Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

[MissionItsPossible]

@Jellycatspyjamas
I’m sure anxious children went on sleepovers before the advent of mobile phones.

This, really. Did all those that say OP is NBU go to any sleepovers when you were younger? Did you cope?

[PuppyMonkey]

This is all hypothetical for me ss my nearly 11 yo hasn’t even got a phone yet. But I think the adult doing the adulting in the house gets the final say on all these matters.

If your DD was so anxious, couldn’t she have said something to her friend who could probably have intervened with mum and dad?

[3EyedRaven]

Well, now you know what the rule is at that house, and she can decide I’d she wants to got here again.
I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it in front of her,

[mustnotlooktohave]

Because it might be the middle of the night. Some children are fine being away from parents but just feel a lot more secure knowing they can get a kind word and denote goodnight kiss from Mum

[upsideup]

If it’s a smart phone she can do much much more on it than that.

Its not a smart phone, she doesnt need a smart phone. She has a phone purely so she can contact her parents, I have already said that.

[AlistairAppletonssexyscarf]

Janey why on EARTH would it be weird to ask to use an adult's phone to call your parents to say goodnight?

My child is too young for a phone full stop and goes on sleepovers, and of course would talk to the adult there if there was a problem. She has also used their phones to say hello to me.

[IThinkThatsWeird]

I totally appreciate your house your rules. But I would of prefered her mum to have discussed it with me first

YANU You should have discussed it with her. I get that you had mentioned it previously but that was at a sleepover at yours and it doesn’t sound as though you were very clear. If you wanted your daughter to keep her phone then you should have told the mother before the sleepover.

[notacooldad]

It seems like the creation of mobile phones has created a generation of kids who haven't developed resilience by the age of 10.

I'm glad I didn't have this nonsense when we we let kids have sleepovers out ours.

As I said in a previous post I work with kids and we have had to deal with the fall out of mobile phone issues and it's not been pleasant.
The kids who wouldn't normally say boo to a goose start chatting to lads who arefriends of friends so they don't really know them. Seriously OP things have got very dangerous and have needed intervention.

I also do family work and often when I see families about their children very often there has been a fall out at sleepovers and it's involved a phone. I'm not kidding or exaggerating ,I don't need to, imjust letting you know they can be trouble.
Maybe it's best to let her get use to not having a phone ready for end of primary residential anyway.

[Somerville]

When your DD starts senior school next year and goes on school trips, they won't be allowed phones.

And yes, you're being unreasonable.

[AChickenCalledKorma]

Thinking that 10 yos are mature enough to be independently responsible on social media, in the middle of the night, when subject to peer pressure, when they are not even yet old enough to be legitimately on most social media platforms is breath-takingky naive.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

upsidedown you believe that, and she's your child, but why should the parent of a friend have absolute trust that that is the case - even you probably can't know beyond doubt that she doesn't have other numbers saved or written on paper, and that she hasn't installed games and Snapchat since you last looked at her phone unless it is a non "smart" brick phone.

Most 10 year olds will work out how to do that in no time - my 10 year old doesn't have a phone but has access to a tablet so knows how to install things, and when my eldest first got a phone she installed Snapchat having asked and been told no, despite otherwise being a very well behaved trustworthy child - kids don't always do what we expect especially when there is peer pressure coming from somewhere.

[RhiWrites]

This thread is full of people who don’t seem to remember being a child.

Remember when even speaking to your friend’s mum made you nervous because you didn’t know what to call her?
Remember when asking for a glass of water or explaining that you don’t eat pork seemed embarrassing and full of pitfalls?
Remember when other houses had rules you didn’t understand?
Remember toilet doors that didn’t lock so you tried to block them with something?
Remember intimidating older brothers, dogs and other adults?

OP, you are not being at all unreasonable. You followed the others rule for her daughter, she ignored yours. That’s not right.

Of course your child isn’t hyper anxious or unable to function without her phone. But I imagine you’ve taught her that you’re only a phone call away.

Now if she wants to tell you goodnight she has to go and knock on the bedroom door of an adult she barely knows (doesn’t necessarily know which room either) and ask “please can I say goodnight to mum” and very likely be told not to be so silly?

I’d be very clear with the other mother that your rules are different and DDs phone stays with her in future.

“Her house her rules” doesn’t work at all. Does a meat eating family then require a vegetarian child to eat meat? Any child can understand that another family has different rules.

Most of the time it’s the idea of unknown rules that worries them in the first place!

[maddiemookins16mum]

I'm (probably incorrectly) convinced that bloody mobile phones cause added anxiety for children.
YABU.

[wakemeupbefore]

The parents who allow their 10yr olds on social media should have their heads checked.
Stupid, stupid, stupid people. .

[BewareOfDragons]

I think you are very unreasonable. But I think that because I think you are dead wrong on allowing a 10 year old to have her phone with or near her at all times.

What 10 year old needs a phone in the middle of the night?
Look at the sleep studies and how mobile technology is destroying sleep of young people because they can't disconnect.

[Backingvocals]

I take phones away at sleepovers. I also teach my dcs to ask to use the host phone if they need to speak to me. It’s very important that they know how to say ‘I Need to speak to my mum - may I call her please’ in case something happens that they are not happy with.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

• sorry, missed the post saying it isn't a smart phone. That's unusual these days. Doesn't change the fact she may have access to more numbers than you are aware of, and that even if you are utterly certain she doesn't the other parents

[upsideup]

Okay I guess I am being unreasonable to ask that my daughter have her phone somewhere accessible to her so she can contact us in an emergency or even just for reassurance.
We will just stick to this girl comming to ours and dd going on sleepovers with her other friends for now then.

[ForkIt]

After years teaching year 6 I’m frankly amazed when parents allow phones at night. Year after year we have the same bullying or sexual content issues when children have phones unsupervised after lights out. Whatsapp inappropriate stuff or playground fights being taken into homes and built up into bullying. And every year we are expected to talk to kids, they want kids punished...: when the only real solution is removing phones at bedtime.

I wouldn’t want my children included in this, I’d give visiting dc a choice: hand the phones in or don’t stay. A group would only multiply the potential issue of Phone use at night. I restricted my eldest devices at night on the internet until around 15/16 and phones were charged overnight downstairs

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

Sorry posted too early - the other parents would be fools to have absolute trust in a visiting 10 year old's ability to resist temptation.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

YANBU

She wants her rules at your house and her rules at her house. She expects you to impose her rule for her DD at your house, but ignore your rule for your DD at her house. Completely unreasonable. You told her, quite clearly, your DD likes to have her phone overnight so she can contact you and yetbshe tookmit off her, despite DD saying she’d keep it in her bag. It’s rude & thoughtless. At the very least she could have said to your DD ‘I’m sorry, we don’t allow phones in bedrooms at night, why don’t you text/call your Mum now to say goodnight then we’ll put your phone in the kitchen so you know where it is’. Putting it in a communal room where DD knows she could get it if she really wanted to, would have been much kinder than putting it in her bedroom.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I remember very well what it was like being a child. And I remember very clearly not being left with adults that I didn’t know well enough to ask for a glass of water, I remember my friends telling me about house rules (that’s mum and dads room, we don’t play in there) and I remember being expected to ask for help if I needed it. Children need to develop resilience and if being away from home overnight without contact from mum is too much to cope with, the child still has some growing to do before they can sleep over.

[Lethaldrizzle]

Why does a 10 year old need or have a phone

[Kardashianlove]

can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

I think you would be best to explain to DD that the rules in that house are she can’t have her phone at night, then DD can decide whether she wants to sleepover again or not.

Maybe talk through other strategies with her as to what she could do if she feels anxious/worried.

There are bound to be other sleepovers that have the same rules or a time when the phone gets forgotten/lost/broken etc and it’s probably better that your DD learns to cope without her phone.