To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

[TeeniefaeTroon]

Any update?

[AbbieLexie]

thinking of you

[Hortonlovesahoo]

OP : hope that youre ok and you havent had any fall out from this appearing in the wider press

[ItsNachoCheese]

Also made it on to the mirror too

[ImListening]

Really hoping the OP is ok.

[maimeo]

Hope you're ok, OP. Thinking of you

[Justturned50]

I'm thinking that OP has gone into labour!

[AlmostDoneWithThis]

RTFT, Bertha! We covered that yesterday!

[Herewegoagainagain]

Hope everything is okay, OP and that you've had a nice, relaxing weekend. While I was hoping your DH might experience some snow-related traffic on the way back I was also concerned about baby Dragon appearing. Hope everything is alright.

[Berthatydfil]

It’s made it into the Sun.

[Yarboosucks]

I hope OP is OK

[PositivelyPERF]

The MIL probably has a thread going on some other forum about how 'ungrateful' her dil is and how much effort and organisation she's put it.

wanders over to gransnet for a wee look

[abigailsnan]

I do hope OPs is OK to-day and hubby is back at home (with his tail between his legs so to speak)
Trying to imagine how MIL is coping now she realises that she does not hold the trump cards when it comes to DIL but I doubt it as she seems to have been given into for many years.
I would keep PIL at arms length from now on and only see them when it suits you. I hope you are feeling better to-day after a days rest on your own,are your parents near to you OPs ?

[user1485778793]

The MIL probably has a thread going on some other forum about how 'ungrateful' her dil is and how much effort and organisation she's put it. Chances are it was a last minute thing, hardly anyone there let alone anyone that OP knows well.

If the mil does see this I hope she takes the comments on board and realises how selfish she's been..... unlikely though

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The toxic rags couldn't care less about the real people behind the story - in fact, they'd be rubbing their thighs in glee if the MIL contacted them and gave them a continuation, or a "from the other side" version! Wankers.

[NerrSnerr]

there is little chance that mil is on mn

True, but she's on Facebook and MN often share popular threads on there and all it takes is a friend to like or comment on that and she'll see it. That's more likely.

[Ariela]

Still concerened no news from OP....

[Willow2017]

It outing because there is little chance that mil is on mn but many people read that rag who may know op. Its probably going to force op to delete the thread and lose the support she has on here. Just another example of lazy journos not considering the consequences of thier actions. Op doesnt need her story splashed across thier crap paper to be judged by them and their readers.

Op if you are still reading start another thread if you still want support with your toxic inlaws and spineless husband, under another name and have this deleted. And i would post a comment on the suns online page telling them they are scum.

[jacks11]

YANBU

You told her when she first asked that you wouldn't be going and why- it's not that you just don't fancy it, you are in pain and feeling unwell. If she had listened to you when you first said you wouldn't be coming then she wouldn't be in this position. Her decision to ignore you has led to this. Don't go if you don't want to and she'll just have to cancel. Or perhaps ask her to postpone.

Most people would understand if a baby shower is postponed due to mum not being well/not up to a long journey, especially if there's snow/high winds and poor driving conditions. Anyone who wouldn't is probably not worth worrying about anyway.

In addition, OP I'm not convinced this is really about you or doing something nice for you. As a PP has already said, both she and your FIL have made it clear this is about what is important to her- this is something she wants and that's why she didn't listen when you said you weren't up to visiting again.

[NerrSnerr]

@bigHill how is it a breach of privacy? They've taken it from a public forum with a huge amount of users. Mumsnet is not for people who want privacy.

*waits for the weekly thread in site stuff about how to stop tabloids from using threads.

[UtterlyRainbowed]

Hopefully not many people see it with that attitude?

[BifsWif]

It is outing, but it’s been posted on an Internet forum so they haven’t done anything wrong in stealing the story, except morally of course but we all know what The Sun is.

[bigHill]

I know the details are mostly anonymous and it's a public forum but surely the Sun using for an article is potentially outing for the OP and is a breach of privacy

[BifsWif]

The Sun is a fucking disgrace - pulling more stress on a heavily pregnant woman who is clearly upset.

I hope you’re ok OP x

[Idontdowindows]

Just checking in to see if you're OK OP.

I'm so sorry those fucking rags won't leave people alone. They just love to damage people and destroy shit. :(