are being ridiculous and you are encouraging your child at 10 years old to be reliant on a phone.
Sleepovers and phones are a terrible idea. The kids are on snapchat and other social media platforms and even the most normally well behaved child can easily be egged on to do things with a little peer pressure. The least would be something daft like silly pictures but something errors could happen quickly and they are soon out of their depth.
I have first hand expuerence of this, not with my own children but I work with kids and seen it happen on so many times.
There shouldn't be phones in the bedroom at that age anyway.

[Reallycantbebothered]

YABU....no child of 10 need a mobile on a sleepover....if she needed to contact you she could use House phone ....what is it with this reliance on mobile phones 24/7? And 10 is young to have a mobile imo

[Glumglowworm]

If a child isn’t capable of asking their friends parents to let them call home to say goodnight, they’re not ready for sleepovers.

I agree with children on sleepovers having phones put away overnight. Having all phones downstairs charging is fine, but possibly these parents have found their dd or other children sneaking down to get them, so have all phones in their room to avoid that happening.

[liz70]

"my dd likes to have her phone on sleepover so she is able to contact us overnight"

If my 10 year old DD phoned me from a sleepover in the middle of the night "just to speak to ne"she'd get a flea in her ear. If she had taken ill or injured herself in some way, I would expect a call from her friend's parent or whichever adult were taking care of them. Seriously, stop babying your DD.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

There is no way a parent should remove the phone of another DC.

Seriously? There is no way that the adult in charge of the household in which the children are staying should enforce the rules they perceive to be necessary for the welfare of the children they ae looking after?

😂

[m0therofdragons]

@JaneyEJones having worked in a school, I would say any parent allowing a child a mobile overnight at a sleepover. The bullying from silly photos taken, WhatsApp messages sent and porn that's watched is terrifying. You are very naive.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

We’re talking about a 10 year old child here, of course the supervising adult has the right to impose their house rules. There’s nothing unreasonable about expecting a pre-teen to cope without their phone overnight. The OP knew the mums attitude towards phones before her DD went on sleepover - given she doesn’t allow her own daughter to have access to her phone overnight what makes the OP think she’d change the rules for a houseguest.

[liz70]

"speak to me". Bloody onscreen keyboards.

[mustnotlooktohave]

This has come up before and I wouldn’t be happy if someone took the means my child had to contact me away from them without prior discussion with me.

[Cleanermaidcook]

But you knew the mother doesn't allow her dd to have her phone at night as she had expressly asked you to remove her dd's when at your house why did you assume her house rules would be different for your dd? You should have asked first if you were that bothered.

[RedSkyAtNight]

So you want your DD to have a phone so she can ring you to come and collect you if she feels unhappy in the middle of the night, without having to speak to her friends' parents?

Look at this from the other point of view, if DD had rung you, how would you feel as the friends' parents if the first you knew of this was you banging on their door at 2am in the morning?

[Commuterface]

I'm sorry YABU for several reasons:

1. it's a house rule - The sleepover mum doesn't allow tech at bedtime and for very good reason. They could be up to anything.
   
2. you shouldn't be telling your child that they can just text you to come and pick her up without speaking to sleepover mum first! What the hell are you thinking!?! If your daughter can't speak to the parent in charge and tell them she wants to go home then she isn't ready to be going to someone's house for a sleepover. I would be beyond pissed off if a parent rocked up to my house after hours to take their child home without my knowledge.
   
3. you need to to stop your child being so reliant on her phone and have a bit more of an overview of what she is doing on her phone! She is 10!
   
4. if your daughter has these problems at a sleepover then she is not mature enough to goon one.

[mustnotlooktohave]

The point with mobiles is that you can communicate without speaking. A reassuring text can be enough to settle an anxious child.

[Floralnomad]

But you said your dd likes her phone with her in the context of a conversation at a different sleepover at your home , she may well have forgotten the conversation entirely, and you said her answer was ‘yeah I get that’ , meaning she can see why your daughter likes to have her phone not saying she would allow it in her home . You should have had the conversation when you dropped your daughter off on the night .

[HuskyMcClusky]

You don't confiscate another DC phone.

Of course you can. A 10-year-old child in your house follows your rules.

YABU, OP. We went for sleepovers at houses with different rules than ours, all the time. It did us no harm at all.

Let your child develop some flexibility and resilience.

[Candlelights]

Another time, you could suggest to DD that she asks to send a quick text to you when she's handing over the phone so that you know she's not got it on her and she's not worrying about being out of contact.

If she goes on any school residentials she'll likely have to leave her phone at home, and school trips are a lot more stressful for a nervous child, so being used to being without the phone at a sleepover is a useful halfway house

[butterfly56]

Nomophobia - separation anxiety and mobile phone. It's a very big problem especially amongst teenagers.

[upsideup]

Like I said I do get the rule, I really do understand why they would have such rule but we would of liked to been told about it before hand, dd would never have her phone in her bedroom at home in fact she never even uses her phone at school.
As a grown woman I would feel uncomfortable going into another womans bedroom who I didnt know that well and waking her up in the middle of the night for something, so I can appreciate that dd would feel that way too.

[upsideup]

Nomophobia - separation anxiety and mobile phone. It's a very big problem especially amongst teenagers.

But that is when someone needs to be on there phone all the time, using it for games and social media constantly. DD only has a phone for when she is out of the house and only uses it to be able to contact us, no games, no social media, no apps, only family members contacts on there.
Im not worried that she has an addiction to her phone at all.

[NataliaOsipova]

Today 11:29 liz70

You're setting your 10 year old DD up for a life long psychological dependance on a bloody mobile phone. Seriously, this is isn't going to do her any favours whatsoever. When I was that age, I went away for a week with my school, with no contact with my parents whatsoever with my parents, same as all the other children. We all coped just fine.

I may sound harsh, but really, this absolute obsession with being in contact every single second is worrying, truly it is. It's, not healthy for anyone.

If your DD can't cope for one night at a friend's house without a phone, then she's not ready for sleepovers yet.

I agree with this. If she'd wanted to speak to you, she could have asked the mother if she could use the phone/the house phone. If she's unable to do that, then she's not really old enough to be staying over at her house.