To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

Oh, and LeighJ, it's not the OP's fault if the guests are disappointed or inconvenienced, this is all down to the MIL, so she's the one that needs to "grit her teeth" and make apologies. I really don't understand why you think Dragons has to be the one to suffer because of the mess that MIL has made.

[Topseyt]

I would not go to that. You aren't well enough and the weather is forecast to deteriorate. I am not a fan of parties anyway, least of all surprise ones, which your MIL tried to make this.

She was far too presumptuous in organising something like that. It gave no consideration to you, and was all about how she would look.

When you get up tomorrow tell DH how rough you are feeling. Then go back to bed and refuse to get out. He needs to have your back more and stop his mother from trying to dictate.

[TheMythicalChicken]

It sounds like she means well. I do feel sorry for her, to be honest. It is going to be quite humiliating for her to call everyone and cancel, particularly as they have bought gifts.

I would probably put a brave face on and go, if it was me.

[TheMythicalChicken]

I also think your DH should offer to call all the people to cancel, if you don't go.

[breathedeepy]

I think she's a well meaning but crap in practice type of MIL

From her viewpoint - she's put in a lot of effort trying to do something lovely and now you're telling her you may not even show up

Is there a way you could get to the party more comfortably? I think compromise might be the key here... maybe they could pay for a taxi to get you there/back? Maybe she could organise a room for you to have a lie down in if you are in too much pain during it that you can retreat to after graciously thanking people for their gifts and time?

I wouldn't burn all your bridges if there's any way of a compromise. If it's simply impossible then there's nothing you can do but I would personally be looking at how I could and trying to show gratitude despite how much I might inwardly want to curse her

[tillytrotter1]

Email a few of the people going to explain why you're not going, your version needs to be out there to contradict her's in which she will no doubt portray you in a bad light.

[LineyOh]

Most if not all of the guests will be glad if it's cancelled.

[user1485778793]

Oh please. Her Mil knew she was ill and in pain and continued to push. A genuinely caring person wouldn't do that, they'd accept It, wish them a speedy recovery and postpone.

But were dealing with an over grown child throwing a strip.

Op, by all means go, but if you are too ill the decent people at this party will understand.

[Minta85]

OP you don’t sound well enough to travel, especially in potentially bad weather. You’ve politely explained the situation to your parents-in-law, and that should be sufficient. Rest up tomorrow and don’t answer any calls or texts. They’re your husband’s parents, he can be the one to deal with them.

[user1485778793]

Strop*** hope she doesn't throw a strip....ewww

[sockunicorn]

@GiantStuffedDragons if ANYONE informed me what they "expected" me to do and hung up on me they would receive a text asking them who the fuck they thought they were speaking to and I would dig my heels in and not go to prove a point. Yes they meant well but you do not speak to another person like that.

[SavvyBlancBlonde]

OP - this isn’t about her trying to make the relationship better or building bridges. Her call and FIL’s phone call make that clear. This isn’t about control and appearances. It isn’t about you. I’m not even sure if it’s about your child. It’s how they are perceived as the doting grandparents. The behaviour over the will, running roughshod over your choices, your wishes and your health illustrated this. If you go to this party, you’ll be in pain, you’ll be grimacing through the entire thing and wishing you could be at home. Don’t go. Otherwise you will feel like you are losing control which will get worse once your baby is here.

And don’t tell MIL when your in labour. I’m projecting but a similar personality I know of camped out in the labour ward, demanding to be let in to cut “her baby’s” umbilical cord...

[MrsCrabbyTree]

Time for a doctor's visit for you. A visit where he forbids you from travelling till after the birth.

FFS why would a sane and reasonable person apply such pressure to a woman who is about to stop work because of pregnancy issues. The mind boggles.

[GrockleBocs]

I sailed thorough my first pregnancy but even then I knew people who had a hideous 3 trimesters of pregnancy. Baby showers weren't a thing when your MIL was young and she's carried on with it in the face of you saying you can't do it.
Is there anyone DH can contact for a surprise FaceTime to say you'd have loved to join them but doctor's advice said you couldn't and DH wants to be home with his family so thank you all for being do understanding: )

[SavvyBlancBlonde]

*This is about control and appearances. It isn’t about you

SIlly typos.

If your husband is still talking about going to the detriment of your health even when you are probably going on maternity leave early, then he needs a long look in the mirror and needs to read up on FOG.

[spunkymom22]

Maybe you will have an early delivery, as I did. Baby came the afternoon of the shower my MIL was giving!! They opened the gifts and some champagne, and had a really good party without me. Best baby shower ever!!! Good luck, and stand by your word. H can go if he is worried about his mum.

[TheMythicalChicken]

I have a solution!!!

Why don't you delay the party until AFTER the baby is born? Say, about 2 weeks after? That way MIL gets her party and saves face, you get to travel to the baby shower not in pain and the guests get the pleasure of seeing their presents unwrapped in person.

[Plumsofwrath]

I was just about to say the same: offer to take the baby down. 2 weeks is a bit harsh, maybe more like 6-8 depending on how you feel. The point is, these friends and relatives are kind for taking an interest in your baby and buying gifts, even if it’s for your MIL’s grandchild (rather than your child, IYSWIM). But you do this on your terms, not hers. Promise you will go so that all these people haven’t wasted their time, offer her two or three dates that work equally well for you, and go. But do NOT go down next weekend - she’s being selfish and ridiculous.

As for your DH: he needs a reminder that his wife and baby come first, not his DM. She’s not sick or unwell or struggling or in need of help from him. She’s having a strop over a party (which is nothing to do with him, incidentally. It’s all about her becoming a DGM).

[Faroutbrussel]

I like mythical chickens idea of having the party once the baby is born and that way everyone can meet the baby. Don't go, suggest this alternative and be firm.

Also you were there on Sunday and she didn't mention the party so it sounds like she only started to organise it on Wednesday and you have said straight away you won't be going, she should have checked with you guys first that you could come before inviting anyone else. None of the other guests are really going to mind.

[FoxyFoxFifty]

Absolutely not unreasonable, do not let these idiots boss you around, please stay home and look after yourself!

[YimminiYoudar]

No, don't go.
The invitees will be a mixture of
(1) people who know and love you and would not want you to travel in pain while heavily pg if they understood.
(2) people who don't know you that well but who are attending as a favour to your MiL.

Both categories will be glad if the event is cancelled. The first will be glad because they have your best interests at heart and the second group will be glad because they didn't much want to come anyhow.

[Skittlesandbeer]

Your GP said it’s not advisable to travel, given your pain & nausea. Potentially dangerous for baby.

That’s what you tell her, FIL & DH.

That’s what they tell the guests, as they cancel the do.

End of.

Trust me, with this MIL, you’ll be using it a lot in years to come. Even when you have a strapping lad or lass!

[ErniesGhostlyGoldtops]

Christ alive! She sounds awful OP, Buckle over this and you will always have problems, especially as she has treated you badly in the past. She's wheeling you out as an exhibit.

[WheresTheHooferDoofer]

OP, absolutely don't go.

Stay in bed and rest. If your DH wants to go in your place, he's welcome.

Your DH needs to realise that you come first here. Why should you have to travel when you told MIL several times you weren't up for travelling.

If your MIL feels embarrassed that she has to cancel, that's her problem. A decent person would have listened to you the first time you said you didn't feel fit for travel. The answer is NOT to travel with loads of comfort breaks.

[Flomy]

You have said you are not going

She is saying you are

FIL.is saying you are

DH is saying you should try

No No No