Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

[liz70]

" she can contact us in an emergency or even just for reassurance."


See my previous post (and many others). Giving up now.

[HopefullyAnonymous]

YABU to allow her to have a phone at all! My DS is the same age. There is absolutely no requirement af all for them to have a mobile phone!

[probablynapping]

Completely agree with @RhiWrites

10 is very young! I remember being 10 (maybe even older) and suddenly feeling homesick at sleepovers for no reason at all. Knowing that her mum is easily contactable probably offers her some comfort and she shouldn't be denied that. It doesn't sound like she's addicted to her phone at all. There's a tendency on MN to be very judgmental and jump to conclusions which is rarely helpful. YANBU at all

[Candlelights]

Remember when even speaking to your friend’s mum made you nervous because you didn’t know what to call her?

I absolutely do remember this. But learning to communicate directly with adults, starting with friends' parents, is an essential life skill that thankfully I learned.

You can't be there for your child 24-7 for the whole of their life. And some things can't be sorted via a phone. So children need to learn to turn to people who are not their parent for help sometimes.

And parents need to learn to let go a bit and trust someone else to care for their DC.

[NutElla5x]

Your daughter shouldn't even have a mobile phone at 10yrs of age in my opinion.And if she can't manage going overnight without speaking to mummy then she is obviously too young for sleepovers too.

[Queenofthestress]

Why on earth does your daughter have a phone at bloody ten years old?!

[DisorderedOrder]

I assume your dd won't be going on any school residentials then OP? No phones allowed on them. Overcoming fears and insecurities are part of growing up. If she's nervous about approaching a friends parent but has no other option then she'll soon learn there's nothing to fear.

[BuzzKillington]

I think YABU.

Your daughter may not be old enough for sleepovers if she can't cope without her phone and is too timid to ask for it the next day.

[upsideup]

Why does a 10 year old need or have a phone

I ahve already said, to be able to contact her parents.

[NapQueen]

An 8yo really doesnt need (and imo shouldnt have) a mobile phone at all.

Yabu.

[NapQueen]

Typo

10

[mustnotlooktohave]

Plenty of children do. But I think that’s the problem, isn’t it? I might personally think ten is too young but it is not my place to make that decision for someone else’s child.

[upsideup]

The parents who allow their 10yr olds on social media should have their heads checked. Stupid, stupid, stupid people.

I dont allow my dd on social media! I have already said that!
She has 10 contacts on her (non smart) phone
Me
Dh
Step sister
NDN1
NDN2
Family friend
Family friend
Family friend
Grandparent 1
Grandparent 2
No social media, no games, purely to conact people if she needs to.

[donquixotedelamancha]

I think the other parent over stepped. Just as you followed her wishes with regard to her child and phone, she should have done yours and I tell her most politely that you prefer for your daughter to keep her phone.

Different adults have different rules. If you are leaving your child in other people's care then you have to support their rules. Obviously that doesn't extend to supporting unreasonable decisions, but it does cover everything else.

Some parents can't cope with this. They insist on second guessing and arguing with everyone else, because their child is special. These kids are a nightmare once they get to school because their ethical development and confidence is impaired, and of course the parents blame the school.

@OP. Hopefully this is not you, and you are just processing some quite normal worries- hopefully you see that YAB a bit U. I think you need to be careful to support your DD in becoming a resilient and independent young woman.

[liz70]

"Knowing that her mum is easily contactable probably offers her some comfort "

Perhaps we should be giving all children mobiles from aged 4 or 5, so they can be in contact with their parents for the six or so hours that they're in school, in case they need some comfort.

[Lethaldrizzle]

Upside - so just on sleepovers then? Or are their other times when you feel contact is vital?!

[Minestheoneinthegreen]

OP - you are draining. It is no wonder your child is so anxious. Fml the other parent has had a lucky swerve if she doesn't have to have this again.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

There’s the world of a difference between carefully supervised, age appropriate use of social media and giving a child 24/7 access to their phone.

I get that kids can feel a bit anxious or homesick but learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, or to get help when they need it is part of learning to become independent. I can’t think of an emergency that would involve my child needing to contact me immediately without telling the adult that’s in the actual house where they are and who is closest to respond to whatever the emergency is - including contacting me if need be. It’s a sleepover, hardly babes in the wood.

[ShortandAnnoying]

Well you went along with the other girls mum request to take the girl's phone even though this is not your house rule, so she should go along with your request provided the children aren't misbehaving and using them phone to mess about.

[lonelymelissa]

None of my children had a phone at aged 10 - 4 children of my own plus numerous foster children. No one got one until senior school. I agree with the other mum though and would not allow any mobiles in rooms through the night (far too many horror stories of what goes on with access to a phone overnight).

I would however be somewhat concerned if my child felt uncomfortable without their phone? How did every other generation cope?

[upsideup]

Lethaldrizzle

When she goes out to the shops/park etc without us
When she stays home alone
When she goes to clubs etc in case plans change.

Its not vital, but it makes her more comfortable to be able to contact us. Everybody has phones to be able to contact people today, obviously its not neccesary because we all survived 50 years ago but its the norm, its a lot safer and quicker.

[FrustratedDotCom]

YABVU

Phone are not needed on sleepovers. If your child wanted to go home she should have told the parent at the house who would have got in touch with you.

[LockedOutOfMN]

I wouldn't let my DC sleep over at a house where they didn't feel comfortable speaking to the parent(s), e.g. if they felt sick, wanted to call us, etc. Our DC don't have mobiles anyway.

I feel you should respect the other family's rule and consider setting up an arrangement where you phone them (landline or one of the parents' mobiles) at a set hour to talk to your daughter before bed.