To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

Please don’t go. I feel your pain I had spd during my pregnancy and couldn’t sit in the car at all especially not any great distance (it went as soon as I gave birth). You’ll just make yourself feel so much worse and there isn’t a lot you can do about the pain.
I’d let dh deal with his mother and tell her your not going because your not well and there is a bloody Amber weather warning on!
Baby showers are not a thing where I’m from. Can people not just give you presents when baby is here? If I got a text saying the mother to be was ill and it was cancelled because of the weather I would think I hope your ok and that I was glad it had been cancelled then not give it another thought.
What I find strange is she didn’t mention it to you last weekend or to your dh to see if he thought it was a good idea. It does sound like it has been planned over this last week.

I'd go but be overtly in a lot of pain the whole time and keep tearfully mentioning how MIL insisted you come up and wouldn't take no for an answer and got really angry. Spoil it for the bitch. I am the passive aggressive sort though

MIL doesn't seem the kind to give a fuck so doubt she'd care, so long as she got her way.

No way would I put myself through that just to please her or prove a point.

no way I'd go.

I would, however, ask dh to attend.

If you're still being sick, bag it up into individual portions give to dh and ask dh to take the carving fork with him too.

When he arrives, jab mil hard in the back and hip with the fork - every 10 seconds or so. For the entire lenght of the visit.

Also, tip a bag of cold vomit down her front (or for a more realistic effect he could warm it up in the microwave). Repeat this immediately after she changes her clothes from the previous bagful.
Ask her and dh and fil how they like them apples.

Watching if op says it to enough of MIL's friends (the ones she is so concerned with looking good in front of) then it might just sink in. Admittedly I'd understand if op just wants to stay away altogether though!!

Aw, I’d go

Why?

I'd say she is overbearing but you are a precious snowflake.

Terrible combination. It will never end well.

Pitting down firm sensible boundaries and sticking to them is the opposite of being a snowflake. It’s adult behaviour 101.

Personally, I'd go because your in-laws are family for a long time but my opinion is irrelevant. You don't need permission to make the right decision as you objectively see it.

I am always curious about how black and white these things are. My MIL has 4 DILs and she can do one thing and one of us thinks it's extremely kind, one thinks it's slightly controlling, one doesn't care and the other thinks she's being a total bitch. I bet you the four of us could factually tell you that single act and leave you with distinct impressions of my MIL's character. Often when the beginnings of a relationship are fraught, each party can construe even kindness as malicious behaviour.

OP, you do what is right for you and your family. Only you know the real situation.

Precious snowflake?

SPD feels like being kicked in the cunt by an angry horse.

Travel sickness is the pits.

What’s precious about not wanting to party when you have both of the above?

haven't read the thread so hope you stuck to your guns OP and are tucked up in bed with a comfy pillow behind your back.

could you Skype the party and wave to all the guests, say thanks and apologise to the guests for your non attendance at a party you didn't want in the first place..........

I really feel for you OP, even just for the pain you are experiencing. I had SPD when I was pregnant and by the last few weeks there is no way I would be able to manage hours in the car.

Her comment about not being the only person to ever be pregnant shows a total lack of insight. Not all pregnancies are the same. Do you think she would say that to the Duchess of Cambridge when she didn't take part in events because of her pregnancy-related symptoms?!

You are not a precious snowflake. The pain can be extremely hard to bear but difficult to imagine if you haven't experienced it, as with all pain.

Look after yourself, and your baby.

Isn't the only salient point that it would cause Op too much pain & possible throwing up to get there?

This is about her showing off. I don't care how she's dressed it up. What she and FIL are saying is that this party is more important to them than your well being.

Don't go. Stick with your original line. If the snow is bad I would suggest your DH doesn't go either, but it's his call. He can explain to everyone at the party that you are simply not in a physical state to make the journey.

Although I wouldn't actually say anything for the sake of future relations, MIL can fuck off with her comment about you not being the first woman to be pregnant. Everyone I know has had a different experience. Some of my friends have been really quite ill. She is a patronising cow.

I'm shocked and appalled that some people are telling you to suffer physical pain so your mil can show off to her friends and family.

Surprise party basics, you keep the partner of the recipient in the loop at all stages of planning.

Please do not go. Set the bar now, and tell your husband his loyalty should be to you. By all means send him on his own.

Nooo don’t go. To look fair and nice for the sake of the long term relationship you offer to skype in to thank people or reschedule to 5/6 weeks after baby is born. The ‘you’re not the only woman to have a baby’ drives me nuts- is reply I certainly wouldn’t be the only one to have a baby at 38 weeks if that happened, but I’d be one of the only ones stupid enough to be hours away with dangerous roads due to weather. It is the stupidest thing ever- in my rant to dh id say if I died in childbirth would she tell you buck up, you’re not the only man whose wife died in childbirth? Because there are enough of those!! (Wouldn’t say it to Mil as she’d read it as over emotional)

I hope that the OP isn't, right now, throwing up on the hard shoulder of the motorway, stuck in a snow-caused tailback.

I wouldn't go, especially in that much pain. Plus I absolutely hate baby showers, so I would refuse on principle to one arranged for me or to anyone else's one

I was just hoping the same, AlmostDoneWithThis; also agree with what timeisnotaline just posted.

Well before 38 weeks I was told to not be more than a 15m trip from the hospital. Da arrived at 38.1.

You’re technically term. It’s madness to travel. Stay home. Rest.

She said that we were going to make her look stupid

Well she is stupid.

Don't go. She'll never learn if you let her bully you.

Also, if you don't put your foot down now, she'll be worse after the baby is born.

Goodness - if I was a baby shower attendee and the pregnant mother couldn't be there because she couldn't travel because it made her sick...I would be concerned for the mother and not upset.
Honestly - everyone needs to remember you are carrying a baby! Everyone's pregnancy is different and - if you feel sick when you travel...you feel sick! Everyone needs to understand that you staying relaxed and comfortable is more important that a party. All these stress hormones you must be producing are not good for the baby.
When I was pregnant, my relatives were visiting from overseas so I made an effort to catch up with them. They didn't expect it, but I wanted to make the effort. But I was really not well and I pushed myself - and unfortunately I started bleeding the next day. Honestly, you know your body and if you think its too much for you - tell your husband this and get him to sort it out.

I just can't believe the people who are saying a nearly-term pregnant woman who's suffering various pains and difficulty should put herself in a car away from her medical practitioners for HOURS while there's snow. Anyone, anyone who thinks there's anything remotely ok about expecting OP to go is beyond batshit.

Here’s what you do. Pull out your phone. Text her the following message.
“Dear MIL. It was really lovely of you to plan this party for us but as I said a week ago, I cannot travel that far so close to my due date. I wouldn’t want to harm the baby. DH would still love to go provided the roads are safe-neither of us would want him risking his life for a party. Hopefully he can make it, he was really looking forward to it. I wish I could come too, it was so lovely of you to do this! Lots of love xxx”
Then turn your phone off and tell your husband to deal with it. You are in no for state to travel. He can do what he wants. If he is so keen to please his mother even though she’s been so inconsiderate and controlling that’s his problem and he can work it out himself.

So if God forbid anything happened that endangered you or/and your baby who do you think they will blame? I am guessing it won't be themselves...

Omg imagine going, a humongous snow fall. You are stuck there. No way.