Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

You now know that if she’s invited to a sleepover she has to be able to be without her phone overnight. Or not go. She can decide that once you’ve made it clear to her (like you should have already done)

[SadieHH]

YANBU. My 10yo had her first sleepover last weekend and had an amazing time. She suffers very badly with anxiety and the only reason she was able to go was because she could take her phone and text me if she felt wobbly. It was a group sleepover and they mostly all had phones but even so, she wouldn’t have gone if she hadn’t been able to contact me if needed and I’m so glad she was able to.

[NataliaOsipova]

Sorry - copied too much there

[HuskyMcClusky]

Yeah, that’s not what you do. You wake up your friend and ask her to get her mum.

Come on.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

But the difference is you’re a grown woman, able to act on your own agency and take care of yourself. Your daughter still needs adult care and should be able to approach safe adults for help when her parents aren’t available. The very nature of building resilience in children is them knowing who to ask for help when they need it.

Very different to a self sufficient adult distributing someone’s sleep I think.

[witchofzog]

I agree with all the above who gave quite rightly said that yabu. If your dd really wants to go home then she should tell the adult in charge how she feels. In all probability the adult would be able to get to the bottom of why she wants to go and sort it out. The idea that she needs to be able to contact you to go home without speaking to the adult whose house it is, in my opinion is actually quite rude. If I had a dd and found that her friend had gone home in the middle of the night without telling me first, she would not be coming again. If she really wants to go home then fair enough but to not say something is not on.

When we were all younger we managed sleepovers without phones. We talked to each other, ate utter crap and had fun. Phones can cause lots of problems, especially with social media, cameras, YouTube etc. She does not need her phone at ten.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

So you had the conversation when her DD stayed at yours, and it was brief and phrased as being something your DD "likes".

My DD likes shopping trips with unlimited spending money, but hey...

[underneaththeash]

We have a rule that no electronics are allowed upstairs so your DD wouldn't be allowed to have her phone at our house.

Internet/social media usage needs adult supervision, especially at 10, when they can lack maturity to make suitability decision for themselves.

[kateandme]

to all those saying dd should be able to talk to adult.i think this d has some confidence issues and worries around ceetain things so doing this might seem impossible to her but that isn't something we should flame her for or say she is at an age where she should act differently.people at any age can get anxious about coming forward,confronting or asking for things.
if this is the case then maybe next time you could havea bit more of a sensitive words with the mum so she gets the proper picture.
or if this isn't such an issue with dd then teach her some way to get round it.ways to find her voice to ask or not to feel anxious when parents are contactable from her own phone.
ours had a real problem with talking to other parents.with feeling safe due to many past issues she was really anxious with certain things.and it took the learning snd adapting and support from us and her mates to get her to be able to go out and have fun.but no one made her feel like some of these replies have come across suc attitudes towards sometimes disabling anxieties troubles.

[MotherofPearl]

What @Commuterface said.

My DD - also 10 - is not allowed a mobile phone. And she only sleeps over at homes where she knows the friend and their parents well - and where we know the parents well too, usually. That way we can be sure she's at ease and if she wants to come home, feels comfortable telling the parents (not that she ever has).

[BakedBeans47]

YABU

I would have done the same. It’s a sleepover in a friend’s house not camping wild in a forest. If she gets so “anxious” staying in a friend’s house overnight with people she knows and trusts that she needs to have a phone to contact you at all times maybe she’s not ready for sleepovers

[Maryann1975]

I run a brownie unit and I don’t let girls bring phones to residentials and nor do the guides. The girls are being looked after and if they have a problem I would sort it, including phoning parents if needed. School have exactly the same rules and in both cases, if someone bought a phone it would be taken away until the end of the trip.
I’d think you need to talk to your child about being less reliant on her phone tbh.

[HuskyMcClusky]

Confiscate your own DC phone but really to do so to other DC is controlling

God, that bloody word ‘controlling’ on this site. Everything is ‘controlling’.

You’re the parent, it’s your house: it’s called being the adult, not being ‘controlling’.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I’m sure anxious children went on sleepovers before the advent of mobile phones.

[AlistairAppletonssexyscarf]

Yeah, that’s not what you do. You wake up your friend and ask her to get her mum.

Exactly. Back in the dark ages, before anyone had a mobile phone, that's what you did. It's fine.

What happens in your version, OP? Your daughter calls/texts you and then what? Either you do just turn up in the middle of the night with no warning, which would be staggeringly rude and inappropriate, or you call the mother yourself to tell her that a child in the next room needs to talk to her? Really?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

They are 10......exactly. Very very young, and not always capable of being sensible in a group with phones with no supervision.

I’d have been very very unhappy with sleepover host parents if they allowed them all to have their phones on them at aged 10.

[MerryDeath]

silly. we all survived sleepovers pre mobile phones. if there was a problem we found a parent which wold obviously need to happen anyway. children shouldn't be encouraged to favour screens over interaction.

[RedSkyAtNight]

As a Brownie leader we specify no phones and no phone calls during residentials exactly because - far from reassuring them - a child that's able to be in constant communication with home, tends to get more homesick, not less. Not to mention if a child feels she want to go home, 9 times out of 10, they have changed their mind 10 minutes later!

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

Janey 10 year olds should not be in social media - if they are using it they are not trustworthy in it. No need to let a 10 year old have a phone 24/7 to see whether they are trustworthy, any more than there's a need to give a 14 year old alcohol on a sleepover to see whether they use it responsibly.

10 year olds round here don't even have phones, they get them when they start secondary. Why does a 10 year old even have a mobile?

[upsideup]

DD doesnt have any social media on her phone, she doesnt have any games or any friends phone numbers, no parent would want their child to have access to any of that in her bedroom.
The only thing she would be able to do on it is text me, her dad, older step sister, next door neighbours, grandparents and emergency services or use the calculator.

[TheAntiBoop]

I was an anxious child and I didn't go on sleepovers until I was much older

I don't think your dd is ready and that's not the others family's fault. You shouldn't have sent her.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

If it’s a smart phone she can do much much more on it than that.

[AChickenCalledKorma]

mustnotlooktohave why can't your child speak to their friend, or to the host parent if they are feeling anxious? And the host parent can take a view on whether they need to call home or not. Again, if there isn't a basic level of trust that the host parent is going to care for the children properly, ten year olds shouldn't be sleeping over in the first place.